Razing Ruth

Crumbling, crumbling

2012-02-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

"My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same." - Job 4:8

The brother who I am closest to called me last night. Among other things, he spoke about my sister, "Rachel". She's the sister who tried to leave before and went back. Well, as it turns out, she's pregnant (very pregnant) by the son (let's call him Isaiah) of another ATI family. My first thought was to wonder when they had the opportunity to hook up!?! ATI girls aren't allowed much, if any, time alone with boys and Isaiah's family doesn't live close to mine. Doing the math; the only possibility we can arrive at is that the conception occured during an ATI regional conference! Holy moly! You can bet heads are going to roll for this one.

She's due April 24th, which makes her about 28 weeks along. She's terrified and understandably so. Isaiah's family is claiming it can't be their son who got her pregnant. Of course, their "child",...their 21 year old, god-fearing son wouldn't have broken the purity promise he made to his parents and God. Because, we all know that 21 year old boys never think of sex! Right? So, it's my sister who's lying about her "promiscuity" (one man before marriage equals promiscuity in ATI) and she'll have to prove paternity.

Isaiah's family's actions are horrible. But what's worse are my father's actions! I know, no one is at all surprised that he didn't handle this well. He is livid. His legacy is falling apart. His quiver full of righteous soldiers are straying from the intended target. Rather than support my sister in her claims and attempt to, you know, help her - he's playing the blame game and has decided that my mother is the one to blame!!!!!!!!!!!!! She didn't "keep better control of her daughters."

So Rachel has been turned out of his house and my mother is now banned from speaking to her, too. All I want to say to my dad is, "You reap what you sew!"

Really? What part of Christian parenting suggests that you should abandon your children in their greatest time of need? I understand, in a limited way, that my dad felt I was a threat to the family's beliefs. But, shouldn't he be embracing my sister's situation? She's bringing forth one of God's blessings! Or, does that only count when two white, Christian Gothard followers marry? The hypocrisy is so evident. If Rachel were married, then my parents and Isaiah's parents would be crowing about this blessing from God. Both families are staunchly pro-life and have attended rallies wherein they crucify women who choose abortion - but when it's their own children who are involved, they don't support life and support my sister's decision to go forth with this pregnancy. They kick her out and call her a whore. REAL. F-ING. NICE.

If there's any positive to this situation, it's that Rachel is out. She, like myself, found a second family to offer her the love and support thath should've come from her church and her biological family. She's moved in with my brother's boss and wife. They've helped her get state issued insurance, a part time job, and are helping her negotiate this stressful time. These people are truly amazing and are true Christians.

Please keep my sister in your thoughts and prayers. And, if anyone knows of a good family attorney in Northwest Arkansas, can you please e-mail me the name and number. I think Rachel needs to get an attorney and pursue holding Isaiah responsible. I'm assuming she'll need an attorney to do that? Do any of my readers have experience with this sort of situation?

Science Labs = Boogeyman

2012-01-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for not updating. School started up again and I had to change a few classes. Now I'm stuck, for the time being, with two science labs. (cue the ominous music) Seriously, I *love* the sciences, but these classes are killing me. I took some very basic, remedial style classes before coming here so that I'd be prepared for the basics. It still didn't help me erase 12 years of homeschooling "science" from my head. University level science courses require a different level of thinking and looking at the world. I'll get through it; I'll just be spending more time with my head in a book and less time on the internet. And, as a word of advice for anyone thinking of taking two labs in one quarter/semester: Don't! I'm not a med student for a reason. :)

I haven't heard from my father or mother in weeks. I spoke to my brother, though, and apparently I'm enemy number one. The sister that tried leaving about a year ago has left again. She left with a boy and it's all my fault or something. I hope she's okay and if she reads this- I hope she contacts me.

I guess the point of this post was to say that I'm still alive- just busy. Thanks for all of the inquiries and concern.

Playing with the layout.

2012-01-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

Hello! I've been playing with the layout on the blog (hence the frequent changing).

Well, I have to start focusing on school here soon, so I may not get to post as much. I think we've seen the last of my father for a while (although, I can't guarantee it). He went pretty bezerk over e-mail today and I blocked his e-mail address. Before you ask, "yes!" I did get to talk to my mother, first.

I did something I haven't ever really done while talking to her. I asked her if all of this was worth it? It's something I've been wanting to ask her for a very long time. I don't want to betray her trust by sharing her answer here- but, I do want to say I'm afraid for her and I think she's a little too far gone to leave. Having the last baby, my sister, "Blessing", essentially trapped her. And, truthfully, she still loves my dad very much. I'm glad she has that love. I just wish she knew how much she's given up to stand by him. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you! I wish you could understand that I didn't leave you. It wasn't YOU (to use dad's cap system) that I was running from. I was running from what dad had planned for me. As you said on the phone, I disappointed you- but, you disappointed me, too! You wouldn't or couldn't see how terrified I was by what you claim was "the plan God had for me". How could it be his plan? How could something that I didn't feel in my heart be God's plan for me? Isn't that what you told us girls growing up? That God would speak to us and that you and dad would be there to protect us from someone with wrong intentions? What happened to that, mom? I told you, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want to marry him: that I wasn't ready for that life. You asked me if it was just because I didn't like him and the answer is that I truly don't know. If you were asking if I would've stayed in our faith had I been attracted to that guy, then I can only answer "I don't know." To this day, I don't know what I want and part of that *is* your fault, mom! You didn't raise me to make my own decisions and know that I'm making them, I'm constantly questioning myself because despite dad's claim that I'm some over-confident, stubborn brat, I'm really just a young woman who doesn't have the self-esteem to make a choice! And, when I do make choices, I question them over-and-over again.
Mom, what legacy do you want to give us girls? Do you really want us to have free will and live as God commands? Or, are we supposed to do what you did and keep sweet?
I just want you to know I love you. If you're reading this, I will always love you.

To everyone else,
I'm sorry this became a letter to my mom. Our conversation was cut short today and I think this will be the only way I can communicate with her.

Thanks and more questions for my father.

2012-01-05T16:20:00.000-08:00

I would like to offer a special "thank you" to Michael Mock, Stacie, Anita, and Caroline. I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know what to say except "thank you".

I would also like to thank everyone who has been so kind in the last several weeks worth of comments. Your support has meant the world to me. My life has been very lonely...and then I log on here and read the wonderful words of wisdom being left for me.

My father has been e-mailing me in a frenzy for the last several hours. One request he had was for me to put his answers in a post rather than have him comment in comments because he claims he's having difficulty with the comment section. (?) However, I want to tell him here-and-now that: if he wants dedicated blog posts, then maybe he should create his own blog? Truly, dad! Why not? Then you could "educate us", as you claim to want to, and you wouldn't have to wait for me. In fact, if you're so proud of your life and the way you raised me, then why did you threaten me with legal action if I ever spoke your name on this blog? Also, dad, I would really like to speak to mom. I'm worried about the silence on her end and would really cherish a conversation with her.

I've tried to go back and find the comments he is referring to (those will be formatted in quotes). His answers, sent to me via several e-mails, are bolded.

___________________________________________________________________________

Anonymous said...
Accommodating?
By doing what? Emotionally blackmailing her into a shadow of the person she was created to be? What?

We are not blackmailing. If you are you a parent sir or madam if you are you would know that GOD asks parents to train up their children in the way that they should go.

48 comments:
Sandra said...
re: "holiest of commandments"

does Got Hard Dad somehow think "holy" (however he determines that) trumps "greatest" per Jesus himself? As in "37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment.39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

I don't know about Got Hard but I don't see that Jesus mentions anything about parents in there at all.

January 4, 2012 12:56 PM
Anonymous said...
Accommodating?

By doing what? Emotionally blackmailing her into a shadow of the person she was created to be? What?

Sandra said...
BTW, Ruth, just wondering if Got Hard speaks in all caps like that in real life or just in writing?

GOD deserves to be stood out. We praise HIM by showing respect for HIS name.

Anonymous said...
So how does GothardDad explain all those OTHER Christian families leading happy servant lives outside of ATI?

Any one can pretend at showing a happy face. there are few who will be happy with their fate in HIS KINGDOM. Christians are happy people who know that they serve GOD in HIS plan. There are as we know people who profess a love for GOD and still choose to work against him and will be unhappy when faced with the judgement of the LORD who sees all.

I'm not sure who he was speaking to here because he didn't quote anyone specifically.
I think it's, possibly, meant for Cat.
Closness to OUR GOD and CREATOR depends on your obedeancec in the walk with HIM. Your feelings of a being so powerful as HIM is nice yet not the best judgement of a relationship. The example here is that I love my children closely to my heart but if they disobey the WORD of GOD I can't love them in heaven as they won't be there for me to love. I pray that you find obedience and peace through HIM that breathes into you.

What I find so (sadly) hilarious is how these patriarchalist fathers don't realize that the more they defend themselves and condemn those who don't submit to their authority, the more they reveal how thoroughly self-serving their pet submission dogmas are. Basically, their "sheltering" game is to claim their own spiritual and legal rights in order to deny those same rights to their wives and children.

This man who speaks ill of me knows me not but judges just as the LORD says we should not judge. Let he who is without sin cast the first stones so it goes. Fathers heed the call to shelter their children to grow to be there authentic self as GOD created them. What rights did i take from ****(Ruth) or her mother? Please tell me sir what you think you know about my home.

And here's another thing worth noting: Dad is very adept at utilizing the "honor your father and mother" command, yet seems not to have grasped the "provoke not your children to wrath" command, which is given directly to him.

Andrew is trying to confuse us who truly read the WORD. Children are as to parents as parents are to God. God does not to provoke us to wrath if we follow him but we are provoked when we err and swerve from that PATH OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT HE PROSCRIBES FOR US. Keep reading Andrew and you will see the real message being fathers should not be unreasonable. PROVOKE NOT YOUR CHILDREN TO WRATH BUT BRING THEM UP IN DISCIPLINE AND INSTRUCTION IN THE LORD!

Your children are burdened by the lies and deceit you have proffered them via the heresies preached by Bill Gothard. How does a unmarried man who lived with his mother till she died, have the knowledge and the reason to teach married couple and children the right way? He doesn't. He's a charlatan who has laughed all the way to the bank. Same as Doug Phillips. I feel sorry that you have the need to be uplifted in the same manner as Christ, because Dad, you aren't Christ, nor will you ever attain the self less love and compassion that he taught.

Amal you are the liar and charlatan! Do you know the men you talk about no you do not and still you speek about them with venon that makes you easy to ignore. I don't have to abort my children to know that abortion is wrong nor do I have to have a degree in religion to follow our LORD. Bill Gothard doesn't need a marriage to know respect in human conditions and that which the Bible is clear on: Lo Children ARE A HERITAGE OF THE LORD!

What do you mean when you say your lifestyle was "set before you by the Holiest of Holies?" Did the Almighty drop by one afternoon and explain His model for holy marriages? If not, where did you first hear about the QF system? What persuaded you to try it?

Michael Mock
Every man on this earth has the WORD before him as a way of life. His model is clear to anyone who prays on the WORD. I was set upon this "Quiverfull" system as you call it when I prayed on a scripture that a trusted friendly advisor pointed out to me Psalsms 127:3. I saw how wise this council was and purposed to follow it to it's divine end and was blessed with eleven children on earth and one alrady with the LORD. When you trust you give this all to GOD.

Have you ever considered that maybe the Almighty doesn't extend that call to everyone? That maybe it's something He wanted for you, but not for everyone else - and maybe not even all of your children?

Asked and answerd. Pray on your lack of faith.

As an atheist (ex-evangelical) I feel

I will pray for your soul that you are saved before it is to late. It does not surprize me that our daughters blog attracts such trash.

Steve Bahnor said...
Hey Darth Daddy,
You see that paypal link on the sidebar? You really wanna' show your support for Ruth, start there. Your daughter is doing the do, so to speak, so get off your high horse and do your part by doing what most dads do. Pitch in and help your child realize her dreams without strings!

A fool and his money are soon parted says the WORD of the LORD. Your silly valueless morals make you blind to our commiting to give all our children a payed for life until they marry GODS CHOSEN ONE for them makes this the sillyest thing I have read all day. Do you give money to addicts sir.

Dad posted

2012-01-04T12:31:00.001-08:00

My father responded to a few commenters.

gotharddad said...
I pray for all be they of any race or creed for the love of THE LORD OUR GOD sees us for who we are and what we value over all. Through HIM is is I who ask for the blessings and courage to face this in the NAME OF THE FATHER.
To Deana. You do not know your Bible as well as you profess because if you did the holiest of commandments would stick out to you and show you that "RUTH" is dishonoring one of God's most holy. Inscribed by GOD himself and asked as the first promise is HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER. Important to the point of repetition in Ephesians. This is a trust of faith to honor them in all times in disagrement and agreements. RUTH will not be whole until she can get back to the basic trust in GODS WORD. We love our daughter so loving parents have expectations she has not met as GOD loves us with expectations.

To Michael Mock. The way I live was set before me by the HOLIEST OF HOLIES. GOD requires it for them that will enjoy eternity in HIS precense. My life is good. What life do you have without trust in HIM? I have followed a program of faith to be debtless this makes me happy. My spirit is replenished by the walk I have with my Savior. I have a holy, GOD fearing wife sanctioned by the covenants of the Bible who has walked with me for most of my life. We know no divorce because we believe in the covenant of marriage therefore I am fulfilled and happy. Our children living in our honor are happy. The very small sadness we feel is about "Ruth" and our son who chose this life of worldiness and they were raised in the same way as the kids who stayed and returned to us whole so we keep praying that they too will return to live God's promise.

Quiverful isn't a lifestyle for those who pray upon the scripture which is why it will never be for everyone. Choosing to allow God to be in control of the opening and closing of the womb is a calling that you respond to with right spirit and heart or one that you ignore because of your own desires and needs which don't coincide with the Bible. We don't judge others for not having the faith to walk in the LORDS TRUST but we pray for them to find the strength to open themselves and give it to GOD. Speaking man to man you should try it and watch how your life opens.

Man and woman were created different for HIS PURPOSES and you fight still to be equals in yolk. Purpose to find HIS PURPOSE.

He also sent me an e-mail.

I and your mother prayed to know if we were to respond to your friends on the internet. We believe that GOD is working through you to allow us to show the other side to your speetious, unfounded words against HIS PLAN and we must respond to show the other side. GOD is using YOU ****(Ruth). I am proud to be a Gothard Dad which we believe was as you say passive agressive way to identify me. Pray about your soul and the souls of those you try to bring from Christ's pure love and we will keep praying for you. You will post this we know so post also that we love you all ways and our love is shown best by making you be in charge of your choices. Our offer is still on the table about coming home and going to school of our choice. You could be such a witness for the power of choosing GODS PURPOSE to women if you have the courage to submit to HIS PLAN for you and we will help you come HOME. A family in partnership of faith will even host you if you do not want to live under my roof for the time. Your readers and you should see how accomdating we are being to you.

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T13:24:00.001-08:00

I wanted to make a separate post from the "Notes from Dad" post.
I've read every comment regarding my broken engagement and I want to send out a "Thank You" to everyone who wrote in. Your words of wisdom were much needed and your perspective was appreciated. I purposefully withheld from writing/blogging/communicating with you all for a few weeks because I didn't know if I could handle re-living the break-up everyday. As it is/was, it didn't matter - not reliving it and analyzing it is impossible.

The truth is that I don't know where to go from here. Despite firmly believing in my head that my life's happiness isn't wrapped up in a man, my heart still clings to that childhood belief. When you grow up hearing, and continue to hear (through family), that you can't be a full woman without a husband and a family, not having either (especially at my age) makes me feel like I've failed.

My dad's right in certain respects. My life hasn't been a resounding endorsement of living life the way I do. Let's face truth- I am an adult who really can't support myself financially. Despite trying as hard as I have, my goal of getting a college degree is taking longer than most and I'm in a constant state of financial struggle. It's discouraging. More honesty- when I thought I would be getting married to Harris, I dared to imagine a certain amount of security that now seems like it will never happen. It's easy for me to see why people return to, or can't leave, a quiverful home. There's no safety net.

It does feel like God is punishing me. I hate to say that because, for the last few years, I've tried to stay open to the idea of God being a loving entity. Now I just don't know anymore. That's not to say my personal decisions haven't been responsible for a majorty of my life challenges, but I just wonder when that whole "God will never give you more than you can handle" becomes nothing more than a bumper sticker? I am at the end of my rope. If God exists, then why is this life I'm running towards more difficult than just capitulating?

2012 is here and it's hard to see a positive. Before anyone asks, the answer is "Yes! I am back with my therapist." I'm not suicidal...I'm just tired. I'm taking medication for depression- another double-edged-sword. Medications are expensive and they were forbidden in my childhood. They were seen as a sign of weakness. Every horrible forecast of despair that I'd been told would happen if I abandoned the ATI/QF plan has come to pass. My only consolation is that I also see non-ATI/QF/Christian people who seem very happy, unbroken, and unmedicated, too! Maybe there is hope. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. Ha! Maybe I haven't found that life for me, yet?

Thank you, my readers, for helping me see past this break-up. Thank you for being there to listen. I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.

Notes from Father

2012-01-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Some of you called it. My dad couldn't resist weighing in on my break-up with Harris. He e-mailed me using this blog's e-mail and we had a short correspondence. He "dared" me to post it on this blog and "give him an audience". What he doesn't understand is that this doesn't make him look particularly favourable. However, I suspect he's channelling VF/ATI/QF people here to read (just based on traffic reports).

DAD: you asked for it. Our exchange. Also, dad, if you want your chance to voice your opinions, this is your post. You stated in your e-mails that you wished people would talk to people like you, people who know "the reality" of living a "Godly, Bible based" lifestyle. You said you think this blog is giving people a false message. So here you go, Dad! If you want the chance to answer questions yourself, I have made it so you can answer them. Use the name I x-ed out of our conversation so *I* know it's you and I'll leave the answers up for all to read.

______________________________________________________________________
We are praying for you this Christmas eve daughter. You need the grace and forgivness of GOD for only HE and HE alone can give you the solice you suffer for at this time. Marriage is a GODGIVEN COVENANT and only HE knows who HE has made for your heart and this is the enevitable end that we knew you would face as soon as you left my umbrella of protection. ****(Harris) was the fruit of your lustful heart when only prayerful silence can show the one GOD has for you. You walked away from that love bound through HIM and into the arms of another man. You have sinned my daughter and only repententing to the CREATOR can help you now. We invite your back. Your mother and I have prayed about asking you to come home and be an example in CHRIST. We will forgive you for everything that you have done including the pain you caused our family. You won't have to struggle financially or look for love in the damaged world. Our gift to you for Christmas is prayer and forgiveness. Love through HIM who gives us strength, Father.
______________________________________________________________________
Dad,
The pain I feel is magnified by your e-mail. Why does your love always include strings? It would've been an amazing gift to simply let me know that you care. The best gift of all would've been to open an e-mail from you with three words- "I love you." That would have told me you truly felt my pain. Dad, Harris was a good man...he just wasn't the right man for me at this time. I don't need your forgiveness, dad. I need your support and your love. I think far too much has happened for me to return to your home. I appreciate the offer.
______________________________________________________________________
Its always thus with you, daughter. You want what only GOD can give but you deny HIM and only GOD gives the love you need. Our church family would like to sponsor you even to enroll you in a college of our choosing. We will pray with you to be who GOD wants you to be. Your life is lacking and you know it's true my daughter for GOD has told us all through these tragic life trials you have faced since you started this blog of lies that you will never have the sweetness of GOD'S PLAN until you submit to the life you were born to live instead of the illnesses injuries and, suffering you get from your worldly life. Your blog is keeping our lifestyle in a negative place when you know people live this life happily. I know you support homosexuals having a choice in their lifestle then you tell us we're wrong to ask them to submit to God's authority but you won't let us live quietly in peace with our choices that are sanction IN HIM. Give GOD a voice or give a strong household a voice instead of mocking them and us. Your a hipocritical girl the reality be you will not allow a GODLY man to impact this story you tell. I can't comment without your say. I will show you this is the life for you if you just allow God a voice.
____________________________________________________________________________
And what if I came home, dad? What would life be like? This college of your choice would be where? Would you choose my major? Can't you see that my life my be horrible, but also understand that at least it's *my life*? Have your voice, dad! Respond to my blog using the name ********** and I will leave it for all you read. I'm not afraid of God's voice or yours. Just know they are not the one-and-the-same, dad.
____________________________________________________________________________

That's where it ended.
Time will tell.

Damaged

2011-12-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

From my experience with blogging, when you blog, you don't expect that it will become this place that you really go to for advice. Maybe it's because I lack a family support structure, but I look to some of you for your wisdom like I would look to my own family. It was that way with the wedding post. For a few months now, I have been feeling like my engagement to Harris was more about me wanting a family than being "in love" with Harris. I think I'm damaged beyond fixing because getting to know Harris was wonderful and growing to love him was wonderful but I really became attached to him when I met his family. So why am I so unable to give up any control to that family that I came to love?

Harris and I are no longer engaged. It's over.

I don't believe it was his fault. I think it's mine. His family wanted a big wedding and Harris wanted it to. I couldn't do it. It's my failure. When we all sat down to talk about the wedding, his parents said that they understood my fears about big weddings- and what it really came to is that I have had to be such a private person for so long that I couldn't get comfortable with so many eyes on me and so many people wondering why Harris was marrying me- me with no family and me with no real background. His family is so well-off and so educated and I just didn't feel worthy or like I fit. When Harris started talking about how involved his family was and would be in our lives, I saw it as something to fear rather than a blessing that it probably would be. It's control. I was going to lose control.

I've met some of his extended family and it exposed how inept at family I really am. I don't understand families. It's me. I don't know how to be part of that bigger thing because the only family I grew up with was so commanding and exacting.

I have done 'the work' in therapy. We, as a couple, were doing 'the work'. I was happy until it came to that aspect of family. I asked Harris if we could just continue as we'd been - not married, but moving ahead in a committed relationship. He said no. He was afraid of me "never coming around to the idea of being part of something bigger" and "always wanting us to be separate". He's right. I had this idiotic idea that we could be a couple and have his family be this thing that we'd see when we wanted and invite in just as much as we wanted. That's not how marriage works, I guess.

In our pre-marital counselling, one thing that also came up is that I don't think I want children right away. I love kids. But I'm terrified of holding that responsibility in my hands. I talk a good game about how my childhood was robbed and handled wrong and yes, I could change diapers or cook meals and "provide" for the physical needs of my child, but I'm emotionally damaged and you can't mother if you yourself are so damaged, right?

I don't know what I will do from here.

Oh heavens!

2011-12-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently, my mother and her friends attended Jubilee Duggar's memorial. My brother sent me a forward of the e-mail my mother sent him about the event. My feelings and comments follow.

God is good! Praise Him in his absolute perfect wisdom and compassion. ************ and I attended the beautiful memorial for little Jubilee Shalom Duggar. Hundreds of people were there to life them up in prayer. If you know and walk with our Lord you know HE has her in his Kingdom and he only chooses those that have spirits too pure for this earth. Jubilee is at perfect peace in HIS arms while she waits for that time in which her mother and father will greet her in heaven. I'm sure J.L. is holding his granddaughter on his knee right now and they are smiling down at the Duggar family and their kin. What we witnessed today was a family living the WORD of GOD. They could've been like many of today's families in their heartbroken grief, wailing and gnashing at the world and being angry at God for HIS decision. Oh yes they could have been. We know that this is not how a true believer reacts to a situation even as hard as this. We praise God during bad times and we will elevate HIM in the bad and that is what the Duggars did today. Proud were they of this little life that God blessed them to have that they related the memories of finding they had been chosen to carry this angel-baby. Michelle and Jim Bob spoke of her impact on their faith after Josie's struggle. Jubilee gave them a renewed hope and purpose to continue his commandment to accept children willingly and at HIS timing. They are to be applauded for this unpopular steadfastness to LIFE! In honor of the Duggars and their new angel, let us all remember them during fellowship and spread their message of faith. Let us praise them in our daily lives as we praise HIM. If we spread this beautiful family's message to one person and they spread that grace to another person, we can pray a circle of protection around them to scare off any negative, unGODLY persons who are attacking them on vicious websites and the devil's media. Please add the following passages to your prayer tonight. Psalms 127:3, Titus 2:11In humble prayerful fellowship-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Where to start with this?

Mom, I understand you didn't intend for me to read this or post this. I apologize if what I'm about to say hurts/disappoints you.

Mom,I have found no biblical support for a 200+ person funeral for a miscarried infant. When you miscarried, did Bros. Gothard or any of your ATI/VF people arrange such a "celebration of life" for you? What about the miscarriage of your daughter in law? Did you send out a note asking for prayerful support? I remember hearing that they asked you and Dad to come mourn the loss with them and dad said he was too busy. Is it because the Duggars are on television? What would make you treat them better than your own family? I have more compassion for Josie Duggar. Why hasn't the ATI crowd rallied around a cause to make sure she receives the earthly needs that she undoubtedly has after her premature birth?

You won't come to my wedding, but you'll go to the funeral of a 16 week fetus?

Wedding Question

2011-12-11T16:29:00.000-08:00

Harris and I are starting to plan our wedding. I never, ever imagined it would be as complicated to plan something that's supposed to be "a simple, small wedding"!

I need advice.

Background: As you might guess, my parents won't be there and I don't have a large extended family I'm close to. It's likely that the only blood family of mine that attends will be two or three (HOPEFULLY, HINT!) of my siblings. In any case, I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle (not "give me away" - just accompany me). This makes me very happy and I'm fine with keeping it intimate. Harris' family is huge! His parents are willing to pay the added expenses of adding people to the guest list and I guess I should be grateful for that and let it go. But, I really don't want this to become a spectacle. His parents and I normally get along really well but they're not understanding how awkward I would feel having 200 people on the groom's side and 10 on the bride's side.
Question: Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep this small AND satisfy Harris' family?

Should I get over it? Am I being stubborn over something that just isn't going to matter in ten years?

Duggar Miscarriage

2011-12-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

Ruth! Did you hear about the Duggar miscarriage of #20? Do you think they'll try again or get the message? Do you think they will show the funeral?

Yes. I heard about the miscarriage.
I'm torn about giving my opinion or sharing my thoughts on this because, at the very least, a family who wanted another child is suffering a loss and that loss is tragic to them. Who am I to judge them at a time like this? I'm no one. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not really judging them as much as I am explaining their rationale for people who've never experienced a family like them before. Right or wrong - I have an insight and I've been asked to share that insight.

