tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22011657963291631172024-03-08T16:42:49.727-08:00Razing RuthRazing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.comBlogger189125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-58977434345119703602013-07-15T11:19:00.001-07:002013-07-15T11:26:21.656-07:00Leaving story up...the rest isn't worth it.Thank you to all who have expressed support and help during my move. I regret that I couldn't provide some of you with the feeling of "proving" my identity to your standards. Some people came up with the wrong conclusions and for that I am sorry. I've been accused of being many different people and that's not true at all.
I do apologize for any hurt feelings and any problems this has caused the freejinger or ex-ATI universe. I pray that all will find peace and that someday I will have the courage to state my identity loud and proud. For now, that's not possible.
This blog gave me the courage to get this new job and to move to a new place and I'll never regret having it for that reason. I will never regret the connections I've made. I just think that for the sake of everyone, it's time to move on. I'm leaving up the posts about my life because there's nothing to be ashamed of. Comments on some of the last posts are being removed because some people were leaving nasty comments or deleting comments themselves. I realize this won't stop the conversation but I don't have the emotional capacity to handle the accusations or the false claims at the moment. I have a job that I need to keep up and I need to concentrate on being healthy.
Editing to add (mainly because a friend/reader suggested it): my identity has been proven to people I meet in real life. I realize that failing to share it with ALL of you is the main reason for all of this doubt. I accept the responsibility for the speculation. It was a great four years and I love those of you I've met in person or spoke to along the way by phone or email. I hope we can still communicate. RuthRazing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-34083591908334184282013-06-30T09:40:00.001-07:002013-07-15T11:21:10.690-07:00A pleaApparently, because of the suspicions of some people, there are some things I need to discuss in this post. I have to say that I've always understood the doubt that some people have about my identity. I understand the draw of a good mystery- it's fun to try to solve puzzles and figure out things. I get it. I also get that by choosing to remain sort of anonymous, I would experience some who doubted my story. Some people have said that *their* experiences with ATI don't equal mine. Some people have said that they grew up in large, religious families and that they didn't have the same experiences. Some people have even wrote in saying that they know Gothard and he doesn't encourage the ideals I claim he encourages or that their QF families are loving. Some have even questioned the string of bad luck I've had and the manner in which I've dealt with it. All of those are fair. I have never claimed that my life is the norm or that ATI doesn't work for any family or that religious fundamentalism can't be lived well. I have always prefaced this blog with the disclaimer that these are my rememberances and experiences and that they may not be representatives of the whole.
I also have repeatedly stated that I understand the critical nature of some for my choice to stay anonymous. The internet is a strange place- people, anyone really, could make up their life and post it for all to see. They can dramatize their experiences and drag people into a saga that is entirely of their own making. I've personally seen examples of bloggers who create empires out of playing off the sympathy of others and make hundreds of thousands of dollar a year doing so. They try to sell their life and their lifestyle. What I've also noticed is that, if that's the goal of the blog, they rarely hide their identity. In fact, they seem to get off on the notoriety that the internet can bring. Why am I saying all this- I guess because, the way I see it, you don't need to be anonymous to scam people on the internet- so it frustrates me that people accuse me of "scamming" because I want to remain anonymous to a certain degree. In actuallity, being completely transparent about my family name might have garnered me a CNN interview and they were willing to help me pay for certain things. The book fell apart because the publisher wanted me to make it more about Gothard and out my brothers for their participation in the organization- rather than being my story, they wanted it to be a tell all, "inside look" at ATI. I couldn't do it. As much as I dislike the organization and the ideas that QF and ATI hold up, I also know that there are very large families that are dependent on the money that their association with the organization has and while I want to hold certain people responsible and prevent them from hurting other girls- I can't have my nieces and nephews go hungry so that I can get royalties from a book. I can't destroy my mother like that. I can't destroy my brothers and sisters like that- and I WON'T put young children in poverty or the stress that would come from outing my family. YES! The way my mom and dad did it was completely wrong and I see other families "doing it wrong", but I also know that my brothers and sisters are a new generation of ATI/Homeschooling/fundamentalist families and, so far, they haven't had the abuses that we experienced. As much as it is easy to blame ATI, I guess it was really more about my father and his personal power trip than a faith.
I got off track.
Some people have recently decided that just reading my blog and voicing their suspicions wasn't enough. When I posted that I was hospitalized recently and that I'd moved cross country for a job, they took that as a challenge to "out Ruth". The family that figured out where I was staying at the KOA was a mixed blessing- I love them dearly and they have done nothing to harm me. I talk to them frequently now and have plans to see them when they come to Chicago on their summer vacation. But, and I've told them this, that they found me creeped me out a little bit. It scared me. As little information as I was sharing and all they had to do was drive through a parking lot in a campground and look for a single lady with a California license plate. With good intentions, it was that easy. So, what about a person with bad intentions? What could they do? I made the mistake of sharing a bit of information with someone on another community. They offered me some things for my apartment. It was generous. I had a hard time meeting up with them when originally planned because life has been crazy. They weren't the only ones. I had to pull out of a couple planned meetings because of work getting in the way. But, this one person took it very, very personal and because I had told her where I worked, she showed up at work. It's worth noting that she didn't bring the item she was going to donate to my apartment- she just showed up unannounced and started asking for "Ruth or Mary". The girl working the information desk had no idea who she was asking about and we have a policy requiring that people sign in if they can't show a student ID. This reader got very upset. Ironic, right? I was called down and found a lady standing there in a very foul mood. She then demanded to see my driver's license. Needless to say, this really, really freaked me out. I showed her my license and explained that my middle name is the name I blogged by. She huffed and made a comment about how I "looked pretty good for someone who had surgery". I had to go into a private room and cry for a while.
I love all of my readers and, yes, at some point, I would love to get together for a "welcome to Chicago" party. To the "Crock pot reader" and the other readers I've met or plan to meet- I still want to meet you, so don't think this is my way of saying "Thanks, but no thanks!". It's not. But, please...I'm begging those of you on a mission to prove me wrong or right- please don't come to my job. If I shared where I work with you, then please don't make me regret that. Please don't come to my job and appear out of nowhere demanding to speak to me. It makes me look unprofessional and I NEED THIS JOB. I'm doing my best to fit in and keep my job.
I'm a very shy person by nature. I am very self-conscious. It takes me a long time to trust people. If I don't jump at the chance to meet you, it's not you- it's me!
With that said, if you want to explain something, then just leave a comment and I will do my best to explain it. One commenter said something to the effect of "Ruth doesn't seem to follow through with the ideas of help- why hasn't she applied for medicaid or financial help from the government..."