They WILL try again. Like I said in my last post, it didn't matter how this pregnancy ended; happy, sad, tragic, joyous- in their mind, whatever happens would be a blessing from God. I have no doubt that at this very moment, in the Duggar home, the family is consoling themselves with the thought that their 20th (21st, if you count Michelle's first miscarriage) child is with Jesus. Not only is he/she with Jesus, but HE/SHE WAS CHOSEN to go early - they would consider this AN HONOR! I've heard some ask if they would see a difference between this loss and their first loss and the answer is a resounding "YES!". The first loss was not God's will, but the consequence of their decision to use that Evil Birth Control (EBC). This loss can't be blamed on that. You might wonder if they're self-aware enough, as ridiculous as the premise is, of seeing their pride and hubris as a sin worthy of punishment from God? I have to say that I don't know where they fall on that spectrum. My heart tells me that they will ask themselves this question because of the perpetual guilt trip and fault finding spirit that Gothard instills in these families. My head tells me that, although the Duggars wear the Gothard/ATI/QF badges on their sleeves, they're also Reality Show stars with the narcissicism and egos that seem to go along with being on TLC. They've likely started to believe that they are a virtuous, moral family REWARDED by God with this show. As such, they will fall to seeing this loss as a blessing. The real question isn't how they will perceive this loss, I supppose, but what they do with that?

The potential exists for them to view this loss as a warning from God to quit the show. That's a slim potential, but it exists nonetheless. They may also see this as God's challenge to them to keep up their mission despite another set-back. After all, Josie came out "okay", right? They may use this as a "teachable moment"- "see how we didn't let this loss stand in the way of our belief that we should accept all children from God?!?!?" If they truly view their show as a mission, then we will see every step in the process of their grief and acceptance because they view themselves as a light!

Unless TLC tells them otherwise (and what are the chances of that happening), we will see the ultrasound. We will see the kids being told (at the very least, we'll see the reactions of the girls who went with Jim Bob and Michelle) and we will see the door to the Tinker Toy House be closed for a few days before they regroup and film the funeral. We'll be shown the funeral. I would call on TLC to have a conscience and not exploit this for ratings. However, I have a feeling Jim Bob will insist it all be shown for the same reasons that they gave us a birdseye view on his dad's death and his youngest daughter's excrutiating struggle in the NICU- because it shows the Duggar family as the heroic, Christian soldiers that they want to be. Remember, this is the same man who said, as his wife and premature infant were DYING- "This is fixing to change our lives...we thank God for the good things and we need to praise him for the bad things too" (or some such thing). In my opinion, he's disassociated from actually caring for his family long ago- now it's all about showing YOU just how MUCH HE'S LEAVING THIS UP TO GOD.

As such, his wife's physical and mental health are secondary. The health of the flower he's planted in her uterus is secondary. The physical and mental well-being of his children (who are also dealing with this loss) is secondary. What matters to this family, and generally to all QF/ATI/Gothard families, is the evidence of their devotion to the principle.

On a more personal note, I was actually angry when I read his request for privacy. Not because they don't deserve privacy. THEY ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DO DESERVE to grieve this loss with the dignity and privacy that most families would grieve it. The anger within me comes from knowing that this will only be "private" until it's needed for ratings or for the family's mission purposes. I also suspect, and am angry, because it will only be private in the same way that they didn't give us daily updates on Josie's progress, but kept it "private" until they gave updates to the Today Show or People or 19 Kids and Counting producers.

This show needs to end.

ETA: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20552365,00.html
This people article, quoting Michelle, is the answer to the first question - "will they try again?" Despite the fact that, as I understand it, the progesterone dip would follow the miscarriage, and not necessarily mean that that's what caused the miscarriage, this is the excuse and "out" Michelle is looking for to try again. She'll follow the Bates' example and use progesterone next time. If she does, I have a feeling this show will be done- you can't say that you're leaving it up to God's will if you're taking meds to prevent God's will.

What's up with those Duggars and other questions?

2011-11-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

E-mails have been coming in left-and-right over the last few days. I suppose, if this was a website earning some sort of profit, I should thank the Duggars...because every time they add a child to the mix, this blog gets more hits than a baseball at a Little League game. It also restarts an inbox rebellion from different folks wondering about my take on the Duggars. I guess people want an insight from someone who was once in the same sort of dog-and-pony show. So, here we go.

Why do you think the older Duggar girls aren't being courted?
I don't know that they aren't. If they were, we wouldn't know until Jim Bob was certain that the Godly Young Man was ready to "adequately provide" for his daughters. That's the problem, really. There's an unspoken and unwritten "law" in Gothard/ATI/SAHD families that if the father truly loves his daughters, he will wait for a match for her that can provide on the same level. For most fundy, ATI families, this really isn't much of a problem since, as a rule, they're almost all broke and pauperish. The Duggars have vaulted themselves into a different level of "adequate provision". How many undereducated, blue-collar (or less), barely shaving, Godly Young Man (GYM) is going to have the resources to match what those Duggar girls are accustomed to? Not many, if any! Jim Bob, maybe knowingly (but probably by accident) has created a problem for himself. If he's going to marry off a daughter, the pickings are slim! It used to be, in QF/ATI circles, that a girl was looking spinsterish if she hit 22 and didn't have a plan. But these more prominent and sucessful ATI/QF families are finding that they need those girls at home and they need the income that they often provide through at-home-business (or ratings). So they do what any fledgling religion does when the current standards no longer work so well - they change the rules and expectations. The Duggar Girls are now being shown as the model of SAH Daughterhood. These girls that are so willing to give their hearts to God and their choices to their father that they redefine purity into a marathon. Okay so that was a long answer to an easy question. The answer is that Jim Bob has created a problem for himself that's not easily solved.

Additionally, the Duggars have started to, from what I'm told, see themselves as a seperate ministry from ATI. They see themselves as a light on a hill and other fundy families are questioning how "involved" to get with one limelight when the "head limelight" (insert Bill Gothard or other fundamental leader here) is still watching. Anna Keller's family was really on the out-skirts of the ATI movement. They weren't ATI royalty, but look at all the attention that came their way all of the sudden. Alot of ATI families would rather avoid the spotlight because the lifestyle doesn't lend itself to the most flattering of portraits.

Do you think the older Duggar girls aren't pushing marriage because, like you, they may not want to leave the younger ones behind?
Possibly. We wouldn't know unless one of them left. I guess we could all hope that's the case. I will say that abuse on the scale of my youth is pretty hard to hide from the light of a reality crew camera. People saw Kate Gosselin's questionable behavior and cried foul. People are seeing Michelle Duggar's wacky responses to illess and injury and calling foul. I would imagine that if the older Duggars were concerned about the physical safety of their younger siblings, that we would've seen some signs of abuse on television by now. On the other hand, maybe they stay because they know how little care the smaller kids would receive from Michelle? The JOY principle can become pretty ingrained.

If Michelle dies, what do you think would happen?
I hope Michelle and her baby are safe and healthy. There's no way I would wish the loss of a mother on anyone.
Hypothetically speaking, the family would run just as smoothly. I don't think Jim Bob would run out and find a replacement wife (although other ATI dads have). I think Jim Bob is limited by the same fame that limits his daughters' marriage prospects. I do think, and would expect, that one of the daughters would become defacto mom in Michelle's place, in much the way they are now. But they wouldn't marry and would sacrifice themselves for the good of the family. I guess you could relate it to becoming a nun for the Catholic faith. One of the girls would become a Duggar Nun.

They really don't know who the Beatles are?
They really don't know who the Beatles are! People think I'm stretching the truth when I tell them how little I knew of pop culture past and present. ATI is worse than being Amish. The Amish at least circulate within society to a certain degree. Growing up ATI is like growing up on an island without television or radio. I know my dad took at of the radios out of our family cars so we wouldn't be influenced or tempted to listen to ANY music outside of what he allowed. The TV in the house isn't hooked up to cable and it's usually not even plugged in until there's some sort of ATI promo material to watch. The strangest part of that sort of childhood was that, when I did get out, I would hear a song on the radio and realize I already knew the melody. The machine had simply taken pop music melodies and inserted "inspiring" lyrics. But, no. They don't know about the Beatles or Michael Jackson or even Johnny Cash. Unless you're Jesus (or now the Duggars) there's no "celebrity status" in that world. I mean, come on,...in what other faith would Dolly Parton know who you were but you wouldn't know who she was?

How do you feel about #20?
I think it's potentially the most dangerous, most possibly tragic decision the Duggars have ever made. And I think they have already shown that bad outcomes don't phase them because they see the trial as a blessing from God. It's like martyrdom! The worst would only happen, in their head, because God would know they could handle it- so bring on the worst. And, if all goes well, then "Hey! Aren't we blessed? God loves us!" There's no possible loss in their twisted way of thinking. I am, truthfully, unaffected by #20. It's not my family. At the same time, as a human being who was raised with that same twisted way of thinking, I'm rendered speechless by the hypocrisy. It is hypocritical to say you value life so much when your precious miracle baby will no be relegated to "sister mommies" and when you can't appreciate the actual moments of life because there's so much around you. Ever notice how musuems that collect fine art rarely put 20 Van Goghs in one room? Or, how a wealthy art lover rarely hangs 20 Monet pieces in the living room? It's because the true art lover likely understands that individual beauty can get overwhelmed by more beauty to the point where it's just another painting.

Too many poppies in a field can make it so that you only see the field of orange and not the individual flower. If you don't take time to nurture each flower in your garden, the flowers die.

Old Questions

2011-10-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day!
Today has been blissfully slow and unscheduled so I finally have a chance to answer a back-log of e-mails and questions from really old blog posts. Many of the e-mails and comments strike similar chords: for those, I will not put the name of who asked because there were multiple people. For others, I have put down initials or names (based on requests for privacy, usually).

Here we go...
How was your summer?
Busy, busy, busy! After last summers' financial fiasco, I decided that the best way to avoid a lot of my financial stress was to give up one of the scholarships I had accepted (that limited the time I was allowed to work) and just work multiple jobs while I could. The scholarship amount had been reduced to the point of it being absurd to limit myself. With the exception of the visit to the family, I worked almost every day at two places. I nannied for a family that just needed part time nannying on the weekdays, from 5am to noon. Then, I worked for a company that was taking down a chain bookstore and boxing up the inventory. That was usually a 5pm to midnight job. In between, I slept and did counselling with Harris or hung out. I was going to take a class but that was pushing the limit of possibility. Let's see. I also had physical therapy thrown in the mix.

Ron asked: How are you recovering from your accident?
Well, I think! I had a physical therapist who was willing to see me only twice a month (because of insurance and financial limits) and then provide me with really detailed, daily programs to follow. I did get a small settlement (after all the medical bills were paid out). It wasn't enough to let me out of working but it was enough to cover all the medical expenses and partially pay for the Arkansas trip.

How's Harris?
Great! He's really focused on the future and planning that (as much as you can plan).

T.J. of South Africa asked: Are you still in a holding phase about religion?Which church are you getting married in?
I guess so. I put those things on the back burner while I focused on my immediate needs for survival. My therapist had asked me one day why I felt like I had to put myself in a category for religion and I told her it was just something I felt like I was supposed to do. She asked "why?" and really pushed me to examine why I felt that need and, pathetically, I realized that it was a very external reason: I felt like I needed to check that box to define myself for others. Like I said- pathetic! So I've decided that - at least for now- that's not something I truly need to define and I'm okay with just seeing how it develops. I've been to church with friends and I haven't found a fit. I really think that organized religion might not be for me. But we'll see.
We aren't getting married in a church. There will be a minister performing our ceremony but it will be outdoors. That much we do know. Harris and I want to keep it small and focus on the things and people we love.

S. Sawtelle and Kate asked about gifting: I want to thank you for the offer and the love you're showing. For now, however, I want to pass on gifts from internet friends/readers. It's not that I don't appreciate what has been given to me or what you're wanting to do. It's just that that got complicated and made some people doubt the legitimacy of my blog and it's message. Just having a paypal link was seen as a request for handouts. So I can only imagine what having a bridal registry or wish list would make people say. Please let me think about it for a while. Okay? I do thank you for the sentiment.

Maritza said: "Do you think you're really ready to be married? (clip) you struggled financially...(clip)...you were just getting independent when you got engaged so fast. Why don't you date around?"
I love Harris and we've worked really hard to make sure this is what we both want. Our therapist was saying that no one is ever completely and perfectly ready for marriage but that you *can* prepare yourself with honesty and in depth, constant self-evaluation. I realize that this is a serious commitment I'm making to another human being and that I've had a rough past. I realize this will be difficult at times and that it will be work. I am willing to work at it. There again- I have never felt as deep a love for any person as I do for him and I am confident that he feels the same way. We have, during this premarital counselling run into issues that we disagree on but they're not deal breakers and we're not shutting out conversations. One of those issues is when to start a family. I want to wait a few years and Harris would love to start as soon as that ring goes on my finger. HA! Rather than not deal with it at all, we're talking about it and using the tools we've been given to really listen to the other person's point of view. I think we're much more prepared than most. And I can definitely say that we're far better off than some of the marriages that would've been considered "prepared" under the standards in which I grew up. I also think that using the term "rushing" is maybe misused regarding our relationship. We didn't scurry off to Vegas! LOL Tempting but we didn't.

Hannah K. asked: Did you hear that an ATI dad has used your blog as a cautionary tale during a conference speech? No!! Please write me back and share the details. I'd love to see if I can find it on youtube.

Jordan asked: Is there any way you would speak at my church? No. Although I feel closer to being comfortable sharing my identity, I'm not there, yet. I like the freedom this anonymity has given me to share my true feelings. As soon as I share who I am, it will be "game on" for an entire religious group and there's no turning back. My dad might be expected to show more discipline with my sisters, to prevent them from going "my way", and I won't do that to them. It's bad enough as is. But, there are several ex-ATI/QF women who would take you up on that offer. Just look around Freejinger or No Longer Quivering or those other sites. Good luck.

Wedding Bells and Summer

2011-10-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted regularly (or at all). Harris and I had some post engagement jitters and decided to seek out pre-marital counselling. We decided to do it intensely and, the reality is, that *I* needed to work out a whole lot of things before I could feel 100% sure of marriage. As it turns out, that intense examination of our lives was the best thing for our relationship and we're full-steam ahead for a wedding sometime in 2012.

So I'm sorry for not keeping up here or answering e-mails. I was putting a focus on my relationship and didn't want anything getting in the way of that. Blogging takes some level of commitment. :)

I know some of you knew about the visit with my parents. I said I would blog about it, so here goes.

Harris' parents were really concerned about my relationship with my family. They brough up the valid point that, even with the history, my parents had some degree of a right to expect to meet the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But they also agreed with my point that this was a toxic relationship (with my family) and any meeting would have to be on my terms and with enough support to facilitate a good outcome. Harris' mom decided she would go along with us.

My brother told my dad and mom we'd be back in town and asked if we might all get together. We met for lunch at a public place. It was very tense. I got to see my newest little sister (Blessing) for the first time, really. It was a special moment. She's adorable! Mom was happy to see me and hear about my life. As expected, though, my father was not. He only said two or three words during the entire lunch and those words weren't very kind. He had more to say (or, maybe, "inquisite" is a better word) to Harris.

The next day, the three of us (Harris, H's mom, and I) went to my brother's house and my father came storming in. He wasn't happy that Harris never asked his "permission" for my hand. He wasn't happy that I left home the way I did. He wasn't happy that I had, to his eyes, "foresaken the values I was raised to". He just wasn't happy. My therapist had prepared me for his reaction and to a large extent, I didn't care. After he ranted for twenty minutes or so, I asked if he would ever be able to accept me as I was? He said, "No." and I said that we were done then. He has the right to decide not to accept who I am and the choices I make. However that's his loss. I told him I accepted who he was and even though I strongly disagreed with his lifestyle and tenets of faith - I accept that that's his choice and not my choice. He told me I'd burn in hell and stormed out. THAT, my Gothard readers, is the "family first", "unbreakable bond" that you're heading towards! Choose wisely. Don't pick Gothard over your child. Would a benevolent and kind Christ make you choose an ideology over your child?

Mom and I had a good conversation the following and last day of my visit with the family. She said dad "allowed it"- which made me cringe. I want to keep that conversation private only because my dad would likely turn some of it against her and I don't want that. My mom was, as she said, "given authority" to form her own opinion about Harris and join us for lunch. She said she thought we were well matched...for what that's worth. I love my mom, dearly, but I can't keep waiting for her to ACT like the mother I want her to be. They've decided they can't attend my wedding but will chaperone any of the at-home siblings that wish to attend so long as we're married before a certain faith of minister. Since that's probably not the path we're taking, I guess they won't be at my wedding.

I wish it were different.
I'm still in school. I'm working quite a bit and struggling to be independent before getting married and becoming independent together (?). But, it's worth it! I'm sharing a place with four roommates (none of whom are Harris) and it's interesting for this former Gothardite Girl. :) Have a wonderful day!

Ruth, Where are you?

2011-06-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry this blog hasn't had much activity for the last two months. After the proposal and finals, I had to start that process of deciding what I was doing for the summer and I made the decision to return to Arkansas for a visit with my brother. That led to family drama (of course). Harris was with me for the first week and certain family members got to/wanted to meet him.

Now I'm back where I belong and I can say that with much contentment. Going back and seeing that life that I left was hard but really necessary. I will blog more about it as I process it.

While I was away from the blog, there were some commenters who felt that I didn't care (as they said in e-mail comments) about a commenter who asked me for advice on leaving an abusive environment. I want to make one thing very clear. I am not an abuse professional and while I hope one day to help people like me, I am still going through this process and I'm figuring it out as I go. I'm not qualified to give advice. What I can do is support another woman's choice and say that I wish her the best. If you are leaving an abusive, oppressive environment, then PLEASE contact someone who can give you better resources: http://www.thehotline.org/. Call 911 or find a safe place. Get out. I would love to be able to help but I honestly don't know what you need or how to help you. I told my story to help people see that there was a chance to escape patriarchy and forced marriage but if I don't know you personally, I can't do much more than offer you hope and a hand of friendship. Which brings me to the other point that should be made - I don't check this blog often enough for anyone to depend on me. I feel horrible about not responding to someone who needed help but I can't go back and change that and I can't promise I will do better next time because I can't promise I'll always be online or checking in.

Thank you and I'm sorry I dropped the ball.

Willingly and completely

2011-04-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

I guess the cat is out of the bag. :)
As some of you knew, my birthday was last week. I thought it was going to be a quiet day without much fuss (just as I like it). But- Harris had other plans. We started the day by driving up to his parents place for a family dinner. His mom managed to get enough pictures together to do a cute little scrapbook. This was my gift. As I was looking through it, I have to be honest, I was kind of thinking that she was a little premature because there would be a picture of me at 2 years old and then a picture of Harris (on the next page) at 2 years old. Then a picture of me at 13 and a picture of Harris at 13. And, so on and so on - until it became a record of things he and I had done together. A lot of blank pages were left in the scrapbook and I thought it was a sweet idea that she had left room for us to keep putting things in the book. After cake, Harris asked me to take a walk with him. Still pretty normal for when we visit his parents, although as I'm still in PT, I was a little worried about walking on uneven ground at night. I needn't have worried for when we went outside, his dad had hitched up this old hay wagon to one of the horses and he took us for a nighttime ride. I think I started to realize something was up when I saw that they'd lined the path with luminarias. We got to this small rise on the back of their property, that overlooks the river, and there's a bench where multiple generations of his family have come to pop the question. It was beautiful - little lanterns where everywhere and there was a bouquet of flowers on the bench (not that they were really needed because there were poppies and lupine everywhere, growing wild). I actually started to panic and I still don't understand why because I knew as soon as I saw this that I was going to say yes - but I had major butterflies in my stomach. Harris helped me out of the wagon and his dad pulled a ways-a-way to give us privacy. The conversation we had is private but the basics included that he promised to love me forever and asked if I would promise the same in return. I said "Yes!"

My ring is beautiful. It's his grandmother's engagement ring so it's very simple and I love it. Just one small diamond in a gold setting.

I can't tell you how different this feels from my first engagement. There's no way to compare the two. I wish my father and every other patriarchal, Gothard father could see how special and wonderful this was and how willing I was to say yes. I truly don't believe my father could've picked someone as right for me as Harris and I think it was the time we spent getting to know each other privately that makes this feel so right. It was the small arguments and how we learned to handle them and the shopping together and, yes, sleeping in the same bed on occasion that makes me so ready to promise myself to him. I can't wait to build a home and a life with this man.

Now to the questions I've received in e-mail and on facebook and other places-
Have you set a date?
Tentatively, yes. April or May of 2012. We haven't made any plans yet because the engagement just happened! :)

Have you told your parents?
Yes. I felt like I should and I needed to. I made the call home and my mom answered (THANK GOD!). She was really happy for me but that happiness was cut short by my father (as I expected). He wanted to make it clear to me that this wasn't a God sanctioned union and Harris hadn't asked his permission so blah, blah, blah. Harris won't be asking his permission. The funny thing was - I called using one of Harris' cousins' cell phones and they've been getting hang-up calls three times a day ever since. :/

Are you going to involve your family in the wedding?
I don't know, yet. If I thought that my dad could handle it, I might. I just don't think he can. I would love to have my siblings there but that gets complicated because for the younger ones it means having my dad there, too. I don't know right now. I would hope they could be there. We'll see.

Are you quitting school?
No! ?

Are you pregnant?
No! Again - ?

Thank you for the well wishes!

Whoa!

2011-04-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning to blog today -
Then, I received an e-mail that just had to be made public (he asked for it). I make it public if for no other reason than to show you just how the patriarchal mind thinks. The e-mail came to the e-mail address linked with this blog (easy to find) and I think you'll quickly decode who it was written by. This is a copy/paste. The only thing that has been changed are the names of my family and the person who wrote it (because that might lead to identifying me and cause harm for his wife and children).

Dear *Ruth,

I knew you would end up no good...washed up...blameing every body but your selve for your troubles in life...generaly being bitter about your life. I knew it then and I know it for sure now.
You lied about our courtship...only fair that you give me a voice to tell my story and if you do not I will sue you for slandering me.
Your daddy begged my father to present you to me. GODS honest truth. HE BEGGED... BEGGED becaused you are worthless and were worthless as a wife. It does not surprize me that you are unmarried still. You were ugly physically...refusing GODS promise for womanhood shows in your face now and then. I prayed and God told me that my father was right that I had to ask you for your hand because GOD promised it would show us who you really were. GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL...HE ALWAYS WILL KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. A rightous woman would honor her fathers choices for her...I confidantly knew you would reject me just cause your father wanted it for us so I had no worry in proposing marriage to you
TELL YOUR ADORRING READING PUBLIC THAT YOU MASTURBATED. You were unpure before GOD. Me and you kissing was nothing compared to what GOD had on your heart. You seemed to liked my kiss...saying blogging you didn't is like a WHORE saying she doesn't like sex. All for show...all for show.
Your daddy wanted you gone from that house for your influance on those kids in umbrella of rightous protection. Under the LORD OUR GOD you flaunted all the rewards of TRUE COURTLY LOVE...you deserved being kicked out. Pray... Tell your adorring readers that I offered you a home...a ring...a place in a faithful union called by GOD. I make $70,000 a year...you are a poor single WHORE. Education isn't smartness. A boyfriend isn't a husband...it is against GOD. Harris can't give you salvation only GOD CAN DO THAT. You said that I physically abused you...liar. Liar. LIES. I never pushed you...your word againso mine...and who will people believe a liar or a happily married man with a good living and no need to blog about the stupid problems I have. The day your dad called me to say you were leaving his protection I just had a relief brought by GOD...I was so glad I could get on with finding his real partner for me...which I did after one more just like you who sinned against me.
I have four children...what do you have...my GODLY BEAUTIFUL wife is expecting number five and we leave it to HIS WILL. You are a sorry excuse compared to my wife....she knows college meant nothing compared to TRUE WOMANHOOD. Being a TRUE WOMAN is accepting the roll GOD MADE YOU TO PERFORM. Don't you see that every peice of your life is falls apart on trial...I hope you do because I don't love you but I care for you in GODS way.
REPENT AND ASK FOR HIS FORGIVENESS RUTH. DO IT NOW! BRING YOUR SELF BEFORE HIM IN SWEET AGONY TO ASK FOR THE WAY BE SHOWN TO YOU. FERVENTLY PRAY FOR THE LIGHT OF GOD. JAMES 5:16. HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE YOUR FATHER ETERNAL AND YOUR FATHER TEMPORAL. You will never go anywhere before asking your fathers forgiveness.
Be truthful Ruth.
Aron

I know I'm recovering from my childhood when I can read this and laugh. With Harris by my side, I can see the desperation inherant in this diatribe. Here we see a man who has re-written history to portray himself as the hero. Such a Gothard trait! Where would we women be without the steadying hand of a man? :)

Sorry -

2011-03-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm doing well. Still recovering from the accident a few months ago. I took a break from blogging to concentrate on school and getting healthy. I took the paypal link down because some were talking about my not thanking them and I realized that they were absolutely right. I hadn't been keeping up with the thank yous like I once had and that meant I wasn't keeping up with the sort of person I want to be. Harris and I are well, as a couple. We're seeing where the road takes us.

Love to you all. I will try to blog more as school gets less crazy and I get my summer plans firmed up.

Pro-life/Pro-Choice

2011-02-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

The good news is: my brother managed to send me a few pictures from when I was little (Harris' mom wanted them for a project). The bad news is: they triggered a few memories that I would've rather forgotten.

Picture number one was of me sitting on the porch with my siblings. We're all dressed in our "best" and holding picket signs. My little sister is holding that famous "pro-life" sign showing the aborted fetus. At the time, I thought that that's what an aborted fetus looked like. Later, much much later, I heard that that picture was really an eighteen week fetus that had been miscarried. I know abortion is a touchy subject and the point of this blog isn't pro-life/pro-choice - what I'm really angered about is that at such a young age, my siblings and I were made to be show pieces for the "pro-life travelling show". We would get together with other families in the area and stand on corners holding up our signs. We only knew abortion from the twisted and really black-and-white lectures we were given. On FJ, someone said that she resented people who were like us (like I used to be) because it took the decision to talk about abortion with her children in her own time away from her and she's absolutely right. Not only is she right about her child, but she's right about the children participating in the protest. ATI/QF wants to talk about protecting children from the world and keeping their hearts innocent - and then they go and shove a three year old in front of traffic and shove a sign showing a botched abortion in their hand! For the record - I was told that abortions were the result of ONLY pre-marital, teen sex, OR affairs. Because, as it was explained to me, what women in her God designed relationship would even consider turning down that blessing? I was told that the women who had abortions WOULD get some sort of cancer (breast cancer, I think) or an STD. Still- mainly- we didn't even discuss it as much as we were shoved out there to protest something we couldn't possibly understand at such a young age.

Picture number two is me holding a baby (I think I know which one but it could be one of our guests' babies). I'm smiling - but I'm looking off to the left of camera and I'm holding the baby like it has a smelly diaper or it has a contagious disease. Yep, that was my childhood and my job- the baby holder. :/

Picture number three is my older brother's "graduation" from homeschool. It's probably one of the last pictures my family ever took of me in the house. What makes me choke up isn't the picture - it's the house and the people in it. I miss my siblings so much. I miss certain things about that house. But, the pow-pow stick (labeled "Discipline" with paint) gives me chills. That came along when I was a little older, so I didn't get it as much - but some of my sisters did. And there it is in the picture of my brother's graduation - lurking in the background. WTF?

That's it though. Those are the pictures my brother could get for me - an abortion rally, holding a stinky baby, and at a homeschool graduation with the threat of discipline hanging around. Yes. My life in pictures.

Then, I look around my room here and see the pictures I have tacked around. Harris and I at his parents this Christmas. Me and a hiking pal on top of a peak. Me with a friend swimming in a mountain creek. The boys from my nanny gig and I with paintball paint on us and another of us from a Chuck E Cheese photo booth. These are the pictures I should have from my childhood.

Again with the drama.

2011-01-25T15:56:00.000-08:00

I have written and re-written this post. At the end of all the re-writing, I've decided to go back to my original draft because -well - I guess there are things that need to be said and need to be aired.
This e-mail came in two days ago.
"Ruth" I don't know if you know but Vyckie has outed you and not in a good way. Your name is "XXXX XXXXXX". You grew up in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,XX. Your father is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. You need to know she is not a friendly. Vyckie is two-faced.
My first instinct was to e-mail Vyckie. After all, that's what I've done before when someone tried to stir up drama. I support the goal of NLQ and since Vyckie is the founder, I supported her. What stopped me this time was the fact that the name the e-mail contained is the name Vyckie, and only Vyckie, had been told and knew. The town mentioned was the town I grew up in.
So, as I see it now, there are two options. Either Vyckie has betrayed my confidence or someone from my family has found another ally to continue picking at the scab. Both options make me feel ill. Before I could make a decision about what to do and who to confront, I received another e-mail.
"Ruth, did you know Vyckie is telling people you received money at Christmas from the Tina Anderson Foundation? I donated to them specifically for you. Why didn't you make a post thanking them? You owe them publicity for their generosity."
This puzzled me further. FOR THE RECORD: I RECEIVED NOTHING FROM THIS FOUNDATION. Here is what I know. Before Christmas, during the time of my accident, an e-mail came in from Vyckie. I didn't see it right away because of the accident and other circumstances. The e-mail said:
Ruth, I hope you are feeling much better and recovering well from the accident. I received the following note from Jocelyn Zichterman:

"You seem to know Razin Ruth personally and it seems that on her blog she is trying to stay anonymous. So we are in a little predicament. We want to surprise her (Tina Anderson Foundation) with a money gift for Christmas. But in order to do that, since we are a non-profit, we have to document to the government who we gave the money to and why. I also need her address, to send this gift on to her.

Do you think you could have some preliminary conversation with her asap, and let her know that we would keep her identity 100% confidential---never to reveal it---but that we just need it for our private records. We'd LOVE to send her a little something and get it to her before Christmas. I plan to run out Monday morning to get the gift cards. If she has any specific needs too...just let me know. Hopefully you can fish for details without giving too much away:):)"

So now I'm wondering if you could be this person for us? Or do you know of anyone else who knows her?

Thanks so much! Just hoping to relieve some of her pressure over Christmas. Joc.:):)

You can respond to Jocelyn directly at: jocelyn*******@gmail.com

I didn't respond until AFTER Christmas. I wrote to Jocelyn and Vyckie and I never heard back from either of them. Also, to be clear, I said I was wary of giving away my identifying information, regardless. I found it odd that neither Jocelyn, nor Vyckie, responded to my response.

Now I get this e-mail saying people donated through this foundation because they thought they were helping me and I feel strangely. The foundation looks legit but I never received a return e-mail or a penny. If you donated, please contact me because I feel horrible that my name is being used in this manner. Hopefully, this is all one big misunderstanding and there's a logical explanation.

What I do know is that my family wouldn't have known about the e-mail from Vyckie regarding the Tina Anderson Foundation. I welcome someone who can give me a logical explanation of what is going on.

This feels like crap.
What is going on?
I don't know that either or both or neither of these people is doing anything wrong but something doesn't feel right. This is my plea to everyone involved to discuss this publicly so that there's no more "using" going on. If the emailer is using Vyckie or TAF to try to instigate drama, then they're awful and I'll feel awful for putting all of this out here but I don't see a way around it right now. Part of me starting this blog was to put the use or abuse of others in the light of day - either way, I'm being used and I hate it. Why continue the blog or the story if it's to be used?
I'm sorry to ramble and rant but I'm sick of it.

Life with the Turners

2011-01-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

I left the courts that day with the Kleins and Turners. The Turners were given a temporary guardianship of me. To clarify, because it seems like some people in comments might be thinking otherwise, I was not technically or legally emancipated, nor was I made a true ward of the court. The decision for me to go to the Turners was a compromise.

The terms were pretty simple. I would live with the Turners, but my parnets would have the ability to contact me 24/7 and make any major medical or educational decisions. In some ways, my parents didn't do themselves any favors by homeschooling me because homeschooling allowed me to "graduate" young. Had they waited to have me graduate, it's possible that I would've had to attend "class" with my mom for part of the day. As it was, I only spoke with them on the phone or had the occasional meal with a family member, with the Turners or Kleins present at all times. After a few weeks, my parents stopped calling. The communication stopped and I heard that they had started telling people that I left their umbrella of protection for the world.
More later.

49 Character Qualities of Ruth

2011-01-14T15:22:00.000-08:00

Ruth, when will you continue the story?
I've given it a great amount of thought and I'm not sure that there's much story left to tell. Once I left my parents house - my life was complicated to the extreme and became a day-to-day struggle (which it still is). I'm not sure anyone's interested in the events that took place after those court hearings. What I can do is answer more questions as you all ask them. So, here's the opening - what would you like to know?

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas blog friends!
I am slowly but surely getting back to everyday life. The leg is healing well and I hope to be starting limited physical therapy around the new year. I still have a cast on but they want me to start moving the toes and hip as much as I can.

Today was sedate but enjoyable. Harris and his family went to be with his grandparents and I felt like staying behind. Getting in and out of cars gets exhausting and road trips get a little sore. So here I am watching movies and reading.

School starts after the New Year and it looks like I'll be hobbling around campus for the second time in a year. FROWN The good news is that I don't have to drop the RA position. Really, the accident happened at a good time if you think of this in terms of school and work. I had the time to recover a little.

Harris' family has been wonderful. We had a lovely Christmas Eve and his mom gave me a pretty quilt. I had been telling her about this quilt my mom made me that I had to leave behind and she created a new one for me. It's nice to feel that motherly love again and - even if it makes me miss my own mom- I love having Harris' mom as a surrogate. I spent time making pommanders ( I think that's how it is spelled) with his mom and aunt. We had some nice chats and the house smelled like cloves for several days.

Thank you all for the Christmas wishes and get well wishes.

Accident, Thank You, Blogging

2010-12-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

I'd like to thank everyone who sent well wishes through facebook, this blog, NLQ, Harris, FJ, and other places. It was nice to listen to Harris read your e-mails and comments while I was in the hospital and recovering.

Today, I'm feeling better. I'm a little out of it because of the pain medication but in the bigger scheme of things, I'm happy to be alive. The details of the accident are fuzzy but bits of things come back at strange times. Harris covered it mostly. A few friends had gathered for a movie night. One of the girls needed a ride to her parents' house about forty minutes out of town so four of us decided to go - to give the driver company on the way home. We dropped our friend off and started back to town. Crossing over the interstate, on a bridge, another driver (was was getting off the interstate) didn't see us coming over the bridge and made a left across our lane. We hit her broadside. I was in the front seat and the biggest memory I have is something punching me in the face. It happened so fast. The next thing I remember is the pain of my leg and warmth running down my face. I'm not sure what cut my face. I don't think it was glass since the glass kind of beaded up into tiny pieces and didn't seem sharp. I think it may have been plastic from the door frame? The other people in the car were hurt also. Our good friend "Margie" has a broken femur and wrist (she was the driver). We two were kind of pinned in the front seat until the Fire Department got us out. The girl in the back was sore and bruised up but she's going to be fine. The person in the car we hit was pretty banged up and I haven't heard about their injuries.

I almost didn't want Harris to say anything on the blog and I considered not saying anything myself. I know this year has been an injury fest. I don't know what to say to those who will post here doubting this. I'm not asking for anything but prayers for Maggie.

Long e-mail list of questions

2010-11-25T17:07:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving was fantastic. As I sit here in the post-turkey glow, I'm reviewing my e-mail and see this "interview" in my inbox. It's strange because the e-mailer is no one I'm familiar with and it seems like someone reading this blog for a while might know most of the answers. However, since it came in under the subject heading of "Here are my questions", I guess I'll answer as many as I can.
Notquivering asked -
1. How old are you and how long have you been living away from your family?
I'm 26. I've been away from my family for about 8 years or so.
2. What were the circumstances of your departure?
As I've shared here in my story, I left because my father was telling me I had to marry a man who I did not want to marry. I also felt that I couldn't be the person I was required to be under the ATI/QF prescription for life.
3. Are you married? Did your parents approve of your marriage?
I am not married. My parents would not approve of my marriage to Harris if we did marry because he is not fundamentalist Christian.
4. Do you have any significant, unresolved conflicts with your parents? Are you on speaking terms?
We are no longer on speaking terms because my father doesn't want to discuss - he wants to talk AT ME, not with me. He is preventing any sort of discussion with my motehr as well. To say we have unresolved conflicts would be an understatement.
5. Do you have any children? If so, what are their ages?
I do not have children.
6. What kind of church did you attend growing up? Was your church part of a denomination? If so, which one?
I attended a home church. It probably most resembles Baptist teachings.
7. Would you say that your father was accountable to the authority of the local church?
My father WAS the authority. Unless you count self-accountability, then I would say not really. He was accountable, in some ways, to Bill Gothard and ATI, but that was more of a peer accountability and they seemed self-serving in purpose.
8. Was your family involved in the community life of your church?
These are strange questions for anyone who's followed my blog to ask. Are you sure these questions are directed to me out of genuine curiosity? I don't think our "church" fits your idea of "church". Can you give me an idea of why you asked this?
9. Would you say your mother or your father was the stronger leader in your home?
It depends on what you mean by leader. My father was the dictator. My mother "led" us children in how to be obedient and submissive.
10. How many children were in your family? What number are you in age order?
I am the oldest daughter. I am the fourth born of eleven, counting my littlest sister who will be one very soon.
11. Were you and your siblings required to help with chores? How do you feel this helped or harmed your work ethic?
Yes. Chores were required. I believe this helped me form a good work ethic and helped me appreciate the value of a dollar more but I have a problem with the age and manner of chores I was expected to do.
12. Would you say that either of your parents was abusive? If so, how?
My father was abusive; spiritually, mentally, and physically. My mother was, in my opinion, abused. Spare the rod spoil the child is a biblical principal that my parents enforced.
13. In what ways did your parents show you affection?
My father didn't. My mother was very affectionate when she was allowed to be.
14. When you were upset, how did you share your feelings with your parents?
Being upset simply wasn't tolerated. If I was upset, I was expected to put forth a strong, content countenance and pray to find a more obedient, accepting spirit.
15. In what ways (if any) do you disagree theologically with your parents? When did this begin?
This is a question I'm not prepared to answer. I'm unsure.
16. In what ways (if any) did you disagree with the lifestyle your parents lived? When did this begin?
From pretty early on, I can remember thinking that there was a general disparity between the way my dad treated my mom and my sisters and the way that we were told we should be treated. My parents lifestyle choices (lots of children, Christian beliefs, and patriarchy) would be fine if there was a partnership and those decisions were mutually agreed upon. If people sincerely enjoy that lifestyle and find peace, then that's their choice. I don't believe it's the only path for everyone and I think it's an easily abused system.
17. Did you have a mentor or friend who helped you find a new place to live?
I had two people who stepped up to help me with the basics.
18. What type of church do you now attend? How is it different from the church you attended with your family?
Is that really any of your business? I am following my own path, spiritually, for the moment.
19. Are you under any sort of official church discipline?
I don't believe so.
20. In your mind, what would it take to reconcile with your parents?
For my parents to accept that I am an individual with different, but not lesser, values. For my parents to love me unconditionally and to see the beauty in all of us as individuals. For my dad to apologize for trying to force me into a marriage I wasn't ready for. It would also take some forgiveness on my part.
21. What are you willing to do to reconcile with your parents?
That's something my therapist and I are discussing and I don't feel like sharing at present. I need to be willing to forgive.
22. Did your family have close friendships outside of the family?
Yes.
23. Did you parents/church teach you that salvation is in faith in Christ alone?
Yes and no.
24. Did your family laugh and enjoy being together?
On occasion.
25. Have you ever read Quivering Daughters? If so, what did you think of it?
THIS tells me you're not the reader of my blog that you claim to be. What do I think of QD? I think every journey is different. I think QD is a great place for people to see the less shiny-happy sides of the way ATI/QF/Patriarchy is presented by shows like 19 Kids and Counting. I think it's not my position to judge the stories of the individuals on that site, but to take them for what they are - a PERSON'S attempt to make sense of their life.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

Erin said...
What was Thanksgiving like in your family growing up? What traditions will you be making/using in your Thanksgiving this year?

Growing up, Thanksgiving was a decent holiday. :) My dad and my brothers would usually go hunting at some point in the fall and try to get us a turkey or elk (or both). We also always had turkey in the freezer as it was sort of the go-to-freezer meat of Quiverfull families (and still is to this day). You can buy them extremely cheap right after major holidays and we did. In any case, we girls would spend the two days leading up to Thanksgiving rolling out pie dough, getting roll dough ready, and generally destroying the kitchen with our preparations. Even though it was a lot of work, it was some of the best times I've spent with my mom and sisters. Even the little girls were put to work opening cans of ingredients or measuring stuff for us to cook. My mom made a great stuffing that I miss even now. I'm going to try to recreate it this year for Harris' family. After we ate, we cleaned up while the men gathered to listen to a sermon on tape. Then they'd go out and play on the quads or do whatever it is guys do outside. Other than the big dinner, it was a normal day, but it was the one day my dad would say, just to us, that he was thankful for us. Normally, we were his public blessing and what felt like his private burden. But on Thanksgiving he managed to sound sincere in private.

Thanksgiving, more than Christmas, was a happy holiday in my house because it wasn't a political thing. Christmas always became a quest for my father to show the world how much holier we were by not losing site of the "Christ" in Christmas. That whole deal trumped our excitement and happiness. I'll write more about that after Thanksgiving because to be frank, I don't want to be bummed out right before what could be a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Last year, I felt alone and melancholy. This year, I'm really excited about going to see Harris' family and being part of ANY family again.

E-mail Questions

2010-11-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Kerry Ann asked - Do you think the people still in ATI know who you are?

I think some of them definitely do! I've received e-mails and, at one point, got a psuedo-attorney telling me that I was violating copyright by posting Gothard's 49 Character Traits. I have heard through others that this blog, along with NLQ and FreeJinger, are "non-faith promoting" and have been blocked with this software that a few QF/ATI families use. My identity may elude most ATI families because I really doubt my parents or the people who DO know who I am are thrilled with the prospect of giving me any attention whatsoever. I'm more like that ugly sweater you shove in the back of the closet and hope no one inquires about.

Kerry Ann also asked - Do you think you're just with Harris because he's the first guy to show an interest?
I'm not sure how to take this question. He's not the first guy "to show interest". He *is* the first man I've felt entirely comfortable with and maybe that's what you mean? I used to wonder if that was wrong- me entering a long term relationship with the first guy I felt I could trust entirely and was able to be myself with - but then I realized that most people do that. We just happen to have lasted longer than most "first real boyfriends" maybe do. :)

Michael asked - What is your major? Well, I'm shooting for library sciences. I'll have to go to a different school to finish out the master's portion. What's your GPA like because you should look at scholarships to help ease your burden. After replacing an incomplete from last quarter (when I broke my leg), I now have a 3.8 or thereabouts. That may change next quarter when I have two science labs. *sigh* I actually am working on loans for completing my education. It's time. I've been skittish about loans because of the lessons I was taught (which are based in sound financial teachings, in my opinion) but now I am realizing that in today's world, it's almost impossible to get by without them in some form.

Where have you been?

2010-11-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

Yes. There was a post here that is not here now. I meant to put it in comments and so I corrected that.

Cindy asked -Where have you been, Ruth?
I've been studying for finals and writing papers and jumping through hoops for financial aid and praying for my brother and spending time with Harris and working and - yeah. I learned the lesson a while ago about putting concerning things on my blog but concerning things have been all that are on my mind lately. I apologize for the blog silence.

In the "sex" post, Shoshanah came around and started quite a debate. She sent me a very long e-mail explaining more of her position and I asked for her permission to post it here. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to remain private or not by the information given. She responded today saying that I could post it so long as I posted it in context. To do that, I should probably post it in it's entirety.
I will try to address mostly Ruth's comments about my own. My last two comments were not directed at Ruth, but rather at other people. So of course, I do not think Ruth hates me or the things I have said.
Ruth, since I am a Christian who believes God's Word, anything I say will hopefully reflect that. Because I believe God's Word to be 100% true, I believe that anytime His laws are broken we harm ourselves and need to be restored back to Him. I am a sinner and no better than a murderer or a thief because I have broken God's laws. The good news is that I have been restored to Him because of what He has done for me. He freely forgives me and FORGETS what I have done, even when I do not. He loves us and finds beauty in me and you, even when we can't see it ourselves.
I have no authority over you and am puzzled as to why you would think I had such an idea. Nor do I want authority over you. You are an adult and have the freedom to make your own decisions. I will try to answer your questions.
You said: "How can you teach your daughters about purity in relationships and then stay out of it?" I taught them about purity when they were young. The two oldest are adults (19 and 21) now and already know what we believe about purity. Unless they seek our guidance, it's too late to try to influence them. They are adults who need to sink or swim. If they need a little lift from me, they can always ask. I have no desire to pry into their relationships (that would certainly set a bad precedence as a mother-in-law someday, now wouldn't it?) I trust their good judgement. I only know what I know because they have voluntarily shared things with me about their boyfriends. I know that they hug and hold hands and that's it. I have a great relationship with the two oldest, especially the younger one who has been dating her boyfriend since she was 16. She met him at a Christian high school where she was asked to help produce the play she had written. He spends a lot of time with our family and seems to enjoy us because his parents do not spend much time with him. My oldest daughter's boyfriend is a student here from Brazil. We like him very much and have met his parents. If they marry someday, I think they will move to Brazil when both are finished with college. The younger kids love the boyfriends. I do not know if it will be this good with all of my children. Some of our adopted children have emotional problems from the abuse and neglect they suffered before we adopted them. They are doing very well now and I hope will continue to be close to us. I make mistakes but can only do my best with God's help in the short time we have to raise them. By the way, we teach the same beliefs about purity to our sons. Their responsibility is the same.
We are not Gothard, or Doug Phillips followers and never have been. We want to follow Christ alone. We do know and admire the faith of other Christians and at times ask advice or read their books. I like some of the things Doug Philips says, but I threw away the series of Elsie Dinsmore books I had bought from Vision Forum for two reasons: They were unrealistic, especially in how artificial Elsie was, and slavery was not addressed as an evil. We have adopted black children, among others and I was ashamed of how the book portrayed a white, Christian girl.
Ruth said, "I don't respect myself any less for having a serious relationship without the promise of marriage." There is nothing wrong with having a serious relationship without the promise of marriage. It is even desirable. Relationships need to end when a couple finds they do not belong together, even though their intentions were serious to begin with. The usual dating experiences are far less than satisfying, I know because I've done this. You find someone. You may or may not be physically intimate. One may be more serious about it than the other. Then you break up and start all over again. Sometimes it has to happen this way, but it all depends on whether you are working towards marriage or just playing around with someone. It's artificial, not like marriage. Most people just play around for years, making up and breaking up. The physical aspect is important, but so is the spiritual/emotional aspect. To continually begin and end relationships with the opposite sex does not prepare a person for marriage, it keeps people from growing up and taking responsibility in a committed relationship. There is more heartbreak when a person has had sex with someone, along with the emotional closeness they have felt when the other one doesn't want to see them anymore. Why put yourself through it? If you date someone, and learn to have a mutual love and respect, why wouldn't sex work out in the marriage? My daughters do not seem afraid to talk about being married and having sex. They have happy, healthy relationships now and a happy sex life should reasonably follow.
God's plan for waiting until marriage for sex is a good one for many reasons, both emotional and physical. Venereal diseases, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, etc. I knew girls long ago in college who would brag in minute detail about their latest sexual conquests. They often had venereal diseases or got pregnant. One girl I knew, who was a medical student, got pregnant near finals time. Her abortion at the university clinic did not go well. She ended up with a bad infection from retained "products of conception". (and a badly broken heart, by the way as he abandoned her) Was it worth it? Birth control does sometimes fail. Hers did. I also worked on an inner city gynecology floor as a new nurse. I sure got my eyes opened. Pelvic inflammatory disease, tubal pregnancy and VD were very common. Some of my patients were as young as 14. Premature babies are the norm for young teenage mothers. I also worked in a neonatal ICU and had to teach young teens how to take care of their very sick babies. Having sex before marriage degrades what is supposed to be shared only by people who have made a very important commitment to one another. It makes sex less special. It also contributes to infidelity after marriage. I know some of you won't agree with me about that one, but I know it's true. After all, what's the big deal? However, if you have had sex before marriage, it's never too late to confess it to God and ask Him to forgive you. HE will help you move on with your life and seek healthier relationships.
Ruth: "Your comment pisses me off"...referring to me being sad about you throwing out everything having to do with Christian faith. You are 100% right to be mad and I am sorry. I had no right to make such broad assumptions. Is it safe to say that you have been put in a position of questioning all that you were taught? I think your parents refer to themselves as Christians and presented the Gospel to you, took you to church. It seems that they were very abusive, especially your father. Without going into detail right now, I was abused as well. Definitely physically and somewhat emotionally, as a child. I can understand a lot of what you are dealing with. I have feared that you would eventually reject Christ, Who is a far better father to us than even good earthly ones. I had no right to assume that you had rejected everything having to do with Christian faith.
I was also taught purity, but in a very Catholic home. While I did not actually have sex before marriage, I tried everything but intercourse with the man I was engaged to. After 5 years, he changed his mind about marrying me (he has never married) and I was left with a broken engagement and heart. It was still wrong. I have asked forgiveness and been healed from that sin. My husband had no experience sexually at all. He didn't care much about my past. All is well and we have had a great sex life from the beginning.
Ruth said "This world you seem to feel would pull me away from Christ has done more to show me love than my parents did..." You and I are not talking about the same "world". There is nothing wrong with getting an education, especially if it will equip you to be useful and glorify God. Woman can succeed in many professions. I loved being a nurse. Medical people serve others, as well as scientists, restaurant owners and other business people. All of these professions take getting an education to be successful. We want our daughters to be as knowledgeable about the world and God's creation as possible. For some of our children that means college, and for others it doesn't. By the way, a person's education should not end with high school or college. A person should try to be as knowledgeable as he or she can be for the rest of their lives, always reading, always trying to learn more. Our two oldest daughters are at the university here where we live. A person can live in the world, but not be of the world. That means, they try to live the life that God calls them to and to be a good example to others. They try not to become like those around them, who may think nothing of lying, cheating, stealing, getting drunk or whatever is sinful. That is hard to do. I know, I lived in a college dormitory for four years. Sometimes, Christians are not as friendly or loving as other people, that's true, but it is not how God wants it to be. They will answer to God, we can only be responsible for ourselves. The world rejected Christ and still rejects His teachings. It is hard to be a Christian, especially today if person wants to be serious about being a follower of Christ. We are changed by knowing God, or at least, trying to know Him.
Ruth, there is NOTHING you can do to make God love you more, and there is NOTHING you can do to make God love you less. He loves you with a huge, everlasting love. He would not love you less if you had unmarried sex. He would not love you less if you murdered 100 people. You would be separated from Him by your sin and would need to confess them before God and ask Him to help you. Sin hurts us, and God knows that. It isn't simply that it makes Him angry, He is slow to anger. He also says, "Come to Me, all her are heavy laden, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." As I said above, when we confess our sins to Him with true repentance, he forgives and forgets them. He wants the best for you. always.
Ruth said, "If a child daydreams about the boy next door, I don't think they are going to Hell." Children do sometimes dream about the opposite sex. It is natural, even good. What do you mean?
As far as giving a piece of your heart away when you are dating or being physical with the opposite sex, that is a poor analogy. You do have emotional attachments that are sometimes not easily broken. If you have sex before marriage, that emotional attachment will be stronger in most people. Let's face it, it is common to bring extra "baggage" into our next relationship. I've been there, done that. Why put yourself through it? Why not be more careful about whom you date? Why not wait until marriage for sex? I have to admit, the comment about needing to try out for size before getting married made me laugh. How ridiculous. And now, if someone lives with the person they are dating, they are "my partner"? It sounds like a business relationship. Talk about taking all of the beauty out of love. Some questions that you should ask yourself when dating: Are they becoming serious about you at some point in the relationship? (not someday or 2 years from now, for example) Do they love and respect you or are they just having some fun with you for awhile until someone else comes along? This goes both ways. Men's hearts get broken, too. I think dynamite is less dangerous than dating games.
I probably haven't answered all of the points. I am pretty busy and have a sick toddler. If I have missed anything please let me know. I hope what I have written is helpful, even if you disagree with me. I would have liked to address some of the commenters, but am hoping this letter makes things more clear. If you would like to address what I have written you are welcome to.