Please don't assume. I have tried to apply for everything and anything. As it is, I'm a single, female with no dependents and no family. I also have no physical disabilities and I work- even if I haven't made much. I was denied medicaid (govt. health insurance for those reading overseas) and food stamps/AFDC. If I had a couple of kids and was pregnant, then I would be eligible, but I don't and I don't think having a kid for money is a good reason to have a child. :) I also tried going to some of the groups recommended for mental health care and ran into residency issues. One group did get me some help, so thank you to the Synagogue/Jewish =care group for helping out with that. I check almost every recommendation. To those who doubt me: Please don't assume that because my life isn't working out as you imagine that I'm not looking into solutions. Thank you.
To those who doubt me: please feel free not to donate or read or invest in my story. I get it, I really do. My life isn't worth stressing you out. To those who have supported me, thank you for your support and thank you for your love and kind words. I appreciate it. I also can't wait to meet some of you- but, just not at work. :)
On another note: I can't wait for my first paycheck from this job! Monday can't come soon enough. After paying my rent, getting groceries, car insurance, and other stuff, I'll have enough to make the hospital payment and have money for gas and utilities. :) No extras and no fluff, but it feels good to know that most of the big stuff will be taken care of. It's kind of funny though- I have this great job and I'll still be paycheck to paycheck. Thank God for hospitals who work with you on payments. 90 days until insurance kicks in. *crosses fingers*Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-70412815320277321282013-06-24T14:47:00.000-07:002013-07-15T11:21:02.162-07:00doubtMy last post generated some debate. I will try and answer as best I can. I realize 9 days was a quick work turn around but I don't get the comments saying no doctor would allow a person to return to work in 9 days. The surgeon I had at the hospital encouraged me to return to work at my own comfort but recommended a week of no work, a week of very light duty or no lifting, and then full duty as tolerated. I took a few days to recuperate but I honestly started to feel bored. The incisions are pretty small and the whole surgery was laproscopic. I feel better now than I have physically in a while. So...I am not sure what the implication is.
I have shared my identity with certain people I have grown to trust and I think the feelings are reciprocated. But...the thing is...everyone has different standards of "she should tell someone " or "she would be authenticated". Who do I tell? If I were to satisfy every query, I am afraid the list of people requiring my info would be long. Because, I would have to tell someone you trust and he trusts and she trusts and they trust and you can start to see how that goes. I don't know.
If you think my last post was a request for money, then let me tell you it wasn't. I had people expressing their worry and telling me to let them know what was up. So I did. Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-43280281699546439082013-06-12T08:28:00.000-07:002013-06-12T08:28:09.579-07:0010 Things I Am Good At, 10 things I loveOk. I'm hearing you, all. I received multiple emails and requests in comments to do this. If it does nothing more than refocus my thoughts for a few minutes, then it's probably worth it. Before I do it, though, I may have found a lead to a low cost therapist until my insurance kicks in. I called one of the religious organizations that offers help to no/low income families and explained my situation. They're seeing what they can do and have promised to call me back by tonight. What I keep understanding is that until I'm here 30 days, there are limitations to care. Here goes...
10 Things I Am Good At:
1. I'm good at baking. I'm told I make a mean cupcake.
2. I'm an above average dancer.
3. I can hike like no one's business. :) If there's ever a zombie apocolypse, I think I could live in the wild for a few weeks - mental health excluded, I might survive.
4. I think I write fairly well.
5. I am good at finding books and documents that are hard to find. I don't know why it is or how it is- like, I don't have google-fu, but I can track things like a bloodhound.
6. I am good with kids- even if I'm not sure I want them- I seem to get along well with them and keep them happy.
7. I can do weird hairstyles and braids that other people struggle with. It's my gift. :/
8. If I look at a picture, I can paint it.
Yeah. That's really all I could come up with in my current mental state.
10 Things I Love.
1. Ellie - she's a fun, cute, happy little girl. :)
2. Mountains - I love the air and the sunshine and the intensity of the climb with the reward of the view.
3. Baklava- who doedsn't?
4. Libraries - I love the smell of books and the quiet, small places.
5. Documentaries- I was so sheltered growing up. I like learning or watching documentaries showing other cultures.
6. Sunshine- these gray days are gloomy.
7. Music - I need to get a new iPod. I use to listen to music and fall asleep to music. I somehow lost the iPod on the move.
8. ....
Again, stuck at 8.
Thanks, guys! For all of the help and suggestions. Gotta go to work.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-12654666768759102312013-05-30T06:38:00.000-07:002013-05-30T06:39:31.361-07:00welcome to the midwest......have a tornado! Yes. I was in all of the mess yesterday.
That was scary. I got a late start yesterday leaving Cheyenne. By the time I broke camp and got on the road it was almost noon (something out of character for me). It was gray and over cast as I headed east on 80. About 2:00 I stopped for a bite and all hell started to break lose. It started raining very hard and there were lightning hits that made the hair on your arms stand up. I got back on the road and the next thing I knew there was hail. Either a piece of hail or debris kicked up by a truck or wind broke my windshield. So I pulled off to a gas and repair station to get it fixed. The air alert sirens went off and we took cover in time. The tornado touched down less than a mile away. I heard it destroyed a building. I decided to use my depleting funds for a room because there was no way I wad camping last night! All night we had warnings and bad weather. Windshield should be ready in ten and I will head east again. Keep me in your thoughts. All I could think of yesterday was that there would be some in my family that would say God wad trying to tell me something with the tornado. For the first time, I laughed at that idea and didn't get the nagging feeling that they could be right because, as scary as it was, a tornado in tornado country is just statistics - not a divine interception. Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-14711022255274282572013-04-27T19:01:00.003-07:002013-04-27T19:02:13.822-07:00EllieI want to thank everyone for the ideas they had regarding teaching in a foreign country. I called several of the places mentioned and there are several things I need to do before that's a possibility. One thing is directly related to my childhood- immunizations. When I finally enrolled in a community college, after being homeschooled, I had to provide proof of *some* vaccinations and take a TB test. But, that was about the extent of the requirements. For a job like this, it will take at least several months for me to catch up on the immunizations I missed as a kid and now need. Some of them have to be given months apart. Without insurance, I'm going to have to use the health department and try to arrange time off work that fits the health department's hours. Things like this really irritate me- it seems like I can't escape the ramifications of my childhood no matter how far away I get. Interestingly, I did have SOME immunizations when I was a newborn, they just never finished the series. Now I have to start all over. <br />
<br />