God bless you, Shoshannah

Since she took the time to write it, I thought it deserved a post. She couldn't put it in comments because of the length. I've been repsonding as time allows. I'll put my responses up if anyone is interested.

Happy Post

2010-10-31T19:57:00.001-07:00

Harris and I dressed up as Jesse and Woody, from Toy Story, for a Halloween party tonight. It's the first time I've ever been to one. :) I danced to FloRida and, shocking!, had my first drink. I'm going straigh to hell, I'm sure.

Sexuality

2010-10-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

(Tap...tap...tap...on the desk.)
The "blogshpere" is an interesting world. Don't misunderstand: I like it - that doesn't change the fact that it's an interesting place with strange, unwritten taboos and rules and whatnot.

I said I wasn't going to talk about my sex life. I meant it. Then, I read the comments on my last post and I started thinking - me not talking about sex is exactly one of my hang-ups that I need to just get over. I keep it "private" because I'm afraid of it. So let me address the question(s) and innuendos from a certain commenter.

Shoshannah said...
I am a conservative Christian who is old fashioned. My husband is very respectful and loving towards me. He is the leader in our home, but would never make a decision without my input. He very much cares about what I think and is a very loving father.
Hi, Shoshannah. I am "Ruth". I'm going to assume that everything you say about your husband is true and I want to congratulate you on finding such a wonderful husband. A lot of people are never as lucky as you. With all due respect, however, conserative Christianity is different than QF/ATI/fundamental patriarchy and the power structure created within. You probably do have a very loving, considerate husband and a blessed marriage. Regardless, none of that gives you any sort of authority over me, nor does it give you the right to assume certain things about me.

We are teaching our daughters about purity in relationships (and no, we do believe in arranging marriages or being too involved with themselves and their boyfriends).
I would love for you to comment some more about this. How do you do this? How can you teach your daughters about purity in relationships and then claim that you're staying out of it? I'm not doubting that it can be done - I'm just curious how this works.
We want our daughters to respect themselves and their bodies and not freely give their bodies and hearts to men who are not serious enough to be married first.
Here's where I have questions and a small problem with the wording of this. You say "we want our daughters to respect themselves" and that's fantastic. I grew up hearing this speech day-in-and-day-out. The thing is: I don't respect myself any less for having a serious relationship without thhe promise of a marriage at the end and I'm sure many women feel the same. You're, maybe without realizing it, teaching your child that her self-worth and self-respect lies, in at least some large part, between her legs. And, that by some logic, if she allows a boy to breach that barrier or even kiss her seriously (I'm assuming because you speak of purity in the relationship, not just saving herself for marriage), she's somewhat "less" or she's letting you, her community, and God "down". Why is that such a noble thing? Are you aware of the other messages your unintentionally, probably sending her? Are you aware that quite a number of girls in these situations end up terrified of sex or end up breaking their purity bonds anyway? Are you aware of the guilt that follows them for the rest of their lives if they can't live up to the expectation of perfect purity? I'm not advocating that you say nothing and let your daughters have pre-marital sex in the family room or anything, but just how seriously do you take this and how do you define sexual purity?
It makes me sad that you seem to be throwing out everything having to do with Christian faith.
This, to be quite frank, pisses me off! I never swear in this blog, so maybe this will show you the depth to which your statement angers me. You drop this bomb in comments and then you wonder why you received such a poor reaction from the readers of this blog. Do you really think this sort of accusation is even fair, let alone Christian? If you truly think this, then isn't it your duty to approach me privately and make inquiries? I have an e-mail that's very easily found on this blog.

You may not realize it, but your wording is very condescending. You say "It makes me sad...". Why? Why are you sad? You don't know which values I've kept and which I've rejected. What have I said, specifically, that makes you the authority on what I've thrown out?
"Your parents made some very serious mistakes, especially your abusive father, but not absolutely everything they taught you was wrong.
I've never, EVER said that everything I was taught was wrong. However, you don't konw what it is that I was taught. So for you to stand here and say that I should respect and uphold the broader message, without knowing first hand what that broader message was, is foolish. What if my parents had told me that any Christian mother who spends time on the internet is putting Satan's interests before her own daughters' interest? What if I told you that my parents taught me that no true Christian would send their child to a public school? My point is this: I've been very fair in saying that my parents did teach me some useful and valuable lessons. I appreciate those lessons and wouldn't say otherwise. You, though, unless you lay it all out there, can't say that you know me well enough to know that I'm throwing it all away.
Please don't let the world pull you completely from Christ and His offer of salvation to those who will follow His humble example.
Love in Christ
This "world" that you seem to feel would pull me away from Christ has done more to show me love than my parents did. This "world" is giving me an education and independence. This "world" is showing me that there's more than one path to happiness and God than could be found in the cookie-cutter, garden variety hatred that I learned at my father's knee.

To answer the unanswered question that I imagined was personal - I am, technically, a virgin. Like I've said, I have hang-ups. But, I see no spiritual degredation that comes from holding Harris' hand during a movie or kissing him. If I chose to go to his home unaccompanied, I don't think that makes me a slut. We're having responsible fun and we're getting to know each other in a way that will make "going all the way" even more pleasurable. If I chose to have sex with him before marriage, I don't believe that would make God love me even less or make my future husband value me less. If it does, then that's not the right husband for me. I think Harris will be my husband - I'm almost sure of it. Anything can happen, so I won't guarantee it, but the fact that he's kissed other girls doesn't make him any less attractive and wonderful to me. I don't feel like his heart is broken up into pieces or that he's giving me less of his heart. That's ridiculous, honestly. We're both adults.

Being chaste and having virtues is a fantastic choice for children, and for adults if that's what they choose to do, but physical intimacy isn't evil. I do realize that relationships take focus and time away from other, maybe, more important things (especially for a child). I don't think it's wise for children to focus more on the boy next door than their education, for example. But, if they daydream about kissing the boy next door during biology, I don't think they're going to hell. If they hold his hands in the bleachers and snuggle under a blanket during the football game, I don't think they're giving away pieces of anything that belongs to their future husband. I think a girl's heart is hers. As her parent, while she's a child, you have a right to keep her safe and teach her what you will. It's your choice. Just be careful.

Ask and you shall receive.

2010-10-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

My friend Cynthia said - Hope school is going well. I'd love an RA and a Harris update. I'll put something in the tip jar shortly just to piss off readers like feltspirit. I proudly support smart women getting an education.

The RA job is going well. I am working out the kinks as I go along. My residents seem to be learning the difference between a personal emergency and an "OMG! Involve the RA emergency.", so that's fantastic. :) It was a good job for me to take for a few purely selfish reasons. #1: It has forced me to be very social -something I didn't do last year because I was so afraid of my own personality. Now I have to be visible. I've made friends I probably wouldn't have made without the RA position. #2: It's showing me that I can be nurturing without becoming a doormat. I'm learning to set limits ~ a skill set I didn't have.

Harris and I are enjoying each other and enjoying our relationship. We are having an issue with my purity hang-ups but we work through them as they arise and Harris is being very patient and understanding. I want to keep that stuff private and I hope you all understand. Other than that, we're moving along. I imagine I could spend the rest of my life with him and be very happy. He's a good man. We love doing things together but we also enjoy allowing the other time to be with friends and pursue the things we maybe don't enjoy doing together. One example: Harris loves the outdoors and he likes to hike, but he's not into exploring a new trail in the same way I am. So, I've gone back to hiking solo on occasion. While I'm hiking, he's out with friends on the lake (something I could take or leave). Fishing doesn't excite me.

I'm going to his family's house for Thanksgiving.

Many people asked - Will you continue to post your story at NLQ?
That's really Vyckie's decision. I would hope she would continue to post it. But, I don't have control over when the stories make it up over there. I don't think any of the contributors do. Usually, Vyckie receives the stories via e-mail or copies/pastes them from the writer's blog. I haven't spoken with Vyckie (my fault) in several days so I'm not sure if there's something I don't know about or if this is still fall out from the Angel/Vyckie problem. Why are so many people asking this question?

Jennifer L asked - Why don't you ever post pictures? I could believe your story better if there was some evidence to support what you're saying.

I understand your skepticism. Pictures, in my opinion, wouldn't prove anything. I won't put up pictures of my childhood because it would out me and my family. My siblings didn't ask me to write this blog and I won't sacrifice their privacy to gain someone's approval. Unfortunately, my parents never took individual pictures of us as a regular practice. When we had pictures taken, it was a group shot. Also, I didn't leave home with a photo album. Any pictures that do exist of me in the QF-way are in my parent's home. I'm not likely going to call and ask them to mail me a few. Current pictures are another story. I have considered spicing up the posts with pics of my current life - not necessarily my face. Then I realized how quickly that would lead to people figuring out where I am and then who I am and that could lead to the disclosure of facts I've been wanting to keep secure. You just never know. The final reason I don't post pictures is because, beyond my story, I still wonder why so many people care about my life. :) LOL I don't say that to be mean or imply that I don't appreciate the concerns...I'm just a boring person who struggles with self-esteem. Do you really want to see pictures of my breakfast or of my dorm room?

Ambivalent Ego said - Hey Ruth, I was wondering how your brother was doing? The one who has kinda posted here before, answered some questions?He has been on my mind lately. I hope all is well with him. :-)
Your question is freaking me out a little because he's not doing so well. Do you know us?

In HIS perfect LOVE.

2010-10-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Feltspirit@xxxxx.com asked - As a daughter of patriarchy I feel that you are misrepresenting what patriarchy is supposed to be. Why can't you do a post about what the real goals of patriarchy are? That is my first questions and my second question is can you really say you are a good person with all the commandments you break daily? Third question is how can you say you are an adult when you live off solicitations gained from a computer and do not work for yourself? It seems like God's plan for your life would have been better for you after all. In His perfect Love. A Titus2 Woman.

What are the real goals of patriarchy? You tell me. From my upbringing, patriarchy meant the man is the absolute head of the house and females were inferior. The "real goal", as far as I could see, was for men to be controlling, superior, ultimate decision makers using God's authority as a convenient means to their first position end. You're probably saying, "Ruth, what about all of their duties as patriarchs?" What duties? To provide for their family? Does providing end at getting a job because from what I've seen of patriarchy, it ends with the paycheck. You don't have to be a Christian fundamentalist to get a job and 'provide'. Is it to "protect"? I know many men who don't need patriarchy to protect their spouses and children from abuses. I know many patriarchists who USE PATRIARCHY to perpetuate abuse. I know many patriarchal fathers who use the "protect" duty to shelter and over-protect their children to the point that it's no longer quaint or honorable. Is the "real duty" to keep the family holy and on-point spiritually? If that's the duty, then aren't women being undersold as mothers?

(Disclaimer: I'm sure there are patriarchal families who enter into the system wanting to do the right thing and I know there are fathers who truly do only want what is safest and best for their families. I allow for the possibility that maybe there are families out there who've found the balance. I can only speak for what I saw growing up.)

Your second question was about how many commandments I break. Let's first ask which decalogue we should use? Exodus or Deuteronomy? Let's use the one you use.
1. You shall have no other gods before me. - Not broken. Bill Gothard is not a God. Patriarchy is not a God. ATI/IBLP is not a God.
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol. - Not broken. Can you say the same? Have you honestly not made idols out of the Pearls and the Gothards of the patriarchal world? When you shell out hundreds of dollars a year to these men who can "show you the way", are you not questioning God's ability to show you the way? Are you putting your faith in God to make you whole or are you hedging your bets by paying your way to being a better Christian?
3. Do not take the name of the Lord in vain. - Not broken.
4. Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. - Not broken. I spend a great deal of each day thinking of spiritual things and living honorably. Why limit it to Sunday.
5. Honor your father and mother. - This is the one you were waiting for, isn't it? I think this all depends on how you define "honor". I think this one is "not broken". I *have* spoke about my father and mother in less than perfect light. I have still honored their privacy. I still honor the fact that they are my parents. Honoring someone doesn't mean looking past their faults or never speaking the truth.
6. Thou shalt not murder. - Not broken.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. - Not broken.
8. Thou shalt not steal. - Not broken.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. - Not broken.
10. Thou shalt not covet that which belongs to your neighbor. - Maybe broken. What can I say? I'm honest. I see quite a few things I'd like around town.

Here's the question I have for you. So what? Who cares if I broke a commandment!? Shouldn't that be between me and my God? How are you doing with this list and what does it have to do with my leaving patriarchy behind? Are you doing so much better than me IN patriarchy?

How can I say I am an adult? How can you say you are? You're likely above the age of majority and still living at home, living off your parents income. You're admiittedly living under patriarchy which means you have to be 18 to be reading my blog and surfing the net on your own - daddy and mommy wouldn't have let you feel out "the world" without first knowing you would respond as you have. Do you have a job? Do you go to school? Are you providing for yourself? Will you ever? Or, will you live off of daddy until a suitable husband is found to provide for you? How is the "transfer of authority" going to magically make you an adult? I am working. I do get "tips" for my story. I go without because I choose to go without rather than accept a life of servitude, while "having my needs met", with a husband. When I do marry- I fully intend to keep working. How is your "plan" any more "adult" than my own?

Speaking of God's plan - I think I am living it. Are you suggesting that God couldn't keep me in line with His own plan?

49 Character Qualities of Ruth - The Decision

2010-10-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

As we stood outside the courtroom, it was clear where the lines were drawn. The divide in the room was less physical, as the space was small, but it was a mental and emotional chasm as large as the Grand Canyon. My attorney had told me to be prepared for an emotional outburst from my mother. My attorney warned me that my father might become overly warm and try to entice me to "drop this whole charade". About my father, she was correct. As soon as we crossed the threshold from hallway to courtroom, my father turned on the charm and charisma. He held the door for me and as I passed, the jerk actually smiled. We took seats in the small gallery and by virtue of it's lack of chairs, my father stood behind me. When my attorney went to the counsellor's table behind the gate, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and patted it reassuringly. The judge, hearing another case, looked up just as my father did this and I thought, surely, my case was sunk. Here was this girl trying to run away from such a loving, concerned father, right? No judge would see through his gesture to the controlling message the gesture betrayed. No judge would see his smile for the manipulation it was, right? I had been trained by years of brainwashing to believe that the world would always see my father as a righteous man.

My attorney returned to the gallery area and softly confronted my father. Asking him to take his hands off me and step away. He acted hurt, but obeyed. My mother sat staring straight ahead this entire time. She didn't look at me. My heart ached for her and my resolve started to dip. I knew that by continuing this, I was putting her in harms way. I knew she couldn't look at me because of his orders.

The court officer called my case. For the huge change it was about to have on my life, for what was at stake, it was a short exchange. The judge said he'd read my plea and needed some clarification, but he was concerned about putting me on the stand. My father's attorney kept saying that there was no case because there was no abuse and that I was, simply, an "ungrateful runaway" and "a teenaged girl who dramatized a good situation". Ultimately, the judge asked if it was possible for me to speak with a court appointed mediator that day and we recessed while the attorneys and court officers worked to see if that was possible. It was. An hour later, after the Klein's and my brother's friends gave me pep talks and a snack outside, a frazzled woman arrived at court. We went back into the court room and the judge ordered me to go to chambers and speak with this lady alone- no council present.

She was very kind. Years later, I saw a kids television show called the Magic School Bus and Miss Frizzle reminded me of this mediator. She asked me why I had ran from home that night and made me replay the decision outloud. She asked about Adam and about my religion and the way I had been raised. She asked about my fear of my father and why I didn't want to go home. Then she asked what my plans were. I couldn't answer her. I didn't know what my plan was. Honestly, beyond getting out of that relationship with Adam and getting away from a forced marriage, I didn't have one. I told her I didn't know what I was doing. She told me that that wasn't good enough and I realized she was right. She said she was going to give me a moment and ask me again what my plan was. I didn't know what to say. My mind raced and I thought this was the end- I would be sent home. She asked me what my plan was - I blurted out "I want to go to real school and I want to find out what my plan is without being told what my plan is." She smiled and said, "good girl." With that, we went back to the courtroom. The judge asked her to meet with my parents next. A while later, we went into the room with her together. It was just her, my parents, and I. No lawyers. This was the first time I'd sat across a table from my parents, without the Kleins or a cop, since I left and it was scary. My father was still playing nice but I could tell he was angry under the surface smile. The mediator asked if we could work it out...if there was any way I would go home. I couldn't speak. I felt like my dad would reach across the table the moment I said anything. She asked again. I shook my head no. My mother started crying. I reached for her and my dad slapped my hand down against the table. "You have caused your mother enough harm, Ruth. Won't you be a good girl and come home. Spare her this hurt." I almost bought it. I can't say what it was that made me realize I needed to leave, but something happened that told me it was okay to leave. I had to leave. I told my mom I had to go and I knew she would understand why. The mediator was glaring at my father. In his effort to appear protective of my mother, he had just slapped my hands away from her in front of a court appointed mediator! He had just validated the things I had said- he was controlling and manipulative and, if even on a small level, abusive. She asked my father to keep his hands to himself and quickly asked him what he was willing to do to get me home. My father said, I'm sure thinking that it would make him look like some great authority figure, that I would have to do "what God requires of a child- to obey and respect her parents." The mediator asked him if any harm would come to me by returning home and he said, "Not at my hands.", smugly.

We returned to the courtroom. I was terrified. While, in hindsight now, I can see that my father wasn't winning at this point,- at the time- I didn't see it. I was sure he would send me home. The Klein's, unbeknownst to me at this point, had friends who were foster parents in the system and they know sat in the courtroom. The mediator was put on the stand and she gave her opinion. She stated that she believed I was mature enough to make the decision to leave and that I couldn't go home. She relayed the words my father had said - "not at my hands" and said she worried about the semantics of the answer. My dad's attorney was pouncing on her, left and right, with objections to statements and interjecting comments - to the point where the judge got annoyed. He shut the attorney down and said he needed to hear from the mediator without interuption.

To make a very long story short, the case was adjourned until the next day. The next day, only my father came to court with his attorney and my father shocked everyone by saying he would drop his argument. He would let me go. The judge said he couldn't let my father abdicate his parental rights so easily but that we could figure something out. The rest of the day was spent figuring it out. I was a minor, but only for a few more months. Emancipating me would take longer than it would for me to turn 18. Putting me in foster care would mean, if I understood it correctly, having my father and mother deemed unfit. My parents wouldn't have gone for that. In the end, guardianship of me was award to the Turners (friends of the Klein's) until my eighteenth birthday, with my parents still retaining legal rights to me as a child. It was a "mutual agreement", in the end.

I like to think that my father finally realized I needed to be set free. The reality is that I know that wasn't it. I don't know why he dropped the case and let me go. In the end, I don't think it matters. I was set free and I was terrified, but I had hope. The next step was "the plan". What was my plan? MY plan for MY life.

October Questions

2010-10-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

Mandy Sue asked...Do you still go to church? Do you wear pants now? I guess I want to know is how far from your upbringing are you now? Did you realize that your parents were wrong so you just stepped away or did you go crazy and do things you never thought you would do like drink alcohol?
I'm not sure how long Mandy Sue has been reading, so I'm going to answer this again. In the future, though, I need to figure out some way to catalogue posts into groups so people can go back and see what has already been answered in these Q&A type posts. :) Anyone who can suggest how to do that would be a welcome commenter (although, anyone is always welcome).

Do I still go to church? We never really *went* to church in the first place - church was almost always in our home or in the home of someone we considered to be part of our "home church". In the Bible, it says that wherever a likeminded group gathers to worship, then God is present and that is "church". Alot of the ATI crowd keeps to that belief. I guess you could say - then- that I worship in the same way I always have - in my home, privately. I tried going to different churches after leaving my old life behind and, whether it was because I wanted to see it or because it really was there, I saw old vestiges of patriarchy and arbitrary rules in every church I went to. Nothing fit and to this day nothing really fits with the thoughts about God that I have. As a result, I choose to stay on my own until I figure out what it is that I'm looking for. I have too many questions about organized religion, and even - at some moments- God himself, to assign myself a check-box of faith.

Do I wear pants? Yes. I love pants. :) I am learning to love shorts. I had a progression of comfort, which I'm sure would be true for anyone trying a new style. I still wear dresses when they're appropriate or comfortable, but I loves me some hiking capris and sweats. Where I still struggle is with my modesty issues. I have an unnatural, I'm told, fear of looking sexual. Showing skin is something I'm growing into. I still have to work on being comfortable in my own skin, but I'm getting better. Bathing suits are much easier to wear now.

I didn't really "go crazy" because I was still a minor when I left. Then, when I turned 18, I had too much on my plate to "go crazy". I also had no money, which leaves little for "going crazy" and binge partying. :) I have drank. I don't much like it.

ms0tee said...
How are you and Harris doing? What is he majoring in?
We are great. I prefer not to talk about his specifics here. I will only say that his major is something that will mean more school, if he chooses not to follow into the family business. He's getting very close to being finished with school if he decides not to go into a graduate program.

Sardonica said...
With the elections coming up, I'm curious how your family dealt with them growing up. Was it something like your family was told to vote for a specific person, or did they leave that to personal choice?

My parents treated elections very much like you see Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar treat elections. We campaigned hard for people who "shared ""our"" values". We were exposed to the process from birth and were expected to participate. The discconnect occured when, as young women, I realized that I was really supposed to let my husband be my "head" and that meant listening to his counsel on who to vote for and what to vote for. My mom would sit at the table with my dad and they'd go through each issue and they'd pretend to "debate". Really, it was a show for us children because, as I got older, I noticed that my mom's sample ballot would have already been checked and noted in my dad's handwriting, with his pen. Basically, there were always core issues that would determine who my family was to support - abortion, religion, and "family values".

@Sheena - I think I may have answered your question, above. :)

Lauren H asked...I'm curious about what was taught to you about history - particularly cultures and time periods dominated by non-Christian traditions and beliefs. Could you give us some insight?
We were taught a very Christian-centered, white-washed version of all history. We didn't have much instruction at all, beyond basic definitions of groups, into other cultures. I knew there were Muslims, but I don't think I was told much about them until 9/11/2001 and then it was a highly negative portrayal. I had been schooled in the major differences and similarities of Judaism - but it was a surface level discussion. I knew Hindu's existed but had never met one. That sort of thing.

@Z is for Ramble - I haven't "thrown out" my parents beliefs, I've just filed them appropriately. LOL

Maria - My question is - Do you have any contact with your extended family i.e. aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.? Are any of them ATI also? And if not, are any of them supportive of you at the moment?

My extended family, outside of brothers and sisters, is extremely small. I choose not to go into the specifics of my dad's family because it would be easy to identify us. I have very extended family but they're distant and the basics are that if they talk to me, my father won't talk to them.

Thank you to those who threw a little someting at the tip jar. I *did* use it for something frivolous, as instructed. I went to see a movie and bought a jumbo popcorn and coke. :) The leftovers I spent on some farmer's market fruit and a jar of Nutella. It always seemed a little pricey, but I loved it. *big hugs and thank yous!*

Ambivalent Egoist

2010-10-13T09:00:00.001-07:00

The Ambivalent Egoist asked, in a previous post, if I would continue to "support" NLQ. What she is referring to, for those who didn't know, is the latest FJ/NLQ forum wars and the family issues between Angel and Vyckie (moderator at NLQ). I wrote an entire post on FJ addressing the issue and my position on it. However, I would like to summarize something here, because there seems to be some confusion amongst people who have been e-mailing me privately. Misconception number one - I owe all of my blog traffic to Vyckie and therefore have some sort of obligation to her. This is not true. I owe *some* of my blog traffic to Vyckie. Mostly, however, my blog has traffic has increased by word of mouth and a few other means. I don't promote my blog, really. If anything, and this is no slight on Vyckie or NLQ, NLQ takes traffic from my blog because my stories are reposted there - no one has to come here to read them. I'm fine with this. I don't really care about the numbers. The thought that I "owe" Vyckie suggests that she's done something for me that wouldn't have happened without NLQ or Vyckie herself. This gets tricky. In some respects, NLQ has meant a lot to me because it's a gathering place for people who have lived in this system and decided not to continue. It's been great having Vyckie to turn to when I had questions about why my mom might have made the choices she did. However, and I have said this to Vyckie, given the accusation that she suggested Princess Jo start a "doubters thread" about me on QF - I have also had my feelings hurt. Because, whether she did or didn't do that, it makes me feel manipulated. Either a woman I trusted enough to disclose my identity to, after the fact, started the stressor that resulted in me giving up information I wasn't totally comfortable giving - OR- I am now being put in the position I was in most of my life ("Who can I trust?", "Am I trusting the RIGHT person?", "Is there anyone trustworthy out there?") by someone (Princess Jo) who has walked this road, too, and knows what an issue trust is. Neither of those is good.

I will never understand why grown women, with similar backgrounds and heartaches, put each other in such positions.

Misconception number 2: I have had a falling out with NLQ.
Not true. NLQ is an organization of women. Can you have a falling out with a support group? I haven't even had a "falling out" with Vyckie. Which brings me to the next misconception...

Misconception number 3: I have to chose a side in the Angel/Vyckie debate because chosing Vyckie means choosing to side with the Empire (darth daddy, star wars referrence intended).
I don't have to choose. None of us is perfect in family relationships. This problem that Vyckie and Angel are having is, really, none of our business. That either party put this stuff on the net and therefore opened themselves up to our opinions is up for debate. Vyckie claims Angel okayed every post made. Angel claims that's not true and she's hurt by her mom's lack of concern for her privacy (allegedly - I haven't spoken to Angel). The truth is likely somewhere in the middle. For that reason - I'll say - STOP E-MAILING ME ABOUT ANGEL AND/OR VYCKIE as it relates to this argument. I have nothing to do with it and, frankly, think it's ridiculous that people expect me to choose a side. I'm not choosing. It's none of my business beyond the point that it effects me. Unless you're Angel or Vyckie - it's not really your business. After this, I won't speak of it.

Other accusations are that I'm being played by Vyckie or have been played by Vyckie - to boost her site hits. I don't care about the site hits and the rest would be something between Vyckie and I. Thank you for the concern. "You're so f-ing niave, Ruth! You and the other quiverers chose your lifestyle and now you bitch about how pathetic your lives are. Grow up, whiners!" I didn't choose anything except leaving as soon as I could. As for the others on NLQ who "chose" QF for themselves and their families - I wonder if you'd be so harsh on mothers who chose the Catholic faith for their families and then learned that their chidlren were molested? Is it the mother's fault? Do you go to those communities and call them pathetic? I understand the anger towards the adults who choose this lifestyle - I struggle with it often. Still, the truth is that every situation is/was different and a person's motives are often complicated.

This site is my site. My story. Read if you want. Believe if you want. I'm not the end-all-be-all voice of QF/ATI/patriarchy. What is it they say on other websites and forums? YMMV? Have a nice day.

*Note - This post shouldn't be perceived as an attack on Ambiv. Egoist. I welcome all questions, criticisms, and support. I just want the e-mails about this situation to stop. Thank you.

Life is good

2010-10-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of updates or story installments. I'm really enjoying my RA position and I think I'm doing a good job. :) I like the interaction and responsibility.

I've been really pleased with school this quarter. It's been a lot of hard work, of course, but I'm enjoying my classes. Maybe it's because they're getting more specific and less survey-ish?

I promise to post more on Monday (I'll have a day off, sort of).

If anyone has questions, still, that I haven't answered, then you can post them here.

Hectic week

2010-09-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

This week was hectic. This RA position is great but it does require more work than I anticipated. It's not "hard" work. It's just more distracting than I originally thought it would be. An example - I'm in my room, working on my own paper and a resident comes in to complain that she can't work on her paper because her neighbor is too loud. I go to mediate the problem. It's remedied and I go back to my room to work on my paper. *knock knock knock* It's another resident who can't get a plug in a bathroom to work. I call maintenance and go put a note on the outlet. Back to the paper - *knock knock* - "Ruth? Can you come out here and see if Jane Doe is in her room because her parents have been calling and she's not answering and she's been feeling sick." Turns out Jane Doe is fine and just had her phone off. I'm halfway through the paper and, yes, I realize I should be writing my paper instead of writing here.

In other news, my dad is back to his old tricks. I went to my mailbox and found a bill from him. It was from his "attorney" (I say it in quotations because his attorney isn't really an attorney, but a paralegal from an online university). My dad billed me for posting my blog about my running away because it is tarnishing his reputation. I can't help but laugh at him a little. How badly would his reputation be tarnished if I outed him? So I say this to my father - your bill is a joke and I would like you to leave me alone. I won't take the bait by calling you or responding to your threat (because that's all it really is) personally. School legal counsel says your "bill" is uncollectable.

49 Character Qualities of Ruth - 22 (I think)

2010-09-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

I was taken back to the station. Officer Barney* and Officer Crouch* (*obviously pseudonyms) spoke to me very little on the way to the station, but the questions they did ask were sympathetic. They wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing - as a minor (technically), I was a runaway. It didn't matter that I was several weeks shy of 18, I was a minor. They made sure I understood that there was a very good chance I would be sent home with my parents anyway. I understood. I had just come to far to turn back now.

We got to the station and they led me into a room. I'd only been in there a few minutes when Officer Barney came in with the attorney the Kline's had found for me. Attorney Dana* said she'd called protective services and pulled some strings but that, unless I could prove the engagement and that it was against my will, I would likely have to go home to my parents. I'd have to emancipate myself if I couldn't prove their was abuse and that process was likely to take longer than my turning 18. Proving the engagement was pretty easy. I had a ring. When I got to the Kline's, I'd taken it off my finger and tossed it into my bag. Since my possessions were taken from me when we entered the station, the ring was retrieved and catalogued as "evidence". Then there was my journal. The journal I kept could be used as evidence. The problem was that I had left it behind. The only way to get it would be through my parents and you can imagine how asking for it might not work out. We decided to call my brother and see if he could get to our house and get it under the auspices of getting me some "modest clothing". It worked. We got my journal.

Skipping ahead a few hours, when my brother arrived at the station with the journal, my attorney decided to have my brother call Adam. Adam knew I'd ran and as soon as my brother started speaking, he launched into a verbal tirade and demanded to speak to me. He made the mistake of yelling, loud enough for us all to hear, that I was "his property" and that if I didn't start "behaving as a righteous wife should" I would be "sorry". He also added that it was my "duty to submit to him in all ways a wife should". At this, the attitude in the room changed. As soon as my brother hung up, the cops started looking for reasons to keep me from going home. The answer had been staring us in the face the whole time - Adam was not a minor. Adam was an adult who had just referred to a minor as "property", with the expectation of submission and the suggestion of abuse. My lawyer asked for an immediate sitting with the presiding judge. It was granted (small municipalities do have their advantages). It was scheduled for the next day and, after being apprised of the situation by their own attorney, through my attorney, they (my parents) agreed to let me go home with my brother and to not contacting me until after the hearing.

I didn't sleep much that night. I couldn't help but fear for everyone who had helped me get as far as I'd got. I also feared that everyone who had helped me would see that I wasn't worth it and that I should just go home. It's hard to be rational at times like those and my upbringing didn't raise me to feel worthy of help. I knew that, in the morning, I would see my parents,...see my mom and maybe my siblings and I wasn't sure if I could handle that. I had this idea in my head that I was still in this alone.

The next day, I was stunned when I approached the courtroom and saw a crowd of people. In attendance were the Klines, the two cops who had first reponded to the Kline's, Officers Barney and Crouch, a social worker, and two friends of my brother's who knew Adam. My parents were there as well, with their attorney.

Education

2010-09-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Question from blog comments - How well were you prepared (by your homeschool education) for entry into college? Did you require any additional preparation/remediation before you enrolled in college/university?

I think I may have answered this in another post but now seems like as good a time as any to give it another shot.

I was most decidedly unprepared in several subjects. In Math, I was actually pretty well situated for entry into an Algebra 2 class because my mom had been a math teacher. She made sure we studied math beyond our designated home school curriculum. I like to think it was her way of preparing us for a better chance at life.

In reading, I scored very well but didn't have the depth that most children have. I *could* read, I just wasn't allowed much variety. I was also never asked to dissect anything literary. That was a skill I had to learn - I think most children learn that pretty early on. When I "graduated" homeschool, my book reports were about a page long and they were really just summaries of a story with no personal insight and no explanation of cultural signifigance.

My grammar was pretty horrendous and I'm still working on that.

History was very difficult for me because of the sanitized and re-written version I'd been raised on. I had to take several survey courses at an adult school/commuinity college to catch up to an acceptable EIGHTH grade level.

Science was largely ignored, except for what passed as a science education in our Wisdom Books. That meant starting from the basics when I left. I had to learn the proper scientific methodology and language.

It took me, literally, years of "adult" education to be able to apply to a university.

Yon's question

2010-09-10T08:01:00.000-07:00

Yon Gin asked - I was arranged marriage. Was not bad in long time, was scary in you begin. Why you run if you raise that way to be arranged?

I'm honored that someone from another culture is reading this blog. Yon Gin has asked questions before and she is legit (not a troll). Yon, I respect that arranged marriage has worked in other circumstances and was the predominant tradition for several eras. I know that some people are happy with their arranged marriage - I'm happy for them that it worked out.

The way *I* was raised, despite what many people think, was not to prepare for an arranged marriage. That's the duality of the ATI and patriarchy movement. When you're small and even when you're not-so-small, they tell you that JESUS has already chosen your partner. They tell you that the 'one god has for you' is waiting and praying for you and you should pray for him. They don't tell you who that person is. There's a lot of talk about saving yourelf for that person and how your parents will help you know who he is but they don't outright tell you, when you're young, that your parents will pick this person for you. They don't tell you that the talk about YOU praying about a match won't mean a hill of beans because the decision will have already been made for you. It's not the arranged marriage part that bothered me as much as the forced marriage part. I wasn't ready for ANY marriage (I'm still not) let alone marriage to someone I hated. He wasn't the sort of man I was told to wait for or give myself to but because he was a benefit to my father, I was expected to capitulate. When my parents and my faith group were talking to me about being a jewel in my husband's crown, they never told me I would have to ignore the instincts and ignore what I felt God was telling me. It's so hard for me to explain this to anyone who hasn't been there. I hope I'm explaining it right. It isn't like I had feelings for anyone else or wanted someone different and that's why I rebelled. That's not it either. I just knew it wasn't Adam who "God had for me" and I guess I didn't trust my parents enough (when it comes right down to it) to be carrying out God's will. (pause)

After I wrote that last paragraph I had to take a break because it's the first time I've put that out there so plainly. I didn't trust my parents. Even though it went against everything I'd been taught about parental authority and honoring that authority - I didn't. I wanted to with all my heart but I couldn't - I imagine it's in the same way that you can love your best friend but still turn them in for beating their child or wife. You know in your heart what is wrong and what my parents were attemptimg to do was wrong. Even my mother.

Back to the question - I was raised to trust God and give my parents authority over my life. When Adam was put before me, I just realized doing both wasn't possible. God, in my head, was telling me no.

How would you all answer Yon's question?

Break from my story - Questions

2010-08-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from my story to answer some reader e-mail and questions. Some of these are old (from older posts) and some are new.

Email question - Ruth, I'm dying to know how the family reunion with Harris was and how your relationship is going? Can you give us the Harris update?

The reunion was fantastic. It was at Disneyland and I had a ball experiencing this for the first time. My favorite rides were Pirates of the Carribean and Soaring Over Californina. Harris' extended family were interesting people with all sorts of backgrounds. I can honestly say that I've never seen such a blended family (races, religions, and cultures. I think I asked too many questions of his African American, jewish relatives just because that was something my small world never imagined. They were equally interested in how I grew up and why I left. Harris' immediate family was wonderfully comforting and welcoming. We had a night where it was just Harris' parents and siblings (and their families). We sat around the table and had a great time.

My relationship with Harris is progressing. He asked me to marry him. I said I wasn't ready and he said he figured that would be my answer. We've decided to keep going on as we are for a year and see where that leaves us. If we're still in the right place, then I will consent to an engagement. I love him. I'm sure of it. My fear is that rushing into anything rarely works and walking right into a marriage would be what I ran from before.

How's your financial situation?
It is guarded as always. Thanks for the concern.

49 Character Qualities of Ruth- The First Night

2010-08-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

It's hard to explain what those first few minutes were like, as I made my way across the field to the neighbors. I had a million emotions - fear, anger, sadness, grief, excitement, and uncertainty, just to name a few. At any moment, I expected the sliding door to open and the back yard lights to go on. I expected one of the boys, or - worse- my father, to hop on the ATV we kept in the yard. Looking back every step, though - all I saw was a quiet house. No one had noticed my leaving, even though I was sharing a room at this point. In hindsight, I've always wondered if my sisters had slept through my feverish gathering (maybe they thought I was gathering clothes for a late night load of laundry?) or if they knew I was leaving and knew I was unhappy? Either way, they didn't stop me or raise any alarm.

My neighbors were shocked to see me standing on their porch. Mr. and Mrs. Kline* (pseudonym) had had their doubts about my family for years. They'd called protective services one day after watching my dad dole out a punishment to my brother. Protective services did nothing - deeming the incident to be within the scope of parental discipline, but the Kline's intervention made a deep impression on me. I knew someone was watching our family. The Klines also made attempts to talk to my mother and us girls whenever they could. My father would speak about how nosey they were and how they were "the wolves". Mrs. Kline worked and my father would use their childlessness as an example of how worldliness "deprived a woman of her Godly appointment". As I came to discover, Mrs. Kline was infertile.

I stood on their doorstep and explained, or tried to, that I had been engaged and I didn't want to be and I was hoping they could help me get to my brother. Mrs. Klein told me later that she would've adopted me that night but Mr. Klein was rightfully worried about taking in a minor. He said we should call the police or call my parents. I opted to call the police because I knew calling my parents would only result in them calling the police to make me come home.

The police came and listened to my story. I will never forget their kindness. One of the officers was female - a rarity for our town at that time- and I think it was God's gift to me that she arrived to take my statement. Both she and her partner were disgusted by the possibility that things were the way I said it was (being forced to accept Adam's proposal) but they kept it professional and said they were going to go talk to my father. I told them I didn't want to go back home and stammered that I feared being sent away again. The Klein's confirmed that I had disappeared for a few months not too long ago and the cops took that into consideration. They went to my father's house to get his side of the story.

My father was irate and demanded that I be returned to him or he would "retrieve me" himself. He demanded that it was all a misunderstanding (his favorite excuse) and that if he could just talk to me, it would be fixed. When the officers repeated my fear of being sent away, my father told them that was silly because the previous detention had been my choice! He produced a letter I'd been encouraged to write my parents telling them how grateful I was for being sent away. The female officer had the wisdom to see this for what it was. She started asking about our family. She wanted to talk to my mother (who was standing in the room, not saying a word) in private. My father allegedly told my mother that was not wise and my mother wouldn't answer in more than one word answers. The female officer suggested that maybe we all needed the night to calm down. For whatever reason, my father agreed and I stayed at the Klein's.

The next morning, my mother arrived bright and early to retrieve me. Mrs. Klein asked if I wanted to leave and as much as I wanted to go to my mother, I knew I would be punished for my stunt. I told her I didn't want to leave but I knew I couldn't stay and she said Mr. Klein was handling that. What I didn't know at that moment was that Mr. Klein had already gone to retain an attorney on my behalf.

To make a long story short, within two hours, the cops arrived to take me home (a different set of officers this time) because I was a "run away". Mrs. Klein explained the situation and the officers told me I had a choice - go home or go to their offices and file a report against Adam and my father. I chose the latter. It was my first time in a police car and I was terrified. Mrs. Klein followed us in her car. As we passed by the front of my house, I saw my mom and sisters watching through the windows. It was humiliating and I can only imagine what my father was saying in the background.

Character Qualities of Ruth

2010-08-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

So, there I was, pre-engaged. Betroathed. I refused to say "engaged" because that would suggest I was a party to the act. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When I should've been praying to ask God to make my heart right with these decisions being made for me, I was asking God to get me out and show me a way to avoid it all. My goal was to graduate high school. When I told my mother that, she made sure my home school curriculum was first priority - just to get it out of the way and give me less of an excuse. When I told my mom I didn't like the boy 'that way' - she thought she'd help me by having me spend time with his family. When that didn't work - I was sent away. I was sent to work in the offices of the movement. During that time, all ties were cut for me. I was only allowed to get one letter a week from my "betroathed" and one phone call from my parents. Both of these were pre-read and listened to. I was kept, doing church related tasks, busy for three months.

When I had been beated down (emotionally and spiritually), I was allowed to go home. The very next day, my dad invited Adam to come help with a project we were doing. He was brining another brother as a chaparone. I knew the question was coming and the question was going to be the catalyst to change in my life.

I was right.

Adam came into our home and went straight to the backyard to discuss something with my father. I tried to look small and invisible. After dinner, Adam publicly asked my father if two of my siblings would accompany us on a walk. We walked down the street until we got to a fence gate. At the gate, Aaron dropped on one knee and read me a scripture passage. He pulled a small box from his coat and presented me with a diamond ring.

The world started swimming. I have never felt more claustrophobic in my life. My sister stepped up to hold my shaking hand as he put the ring on - because I hadn't verbally agreed to anything. Somehow or another, we ended up back in the house and a party was being amped up. Dad was taking photos and mom was caling friends to tell them to save a date for a wedding. All this and I haven't said yes. I went to the bathroom and tried to hide, but Adam used our lockless doors against us and he forced my sister in through the door to tell me to return to the party. Inside I was screaming that I hadn't agreed to be his wife and yet there were dates being tossed around.

People were planning a wedding around me. The wedding was a go and the bride was a no. I was in a daze but through the daze I knew that it was time for me to leave. After the hubbub died down, and people were leaving, Adam took me outside by the hand for a "talk". During the talk, I tried barganing. I told him I might marry him if he would be okay with my staying in school and going for an advanced education. He was visibly uncomfortable. He said that he thought I was in line with the teachings of our fathers and God's commandment for us. I told him I might be, I wasn't sure, and that I needed time to seek out an answer. I also told him that IF we got married, I would NEED to have something that was just mine in our life (a job, a hobby, or the ability to further my education). I thought, maybe for a moment, that he was thinking about what I'd said becuase he got quiet. I wrongfully thought that meant he was considering some of what I said. Well, maybe he was, but not in the way I thought. He grabbed my arm forcibly and said, "YOU is no longer YOU. YOUR WORLD IS ME NOW." He quoted scripture at me and jammed my hands into my chest. He told me to get right with the Lord and see him for the prize he was. He had a house for us. He had a job. He was next in line for a political fortune (supposedly) and I "could have it all" just by marrying him and "Learning to love him." I just cried - what else could I do? As I was trying to walk away, he spun me around by jerking my arm and pinned me to the fence. I won't repeat what he said, but he grabbed my rear-end and said, "Yummmm...Ruth. Don't lose any weight between now and the wedding."

I went to my mother and told her what had went down outside. She insisted I must've misunderstood and went to get my dad. My dad was ambivalent. He insisted that I had misunderstood and then suggested that every woman enjoys it when a man pays you a sexual compliment.

That night - after everyone had gone to bed-- I started grabbing clothes. I had no idea where I was going or what it even meant to get out of the family but something told me I had to go. I prayed to God to give me a sign to go. An hour later, I noticed a light go on at the neighbor's house across the field. I wasn't thinking very far ahead - I had just asked God to give me a place to run - a sign to go - anything. The light. I ran across the field with only what I could carry.

Reunions

2010-08-19T10:22:00.001-07:00

I promise that my next post will be a continuation of the 49 Character Qualities of Ruth. I know many of you are waiting for it.

For right now I just wanted to tell everyone I'm fine, just really busy. RA's got to go back to the dorms for training and set up a little early and I've been making up some training I didn't do in the spring. The girl who was supposed to be the RA isn't coming back to school at all and I'm the replacement. I'll be on a co-ed area with mostly incoming freshman under my charge. The irony is that I'll have 19 to watch over. LOL 19 Kids and Counting...?

I leave with Harris for his family reunion tonight. I'm excited. I've spoke with his mom and dad before. When they came through to visit him once. I'm looking forward to meeting his sibs and his cousins. His mom was sweet and called me because I told Harris that I was nervous about being there. How do I dress? What would be appropriate (thanks readers for that heads-up!)? She told me exactly what we'd be doing and siad she was really happy I was coming along. She's such a great lady. It makes me miss my mom. Harris' mom told me that Harris had filled her in about my family and she would do what she could to help me negotiate his nosier family members. In the end, I'm looking forward to this! We'll be doing some neat activities and going to Disneyland- MY FIRST TIME!

Addressing the issues

2010-08-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

An anonymous commenter has been very critical of some of my recent decisions. In many ways, I can see his/her points. Am I niave? You bet. Do I have a great deal of life experience? That depends on what sort of life experience you're thinking of. But the thing that makes me a little angry is when someone suggests that I haven't taken care of myself, and that I wouldn't be a good RA, because I've taken advice from blog readers.

Here's what I would say to that. I have been a mother to children since I was old enough to know what the word meant. While I *know* I don't have the social maturity or professional skills to solve my resident's problems, I am good at admitting when I'm over my head and asking for help from others. I wouldn't even be allowed to do much in an emergency situation, besides contact the appropriate resources. We're only allowed, as RAs, to intervene in so much as we secure a situation and call the resident life director or emergency services. I also know what it means to be alone and homesick. That, from what I understand, is a huge part of the first quarter RA duty - to make my residents feel at home and deal with life skills that you deal with when you leave (laundry, time management, etc.,.).

I am growing. I'm not perfect. But I know that I can handle a lot more than some people and what I can't handle I'm quick to admit I can't handle. Isn't that better than pretending to have all the answers? While people suggested I take an RA position, no one got the job for me or held my hand while I did it. I've spent the last six years of my life living with very little outside assistance, well below the poverty level, trying to overcome my past. How I handle things may not be the same as how you would handle something and I know I'm not where most 26 year olds are professionally or emotionally. Like you said, some of that isn't my fault given that my upbringing was not meant to prepare me for independence or adulthood. But here I am doing what I'm doing - getting my education and securing a small livelihood for myself.

I don't mind that you commented and criticized. I do mind the assumptions and accusations. I've made mistakes and I'm growing from them but I don't have the security net most people have and I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have.
Thanks for reading and writing.

Countown to school

2010-08-10T22:13:00.001-07:00

There have been so many things going on since I was "fired". Starting with living in this hotel. It's strange living somewhere that is made to be temporary.

I've filled out six or seven applications for part time work the next year and I'm trying to get a head start on next summer's work. I still thinkn I want to nanny but I'm definitely going to use a propper agency. The thing that looks most promising is the campus bookstore placement. It's minimum wage an hour plus a discount on store items. It's very close to my dorm and the schedule is one where you can leave in the middle of shifts to take class as long you come right back when class is finished and put in your assigned hours for the day. It's pretty flexible. As long as two people are in the store at all times, they don't worry about it. This could be the answer to my prayers.

I GOT AN RA GIG!!!!!!! I was a last minute replacement for another girl who decided she wasn't going to live on campus after all. Her spot came open and I was eligible for it. I have to quickly take a series of video classes and go through a handbook that I'll get tested on in a week. They do this all differently if you're picked in the first round. I have to squash all of the information in in a short time. I have to take a training course on "listening" and "protecting the people in our care by helping them recognize bad situations and help them form reasonable exit strategies". I couldn't help but smile at the irony.

More fun! The RA rooms are equipped with wifi so that we can do daily tally sheets and communicate with the director of student life. We have a daily webchat (5 minutes). The laptop is owned by the school but it sounds like they "reward you" with your laptop at the end of your service. Cool.

Harris and I are considering something very big. For those that pray, please pray for god to give us wisdom to make this decision. It's not moving in together or having a baby...it's, in the context of my upbringing, bigger. I don't want to say what it is now but I'll let you know soon. Just pray for God to show me how normal 26 year olds would deal with the situation. :)

--------
As I wrote that I realized I can't keep the secret. Harris wants to take me to meet his family at a reunion and introduce me as his "very serious girlfriend" (his words). He wants to see how I fit with their family and he wants to see how his family will react to my past.

Update

2010-07-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

I just got back to a computer for the first time since Monday. I'm sorry I didn't check in sooner but the week went crazy late, late Monday night. It's a long story but I want to set a few other things straight first.

An anonymous poster replied here and said I was stupid for ever agreeing to this employment in the first place. I don't argue, now, that I was stupid for agreeing to work for basically nothing. There's no excuse for being so naive, I guess. I can just say that at the time I agreed to nanny for this family, I thought this was the only thing I could do with the constraints I had. I looked hard for work. I filled out about 45 applications and most of the places wouldn't even give me an interview because, at the time I applied, I had a cast on my leg, no car, and no place lined up to live for the summer. I had even applied at a nanny agency and they didn't return my follow-up calls because of the cast. Jack and Jill's job came about through schools sources and therefore I thought they were more legit than it ended up being (employment wise). I don't think arguing about what I should've done is very productive at this point - I was about to be homeless for three months and I was injured - I took shelter over money. And for most of the summer the arrangement was great. I got to see a dad who really loves his children and that was great for me. I had a taste of what it's like to live above the poverty level and in a home where a everyone was an individual.

--
On Monday, after I posted my last post, there was a knock on my door. Jill was standing there with an envelope. She set the envelope on my dresser and said that they wouldn't need my services in the morning and that I had three days to pack up and leave. Because I didn't take the boys out on Monday afternoon, I had missed one of the boys' lessons and, in Jill's mind, didn't fulfil my obligations. She turned and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, when I was on the phone with Harris trying to figure out what was going on and what I was going to do, there was another knock on the door and before I could answer it, Jack came in and grabbed the envelope and said I wasn't going anywhere and to try to have a good sleep because the boys would need me in the morning. Harris overheard this and said he was coming over, so I went downstairs to wait for him.

Downstairs was in chaos. Jack and Jill were fighting - bad. It was ugly. I started to sneak out the front door when Jill saw me and told me I should be packing but that was quickly followed by Jack telling me she was crazy. I just went outside to wait for Harris. Harris arrived and asked what I wanted to do. He had brought a friend of ours, another dorm mate who was back.

I saw one of the boys' lights go on upstairs and told Harris I should go back in and check on him. Harris and the friend didn't want me going into the fight alone so they stepped into the foyer. Jill went nuts. I tried going up the stairs to check on *Fred and she blocked me. She kept thrusting that envelope in my face. I feel bad about what I did, leaving the boys and the house, but I really don't like confrontation and I needed to get out, so I left. The guy Harris brought along has family locally and they let me stay the night in their guest room. The next morning, Jack called and said that he and the boys were leaving and he wanted to see me before the left. I still had all my stuff in their house so I said I'd meet him if I could bring the lady I was staying with along.

Tuesday, I met Jack and he handed me a key for a hotel room and some money for food and sundries. He said he was really sorry for how things had worked out and that he wasn't concerned about the $400. He also told me to call the doctor friend we had seen who had arranged for me to get the evaluation I needed for no cost through friends of his. The good news is that my ankle and knee were just badly sprained and maybe the miniscus of my knee has a small tear. The tear may have been there all along though so it's not a big deal unless it starts locking or popping. It's not doing either now.

On Tuesday night, I went back to the house and packed up my stuff. Luckily, I didn't have much that was mine with me.

I miss the boys. I'm glad I got to say goodbye to them and that they're okay. They're going on a vacation with their dad to see their paternal grandparents.

I don't know what's going on with Jill. I'm worried about her because up until the last week I really didn't have a reason to suspect she was like she is. Hindsight is 20/20 and there were small things that I now see but nothing that would've made me guess it would end this way.

What happens from here is that I go back to school and think about what I've learned. The room is paid up through the day before the dorms open up. I'm okay. Just processing.

tense

2010-07-26T16:00:00.001-07:00

Today has been surreal. This morning, even though I spent the weekend with ice on my knee and elevating my leg, Jill knocked on my door and said, "Ruth, we're leaving. The boys are waiting for you." They left without any conversation about what was going to happen today. It bothers me a little because last night, after reading all of the comments here, I asked to speak to them privately after the boys went to bed and told them that I was caught off guard by the events of Friday. I told them that I didn't know where we stood and that I had felt undervalued by the whole shopping list question and the expectation of paying back the $400 (when I had clearly stated that I couldn't afford it at the time it happened). Jack seemed like he understood and he even said that they knew how hard I'd been working for them. Jill just said that I had a job to do and if I couldn't do it they'd have to re-think the arrangement. I did mention the issue of the injury happening on the job and I pointed out that I was on "overtime" at the time it happened. I gave them a time sheet that I've kept all along to show that I've put in a lot of "Overtime". But then Jill said something about they had intended to give me a large bonus at the end of the summer and now she felt strange about it because I mentioned feeling undervalued. It was, to me, a strange thing to say at the time because it was like she was saying "well now that you have objected to someting we won't be doing that". Why say it otherwise? I kept saying that I felt bad about the situation but that we could learn from it and Jill said, "You have a good thing going here, Ruth." I'm so confused over this. I've got two more weeks before I can go back to the dorms. I guess I can just try to hang until then and hope they don't fire me.