I did get a promotion to head waitress at one job, so that's a small pay bump. Yay! I found a trailer park that has a trailer for sale and I'm about $3000 away from having what I need for the down. That would be great. I think I can get a loan for the rest and manage those payments. *crosses fingers* If I really scrimp, I can do that in a few months. The owner said that he's willing to hold it for me so long as I cover the space it's sitting on. I'm hoping that if I pay the stall fees reliably, that will convince him I'm serious about buying it. :) So, that's a step in the right direction.<br />
<br />
I promised I'd tell you about my nieces birthday!<br />
I can't believe she turned one. In some ways, all of the drama with my sister seems like it was years ago! At the same time, I can't believe that Miss Ellie is one! She is just precious and her moms are doing a wonderful job. She's loved and truly being allowed to bloom. She has a few words and just took a wobbly little step this past weekend. At her birthday party, there were at least 30 family members who clearly worship her. :) She had her own little cake that she demolished and her moms filled a fenced in area of the living room with plastic balls so that she, and her little friends, could have a private ball pit. I'm just so happy for her. To some extent, I owe all of you a big thank you in helping me help Rachel during that crazy time. Whether you made a donation or gave advice, you had a hand in protecting my sister and getting my niece out of that lifestyle. When people say that sites like FreeJinger don't do any good in the world, we can point to Ellie. <br />
OH! Ellie's parents are also thinking of adding another baby to their home. They decided that they want one more so that they can give Ellie a sibling. Wouldn't that be cool?<br />
<br />Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-10330370457877588342013-02-28T21:51:00.000-08:002013-02-28T21:51:01.046-08:00Follow up questions.I have a night off. YAY!<br />
<br />
I don't really have a post in mind of this, but there are some back questions to be asked. Sometimes, I feel like, between this blog or Freejinger, or just having discussions with people via email, that I've already answered a question. Then, a reader will point out that I haven't and I feel like I need to respond. <br />
<br />
I guess, some of this will be like an extended cut of "what happened" after my last series entry in "how I left". <br />
<br />
Basically, the day I walked out of that courtroom, I walked out with what woud become my adopted temporary family. As always, protecting the privacy of everyone involved is important because, as I've said before, I want other people in ATI (and there were a few families and growing, in the area, at last check) community to be able to run where I did without fear. I want to keep that door open for my sisters or for others who had heard about my leaving. <br />
<br />
I basically lived with another family until I got my bearings under me. And, since I was such a newb to life "on the outside", it took me a long time to learn things most people take for granted. Being out alone was truly a scary prospect for me. From birth to that point, I hadn't been allowed alone in my room, let alone out in a store or in a mall or elsewhere. Add, to that base fear, the fear that my parents would go rogue and sweep me away to a retraining camp or park me with another ATI family for re-indoctrination and I couldn't go to the supermarket without panic. Taking off the style of clothes I'd worn for so long took a long, and slow, adjustment period. Luckily, my temporary family let me lead the way and they never forced me to make a stand. I wore dresses for a while because they were comfortable and I still had a belief that God wanted women to wear dresses. The one thing I did, immediately, was stop playing music and I started listening to outside music. Nothing really exciting to most, but...well, for example, one of the first movies I saw had the song "The Way You Look Tonight" played at a fox trot and I thought, "wow! How innovative!" Then, I listened to some country music and that was my gateway to pop music. <br />
<br />
Have I ever considered moving to Nebraska? Well, maybe. I mean, the obstacle now is that I barely make enough to function. Being able to up and move to ANYWHERE seems impossible. My degree is useless, probably more useless in Wyoming or whereever the oil boom is. If I can't make it here, where prices are lower than most places, how can I move? <br />
<br />
I think, in order to move forward, I really need to deal with my emotional problems and get that depression under control. Then, just get a stable base- small apartment or another trailer to operate from. I'm working on it. :)Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-74709933426515569632013-02-17T22:06:00.000-08:002013-02-17T22:06:06.239-08:00Interesting Developments and Questions answered.<b>Mary, I've been addicted to your story since someone pointed me to it ten days ago. I think I'm caught up. I have a question or two if you don't mind. I was a Gothard kid, too. Homeschooled and ATIed. Were you the xxxxxxxxxxx family that used to live in NW Arkansas? We may have stayed with you once. Were you gone by 1995 because I remember you if you are that family? You were maybe 11 or 12? What happened to your rabbit?" Brandywine</b>
Yes. That was us.
I remember your first name. Glad to see you got out of that too. You should go over to freejinger and tell your story. If YOU are who I think you are, your story is better. You're living a great life from what I hear. :) The rabbit was eaten.
<b>How are you living now? I have an extra five dollars I can donate this month. Need it?- Jack></b>
I'm still hanging by a thread. I've been hiking in my free time because it's cheap and it gets me some exercise which seems to help cure the demons. Been contemplating a walk on the Pacific Trail this year. That takes some capitol and I would have to quit work for a few months, though. It would solve my residency issues though. :) I live in my car most nights, other nights I stay with a friend and she lets me do laundry and use the shower. If it's cold, then she'll insist I stay with her. I really just want to get my own apartment. Trying to make that happen by saving up money. It would take a little to do the down payment and then stock the apartment with necessities.
Some day, I'll figure it out. Until then, I'm just thankful I don't have children to deal with.
Thank you, to the person(s) who suggested calling the maker of my medication- they are going to pay for six months worth of my antidepressant. Yay!
Heard from the family and Rachel is pregnant. Interestingly, I see Ellie almost once a week and none of us can believe Rachel got pregnant so fast. I wonder how she'll do with this baby? Ellie is growing so fast. She's just the best. Rachel did the right thing. My dad is very sick, from what I hear. There was a prayer chain for him last week and, from the grapevine, it seems like he may not be long for this world. I worry for my mom and my little sisters. How will they keep going? How will they find a place in the world?
Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-81539313817130219172013-01-25T22:11:00.000-08:002013-01-25T22:18:05.244-08:00Life MarchToday, while I was waitressing, a customer came in and asked me to get him a table for four. No big deal...that's the job, right? As soon as his "party" joined him, I realized that his party was a group of Right to Life marchers, taking a lunch break from their stint outside the local Planned Parenthood.
Let me start by saying that I believe we all have a right to our opinons and, as Americans, we have a right to protest those things which we find objectionable. This man and his party absolutely had a right to stand in the cold and rain objecting to something they can't tolerate within their own lives. Where I went a little numb with recollection and anger, was where their rights infringed on my own and left me in an all too familiar position of powerlessness.
I sat them at their table. As it happened, they were in my section and therefore mine to wait on. I greeted them and even offered to put their signs in an out of the way location (mostly because of the grotesque and obviously photoshopped images on the sign, but also because the signs were in the walkway and OSHA would have a cow). The conversastion went something like this:
<blockquote>Me: Welcome to *************. Are you having a pleasant day? It sure is wet outside, would you like to start with coffee?
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Guy 1: That sounds good.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>Me; Also, I noticed that your signs are hanging into our walk way. Would you allow me to put them in our employee breakroom while you eat? I just don't want anyone tripping over them.
</blockquote>
<blockquote>Guy 1: No...I think we'll keep them handy. Are they offensive to you?
</blockquote><blockquote>Me: I just wanted to make everyone in the resteraunt comfortable. If you want to keep them, can you slide them under the table a bit and make sure they're not in the walk way?
</blockquote>
<blockquote>Guy 2: (who hasn't said a "hello" or "goodmorning" or "F/U") We HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THESE SIGNS! You can't take away our first ammendment right!
Guy 1: If they make you uncomfortable, then maybe you need to get right with God?
</blockquote>
Ok. For starters, I think I'm as right with God as I am going to be until thought and prayer rectifies what was done to me in God's name for so many years. But, aside from that, what the heck? I'm just a waitress. I greet you and seat you. Not to be rude, but to me, you're a customer whether you're pro-choice or pro-life...I hate to even say that I don't care what you believe...as long as I'm doing my job and you're satisfied with the service and the food- we're all happy. The signs did, in fact, make me uncomfortable. ---- Because, the signs were laden with half-truths and scare tactics and had pictures of mangled fetuses in varying (and horribly mislabled) stages of growth. It just wasn't appropriate and it was unsafe.
<blockquote>Me: Sir, your signs are your signs, of course. As long as you move them out of the serving lanes and customer walk ways, you can do with them what you like.
Guy 1: I think I need to speak to your manager.
</blockquote>
Now, I'm lucky. My manager backed me up 100% and reitterated the issue.
<blockquote>Guy 2: We understand you're just trying to keep everyone safe. We'll put them in our car.
</blockquote>
WTF!?! Um. Seriously? Was it because he was male?
This whole day really took me back to an unhappy place. I remember being very, very young and bundled up in the sleety, cold morning to go stand on some corner holding signs I didn't understand. I remember shouting "No more!" even thought I didn't know what I was objecting to. I was a small child, after all. As a Gothard child, I didn't know what a uterus was unless it related to someone elses' right to decide who got to inhabit it. I don't even think I knew I had a uterus until much later. But, the point of having me stand outside in the cold, waving signs wasn't to make anyone think about the real problems with population control or birth control or womens' rights. The point was to put forth an adorable child to make those unsure of their beliefs feel guilt over choices they may have made. The point was to show other parents that our parents were holier and more devoted to God than yours because our parents placed their fear of God over our comfort. Our parents wanted to protect the potential child in your uterus more than they wanted to protect us from a car sliding just a foot to the right on an icy road. Our parents wanted YOU to feel bad that we had to stand in the cold for your sin. I even remember my dad telling a younger sibling to take off a scarve and mittens because we were supposed "to be making a point". We stood on milk crates with signs detailing mangled fetuses because our parents figured out that they couldn't control someone elses' sex life. How pathetic? And now, these guys were going to put real, living, breathing, walking, talking humans in danger because their precious signs meant more than the safety of their servers.
Again, if as an adult you want to protest, then protest. But, don't use your kids and don't put other people in danger for your protest. These marches on Washington don't stop abortions- they're simply self-congratulatory, "look at me, I'm so righteous", group arrogrance. If you want to stop women from choosing abortion, then go volunteer to help battered women. Go give a struggling single mom a hand. Work towards better schools and better care for the children that are already here. Work toward legislation that would make adoption more feasible for people. DO SOMETHING besides standing there waving a sign!
At the end of the meal, I did my obligatory sweep back to the table to check on my guests. One of them asked me if I was pro-life or pro-choice. I was honestly taken aback because it seemed inappropriate. I asked if they really wanted to know what I thought? They said yes. I told them I support women and children period. I told them that taking a black-and-white side was the wrong way to help women and children. They didn't leave me a tip. Instead, I got a pro-life trading card.
Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-29644027166482719562013-01-04T21:29:00.001-08:002013-01-04T21:29:47.564-08:00Happy New YearHappy 2013!
Wow. It has been a strange two weeks. First, and absolutely foremost, I want two, very kind readers. I'm not sure if you want your names out there but you know who you are. Your donation seriously helped me out of a very dark place emotionally. Getting a room for a night and getting a hot shower and a regular bed were a true shot in the arm. It also gave me a worry free night to strategize and figure out what I was doing wrong.
I know there have been many questions so I'll do my best to answer them.
<<b>b>How did you get homeless?<b>
</b>Yes. I lost trailer I was living in.
Basically, and some of this was my bad for not really reading the lease agreement that I signed, the owner of the trailer was allowing me to live on the land, in the trailer, because I was keeping an eye on the place in addition to/or in exchange for/ a pretty good reduced rent. Because I was working almost all of the time, I wasn't there when some of his possessions went missing and he felt that that violated the spirit of our agreement and he gave me a week's notice to vacate before he had someone to replace me. I had to get out pretty quick. What I didn't really understand was how hard it would be to afford an apartment or qualify with my almost non-existant credit history.
I'm still working on it. For the moment, I've swallowed my pride and opened up a dialogue with a member of Harris' family and she is letting me sublet a room in her rental home. But, for about a month, I was living in my very small car and in shelters. You do what you have to do and while I am not proud of it- it happened and now I won't make the same mistakes.
<b>Are you sure you're not cyclically depressed, Mary?<b>
I also applied for a program that gives free mental health assistance to low income people. I explained my situation and basically sat in the office during a day off and the lady got tired of me. :) She set me up with a therapist and a volunteer psychiatrist who put me back on an antidepressant. The devil's medication. ;) I guess I need the devil because I'm doing much better in terms of my outlook on life. I'm beginning to understand that I will probably deal with depression and lack of faith in myself my entire life.
My new therapist did recommend that I start blogging or journaling more regularly. Her take was different than my initial therapists rationale though. The new therapist (we'll call her Julia) thinks that blogging keeps me "in the world" and gives me feedback that I need (good and bad) to evaluate my progress. She also thinks that I will find self-worth in giving my story to others as a cautionary tale and I do agree with that. What say you, readers? Has my blog helped you or anyone you know parent better or avoid QF/ATI?
<b>Do you need financial help or help budgeting? My husband and I had horrible financial problems when we were young. Email me if you need help making a plan.</b>
I do need help in all ways financially. I tried having my student loans deferred, but since I'm working two jobs they want their money. I financed all of my education and lifestyle for those long years and I have a huge debt to pay. My payments are over $200 a month. Since my resolution is to be less secretive or ashamed of my issues. I'll share that my bills are as follows:
Student loans: $200
New rent: $300 (for one room)
Food: $170
Medicine: $68
Car related things: $300
Clothing and things for living: $100
I make about $1400 between two waitressing jobs. Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-6410328779378201392012-12-23T22:10:00.000-08:002012-12-23T22:10:09.345-08:00And so this is Christmas...Hello my friends (and enemies),
Life has been really, really rough lately. I didn't get to go to Disneyland with Ellie, which, admittedly, is a third world problem and I've no right to whine about things of that nature. But, I'm also still homeless and still barely making it meet.