The kids and I had a good day despite everything. We did crafts and I let them go in the pool - Harris came over to lifeguard now that he's back in town. (Jack said it was okay.) Jack came home early and told me to go rest up so that's what I'm doing.

Letter for Jack and Jill (feedback needed)

2010-07-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

Here's what I'm working on.

-----
Dear Jack and Jill,
Three months ago, I was graciously welcomed into your home and began to love you as a second family. Things were fantastic for weeks and I had nothing to complain about. I assume that you felt the same way due to actions on your part and sentiments you have shared. Your boys are wonderful boys - you've done a great job raising them- and I hope to be a part of their lives from here on out.

On Friday, at 7:21pm, I was at the soccer field with *Max and *Jax*. After several innings of practice, Jake* arrived to "relieve me", as he normally does, but on this occasion, he was in the middle of a business deal and I didn't want to interrupt to tell him that i was heading home and he should get the kids' water from under the shade of the big Elm. While I was waiting to catch his attention, a fly ball came over the fence and *Jack's partners' little girl ran into a field to grab it. As you know, there is a road less than 10 feet from the edge of that "field", so I took off after her. In doing so, I tripped into a kit fox hole.

I was immediately in pain and was having a hard time walking, but - as Jack was still talking- I collected the children and spoke to their coach about the next game before driving home. At home, I met up with the both of you and in your opinion, I needed care. Your friend "Doctor" said he'd see me gratis. At his home, it was decided that there was an injury that needed further study and lots of rest until then. He recommended going to the Urgent Clinic for xrays. Jack took me there, too. Upfront, we were both told that the xrays would be $400. I told Jack I couldn't get that money at the momet and if i could it would wreck me financially. He said, "Don't worry about it. We love you." and handed the woman his credit card. The xray indicated a problem but the problem would need a CAT scan to evaluate properly. Until then, I was told to take it easy. I still have the doctor's orders.

This has put us in an awkward position. You've been great employers and your boys are amazing. Perhaps because I find you so amazing, I'm having a hard time discussing this with you and how I feel it should be handled. I've done some digging and based on our work agreement/contract, the injury happened on "work time" (even if it was outside our set hours) and since you may or may not be paying into State Disability, maybe we should look into that to cover the xray cost. I'm also concerned because I know you give me room and board in a remarkable fashion but because of not giving me a salary of my own, I can't fund any need or want without going through you. To then have Jack ask me to take things off my grocery list was shocking. I've never abused your kindness or our relationship professionally. I feel that without such clear lines drawn before, we're now in a pickle.

Until I find a way to fund a CT, I need to respect the doctor's orders and keep off my leg as much as possible. I believe that I can still nanny your children effectively and actively, with certain requirements and adjustments made. I will take it on myself to create a curriculum of indoor activities or yard activities that i can supervise without being on my legs. Would you be willing to work with me on making these adjustments for the time being?

I've lost sleep over this problem. However I don't think it's a problem we can't overcome in the best interest of the children and ourselves.
Thank you
Ruth
What else does it need?

Better luck next time

2010-07-24T16:11:00.001-07:00

Up front disclosure - I am not dropping out of school. I will figure this out. Not asking for anything, just venting.

Yesterday when I was out with the boys, I stepped in a kit fox hole and felt a pop in my knee. It was the same leg I broke earlier this year so I babied it the rest of the day. I let the boys finish their games and then we headed back to the house for dinner. By the time we got back to the house, my knee was very swollen and the healed area of the recent break was throbbing. My employers noticed and asked what was wrong. I explained what had happened and how it was hurting and they wanted to take me to the ER immediately. Problem is, I don't have health insurance when school's out. During the school year, students have access to the clinic and have some coverage that can be used at the County hospital (they have a pre-determined contract for servicing uni students for cut rates). I explained this to Jack and Jill* (employers pseudonyms). Jack said he'd call a friend of his (a doctor) and see if he could get a gratis exam. His friend "Doctor" agreed and we went to his house. Doctor thought I had either rebroke the bone or injured the knee (by now it was locking up) and said I needed an xray. They called around and the cheapest xray was to be had at a walk-in clinic. Jack and I drove to the clinic. They wanted $400 for the exam and an xray. I told Jack I didn't have that kind of money and he said it was "okay". I went in, got my xray, and the doctor at the clinic said I really needed a CT scan, but that I shouldn't walk on the knee for a few days or until I'd been cleared by an orthopedist or the CT. He put me back on crutches.

Needless to say, there's tension now with my employers. I'm in pain and on crutches. Luckily, it's the weekend and I'm not officially "on duty". Jill* asked me if I could "do my job" tomorrow and I was honest with her - I'm just not sure if I can. If these boys were boys who liked to be indoors or hanging around the house, then I could do this from the couch. I told her that I was pretty sure we couldn't do our originally planned trip to the lake to fish. She was not happy at all. She said that my living there was with the understanding that I would work. I can understand her position - I wouldn't want to pay for a nanny who couldn't nanny, but she's not paying me cash, so what does this mean? Is she going to kick me out? Then, Jack came into the room and said that we would have to "discuss that $400". I told him I can pay him back part of it but it almost decimate my savings for school account (I think there's $500 in there now). He seemed like he understood that that was a scary idea for me and then he took the shopping list from the fridge and asked me what things on there (of mine) were non-necessities. NOTHING! I'm so upset because I really should've taken the advice some of you gave me to get a more detailed contract and to not undervalue what I've been doing for them. I was just so desperate to get a room for the summer that I neglected to consider how a situation like this would work out. Any advice now?

ETA: Up until now our arrangement has been working and I didn't expect them to have the reaction they are having. Am I being naive about this? Would you feel this way if your nanny were injured? What would you expect? Maybe I need another perspective?

Did I have the words?

2010-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Deb asked...Though this has been touched on before, I want to say that I'm very disturbed that you didn't have a way to get taken seriously if you were to say "I feel uncomfortable with this man and with courtship at this time of my life. I would like to wait until I'm older and to find a man with whom I feel more personally compatible. This feeling is only getting stronger as I get to know Adam better."
Given your JOY training, did you have the words to express a sentiment like that? Would this have been treated as disrespect to your parents and/or God?

At first, I didn't. I spent most of that year of uncomfortable phone calls and forced meetings willing myself silent because I didn't want it to be even remotely possible that this was happening. I had been told most of my life that my parents would give me "guidance" and "help me discern" who the right boy was - so when it was actually happening, I kept thinking (and I know this sounds crazy) that God hadn't revealed him to me as a suitor, so my parents couldn't possibly think him to be a suitor. I was stupid and naive. I figured that by being silent, my feelings would be known.

After the "announcement", I was silent through the dinner and then I spent two days arguing with my parents. Although what you all might think of as "arguing" isn't likely what happened. I shut down that night and all of these thoughts started racing through my head. As soon as Adam's family left, I started questioning what had just happened and asking what it all meant. I told my dad that I hadn't heard from the Lord on this matter. I told him that Adam couldn't be the one God had for me because I had received no insight or message and I hadn't even prayed for Adam specifically in any fashion. Dad reminded me that I'd been instructed to pray for my future husband since I could pray and I argued that this wasn't the guy I pictured in my prayers. Dad said, and I will never forget these words, 'then perhaps you were praying with Satan in your heart and not God and your father's will on your heart?"

I went to the next group meeting in such a foul mood that it was suggested I be sent away. I won't say where but I'm sure most of you can guess. Luckily, my older brother intervened and said I just needed more time. He found the words I didn't have. I ended up promising to pray about Adam but I knew I wouldn't marry him. What I didn't know was how I was going to avoid it. The clock was ticking until my eighteenth birthday. I knew he'd propose six months before that.

You are 16, going on 17

2010-07-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

I spent close to, or maybe a little over a year, trying to dodge Adam's calls. We weren't officially "courting", so I didn't see why I had to speak with him any more than I was allowed to speak to other male "friends of the family" that called. Unfortunately, my father had decided that we should get to know each other better and that was the end of that discussion.

Adam was a very pushy guy. Many of his questions seemed inappropriate, even if they would've been asked in a normal dating situation. He would ask the standards:
How many children do you want? Will you pledge to allowing the Lord to open and close your womb?
How do you feel about debt? Would you be willing to sacrifice and go without in order to start OUR lives out with no debt?
Would you allow me my patriarchal authority or would you insist on an equal partnership (said like it was bad thing)?
He would also ask the strange questions:
How often do you think about physical intimacy (sex)?
When do you think about it? Am I part of your fantasy?
If we were alone, would we need a chaperone?
How often should a married couple have relations? Would you allow your husband the freedom to try new things?

Later, as I was speaking to the brother who didn't consumate his marriage for six months, I got to watch the horrified face of this brother as I relayed these questions from Adam. He said that Adam was definitely not following the ATI/IBLP, courtly love script. I didn't figure he was.

In any case, I never "fell" for Adam. He wasn't right for me. He was right for my dad, however! Adam's family wasn't a founding family but they owned a lot of land and were of interest to certain people in Gothard circles because they had what most QF families don't have - a boatload of money. Getting Adam married into an "established" ATI family could help insure that his family would stay in and all of that land/money would stay in ATI circles. At least, that's my opinion, I don't have solid proof. Why else would my dad push so heavily for it though? I didn't even know Adam in the way that most women know the man they'll marry.

When I was sixteen, going on seventeen, Adam's family came for another visit and it was on this visit that Adam asked to court me, with the understanding that we would become engaged in less than a year and married as soon as I was eighteen. His request was one of the most humiliating events in my life. We had just sat down around two long tables for dinner in a squished livingroom. Adam came around to the girl's table and took my hand. I stood up and there, in front of every member of my family, he proposed the courtship (almost exactly as I stated it above) and presented me with a piece of jewelry. I was caught of guard and didn't know what to say so I started crying. People in the room saw what they wanted to see and mistook my tears for tears of joy. I guess they missed my attempt to untangle my hand from Adam's and run for the door (it was too crowded or I would have). As they applauded and wished us luck, I'm not even sure I answered his request/demand. Before I knew it, I was being led to the table he was sitting at and my place setting was being moved by his brother. And with that I was officially pre-engaged to the boy I didn't know and didn't like.

Some fun - create your ATI/IBLP singles ad.

2010-07-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

I need some humor and Cynthia and others had a great idea. Make up your own "want ad", for a male or female, in the IBLP dating scene. :)

For example -
"Wanted- righteous young lady who feareth in the Lord to raise a quiver full of soldiers for God's Army. Must be fluent in Goddard-ese and carry a minimum of six years of DRT education. Purity is a must. Submit five letters of recommendation to Fanofbill@email.com."

49 Character Qualities of Ruth - Relationship (2)

2010-07-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Day two of the Carson's visit was on a Sunday and we had a worship service in our homechurch. My father led the service which, coincidently, seemed centered around the covenants of marriage and purity. This was a frequent theme in our church but it still made me feel 'on the spot'. After service, we went to the park for a picnic. Historically, these picnics were semi-segregated by sex. The boys would gather around one area and do activities or chat with the men. The girls and women would set out the food and then congregate for "fellowship". On this day, however, my dad suggested that I take drinks over to the boys and see if they needed anything.

Adam was, in hindsight, waiting for me to approach him. I asked the group if they needed anything and I was bombarded by requests. So much so that I couldn't possibly carry everything back on my own. Adam volunteered to help me. The 100 yards or so back to the covered picnic area was the longest walk I'd ever had alone with a boy that wasn't a family member. Adam took full advantage of the time and continued his interrogation from the day before. I answered in one word answers and didn't contribute much to the discussion. Shortly thereafter, my dad grabbed me by the arm and drug me behind the van to ask why I was being so short with Adam - apparently, Adam had told his father, who told my father, that I wasn't being friendly enough. I told my dad that I was uncomfortable discussing personal things with Adam as I barely knew him and I had never been with a boy alone. My dad reacted in a way I thought, and still think, was strange! Instead of understanding the position I was in and congratulating me for maintaining the boundaries he'd instilled in me, he was enraged! He told me that I *would* answer all of Adam's quetsions and I would do it JOYfully. I *would* be the "epitome of grace and womanhood" and I would "remember my place" as the eldest, "example" daughter. With that, I was pushed back to the fray. Adam was right there waiting.

The Carson's visit ended with Adam asking if he could call me. When I told him he'd have to talk to my dad, hoping that would dissuade him, he said he already had and had been told he could. It made me feel like my permission was just a quaint formality, but unnecessary. I didn't say I would respond but said I'd have to pray about maintaining communication. We weren't supposed to communicate with boys unless God told us he was 'the one', after all.

A week later, the phone rang and it was Adam. I begged not to take the call and my mom made an excuse for me. This happened several times while my dad was away on business. As soon as he returned, Adam called again and I tried to beg out of it - this time, I was told that I was taking the call. Thus began a year of phone calls I dreaded and my father regulated.

49 Character Qualities of Ruth - Relationship

2010-07-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

Note: A few weeks after my last "life story" installment, I got e-mails from someone at IBLP and a rep from Gothard asking me to stop using the character traits as lead-ins to my story. Since I don't know how I would stand legally, I'll honor the request and not re-post the traits. I will, however, keep telling my story and if one of the character lessons is directly related to the story, I feel justified in posting it as background.

--------------------------------------------------
The Beggining of the Relationship That Ended It All
--------------------------------------------------
As I've said before, my family did a lot of fellowship with other IBLP/ATI/QF families. Our house was a convenient rest stop for families travelling to and from sessions, conventions, and other gatherings. While our house wasn't terribly large, it did have a large yard and land enough to park trailers/buses/motorhomes or a fleet of vans (the general vehicle of choice for QF families).

One afternoon, as we were cleaning in preparation for yet another gathering, my dad asked to speak to me. He handed me a rake and asked me to help him level a spot under a tree for the Carson's* trailer. (NOTE* - I've obviously changed names here.) He explained that the Carson's were good friends of his (even though I'd only met them a handful of times and couldn't recall any special relationship). My dad veered off into the unexpected when he started asking me questions about my future. Dad asked if I had been praying for my future husband or if I had thought about "seriously preparing (myself) for marriage?" I don't remember what my external response to him was but I do remember thinking that I was uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. After we'd cleared the spot, dad and I got in the cart to go back to the shed and he laid his hand on mine. He said that he'd been praying about my future husband and had received some guidance from the Lord. The Lord had guided him to the Carson family.

The Carson family had five boys. The oldest was eight years older than me (but still living at home). The youngest was two years my junior. The third boy, Jacob*, was a year older than me and I assumed that my dad was referring to this boy. Rounding out their family was Adam*. Adam was three years older than me (17, at this point). Because we weren't allowed to socialize with the boys in other families (other than brief interactions with no physical contact or real deep conversation), I didn't know the Carson boys very well. When they visited before, or when we saw them at conferences, I kept my distance and kept busy. I had no interest in any of the boys because they seemed odd to me. Jacob was, from my estimation, approachable and the most cordial of the boys. But the others were rowdy and loud and talked badly about others in a way that I found off-putting. Hearing my father say that I was now supposed to "get to know them" made me anxious. I had no experience with dating, it being forbidden, and was certainly not thinking of courting anyone at fourteen.

When the Carson's arrived, my dad greeted them warmly and, as happened with all "fellowshipping opportunities", gathered us all for a prayer. The prayer was standard procedure until my dad said, "...and Lord, please use this weekend to do your will...open hearts and minds to new possibilities, for your Glory." As he said this, he looked at me. The prayer circle broke and for the first time in my life, I was told to go with my brothers and entertain the Carson boys while we toured the property. I protested and said that I was needed by my mother. My father grabbed my arm harshly and told me to do as I was told.

During the walk with the boys, I tried not to be noticed. I hung back. I only answered direct questions and was counting the moments until I could retreat into the relative comfort of my room. After we'd left site of the house, Adam slowed down until I had caught up with the group and he tried to make small talk. He asked me very personal questions about my faith and if I believed in the principles that certain people in our circle promoted. I'm sure I touted the party line and told him what I imagined he wanted to hear. This interrogation lasted until we got back to the house and I went to find my mother.

My mother was in the kitchen with Mrs. Carson. As soon as I entered the room, the tone changed and my mother began telling all present how skilled and capable I was in managing our home. "In fact...", said my mother, "...Ruth, why don't you take over dinner while Mrs. Carson and I watch the girls play! You don't mind, do you?" What could I say? Open contradiction was unheard of and I'd prepared dinner for many many times. I did as I was told. When we gathered at the table for the meal, my parents made multiple references to how good my cooking was and how efficient I'd been in presenting the meal. It was strange praise. Even stranger when Mr. Carson took each praise in like a bidder at an auction, smiling and nodding to his sons.

NOT DROPPING OUT

2010-06-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Oh my! I just want to make sure you all know I'm not so desperate as to drop out of school. :) I've made it this far and it would take more than a shortfall to get me to quit. That's why I asked for suggestions. Thank you to the people who mentioned the half-price book sites. I think I'll be able to get most of my books at those places and that will free up some cash. I think I can also sell some books and that would be a source of income as well. Good ideas!

I spoke with financial aid and they're going to try to help me get the one scholarship back. Then I called resident life and asked about the RA option. I should hear back within the week.

Look back

2010-06-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

Time to reflect on how this job has been.
1. I love the family. The kids are fun, amazing, smart, and like brothers.
2. I'm getting the sort of experience with a normal family that my childhood should have provided me with.

Though all this is great, there are some things that could be better.
1. I don't always get all the time I was promised. Usually, this is my fault. Since I'm not clocking in and out or leaving the premises, I end up getting back into the roll of nanny when I'm supposed to be off duty and we're so happy together that that time I had anticipated being able to use to earn some extra money is not there.
2. In being worried about being "low impact", I'm not asking for the things I need. This wasn't a problem until I actually needed some things and then it looked like I was asking for "extras". We had an awkward moment.
3. School - I'm not goning to make it financially. Just no way. I can do the dorms and I can make the tuition fit within what my financial aide award gives, but I have nothing left over (budget cuts killed me for next year). My grades suffered when I broke my leg and I lost a scholarship.

Thanks for listening.

June 8th Comment

2010-06-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I'm not very good at is keeping up with the comments on this blog. There are times when I wonder if I should get someone to help me moderate comments and close the comments to registered users. I don't want to go this route because I think that it can generate other problems. When bloggers close the comments to approved comments only, it seems to slow down the flow of discussion between other people. This blog is here for a few reasons, one of which is to allow people an open discussion of ATI, QF, Patriarchy and sub-subjects relating to these, without having a net-nanny supervising. Another problem with moderating comments is what seems to be the backlash where people accuse the moderator(s) of picking and choosing. I don't want that to happen here. Last of all - I'm horrible at keeping up with the comments that roll in on this page. I'll be honest - there are times when I don't check my e-mail for days or weeks. Especially with the nanny job I have now and school - I don't think I should be online when I'm on the clock and when I'm not on the clock, I'm prepping for school by pre-reading some of my texts.

It happens, then, that occasionally I miss things that happen in comments.

On June 8th, someone left these comments on this post.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "19 Kids and Counting...":

Well I know that I'm not the only person who loves this family very much. I think it is their decision and their right to have as many kids as they want to. In fact,if they do decide to have more children then so be it. What right does anyone have to say that they should stop having children if that's what they want to do? Besides,the other children are always VERY happy when Michelle says "I'm pregnant"!! SO MAYBE YOU ALL SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!None of you would appreciate being talked about either so please just stop it. I mean come on people.

A few minutes later,
I posted the "everyone mind your own business",and I forgot to say that Ruth is begging for money and doesn't have a TV show or 19 kids so why in the world would I give her any money? Are you going to give me some Ruth?!!
No I didn't think so.....get a job and stop begging bitch!!!!

I would have greater respect for people who signed in to leave these comments. I know there are people who dislike my candor with this blog or people who doubt my story. With the recent rash of sick people who start fake blogs to capitalize on bad situations, I understand doubting sorts who question every new blog. I'm not talking to those people. I'm talking to the person who left these comments on my blog - if you really want me to take you seriously, why are you remaining anonymous? What harm could I cause you and if you are so sure I'm wrong or scamming people, why won't you make your identity known? I've been very clear about my reasons for using caution with my identity. What is your reason? If you're right, you'll be a hero for standing up to me.

@Anonymous- if you love the Duggars, that is your choice. I don't have a problem with that. You must not have read my blog very carefully, if you read it at all (beyond that post) becuase you would see that I haven't been harsh about the Duggars. When I question something they do, I explain myself and try to remain as objective as I can. It may come as a surprise to you when I say that I don't hate them. I think they do some things "right". Just like you don't like everything I say or condone my way of life, I take issue with aspects of their life. You don't have to like it. I don't promote my blog on "anti-Duggar" sites and I don't go out of my way to "talk about them". If there's something that they do that relates to my life and experience, I refer to them the same way a pro-QF family would use their exploits to highlight their similarities. I read a blog where a woman wrote a blog post about the Duggars because they use the same Maxwell program (Masters of their Chores). Are you saying it's okay to talk about the Duggars as long as you agree with their choices? The Duggars have made themselves representatives of this lifestyle. Like it or not, bloggers will relate to them positively AND negatively. That doesn't give you the right to police the internet and defend them blindly.

I think it is their decision and their right to have as many kids as they want to. In fact,if they do decide to have more children then so be it.
It is their decision, obviously. You are right. If they decide to have more children, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I wouldn't try to stop them. I am allowed to express my opinion, like you have here, that what Michelle is doing has consequences and while it is their decision to make, we can discuss those consequences and express our displeasure with their choice. You should recognize the gesture since you decided to express your displeasure with my choice to blog about them.

What right does anyone have to say that they should stop having children if that's what they want to do?
We have every right to say that they shouldn't have more children. What we don't have a right to do is to stop them, through physical or legal means, from having more children. You're confusing the right to disagree with the right to prevent.
Besides,the other children are always VERY happy when Michelle says "I'm pregnant"!!
I have a few things to say about this.
Number one, unless you know these children personally and have probed their emotions and brains for evidence beyond what is televised, you are operating as an armchair quarterback, much as we are. If you don't know them, then you are just as unqualified to speak to their happiness as we are to speak to their unhappiness.
Number two, I have never said they are unhappy with their family's growth. Doing so would mean speaking for them and I won't do that (as you're doing). As a child, I too was excited about my mom having more children. I also know that I didn't have the opportunity to express displeasure with every announcement and I think that may be the case with the Duggar children. What other option would they have? Let's say that Jinger was unhappy with the news. What would she be able to do and would the production company really show the footage of her bad reaction? They, the production company, are selling a brand - a happy, mega family brand.
SO MAYBE YOU ALL SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!
Are you blind to the irony of your statement? You're doing just that.
Maybe you should not read this blog or the blogs of others who find reason to questio the Duggars choices if it offends you so deeply. Maybe you should take your own advice.
None of you would appreciate being talked about either so please just stop it. I mean come on people.
I assume you're saying that none of us would like being talked about in a negative sense. You don't seem to have a problem talking about the Duggars or reading pro-Duggar sites. Isn't that "talking about" the Duggars? What I think you're saying is that none of us would appreciate being criticized and that's true to a certain extent. If the Duggars didn't want to be talked about, they shouldn't have okayed a tv show. What I know is that the Duggars relish discussion about them because they've been very upfront about their purpose - to encourage people to look at their lifestyle and ask if it's a lifestyle for them to adopt. The Duggars are using the show to promote QF (they admit this). Most reasonable people know that promoting something on television will promote discussion and that that discussion might include debate or criticism.
I know that my blog will also encourage discussion about ATI. I also realize that it may make some people question my veracity or question my experiences. That's the chance I take. Clearly, I've allowed you to voice your criticism of this blog.
You're talking about me and go on to say nasty things about me while simultaneously tellin other people to stop doing exactly what you're doing.

I posted the "everyone mind your own business",and I forgot to say that Ruth is begging for money and doesn't have a TV show or 19 kids so why in the world would I give her any money?
I am not begging for money. Put your "money where your mouth is" and point out where I have begged for money! If you're going to make such accusations, back them up. I have never asked you or anyone to contribute to my finances. You are lying. You are correct - I don't have a show. That would contradict my desire for privacy in certain aspects of my life. The Duggars don't have paypal links on their website, true. But can you honestly say that they're not financially benefitting from selling their family for their story? Why is it more respectable, in your opinoin, to gain financially (especially when you claim to not need the money as you're financially free)from telling a life story on television than it is to give readers an OPTION TO DONATE MONEY from a written life story?

Are you going to give me some Ruth?!!
No I didn't think so.....get a job and stop begging bitch!!!!
If you have a need, it would be my duty (given my personal morals and ethics) to help you. Just send me your e-mail address and I will paypal you whatever I can to help you.
I have a job. I'm not begging. Please, I say in all sincerity, post your address or e-mail me so I can help you if you need it.

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

I love my nanny job. I love the family I'm working for. They're everything my imagination craves in a family. Right now, we are on a weekend holiday at the beach for Father's Day and as I watched the boys' father open the small gifts I helped the boys make, I starting to cry a little. This father loves his sons unconditionally. He loved the handmade gifts just as much as the gifts his wife had purchased. This father poured over the details of the bookmark his son made him. He gathered both boys in his arms and praised them out loud. He crumpled their curly hair and kissed their pink cheeks without raising an eye to the rest of the world. When the gifts were done and I offered to take the boys down to the beach, he stopped me and said "It's Father's Day, Ruth! I'll handle it." and grabbed their towels and buckets from me and walked down the stairs to help the boys build castles. It's so idyllic it makes me wonder if I'm not part of a Lifetime movie. This is fatherhood.

To my father- you were not our "dad". You didn't love - you ruled. Unless others were around, you never touched us gently or tucked us in. You didn't build me a sandcastle - you worried about our swimsuits and made us self-conscious at the beach. You were so busy being righteous - you forgot to be our dad. I pray that you realize what you've done and do it differently with Blessing. She deserves a daddy. She already has a ruler and it's not you. Happy Father's Day.