Times like these, I can really sympathizize with QF wives/Daughters. What to do you when you weren't raised to make major life decisions or manage money (or even have an idea about economies and budgets)? How do you ever progress to an adulthood. I paid my bills and had a place to live- what I didn't have was a resettling pot or a planB. I can't live like this anymore.
I've been sick again lately and this time it's definitely from my mental state and from exhaustion. My day starts at 4am. I get up, get dressed, and go to work the breakfast shift. Stay there until noon rush ends. I eat leftovers from the kitchen. Makes me want to tell people- HATE YOUR FOOD, SEND IT BACK! That way I can has their cheeseburger.
About 2pm, I show up for job two. Cleaning rooms in a motel. It is far below my degree, but you do what you have to. When I"m not working, I'm writing. When I'm not writing, I see Ellie. I don't do anything for myself.
That's why when my dad opened up his can of Christmas ass-hat, I found myself very angry. I hate him. He wrote a note to me, enclosed in a gift, saying, "I've heard you are in need of financial guidance.....wait for it...I have enclosed some seminars..." Firts gift from dad in years and it's more emotional baggage.
So, here's my letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
I've never written you because my fundamental parents decided you were too worldy for them. They would've let arenic in your cookies so it's probably better you hadn't gone by our home in any case. I think this many years of not writing allows me this one, adult wish list...right? Santa, I want my fathr to snap out of the hallucination he's been in for many moons. I'm talking Chris Angle stuff, Santa. I need him to see and accept the world as what it is. I need my mother out of poverty. I realize that these are usually requests for God- but I'm covering my bases.
I selfishly want ease and freedom. I want to be able to take Ellie to a store and buy something off the wrack. I want to give her a present. I want to quit one of my jobs and write my book. I want to get out there and meet new people. Basically, I want to live life. I'm doing my part to work and earn enough to live that life...but, it's hard. I need a mystery, piano coaching laundry woman to pop into my house. Do what you can do, Santa. Love, MaryRazing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-53583746321412111332012-09-24T11:52:00.001-07:002012-09-24T11:52:09.872-07:00Is this the end?Hello readers,
Several years ago, I started this blog as part of my therapy. Running away from the QF/ATI lifestyle was a huge hurdle and the support you all gave to me through your emails and comments was invaluable. Then, when my sister needed help, you guys were there. In some ways, I feel like I owe all of you a huge debt of gratitude and more. You were there when I ended a relationship with a wonderful guy and most of you didn't judge me. Most of you gave me the strength to realize that life would go on - and it has. Through the ups and downs with my sister, you were there to help me see that my reactions were normal. In summation, this blog community was a life saver.
I have, however, found that I post less-and-less as time goes by. Partly this is because I don't see myeslf as "that girl who left ATI" anymore. When I think about blogging here, I feel like it has to somehow apply to that experience of leaving ATI. The people who said I only blog when there's something bad are right. The problem is, everything that feels relevant to the blog involves my family and I've come to accept that my family brings nothing but drama. You can see the catch-22 I am in. If I update this blog and keep it on topic it will look like I'm just posting drama. I don't want to be that girl. However, I feel like I owe some closing answers to questions that were posted after my last two posts, so I want to do that.
1. Why did Rachel go back? - I really don't know the whole truth of it. She told me many times that life "out here" wasn't what she expected. I think her expectations were out of touch with reality but I really can't blame her for that. Immediately following my departure from that lifestyle, I had unrealistic views and expectations. I also believe in my deepest heart that she only left to insure that her daughter wouldn't stay in that lifestyle and be judged for being born out of wedlock. I think my sister felt like there was no place for her as a single mom in that circle and she's probably right. She would've been seen as damaged goods. Not that she still won't carry that burden, but - from what I hear- she has already been betrothed to a man whose wife left and took his kids along with her. She accepted, I think, because she doesn't think she can do any better. It's horribly sad but what other life is available to her if she wants to stay in that lifestyle. Since her return, I hear she's recommitted herself to QF. My only fear is that she'll reap the consequences of giving up Ellie and suffer religious abuse for it.
2. How is Ellie? - Ellie is wonderful. She's growing so fast. I saw her last weekend. Her family had a picnic and they invited me. She has such a strong personality and when I look at her, I wonder if that's what Rachel would've been like if we weren't born into the family we were born into. Ellie is happy and that's the happy ending to this story. It's not about me or my sister. It's about that cute little girl.
3. What are you doing, Ruth? - Working, working, working. Still living in the trailer but it's mine now. I bought it from the people I was renting it from. My dad would be proud (hahaha) to know I paid in cash. I'm working on buying a reliable car now. No, I'm not in library services. It turns out that my degree is pretty useless without a masters and budget issues within the state mean that libraries are downsizing, not hiring. I'm working two jobs- waitressing and retail. But it's a start, right? I'm not dating anyone. There's not enough time. I still struggle financially but what young person doesn't? Whenever I feel down on my situation, I think of Rachel and feel better.
I feel like this blog has run into it's natural end. I still want to work toward the goal of shining a light on QF/ATI. And maybe that's where this blog will go- posting articles or stories that shine that light on Gothard and the QF realities? But, I think my story has reached it's end unless anyone has a question I haven't answered yet.
If you're someone leaving or thinking about leaving ATI and you're reading here, I want to say that YOU CAN DO THIS. It will be hard but there are people out there to help you. Open your heart to the world and trust your instincts. - RuthRazing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-9701401330081401962012-08-25T16:05:00.001-07:002012-08-25T16:05:57.948-07:00Apology for the lengthy absense.I'm sorry that I didn't post for so long. All hell broke loose on multiple fronts and I had some serious soul searching, as well as job searching, to do.
Rachel went back to my parents' home. It was completely unexpected and emotionally devastating. The best I can say is that I'm glad Ellie is in a happy, healthy home and that my sister, if she couldn't be strong enough for herself, was strong enough to let go of her daughter.
The basic description of the circumstances were that my QF brother convinced Rachel to meet him for a "talk" in Los Angeles. Rachel decided that she wanted to see him and so I managed transportation for us to go. We had lunch and all seemed like it was going great. Then, out of nowhere, Rachel started talking about wanting to go home. Not one to pass up such an opportunity, my brother bought her a ticket. I still haven't figured out her reasons for going home. Perhaps it was due to the degree of which she was unprepared for life outside of that lifestyle? Maybe because she wasn't progressing in her quest for an education in the manner she thought she should. Maybe I was a terrible roommate? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that this is the second time she's done this and I'm worn out.
Being as she went back. My parents found out my exact address and contact information. I want nothing to do with them so I moved. I got a job that I don't like, but it pays for rent and groceries. As hard as it is, I'm living independently and it makes me feel good about myself. I'm working as much as possible and I was without a computer for a while. I bought a refurb laptop so I can get back online now with some regularity.
Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-91693958315628637952012-06-13T15:35:00.002-07:002012-06-13T15:35:39.483-07:00Quick Q&A<b>Congratulations Ruth! No matter how hot it gets in that trailer, I suspect it's better than living with your parents. At least you can leave the trailer whenever you want, or change it in any way you like.
</b>
Exactly. Rachel and I have had some nice evenings in this trailer and it's a piece of our lives that we'll probably remember fondly. We've been playing cards and talking most evenings. It's kind of nice.
To all those who posted about ways to cool off. Thank you! We tried the buckets of cold water for our feet last night and it worked shockingly well. :)
<b>Question: Have you had any contact with Harris?
Another Question: How is Ellie doing? I couldn't understand how open the adoption was from your posts (and the comments sections make my eyes swim!). I hope she and her family are doing well. I suspect she will grow up thanking Rachel for her sacrifice and I hope that she's able to have a relationship with you two and your future children as part of her lovely extended family.
</b>
Contact with Harris- not much to speak of. I see him now-and-then. We parted as amicably as I would suppose any engaged couple could part.
Ellie- Last we saw her, Ellie was growing nicely. She's absolutely adorable. Her family is over-joyed with the new addition and they've been great with Rachel. We get a picture at least once every ten days or so at this point. That will probably lessen with time but that's expected. The adoption is pretty open. The adoptive parents don't mind e-mailing or sending pictures and exchanging notes. We're supposed to join them for a bbq on the Fourth of July. Time will tell how close we all are in the future but for now we're focusing on making it a day at a time.
Rachel is working on her future. She wants to get some higher education and we're trying to get her legally emancipated. If she had kept Ellie, this would be very easy. However, since Ellie isn't legally hers, she's going to have to go through a similar experience to mine (dad would still have to give her tax information for the FAFSA). For now, she got a part time job at a local ice cream shop and she actually enjoys it. I'm just happy she's doing well post-Ellie.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-10681311599496824502012-06-10T21:09:00.000-07:002012-06-10T21:09:21.792-07:00I've noticed that some people are wondering how I'm doing. Some say that I only post when I have drama in my life and I suppose that they're at least partially correct when it comes to recent posting activity.
The good.
I graduated. I've been looking for a job and have few prospects that are looking promising. In the meantime, I'm still working full time to bring in enough to feed my sister and I. We're living in a camper van that someone loaned us. It's not as bad as it sounds. It suits or needs perfectly. The only real issue is that it's getting hot here! The camper van has to be running gas to run the AC and gas is expensive.
The bad.
We're living in a camper van.
The ugly.
This life.
However, all is not lost yet. There's always the possibility that I'll get a better paying job. Maybe someone will want to publish my blog as a book? I know I'm helping other QF/ATI girls see a light at the end of a tunnel.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-71971415004129772232012-04-29T09:21:00.001-07:002012-04-29T09:21:41.715-07:00The QF LifeMy sister and I have been talking alot about our childhood and some of those things which, at the time, seemed completely normal to us and now seem completely silly. Just little lifestyle things, mainly.
When we were folding laundry the other day, we were giggling about the fact that, as kids, we had to pre-separate the underthings from the regular laundry because one of the boys MIGHT see it. Like our days-of-the-week, flowered underwear would incite a riot of passion in our brothers? Also, as the boys got older, we handled their laundry. Which, as adults now, we're sitting here wondering why our virtue wasn't protected from seeing all the boys nasty underwear? My older brother has shared that he had to "get over" having his wife see his underwear because of all the subliminal messages of evil regarding underwear that we grew up with. We had these little hooks in the back of the closet for hanging bras (when we were finally allowed to wear them) to dry and my brother remembers the first time he saw those and he honestly wasn't sure what they were. Truly, in this day and age, only a Gothard boy would not know what a bra was.
Having bed spreads is another oddity. We didn't have them growing up. Well, we had them, but they weren't ours and they didn't stay on our beds. We had sheets on our beds but the blankets were just folded up and put in a central place during the day. It never made sense. I think there was some justification that we didn't need blankets during the day and they could just be used as a place to hide and do "self-harming" things during the day, so responsible parents kept them in a central place. I don't know if this was all ATI families or just ours? But, I like having a big comfy comforter.
Then we started laughing about the vitamin drink that was popular with ATI folk back in the early 90's. God that stuff was awful. I can't remember the name of it but it was brown, syrupy and cost a fortune: but, we all had to take it. Yuck!