Questions

2010-06-12T15:28:00.001-07:00

Jennifer Corado said...
How is infertility viewed in the ATI community? Do couples undergo testing or treatment, or is it viewed as maybe a punishment from God? Does there appear to be more blame (as subtle as it might me) toward the woman? Has it ever caused divorce?

It depends on the couple. We're just now starting to see the second generation of ATI take off. Before this generation, most people who went into ATI had children when they started (it's, after all, a homeschooling curriculum). Now you have those children having children and I think there are some things to consider. Most ATI families marry their girls young. The younger you are, the greater your fertility. This eliminates some of the "worldly" age-based, infertility problems. I've also heard, and I could be ignorant or badly informed, that the more sexual partners you have, the greater your chance of STDS and the greater your risk of infertility as a result. Since ATI kids don't have pre-marital sex or multiple partners, there's less risk of infertility. I'm sure it's happened (an infertile second-generation ATI couple) but they really don't talk about it if it does happen and they can't become ATI or QF unless they have children so that would sway the results. Until a couple has children of their own, they won't be ATI so the question is moot really. If a couple were planning to be ATI and ran into infertility, then they'd likely keep it very private. There's nothing outwardly preventing them from seeking treatment. Adoption won't prevent them from joining ATI after the fact but it might make the application process more difficult. God's plan, in ATI's eyes, is for couples to be fruitful and multiply and accept children as a blessing from the Lord in His perfect timing. A couple might interpret that a number of ways, maybe including that God's timing includes infertility treatments. I think you'd be hardpressed to find an ATI/QF goal oriented couple who would interpret God's will or plan to mean they should stay infertile. It's a contradiction of sorts.

About the blame, that's also something that would depend on the couple or their family. There are certain "sins" to which the infertility would be assuredly blamed on the couple. One would be if they EVER used birth control methods. God would be punishing/testing their will for not trusting Him. It's really hard to answer this question because this stuff is kept so hush-hush when it does happen. We knew people who had secondary infertility, after several children, and the mom blamed herself for breaking the modesty commandments of the Bible. That doesn't mean God was punishing her but it's how she interpreted it.

Vyckie Garrison from NLQ would be a better person to ask about QF/ATI/VF divorce rates. I don't know enough about that.

Networking

2010-06-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

Networking is the key to ATI's mission. When I was knee-deep in it, it didn't occur to me that that was what our life was about. Now that I'm out, I see it for what it is.

As a kid, I was taught to be an ambassador for Jesus/God. Every move I made, every word I spoke, every thought it my head was a testimony to Jesus Christ. I was taught to be publicly charming and self-less (JOY). The goal in this, on the surface, was to be that perfect presentation of a young lady in Christ. In reality, I was a recruiter. Parents who saw my family and the way us children behaved would have to ask themselves if their children could ever be so controlled and self-less. My parents would gladly tell them that it was a possibility...if they would just give themselves over to the Lord and familiarize themselves with this program they knew. If that family was interested, numbers were exchanged and there would be an invitation extended for them to come to our home for a barbeque. The house was spotless, the children were spotless, the grounds were spotless and we all JOYfully hosted the family. We'd take the younger children from the visiting family and keep them so occupied and focused that the adults could forget they even had children and focus on listening to dad and mom sell this lifestyle. They'd encourage them through "Christian fellowship" to seek out and pray for the guidance to make the appropriate sacrifices (maybe a paycheck so mom could stay home, maybe pants for modesty's sake, maybe family planning so there'd be more "flowers", maybe public school). If the family joined up, the next phase kicked in and that was encouraging them to think of others to pass this fantastic way of life on to. Who did they know that could be prepared to accept these "truths"? If the family had international connections, my dad was especially interested and if other members knew a new family with ic's, they'd call my dad. The international connection was important for exploring international growth. Sounds like a company, right? More and more I feel like my childhood wasn't a religion as much as it was a business. We were in the business of growing a corporation and a brand. That's sad.

Conflict

2010-06-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

Harris and I had an argument this weekend. In normal relationships, with normal, emotionally stable, that wouldn't be a big deal. Since this is really my first, mutual relationship, it took on it's own life (in my head). My parents didn't fight. It wasn't allowed, you could say. If my mother disagreed with something my father said or did, she kept her mouth shut. That's what I learned. It's the temptation I fight whenever I disagree with Harris (or anyone) and this weekend it started out the same. It was just that on this one point, even though my history was telling me to keep quiet, I reacted. Once I reacted, it felt so good I kept reacting until I was no longer reacting to the thing I was angry about. St. Harris figured that out before I did and physically left me to work it out on my own. Later, he said he was kind of glad that we'd fought and that it was "out of the way". Never in my life had I ever thought of arguing as a way to work things out because in my ATI experiences - you just go along with whatever you're dealt, as a woman/partner. The emphasis is on keeping sweet and non-conflict to the point that conflict becomes a dirty word. That's doing everyone a disservice. Conflict can be good. I think men like my father hide behind ATI/QF/Patriarchy because they can't deal with conflict. It's much easier for them to dominate by imaginary divine right. Anyway, it was just something I thought of.

That's the end of that babble.

My sister went back home. It's really hard for me to admit that because it hurts. It's her decision and I know that logically. She wasn't ready to be away - that's what I tell myself. She's still so young. My dad sent my mom, with Blessing, and another ATI family mom to get her. I wish there was more I could do.

Edit to add to this post:
Yes. I have heard that some are again doubting my story. It's their choice to doubt or believe. I'm not going to try to force them to believe or read this blog because that's not my job. The internet has people who attempt to hoax - people have been burned. I don't blame the people who question everything. It's probably the best position to take. What else can I say? If I got angry or tried to prove myself more than I have or am comfortable doing then I'm doing what I've done my whole life - letting others control me. I'm happy with my life and with the blog as it is. That's all. Thank you for making me aware.

No title

2010-05-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have a spare moment before I go back to my study-coma.

I have received e-mails asking me what I think the Duggar bombshell will be. I suspect that they're going to take a hiatus for the summer and get Josie's weight up and get her home with home health care. I have heard that she can't withstand the surgeries/anasthesia she needs until she puts on some weight so I would guess the goal is to get her to bulk up a little. While they're doing this, they probably will be tied to the house more than makes interesting television. I predict that the show will start back up when the drama from Josie's surgery commences and JD and Jana get back from the missionary service in Asia. I also suspect that there's a number 20 on the way, but I don't want to say why yet.

My life has been crazy. I really enjoyed spending time with my brother...and my sister (she's 17). Yes, that's right for those who paid attention...once of my sisters left my dad's house and flew out here with my brother to be placed in a safe house. This only leaves Rani and Blessing to worry about (at most). While I'm happy about that, I'm nervous about how dad will react to all of this change in his life.

My sister left with nothing and needs clothes and food. If any of my generous donors would be willing to contribute to getting her started in life and registered in school, I will serve as the go between for ideas.

I got my cast off and start physical therapy this week. My leg is clammy and yuck.

The boys I will be nannying for are great kids. I look forward to spending time with them. Anything else I can answer?

My Brother's Visit

2010-05-18T15:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't update or check-in. My brother moved up his visit and we've spent the last several days visiting in between my studying for finals and writing papers.

Over the last several months, there have been comments and e-mails asking about life in ATI from the male POV. My brother took the time to answer some of your questions and we're posting them here. If you have more, he will be online tonight while I'm in class and studying.

Jennifer asked - Were your brothers favored by your father?
Sam replies - My dad was very strict with the boys, it seemed like he was more strict with us than he was with the girls. Our lives were regimented to the smallest detail. I always thought my dad loved us like a drill sergeant loves a recruit. When we did as he asked, we were his pride and joy. Then when we cut-up and acted out, we were punished severely. He would hit us boys openly but not hit the girls.

Does he treat the boys who left differently from Ruth? Why or why not?
He treats me better than Ruth because I was involved in a business with him until just recently. He sees my leaving as different than Ruth's because I left quietly and my marriage resulted from the courting process. Ruth broke all his rules. The truth is Ruth is braver than all us combined. When she left she embarassed him. She did the right thing for her and I will always stand behind her, it's still true that she laid his reputation on the line by exiting when and how she did and he can't get over her defiance.

Why did the brother who left ATI leave?
I was never into it. I don't believe in dominionism and I don't care for Bill Gothard. I wouldn't raise my family under patriarchy or that brand of Christianity.

Apologies

2010-05-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I should have the next oart of the story up within the next week. School is crazy with prepping for finals and packing for summer. I'm going to spend two days with the family that I'm nannying for next weekend. I really feel bad for neglecting this blog but I have been doing my private entries for therapy. Therapy is intense as we are starting to deal with my feelings about being neglected by BOTH parents. Yes, I am starting to have anger toward my mom and that results in guilt. My brother is coming out to see me in two weeks and has agreed to see the therapist with me.

One of my brothers got married last week. His bride is just eighteen. She's from a fully QF/ATI family. I can't believe he's married. They had wedding guests donate money towards expanding the house my brother built for a nursery. I can't, but I can, believe it.

Quick update

2010-04-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've been crazy busy with school and gaven't had much time to be online. I do want to discuss something that was blogged about me and e-mailed to me by a few of you.

Some "stranger" blogged my identity and erased it 48 hours later. If you saw this blog that was created just to "expose me" (if you had razingruth in a daily google search, you might have seen what I am talking about), I am asking you keep it to yourself and not repost my name or address. The author of the site was almost certainly an old member of our home church. My dad, so I am told, was even more worried than I am about my name being given and therefore linking my story to him and he asked the author to remove the information. I won't lie- the things this person said about my leaving my family had grains of truth. I did write my dad asking for money (sort of). I sent him a registered letter, that legal aid helped me draft, inquiring about my inheritance from a familly member who passed away. The deceased supposedly left an amount to be divided between all us kids and I never saw it. I did not "beg" my dad for cash or threaten to wrongfully sue him if he didn't "pay up". I also didn't sleep around- that is not why I broke my engagement. I'll explain what happened in time.

Yes, I am struggling financially but I never threatened to blackmail my dad!
Thank you to those who alerted me to this.

GOT IT!

2010-04-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of your fine suggestions, I got a job!

Technically, I don't get paid so I don't know if it's a "job", but I get room, board, a gas allowance and car to use, and spending money for activities with the kids. It's perfect. I was hoping to make a little money for the coming year but this will do fine (beggars can't be choosers).

The family has two children (ages 10 and 11) that will be my responsibility. The kids love to be outdoors (a definite plus!). I'll be "on the clock" Sunday night through Friday afternoon, with weekends off, unless I want to accompany the family on weekend trips. I go with them on the two week vacation, too! They have an "extra car" (that sounds so extravagant) which will be mine to shuffle the kids around in or take them on fun outings. Best of all, they may want to use me during spring breaks and winter breaks if all goes well. I'm so excited.

Now - do I tell them about my history or my blog or would those be considered "personal"?

Interview with a gimp

2010-04-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

Interviewing for jobs when you're on crutches does not inspire confidence in your potential employer. I went on two interviews this week and didn't get either job. They were a nannying position and a library assistant. I didn't expect to land the library assistant spot because it required "paid experience" and I have volunteer experience. Between leaving my home and coming here, I babysat, so I thought I had the nanny job sewed up and in the bag. They went with another girl who was younger and "could keep up with the children better".

There was another strange comment she made that made me want to ask your opinions. The mom and dad were only a year older than me. When the mom called me to tell me they went with the other girl (which was nice of her to call me), I asked her what I might be able to do to improve my next interview if she didn't mind telling me. She said it was the leg and that I had made her uncomfortable by the way I spoke to her husband. I don't know how I spoke to him that made her uncomfortable! I was polite and that's all. I didn't flirt or find him attractive in any way - I have Harris. That's a strange thing to say isn't it?

Back to the summer job hunt. I have one more nanny interview and I want it to go well so I would appreciate all the feedback I can get. It's a summer only job with a family of five kids. I want to mention my background without mentioning the QF. Should I do that? What can I do to downplay the cast?

FAQ

2010-04-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a series break to let NLQ catch up. Speaking of that, everyone please pray (if you pray) and think of (if you want to) for Vyckie's daughter Angel. She's had a rough week and could probably use the support. Vyckie, too!

Since I'm taking a series break, this would be the time or place to ask any questions you have.

Part 16 - Puberty

2010-04-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

(Note: This is not a post about "sex" or purity. This is a post about how my journey into puberty occurred. I'll get to the purity stuff later.)

Discretion vs. Simplemindedness
The ability to avoid words, actions, and attitudes which could result in undesirable consequences (Proverbs 22:3)- Bill Gothard

My body started developing secondary sex traits very early. By the time I was ten, I had breast buds and needed a training bra. What might surprise some is the fact that my mother and father saw this and immediately set about taking me to the thrift store to find some training bras. Yes, much to my embarassmenmt, my father went along for the purchase. It was humiliating to have the entire family standing outside the fitting room while my mother handed bra after bra over the partition for me to try on. When I found one that fit, she loudly announced the size to my entire family so they could search the racks. It's one of the subtle hypocrisies of my family: your body was supposed to be a highly personal, spiritual thing, but because of reasons I'll state below, it wasn't kept private.

I also started having body odor and a need to shave my armpits a year later. This was problematic because, unless you were a boy, there wasn't room in the budget for antipersperant or razors. I realized that I smelled gamey so I took to stealing my mother's deodorant on the sly. The razors were a bit more difficult. My father ran the boys' lives like a prison warden. To get a new razor, they had to leave the used one on his sink. He would look it over and decide if it was dull enough to require a new one and then leave the new one in their plastic basket under the bathroom sink. They were in charge of their razors and since my father hated wasting money, they were encouraged to use them until it cut their faces from dullness. If they went through more than a certain quantity every month, it was discussed during family time.

I wasn't allowed, technically, to shave. Anything. My mother wasn't allowed to shave anything, either. Dad decreed that god put that hair on our bodies for a reason and he didn't see why women should shave at all. I always wanted to ask him why men should shave, then, given the biblical justification for growing a beard and applying the same standard of "God put it there" rationalization to men. I never did ask. I did, however, start sneaking razors from the homes of people we visited and I'd hide them around the house, in places most people wouldn't think to look. I just wasn't comfortable with having hair under my arms and, at a certain point, I didn't like it on my legs. When it started growing on my pelvic area, I was in a panic! That hair stood for something I didn't want to think about. It was an outward symbol that my childhood was coming to a close and in ATI-fundamental-QF circles, that had broader implications. Consequently, for about a year, I butchered my pubic hair in uneducated attempts to get rid of it. I plucked it. I shaved it. I did anything to try to stop it's inevitable appearance or spread. One afternoon, I hadn't been so careful after my shower and I left some of the evidence in the bottom of the bathtub. One of my brothers saw it and told my father. He punished me publicly with the "rod". I was humiliated.

My period started when I was thirteen. I had been feeling very crampy and grumpy for several days. It was so uncomfortable that I had told my mother I thought I was ill. I had snapped at a younger brother for something petty and my mom reminded me of the JOY principle. In our house, there was no room for PMS. That evening, when I was changing into my nightgown, I saw the blood in my underwear. Once again, panic set in. I had no older sisters and my mother's idea of educating me on my own body was limited to telling me the rudimentarily how babies were made. She'd neglected to tell me about how painful a period could be or how much blood there would be. I knew that periods existed because I'd seen her sanitary napkins and been with her when she bought them. I'd seen the calendar and the dots marking the start and end of her flow. I knew about planning intercourse around ovulation. It was the physical experience of it that had never been discussed. I shoved my dirty underwear in the fireplace when no one was looking and shoved tissue into my new undies to keep from telling anyone about my new "womanhood". I went to bed.

As you might guess, this didn't go well. When I woke up the next morning, my nightgown and bedsheet were bloody. I didn't have time to hide the evidence. My younger sister woke up and started screaming when she saw the blood. My father ran into our room and shook uncontrolably. Seeing the sheets, he assumed I'd "defiled my body". I am still shocked that this was his first impression. Rather than seeing his teenage daughter standing there in obvious shock and terror and putting two-and-two together, he assumed I'd somehow snuck someone into my room and had sex! My mother followed my sisters screams and my father's shouts into my room. She, fortunately, recognized the look of confusion on my face and calmed my father into reason. It was like a light switched on in his head and his mood changed in an instant. He was now congratulating me and smiling ear to ear. Telling me we'd have a "special lunch" later in the week to "celebrate". That was the last thing I wanted to do but I didn't have the strength to argue after the shock of the morning.

My mother helped me clean up and it was business as usual until that evening when my dad handed me a marker and proudly, almost, told me to mark the day on the calendar with a "pink dot". Mom's dots were red. I was horrified. He meant for me to keep track of this publicly? In front of my brothers? But what could I do except obey him and walk to the calendar to "place my dot of womanhood"? The following day, he and my mother took me out to lunch and explained menstruation to me. It was one of the most humiliating days of my life but it didn't stop at menstruation. I was subsequently informed of my status as a woman, now, and how I should start praying for the "one God had for me" and thinking about the type of mother I'd be.

Part 15 - Hypocrisy

2010-04-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sincerity vs. Hypocrisy
Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives (I Peter 1:22) - Bill Gothard

Sincerity? - My dad was very careful about our public image. Most ATI patriarchs are. Though we didn't go out in public very often, and certainly we never went out alone, when we did go out, we were dressed and pressed. My sisters and I were required to have long hair. This hair was not allowed to be braided, however, because that was un-Biblical. Usually, our hair was curled on rag rollers or sponge rollers and left to fall down in curls. The boys had high and tight, ALERT regulation cuts.

The girls in my family wore dresses only, until we reached the age of ten, at which point we could wear skirts and tops. The boys wore pants and polo tops. No t-shirts were allowed for either sex (if we were in the public eye). If you were in a t-shirt, you were most likely male and in bed or wore it under something else. Us girls had to wear full underwear; bloomers, underpants, undershirts, and bras.

Hypocrisy: One of Gothard's teachings was that one shouldn't be overly concerned with appearance. The first time I heard Mr. Gothard say that on a retreat, I was dumbfounded. What? We're not supposed to spend much time worrying about our appearance...but we have to make sure we don't violate all these rules for dressing and appearance?

Sincerity? - We were taught that the sins of the father carried over to the child. That's partly why my dad was so concerned about our public image and remains concerned about our actions now. He sincerely believes that our actions reflect his sins. The more we stray outside the lines, the worse his sins must've been. This is why adoption isn't utilized in ATI families. I knew one family that experienced a horrible tragedy. Mom and dad were killed in a car accident and they had two children. The Aunt and Uncle of the children were ATI and ended up being named guardians of the children. They asked Bill Gothard if they should formally adopt the children and the answer was "no". Gothard allegedly told them that adopting the children formally would upset the "birth order" and be a lie. The lie being that the children weren't really the fruit of the marriage and these children bore the sins of their father, not the adoptive father and mother. We heard, from the couple, that Bill advised them to find another placement for the children and if they couldn't, to maintain the guardianship, but not formally adopt.

Hypocrisy - Gothard's ministries include ministering to orphanages. You go and spend a week or more encouraging these orphan children into "building bonds with the Lord" rather than building bonds with other humans and potentially finding parents. Why go to orphanage at all if you believe the children are flawed with the sins of their parents? Why encourage people to go if you won't counsel them to adopt?

Sincerity? - Homeschooling is a requirement for ATI. That's the point of the community - a group of people who believe in Gothard's method for education (The Advanced Training Institute) and spiritual path. Public schools are supposedly so evil that you're not even allowed to play on a public school playground unless there's absolutely nowhere else to play. Until you're deemed to be of an age or maturity level that you can distinguish "right living from wrong living", you're not allowed to associate with publicly educated children outside your own extended family (and even that is supervised).

Hypocrisy - Bill Gothard makes millions off of public schools through "Character First!". Character First is a biblically based character instruction program used in thousands of schools. I've read that it's eve mandatory in some states! Bill Gothard is a business man. He must have realized that selling curriculum to fundamental homeschooling families would never be the cash cow that is the public school system. Instead of following his own, skewed interpretation of being "equally yoked", he takes money from public schools and public school children. Is this ethical?

I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said elsewhere. I'm just starting to realize that there were so many hypocrisies in my life and it makes me mad. Next stop- puberty!

Part 14 - Birthdays

2010-04-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Sensitivity vs. Callousness
Exercising my senses so I can perceive the true spirit and emotions of those around me (Romans 12:15) - Bill Gothard's Character Traits
Before I talk about my own experience, I want to talk about birthdays, in this movement, as a whole.

Birthdays in a Gothard family can vary wide and deep. The level of celebration depends on several things. First, how deep into Gothardism the family is and when they came in. Second, how many children the family currently has. Third, the level of legalism they adhear to. For some families, birthdays were spent in a very normal way, with friends and family, with gifts and cake. Our family was different - we were a Charter Family.

When us older kids were very small, our birthdays were nice occasions. Usually, someone from the community would come over and my mom would fix a nice lunch. We'd have a birthday cake and receive presents. Somewhere around 1987, my father read a lecture by Mr. Gothard and had an epiphany. Birthdays, he decided, weren't spiritually appropriate, as they had been celebrated and were being celebrated by "others". Like a lot of things, he felt we had to separate ourselves from the worldliness of society to be doing the right thing.

According to my father and other father's in our ATI community, it was decided that birthdays should be an acknowledgement of your gift of life and a rededication to your service and purpose for the Lord. No cakes were necessary. Just a pat on the shoulder or hug, followed by a lunch or dinner with mom and dad where they talked to you about your beliefs anda your future. I won't lie. It was something I did look forward to because time alone with my parents was a luxury rarely available. However, when I would see other families having big birthdays in the park, I was jealous. My mom, as I've said before, didn't like it much either. She felt that that kind of celebration may be appropriate for a much older child but she argued that little children should at least have cake and a gift. My parents battled on this. It was my mom's mission to make sure we each had this small trinket and a cake.

Dad finally realized that, not being home much of the time, he was going to have to let this one go. He gave my mother permission to "handle" our birthdays- but he gave her "limits". We could have a cake, but it had to be a cup cake. We could have a gift, but it had to be something useful in our life or useful in our future. Recently my brother and I compared our birthday lists for fun. Over the years when I was home, I received - a hope chest, a lace table cloth, a tea pot, my grandmother's quilt, an apron, a family bible, a picture frame, and -one "toy"- a small doll crib for my rag doll. My brother's girts were- a small tool set, a Mag-Lite flashlight, an adult Bible, money to put in his savings, a saw, and later a repair book for cars. Those are the things we remember.

My mom would bring in our cupcakes or cakes at lunch. We'd break from play or homeschool to gather around the table and sing. We sang the regular birthday song until someone taught us the Christian birthday songs that started the rounds in our community. Only the birthday child got the cake and this got ugly at times. We were all supposed to be gracious and happy for the birthday boy or girl but most of the time we just wanted to steal their cupcake! Sweets weren't allowed in our house and it was a prize.

Am I real?

2010-04-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Posting about my leg set off alarm bells for some people. Reading my blog with a critical mind, I can see how it looks and I don't blame people for their doubt. It seems like I just got over the throat sugery and now it's a broken leg. Right. I haven't been around the internet long enough to know about all the scamming that happens so I guess it's common for people who are scamming to use injuries or illness to try to get money. I don't ever want people to think that's why I posted about my leg. This is what I was afraid of when I put up the tip jar. It complicates things because people stop believing you if there's a financial incentive. This is my blog for venting and getting out all the things that were wrong for me with ATI and fundamentalism ala Bill Gothard. That's what is important.

This is the repost of what I said at Freejinger.
I'm not offended at all. If I read my story and the lack of wanting to "come out" I'd be wondering if the blogger was real. I don't know what to say. It's okay if you doubt me and the truth of my blog. That's what I tell people to do don't I? You should have reasons to follow or trust the people your expected to follow or trust. If you want to read my blog then you're welcome to, if you don't want to read my blog don't read it. That's why I don't advertise it. I'm not the only person who grew up in ATI with a blog. Some people had great experiences and you should read them too and then form your opinion on this breed of fundamentalism.

The tip jar was what I knew would make people suspect and I'm taking it down because it's not what the blog was about.

Added-
There is something that was brought up in freejinger that made me wonder about blogger. Is there a way to block certain commenters on blogger? I don't really like my dad, if it's always him, getting his digs in but I didn't know I could screen his comments or block him. I know I can set comments to a setting where I have to screen them all before allowing them but that seems like a lot of work and I'm not online often enough to keep comments flowing. Is there a better way?

I am 26

2010-04-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

My phone rang very early this AM. My family not being in the same time zone occasionally causes early calls. It was my brother wishing me a happy birthday and calling to check in on me.

After that, my room was silent and I started thinking about my family. I miss them on days like today. Birthdays were something that my mom always did right. While we, technically, weren't supposed to spend too much energy or emotion in observing them (it could detract your focus from Jesus), my mom would always say that there was no better way to celebrate a Creator than celebrating His creations. She and my father would have these huge arguments around our birthdays and it was really the only thing I ever saw her argue with him about - she wasn't submissive on this issue. I didn't really understand why, of all the things she could've debated him on, it was our birtdays that really made her step outside of that submissive veil. I think I'm beginning to get it.

I think it was the one area where she felt like she had some authority. It was she that had gone through the nine months of pregnancy (or less/more). She suffered the depression and the births and the recoveries. She breastfed us and cared for us almost exclusively. She watched us hit all of those milestones and birthdays and they were probably just as much her celebrations as ours.

I haven't spoke to my mom in weeks and if she's reading this, as I suspect she is, I want to say this to her.
MOM, I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU. Even if you can't wrap your head around it right now, I'm doing all of this for all of us. Thank you for giving me life and thank you for the cupcakes. I'll try to find one today and I'll think of you while I eat it. I love you. - Ruth

Pink Casts

2010-03-30T11:16:00.001-07:00

I love hiking. It's a good release for me and it gets me outside which helps my depression. Unfortunately, I am clumsy! I left Friday for a two nighter. We went up near the Needles. We had a blast, for a winter hike. One of the group's members tests new technology for REI so we were very comfortable. The last day of our trek, the same guy decided he wanted to try out a new wet suit thing he'd bought so we went to Peppermint Creek. The lower part of the creek is a series of granite swimming holes. I wasn't getting in the water but I wanted to watch him try it so I jumped across the creek. It turned out to be a very bad idea because I slipped on some smooth, wet rock/ice and my left foot went into a space between two rocks. My body kept going with the momentum of my jump and my tibia and fibia cracked.