Just life in the ATI.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-40287351264635972872012-04-16T09:49:00.003-07:002012-04-16T10:15:57.879-07:00Sleep is good.I feel like the last few months have been a roller coaster. People had warned me about the emotional exhaustion that would happen to my sister after adoption; but, I didn't think that exhaustion would inlude me. I didn't give birth. I am exhausted, though. When I'm tired, I don't always think straight. So, with that said, I owe an entire group of people an apology. <br /><br />As I said in my last post, I understand the doubt. I also made a decision a while ago that, while I understood the doubt, it was something I *chose* to deal with to keep my anonymity. I choose it. I shouldn't be upset when someone voices their cynicism or questions my credibility because I choose it. What can I say other than "I'm sorry for reacting." There's one line of my last post I wish I hadn't said. <br /><br />That said, I'm human. I'm not perfect and whether I invite it or not, the constant doubt does hurt my feelings at some level. That's MY problem, though, not yours.<br /><br />FreeJinger is a great place. It serves a necessary purpose for pointing out the snarkable hypocrisy in fundamentalism. I shouldn't be shocked when a few people there turn an eagle eye on my own writings. It's a little bit humbling to see that the very thing you're upset about is the very thing you've participated in. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone with my own hurt feelings.<br /><br />There are a few things I want to make clear . For whatever reason, I am having trouble with the log in screen of FJ and have had an issue for about a month.<br />I don't choose anonymity out of a fear of being sued. I chose anonymity because I had/have siblings at home that I worry about. For a variety of reasons, I fear that my putting my name out would send my father into a higher realm of control and damage control that might put my siblings in the path of a moving train. This is also a movement within my parents derive their livelihood. If I out our family now, then there MIGHT be financial consequences beyond the consequences they experience now. It's already bad. I don't want to make it worse. I also choose anonmity because I don't want to go into a job interview where a potential employer could now read about my therapy or my life and, legal or not, use it as an excuse not not to hire me. I've been told that employers are using google, now, too.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-86730201962248922222012-04-14T14:36:00.002-07:002012-04-14T14:55:05.628-07:00Here we go again.Once again, a post on another website has started questioning whether I'm real or not. Once again, I'll say what I've said for almost four years now- it is up to every person reading this blog to decide if they trust that I am who I say I am. I won't fault anyone for having a healthy dose of skepticism about anything they read on the internet. I understand that I can't give the details that some people think would cement my "truth". I understand that my choice to be anonymous means that there will always be some people who don't believe me or my story. There's no comfortable way for me to prove to everyone that I am who I say I am. <br /><br />I am, however, tired of being called a liar. I don't ask anyone to read and I don't ask anyone to donate. In fact, there's been some talk that I'm making a whole lot of money on this blog. That's not true. There's been a suggestion that there was a baby shower for Rachel. Not true. And, actually, when I think about, if I were faking this story for four years and I created a pregnant sister to get money or gifts, then wouldn't it have been more prudent to have let my sister go to her due date in some story to give people more time? As it was, I wasn't comfortable accepting gifts for her for her an adoption and, as it turned out, she gave birth before anyone could plan to do anything. She went early. That's life. I don't know what to say about the tip jar. It's there because there are some people who occasionally like to donate. If anyone thinks I'm raking in the money, then I'd be happy to show someone I've grown to trust here the real data and let them verify that this is not the case. Then I think about how ridiculous that seems and I just think it'd be easier to take the tip jar down.<br /><br />My sister picking a gay couple is not a "plot point". As I stated, she didn't pick them because they were gay or as a "screw you" to the family. She chose them because they had the qualities she wanted for her child. We chose a secular agency and I was amazed by the number of gay couples on their lists. Possibly because it was a secular agency and other agencies don't allow gays to adopt? Saying that it's impossible for an ex-ATI girl to think giving her child to a gay couple is ignorant. My sister is a woman with her own thoughts. She hasn't bought into most of Gothard's principles or social beliefs for a few years- otherwise, she wouldn't have left! If you recall, one reason she wanted to give her baby up for adoption was because she didn't want it involved in patriarchy or fundamentalism. Not that a heterosexual couple would've gone to fundamentalism but there's less of a chance with Ellie's parents than with a heterosexual couple, that's for sure. Gothard wouldn't let Ellie's parents through the front door! <br /><br />There are people who know my name. People I trust. They aren't coming forward because I've asked them not to. That doesn't mean it won't come out someday. In the meantime, if you think I'm lying, then don't participate. If you gave me a donation AT ANY POINT and you didn't get the thank you you wanted, then please e-mail me or post here and I will refund you. I've offered this before and I mean it. Please contact me. You deserve to be comfortable with any organization you donate to. I'll admit, and I've said it before, I'm horrible at getting thank yous done on time. That's why I usually try to do blanket thank yous here on the blog. Paypal doesn't always include an e-mail on donations and some people will ask me not to identify them. Other times, it's weeks before I get online or check paypal and by that point, I feel bad for not noticing it sooner or thanking people sooner. That's definitely something I can work on.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-23050556283630869902012-04-09T16:50:00.003-07:002012-04-09T17:05:56.946-07:00FrustratedPosting about Ellie's adoptive parents being a homosexual couple didn't sit well with many, many people. Despite the fact that the couple were the absolute best choice for Rachel, and that's really all that matters, there were several people who were angry. I eliminated anonymous posts because it was necessary to stop the b/s comments and e-mails. Well, the emails are still coming fast and furious, but at least the public, blog comments are more managable.<br /><br />I didn't share the sexual orientation of the couple to get "extra points". This isn't a game. <br />Rachel chose these parents for her baby because they were, on paper, the best choice. She looked at several couples and narrowed it down to this couple because they met criteria Rachel had. Those criteria were: two professionals, spiritual but not religious, didn't believe in spanking, had a supportive extended family, were okay with a semi-open adoption on the bio mom's terms, and were prepared to take a child immediately. Notice there's not a sexuality requirement. She didn't care if they were hetero or homosexual. It just happens that they were homosexual. But, you know, it wasn't a statement to our parents or to Isaiah. It was just the way it worked out. They are the best parents for Ellie. <br /><br />Some have asked a legitimate question: "how does a Gothard Christian girl feel comfortable enough to choose a homosexual couple to raise her baby?" From what I understand, Rachel was just looking for the best couple. When she saw the line about them being a gay couple, she did have pause. We talked about it and she came to the conclusion that, while it was contrary to everything we'd been raised with, what we'd been raised with didn't guarantee a solid family. I know Rachel prayed about it and she felt God was telling her to follow her instinct on this one. Rachel may have been raised to believe homosexuality is wrong. But, that doesn't mean she believes it. We were also raised to believe women were supposed to be subservient to men and that adoption was not for "us". Neither of us believe those things anymore. <br /><br />Basically, it's done. Ellie is doing fantastic. Rachel is feeling pretty good and she's making plans to start a new life. Are my parents happy? I don't really care, in all honesty. We've heard that they've had a bad reaction to all of this --- but, they've told both of us that they've "washed their hands of us" and that we're disowned, too. It's done.<br /><br />I did get a birthday card from one of my older brothers (through the brother I'm closest to) and I honestly had to laugh at the message. He said "Happy Birthday" and reminded me that I was always getting closer to God's judgement and hell. (roll eyes) I haven't seen the card, but it's been read and described to me. I'm tempted to remind him that he, too, is closer to the same things. <br /><br />Thank you for the great, supportive messages and comments. For every one bad one, we received fifteen positive, helpful messages and that's what counts.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com47tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-51700119870969968752012-04-05T17:19:00.003-07:002012-04-05T17:34:02.717-07:00After birthI'm sorry that I haven't updated since last week. <br />It's been a rough time. <br />First, the good news. Baby Ellie is doing wonderful! She was released from the NICU today and is now home with her family. Leaving her, when Rachel was discharged, was immensely difficult. However, knowing that she's being loved on by so many people helped. I know that she's in a much better environment than I, or Rachel, could've given her at this point in our lives. All of the paperwork has been signed and it's time for everyone to get on with life.<br />Rachel is doing as well as I could have expected. She has her moments of depression but the counsellor/therapist and support group have been very helpful. She also has moments where, by looking at her, you know that she's so confident in her choice that it seems silly for anyone else to be sad about it. Physically, Rachel is doing very well. We need to start looking for a permanent place for her. <br /><br />I did write that letter for Ellie (the letter her parents asked me to write). I won't re-type it for the blog (because it's her letter). I do want to share one things I thought of while writing it. <br /><br />During the hospital stay, I got to see Ellie's new family. They're wonderful. As I've said before, Ellie's family isn't traditional. As some of you have asked/guessed, her parents are a same sex couple. We didn't choose them because of that one things, though. Even though Rachel wanted a couple that were far from fundamental, it wasn't their sexual orientation or their secularism that drew her to pick them. It was their family. Both parents are strongly connected to their extended family and one of the grandmother's wrote a letter to include in their family portfolio for prospective birth mothers. This grandmother talked about how, while the world was telling her otherwise, she chose to accept who her chidl was and to support her child regardless of her differences. There was something so appealing about that sort of unconditional love and I'm so glad that Ellie's new grandmother has that capacity to love. Ellie's birth parents are committed to letting Ellie be who she'll be. Both Rachel and I are drawing a lot of peace from that knowledge and hope. Additionally, when they were chosen by my sister, the birth parents invited Ellie and I into their home. When we arrived for that first home visit, we were greeted by an entire family- aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and just this incredible community of people- all ready to love the baby my sister was carrying. I have to tell you that that amount of support blew me away. I know Ellie will be raised by a village of people and that that village will be far more capable than the one I was raised in.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-16363330644632611112012-03-29T21:07:00.003-07:002012-03-29T21:08:33.484-07:00Rachel is homeRachel is home. The plan is to spend the next few days finalizing things and starting her support group and therapy. Ella is doing great. Thank you for the positive comments and support.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-61729850757321374752012-03-27T08:51:00.002-07:002012-03-27T09:01:27.595-07:00It's A GirlWe have a Baby Girl. Her adoptive parents have said it would be okay for me to share her first name and statistics. They are hoping that if other woman found herself in Rachel's role, that this story might help them make the best decision for themselves and their baby.<br /><br />By the time I got back to her room, Rachel's labor was progressing right along. She got to 6cm and then everything just really stalled again. The baby wouldn't go past zero station. We got her up and walked around the halls for what seemed like forever. Then, the doctor was saying that a little pitocin would help, but she'd be in bed the rest of the labor if we did that and I'm not sure if it scared her uterus into action or what but things started kicking along again. <br /><br />Ella(nicknamed immediately "Ellie") was born March 27 at 1:45am. She's a little small: 4lbs 15oz, but she was long 19.5". She's beautiful. Long, long fingers and perfect little lips. She'll stay in the NICU a few days to gain some weight but she's breathing fine and is very healthy.<br /><br />It was beautiful. I've seen births before but this was hard and beautiful. Rachel was really strong in her decision and as soon as little Ellie was born, she called her adoptive parents into the room to see her. I know it was horribly difficult for her - I can't even imagine- but Rachel was/is so strong. Everyone was so good to her and so cautious about her feelings and protecting her, but she didn't need it. She said this morning that she wouldn't change this. I was so prepared for the worst- for her to want to change her mind or to be unconsolable but she's handling it well. <br /><br />We're both exhausted. I came down for something to eat and then I'm going to go back up and catch a nap with Rachel.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com140tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-24127727707172479772012-03-26T14:35:00.003-07:002012-03-26T20:34:07.422-07:00Maybe baby?Rachel is in labor. She started having bad back pain at four this morning. We called the doctor and he had us come in for a visit around nine. It wasn't Rachel's normal doctor, but he said she probably should just go home and rest. They did a non-stress test and everything was great. <br /><br />We got her home and I made her a little lunch and she said she wanted to shower. While she was in the shower, she yelled for me. I will never forget the look in her eyes when I walked in. There was a little blood running down her leg. So, back into the car we went to the doctor. It was their lunch, so we ended up sitting there for a few minutes. A nurse walked by the waiting room and asked Rachel if she was okay. We told her about the shower episode and she said something about "nervous first timers". Well, when the doctor got there, he had Rachel go in and he checked her. Rachel's aminotic fluid was leaking. She was also at 2cm and 80 effaced. They sent us next door to the hospital. We've been in her room since 1pm. They've put a little pitocin in her line to try to speed things along because she wasn't progressing very well. All of this time she's spent contracting before she was supposed to and now she's going slow. <br /><br />I'm excited. I don't know if I should be. The adoptive parents are talking to Rachel right now and I'm downstairs making this post. I'm scared, guys. So far she seems to be handling this in a remarkably calm and logical way. I'm freaking out. This baby is coming tonight. My niece will be here tonight and I am excited. I can't wait to meet her...and then I think about having to watch her go to the other room with her wonderful adoptive parents and I know it's going to ache. I can't even imagine the ache Rachel will feel. I'm not sure how to do this and be there for her. If this is how expectant fathers feel then they have my sympathies. It's non cake walk. <br /><br />*breathe* I'll keep you posted.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-28052026581952736752012-03-23T21:27:00.002-07:002012-03-23T21:32:33.039-07:00Baby ShowerOk, ok. I finally got the hint. Some of you want to have a "shower" for Rachel- to "shower her with love and opportunities". I had a very hard time accepting this because it felt a little wrong to accept gifts since she wasn't keeping the baby. I've been assured that it's common to have birth mom showers. The baby will be very well taken care of. No worries there. So what can we do for Rachel? I'm open for ideas and if those who want to host this want to host it on their blog, that's fine too. <br /><br />Some have asked: Is these anything Rachel wants to do after the birth that would take her mind of things? What can we give her to look forward to?<br />She really wants to "live it up" at Disneyland. She has never been and she wants to experience it. She also wants a new wardrobe- to move out of modest modern. I'll leave the rest up to anyone who wants to host this. Thank you for offering.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201165796329163117.post-59869293618539452282012-03-20T19:22:00.002-07:002012-03-20T19:31:07.255-07:00Questions/Update<strong>Has Rachel chosen a family?</strong><br />Yes!! I'm so proud of my sister. She found a wonderful family for this baby girl. I don't want to disclose too many specifics - it's probably not wise- but the family isn't typical and they're so far from Gothardism that it's almost comical. I have no doubt that my sister's child will be loved, provided, and cared for. <br /><br /><strong>How's Rachel?</strong><br />She's doing pretty well, all things considered. Emotionally, she's pretty exhausted. Physically, she's getting a basketball belly and she's ready for this to be over. She's stopped having serious contractions and she's still at 1-2cm and 70% dilation. From what I understand, that's problematic because it's enough to be concerned about a premature delivery. However, every day is one day closer to term. I could be wrong but I think she's 35 weeks today. We're definitely in the realm of healthy baby. They did an u/s for growth a few days ago and estimated that the baby was almost 4lbs.Razing Ruthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04854418022850278216noreply@blogger.com12