I have really bad luck or make very stupid decisions, maybe both.

The good news, if you want to call it that, is that I had to go to a County Hospital because that's where the medivac people took me and there was a great social worker there. When I explained my situation to her, she went to work yesterday and got me enrolled in a few programs to help with the bills and I'll only end up spending a few hundred for all of this (with a payment plan, even!). I'm really glad she was on duty when I came in because I think it's going to be okay financially.

In the meantime, I'm going to classes and I actually feel pretty good. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It's less painful than my throat surgery, go figure.

I just wanted to explain my absense from the blog. I'm sure I'll write more later because I won't be going anywhere beside class this week.

Part 14- Punctuality vs Tardiness

2010-03-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

This is Ruth-lite because, as I was glancing through the character qualities and trying to figure out what to write about this time, I realized that this topic would contain some humor.

Our family was religiously devoted to punctuality. Chalk it up to my father's obsessive-compulsive behavior or to it being one of our operational definitions but we were rarely tardy for anything. Unless, of course, it was a social function after a long road trip. Road trips were brutal and I imagine ours were no different than any other large family's.

We always started with good intentions. In my family, "wake up" time was usually 6:30am, so it wasn't hard to get up at four for road trips. Dad preferred to drive in the wee hours of morning so that the littlest kids would be asleep. We'd always pack in the week before the trip. Mom and I would be up to our necks in laundry because my father didn't believe in leaving dirty clothes untended for more than two days. We'd even get a cooler filled with snacks and drinks prepared so that we'd get our stops down to bathroom breaks. However, all of this preparation and good intention failed to deposit us at our destination by itenerary time.

Here are ten things that would inevitably go awry:
1. As I or mom buckled the smallest in their carseat, they would projectile vomit. It never failed. I don't know if it was because mom always nursed them as she gathered last minute things and then forgot to burp them properly or if it was the angle of the car seat...or maybe the baby had a glimpse of the hell that was to follow...but barf they always did. Back into the house we'd go to change the baby.
2. Despite the repeated and often angry warnings of my father to take a pit stop before we left, it was he who always needed to use the toilet one last time or ten minutes in to the trip.
3. "Did I leave the toaster oven on?" or "Did we set the timer?"
4. If we misbehaved in the car or argued, dad would pull to the side of the road and turn off the vehicle. He'd just sit there and glare in the rearview mirror. He'd tell mother to "handle it". This meant her turning around and warning the offender (if they hadn't shut up immediately when the car stopped). If they stopped, she'd mark a little mark on a dry erase board. For every mark we got on the trip, that was a swat we'd get when we arrived at the destination. If the offender ignored mother, and dad had to actually get out of the seat or say something, you were a dead man.
5. We were crammed into a van that dad had bought at an auction. Before we took ownership, it had been a floral delivery van. It had a stange smell on warm days. This smell made a few of us car sick. Not to mention, it had no rolling windows in the back. Someone would puke. We kept a bucket of this kitty litter type stuff that they use at amusement parks in the vehicle so that we could just sprinkle and sweep away the vomit.
6. When we did stop, two of the boys had a strange habit of taking off their shoes. Now, I think I know why. Their shoes were always hand-me-down and ill-fitting. I think they were just miserable in them and would take them off because walking in them was torture. In any case, we'd get a mile or two down the road and someone's shoe would be missing. We'd have to turn around and go back.
7. My dad never bought a new car. They were usually old and battered by the time we got them. As such, they would break down frequently and we'd get stuck.
8. If we travelled in our motorhome, towing the trailer, we'd end up driving so slow that semi trucks passed us and gestured feverishly at my father for going so slow.
9. My dad never checked maps or asked directions.
10. As us older kids got older, we realized that the trips were almost always an attempt to get us to take interest in a person in the family we were going to visit (as a courting prospect) and, I know I, stopped making these trips easy. I would purposefully distract my father or find a reason to make us stop.

And so, we were always tardy on road trips.

-Sorry this is a fluff piece but I'm going hiking this weekend. Have a great weekend.

Good memories

2010-03-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

I get forty emails a day on average. At least three of those will say something like, "Didn't you or don't you have any good memories of growing up QF?"

To be fair, I should answer it. I had planned to include some of the better days in my '49 parts', but I don't want to string people along. Without any further ado, I present five "good memories".

1. Joseph and Caleb made a "Ruth sandwich". - We had this sneaky game we'd play when we could get away with it. That was usually when dad wasn't around. Basically, it involved our hammock, two blankets, and wrapping three kids in said hammock. Joseph would be on the bottom, followed by me wrapped in a blanket, followed by Caleb in a blanket. We'd flip the hammock over so many times that we'd be sausaged in a hammock tube. It sounds stupid and kind of dangerous but it was a guaranteed giggle inducer.

2. I remember when Rebekkah moved into my room in 91. I was about seven. I'd been in my own room for so long that it freaked me out a little to know that I'd be getting company. When dad rolled her basinet into my room and put it next to my bed, I was freaked out. But, that first night, after mom tucked me in and put Becs' to bed, the lights were dimmed. Out of instinct of whatever, I started reading a poem book outloud to her and she gave me her first smile. For the nedxt two years, before Rachel, I truly enjoyed raising Becca'. She was my baby.

3, When Eli, Joseph, myself, Caleb, Matt and Luke, and Rachel caught chicken pocks. We were miserable = but we had company in our misery. We got the pox in summer time, so we turned our front lawn into a series of tents and sun porches..

4. Shopping for Becca's layette.

5. Taking Rani and Rachel shopping.

You asked for it.

2010-03-21T19:09:00.001-07:00

QF/ATI One-Ups-man-ship.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/6294077

49 Character Qualities of Ruth, Part 12

2010-03-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Hospitality vs. Loneliness
Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, and spiritual refreshment with those whom God brings into my life (Hebrews 13:2)-Bill Gothard's Characte Traits

The older I got, the more responsibilities I was given. When I last left my mother's list of progeny, she'd just had me (I think). In 1986, she had "Caleb". In 1988, she had twin boys, "Matthew" and "Luke". We called them the Dynamic Duo because they were never still and would go on to win the "most like to end up in the emergency room" award. After the twins were born, my father started travelling alot and my mother had a miscarriage, so it was three years before "Becca" was born, in 1991. All of the children after me were "my charges"/buddies.

1993 was a monumental year for my family...and for me.

Very early on in the year, one of my maternal grandparent's died. The other followed shortly after. We'd moved back to the South by that point and it fell to my mother to plan and host her parent's funerals. She, as it happened, was pregnant with Rachel. By default, the hospitality planning fell to me. Until now, I never realized just how bizarre it was for grown people to pass off the responsibility for hosting a wake to a nine year old child. I'd like to say that my parents must have been doing something right, or that I was preternaturally mature, because I pulled it off.

One of the training sessions that all girls attend in ATI camps involves hospitality. You learn the general rules of hospitality and meal planning for large groups. You learn how to "have a listening heart" and an "anticipating JOY-ful spirit". Translated: you learn how to listen for small clues regarding the needs of your guests and you try to stay one step ahead of them in providing for those needs. I flew around our house in full QF-Queen mode. I didn't even go to the graveside service because I was instructed to stay home and prep for the gathering that would follow.

My mother was devestated by the loss of her parents in such a short span of time. Between the bad blood of the past and my father's imposed distancing, she had limited contact with her parents. They, not wanting to walk away completely, decided to focus on forging relationships, as they could, with their grandchildren. I think they figured that, perhaps, they could help us where they couldn't help my mom. Their estate was given to my mother, who was supposed to divide it up for her children. In reality, they might as well have written my father's name on the will because he was the ultimate decision maker when it came to finances. The money was put into "dowry accounts" for us girls and put into "start up accounts" for the boys. I've never seen my dowry account. I've been told that my dad withdrew the money and put it into a business endeavor for my brother.

I digress. By the time I turned ten, I was capable of running the house. If we had visitors, which we often did, I could prepare all of the meals and prepare enough alternate bedding for us kids (our guests took our rooms). How did those visits shake down, you might wonder?

Usually, the other QF/ATI family would arrive and we'd immediately gather for prayers. One of the fathers would ask for God's blessing on the fellowship. As we all got older, the fathers would ask God to open our eyes to "His Plan". I may be way off, but the manner in which they said this always made me hear this as "open your hearts and listen to the Lord because he may be presenting you kids with 'the one'". However, after this prayer, the segregating of the sexes was almost immediate. The female children would head to the kitchen to prep a meal. The males would head outside or to the pool table. The adults would go to the formal living room (if there was one) to "fellowship".

As much as ATI families try to stay humble and gracious, you couldn't help be feel and hear the vanity and one-upping.
Parents A: Our Ruthie can run a home better than her mother. Teehee.
Parents B: That's wonderful! What a blessing she must be. She would pair nicely with our Janey! Janey can single-handedly clothe our entire family with ten yards of re-claimed fabric.
Parents A: A blessing indeed! Praise God for his wisdom. You know, our Eli is already saving wood to build his bride a home.
Parnets B: He should talk with our John! John is carving his marital bed out of a single piece of maple he bought at an auction.
You get the idea.
Fellowship indeed.

Feeling better

2010-03-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

I've seen my therapist twice this week and I'm feeling better. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am very angry. Growing up the way I did, that's not an easy admission. Anger was considered a "selfish emotion". Never let the sun go down on your wrath and all of that. That might be a wise instruction- if you have a way to confront your anger in a managable, productive manner. I don't have that and it was never appropriate for me to show my anger, so now I'm having to find ways to show it and deal with it.

My dad will never apologize to me. If he does, it will be icing on the cake, but I'm not going to expect it. That doesn't change that fact that I am owed an apology!

I'm angry about a whole list of things but chief among those things is:
1. My childhood being abbreviated to serve the family.
2. My feelings being trivialized.
3. My pleas being ignored.
4. My individualism being sacrificed for the "greater good".
5. My education being sub par.
6. My father not loving us as he should have.

What I do about this anger is still up in the air. For me, just acknowledging it publicly is a huge step.

How do you channel your anger? I'm open to ideas.

ETA:
On NoLongerQuivering, someone asked about Lisa Welchel's version of the obedience game. LW, according to the poster, has written that she occasionally denies her children the permission to use the restroom. The commenter said, "Why would anyone do that?"

I can speak from experience. My parents did this, too. They claimed that it was about learning self control and denying your physical urges. The belief was that if you could withhold the urge to need a restroom, you could withhold the need to satiate other physical desires. I was told that it was part of purity training because, some day, we'd have to practice controlling our need to self-gratify sexually or have physical relations before marriage. It was also used to get us to do things under our parents command. We had a bathroom schedule. If you had to use the bathroom at other times, you were supposed to get express permission. Our parents were supposed to know everything we did, down to bathroom habits. Just in my house, we had timers in the bathroom. The door could never be locked and you couldn't spend more than two minutes in the bathrooom for urinating or defecating. Showers were five minutes and you had to have someone of the same sex in the room with you, sitting outside the shower, so that you weren't tempted to use that time for "unpure purposes". It didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time because I was usually helping a littler sister wash her hair or someone was getting themselves undressed for bathing while I was bathing. Now I see how crazy it was.

Is depression cyclical?

2010-03-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Can depression come in cycles? I think it must because I'm back in that dark place again. I have a nice guy. I'm making progress in school and with therapy, so I should be happy. Right? I should be. I have food in my belly and a place to live. I have friends (like you, readers).

Today, I started thinking about my dad's responses here and the things he's told my brothers about me. After I wrote Part 11, he went phone crazy and called each of my siblings, and I'm sure he questioned the siblings at home, to ask them about Martin. My dad was sure I was lying about the pantry incident. I guess he didn't get what he was bargaining for because my brother confirmed that Martin did inappropriate things with other kids he knew and my dad started accusing my brother of being 'poisoned' by my negativity. Now I'm poisonous?

A commenter said something like, "you probably picture your dad when you picture God" and she's right. I am having a hard time with my faith. I keep hoping that God has a purpose for the struggling people like me have experienced (and worse). That's really difficult to believe - that a god would punish people or make them suffer for His purposes. That depresses me. But I don't want to be one of those people who loses faith and belief because they're angry or confused. If I don't believe, I want to not believe based on better reasons than that.

I'm getting stressed about summer, too, and I know that's not helping. I'm going to miss Harris. I'm going to have to find a place to live, with roommates I guess. I neeed to find a job. I might nanny but I worry about how well I'll do with children.

I'm sorry for this post. It's mostly complaining. I hope you're all having a great day.

Part 11 - Perfect Victim

2010-03-13T14:26:00.001-08:00

Self Control vs. Self-indulgence
Instant obedience to the initial promptings of God’s Spirit (Galatians 5:24–25) - Bill Gothard

The training started when I was just a toddler. I don't remember who introduced it or how it was introduced. I just remember that, at certain points in the day, one of my parents would have us line up in the family room and begin barking commands. "Ruth, go to the table and sit in the chair. Stand up. Sit down. Sit on the floor. Move the chair. Come stand by me." It was common for one or two of the commands to not make sense. "Ruth, pick up that magazine and move it into the bathroom, but don't put it on the counter. Put it in the shower." The goal was to get us not to question the command or the logic of the instruction - the goal was immediate and unquestioned obedience. My mother never asked us to do anything "wrong" but my father would introduce "challenges" (as he called them). "Ruth, hit your brother." This contradicted our household rules. However, if I did not walk over and tap my brother on the arm, I would have to sit in time out. I can't tell you how common this "game" is in QF/ATI families.

Another incident, that I've described before, happened when I was very small and was asked to take a diaper to the trash for my mother. I had a sensitive gag reflex as a kid. Smells or sights could make me vomit. My father saw this as a character flaw and lack of self-control, so he mandated that my mother find a way to break my sensitivity. This particular day, I gagged on the way to the garbage can and was punished severely. Part of that punishment involved two weeks of eating the same meal (a meal that had previously made me toss my cookies): liver and onions. I hated the texture and smell. Yet, every night, while the rest of the family enjoyed whatever my mom had prepared, I was presented with liver and onions. I sat in my chair for hours, until the meat had congealed and cooled, trying to force down smaller and smaller bites. If I didn't finish it, it was reheated and served for breakfast the next morning. When I finally managed to eat the meal without throwing up, I was given oatmeal dyed with food coloring or some other unappatizing or stinky menu option. In the end, I learned to disassociate from what I was eating and I got past my gag reflex. My dad claimed this as his victory.

My siblings and I became robots for Jesus and my father took all the credit. We were picture perfect children, on the surface. Beneath the surface, we all suffered from various forms of anxiety disorders. It's not surprising! Everything, and I mean everything, was a big deal. If, when we finished our dinner, we didn't place our forks precisely on our plates (with the tines at two o'clock and the handle at ten o'clock, horizontally), it was considered a lapse in self control. If we spoke an unkind word or raised an eyebrow, it was a lapse in self control. If we ran, rather than walked, to get to a toy... you get the general idea. You can't live with that level of perfection and come out without anxiety. For myself, it would prove to be a disaster. At eight years old, I would make a mental accounting of every flaw or imperfection in my behavior (over the course of the day) and I exacted an almost Catholic approach to repentence. I would force myself to say so many prayers, in a certain position, with hands folded precisely, with no words missed. If I missed one word or positioned myself wrong or had my thoughts drift, I would start all over. This often meant me praying for hours every night.

Another result of this "self control" or "discipline" was that I became unable to carry out certain tasks without express permission. I've heard people say, after they've been through boot camp, that they couldn't pee without being told they could. I was much the same way. With regard to personal actions, I wouldn't take care of my own needs without first fulfilling my obligation to others and getting permission to take care of myself. Because every command was supposed to be followed literally, I also became the perfect victim. This was dangerous.

One of my dad's "friends" was a pervert. Much later in his life, he was convicted of lude and lacivious behavior towards a minor. This didn't shock me because, one afternoon, when I was six, he attended our home church and the bbq that followed. I was inside the kitchen, gathering condiments on my mother's orders to take back outside. One of my younger brothers was with me, getting hamburger buns and putting them in a basket to take to the serving line. Directly off our kitchen was a small pantry. "Martin" followed me inside the house and engaged me in small talk. When there were no other adults present, he told my brother and I to go into the pantry. Once inside, he shut the door and told me to kiss my brother. I pecked him on the cheek without questioning the order or the reason for the order. Apparently, he didn't want to see a peck. He told my brother to open his mouth and told me to stick my tongue inside his mouth. I was nervous and felt awkward but I'm also ashamed to say that, after having been drilled into following orders even if they were morally questionable, I did exactly as instructed. I didn't even hesitate. This haunted me for years. How could I do such a thing without even pausing to consider that what we'd been instructed to do was wrong. I've said it before and I'll repeat it- this is why the obedience game is dangerous. It replaces your ability to reason or pause to consider if the request is reasonable or safe. That same afternoon, Martin told my father that I had defrauded his son by sitting on a fence.

As an adult who's been through hours of therapy, I now see how twisted this experience was. Here's a grown man ordering two children to tongue kiss while he watches, who then goes outside and suggests that a child is being sexually enticing (defrauding young boys) by sitting astride on a fence. It's terrible!

The worst tragedy is that I never told my parents about the pantry incident and I was punished for "defrauding" even though I was the victim. In this type of family, you do not "tattle", especially on adults. Adults are the authority figures, end of story. Unfortunately, looking back on it, I don't even know if telling would have resulted in a punishment for the man. I don't have any confidence in my father and I'm sure that he would've labeled me a liar. In fact, I suspect he'll call me a liar even today. Parents, when you're teaching your children obedience, make sure they understand that there are some orders that a child has a right to deny. Otherwise, you're creating the perfect victim.

Let's go to the movies

2010-03-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

Harris helped me with this little movie.
If it doesn't work, you can try here:
http://www.xtranormal.com/profile/2276205/

Adsense, really?

2010-03-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

That was strange. I added adsense less than a month ago. It was up to about $40 in generated income and then I get an e-mail saying the account had been deleted for bad clicks or something. What does that mean? I filled out the appeals process and they denied it, without giving me much of an explanation other than "Your content may have been inappropriate for our advertisers". Is this because I said "porn"? It seems coincidental. Anyway, I guess that avenue is out. Ha!

Here's a strange side-effect of this situation: I'm so paranoid, having grown up Gothard, that my first thought was "Bill must have written google." I know that's ridiculous and that he's really not that powerful but that was my initial though. Or, that somehow my dad had contacted google. I'm such a dork.

Today's going to be a busy one. I'm gearing up for finals and trying to figure out what I'm doing for spring break. I think I may go hike with Harris and another friend. I may do some volunteering at this place I found over Christmas. I don't know. In any case, if the weather holds, I'm going to play put put tonight. I told Harris I was excited because I've actually played put put before! :)

nlq faq on the duggars

2010-03-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

http://nolongerquivering.com/2010/03/08/nlq-faq-are-jim-bob-michelle-duggar-quiverfull/

This is an interesting FAQ on the question of "Are the Duggar QF?"

Dad

2010-03-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

Recently there have been many questions about my father. Since he doesn't seem shy about posting here when it suits him, I'll answer those questions (with the standard disclaimer that names have been changed and certain details won't be discussed to keep his identity private).

Was your dad involved in drugs or alcohol?
I don't believe he has even drank or done drugs. I've never seen him touch alcohol or anything stronger than Tylenol. That doesn't mean that he didn't have addiction issues. In speeches and talks he has given in the past, he has admitted to being addicted to pornography. This may or may not have been a ploy. In my opinion, somoe fundamentalists or evangelicals will claim they have a "porn addiction" when they're only human. Humans enjoy looking at the opposite sex. My understanding is that this is a biological imparitive to keep the species going. Evangelical Christians with the desire to self-punish will feel guilty because they see it as an uncontrollable vice. (I'm sharing this because my dad doesn't feel it's private enough to keep secret.) When my dad was a teen and young adult, he had a collection of pornographic videos and magazines that he used for self-pleasure. When he became involved with BYC, he had to renounce that usage and publicly admit his short comings. Ever since that day, he's claimed an addiction. In addition to that, my dad has obsessive compulsive tendencies. He's an absolute perfectionist. He's "addicted" to hs his image and keeping his space in perfect order. I think that's one reason he gets so flustered by this blog - he isn't in control of it. He demands this perfection from those around him.

Why does he treat your brother - the boys who left ATI- differently?
Your guess is as good as mine. My guess is that it's because men are just viewed differently in the ATI worldview. It's not desired but it's accepted when young men take their families in a different direction, so long as they stay evangelical, conservative Christian. Even so, all is not rosy between one brother and my father. My father still blames one brother for supporting my exit. He only keeps up a relationship with him, by my math, because my brother helps my dad in business and they have to associate for financial purposes.

How did he get involved in ATI?
My father met Bill Gothard during the BYC days. Gothard hired my dad and invited him to be part of "something big". Dad experienced a great deal of loss in his own life and I think Gothard knew that my father needed a "father figure" or someone who just cared about what he did. One thing Gothard is great at is telling people what they want to hear about themselves and building them up.

Did I miss a question?

Stuck on Part 11

2010-03-09T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm experiencing writers block on Part 11. Please bear with me.

In any case, today has been a real mind trip. I came out of my morning class and walked but to the dorm. I'd hoped to take a quick catnap. My message light was blinking, so I had to go get messages.

It was my mom. Brother broke his promise to me and let her call from his house. It was an interesting conversation that revolved around mom asking me to give up this blog. She's worried that I'm getting too close to people I don't know. Shes' worried that I'm putting my dating life out there. Most of all, she's worried that I'm leading people away from Christ. Mom said that I should consider taking the blog down to help Dad and the rest of the kids deal with it.

My responses were short and sweet. I tried a new approach that someone told me about. I kept my answers to "yes" or "no", for the most part. I also made sure that I got to ask a few questions.
1) Are you and Blessing well?
Yes. Blessing is doing very well. She's had a cold for a few weeks and doesn't sleep as much as mom thinks we all slept. I suspect we all slept the same, but mom has gotten older.
2. How is Dad?
Dad is apparently vexed by this blog. He hates it and he is using it in prayer group to "work out a way to reconnect". I wonder if his church group knows about his comments?
3. The engagement has been cancelled and she has been told that she can either find a way out or stay, but live as my parents want her to live (waiting for marriage).

I need to stop thinking about me and start figuring out how to get her out. Like yesterday.

Harris update, per request:
It's going well. We've spent a lot of time hanging out with each other (usually in public). We've acknowledged that we ""like"" each other.

the Oscars

2010-03-07T19:48:00.001-08:00

A reader said I should do a post about the Oscars. I'm not sure what my perspective would give anyone, but this is the first time I've watched them and I find that I don't really get all the to-do.

I find that my favorite part of the pie is sitting here with my dormmates, trying to guess who's going to win. However, I'm just not up-to-date enough to understand most of the significance of the wins and losses - not to mention not seeing most of the movies. It's still fun, I suppose. I have used the opportunity to get about a thousand movie recommendations from people in the dorm.

This brings up a memory I have. I remember when Pocahontas came out in the theater. We weren't allowed to see it, of course. In any case, somehow, I heard the song "Colors of the Wind" and really, really wanted to buy the CD. We went to Walmart and the CDs were in a case by the electronics. I took it. Yes. I shoplifted it. I managed to hide it and hold onto it for several years, but I didn't get to listen to it because I was never left alone long enough to do that. I guess, along the way, I forgot about it. I just remembered it today. Anyway, how did I get from the Oscars to this little memory? I saw George Clooney and thought he was Mel Gibson. Whoopsy. Mel Gibson was in Pocahontas and you get the picture. I don't know what happened to the CD. My parents probably have found it by now. If they haven't, I hope one of my sisters or brothers did...and I hope they enjoyed it. If this is the first anyone in my family has heard of it...I hope it drives my dad crazy looking for it for the next week or so.

Praying a Hedge of Thorns

2010-03-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

Someone remind me... does praying a hedge of thorns mean praying for something bad to happen to shove the whisperer back under the great man's umbrella, or is it more of a general protection thing?

Bill Gothard gave a series of lectures where he talked about how men can protect the fidelity of their marriage. In these lectures, a concept came up that revolved around Ez. 22:30.
" 30 And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none."
Other scriptural references would be-
Hosea 2:6-7 (King James Version)
6Therefore, behold, I will hedge up thy way with thorns, and make a wall, that she shall not find her paths.
II Corinthians 12:7
"7And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure."

Bill Gothard teaches that Satan can gain "jurisdictional authority" over a person's soul. When a father or husband, as the authority and spiritual protector of the family, fears that this (Satan attempting to get ja) has happened or may happen, the man is instructed to "pray a hedge of thorns" around his wife/family/son/daughter. In doing so, Gothard teaches that the man will have created a "stronghold for Christ".

As a child within the hedge, you are supposedly protected from Satan's influence, so long as you keep a pure heart and follow, with every obedience, the true will of your parent and Lord. If, as a child, you purpose to step outside the hedge, by thoughts or action, you have opened your soul up to Satan and should not be allowed back inside the hedge without proper and due accounting.

In the beginning, Gothard preached this as a way to keep unfaithful spouses from straying. By praying the hedge of thorns around your spouse, God would keep the Satanic thoughts of infidelity and adultry from being able to breach your marriage. As time progressed, it was suggested that parents pray a hedge of thorns around children who strayed. This was to be done, both, as a means of protecting the children still at home and to keep out the child who had strayed until they "properly repented".

It's all out of context and misguided.

Home-schooling

2010-03-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

I've read the comments on the last entry. If you haven't, I suggest going back and reading them because there are some very insightful comments there. Instead of replying to them all one-by-one, I decided to make this a post and get it all "answered" or "weighed in" in one punch.

I think homeschooling can work out very well. I have met and spoke with many h/s parents and kids in my life - some of those people are the most gifted people I know. My issue is with ATI and it's method of homeschooling. The Wisdom Books are not enough and you need a parent who's invested in educating her children - not popping out enormous quantities of kids.

My mom was a certified teacher with a lot to give us. She was limited in giving us what she wanted to give us by patriarchy and the standards of her faith. I was very fortunate that she wouldn't bend on the math requirements and that I had, until I was nine, grandparents who sent me supplementary tools to learn from. If it weren't for that, I'd be a bad statistic.

@ATI people reading this- consider this not a libelous attack - it's my testimonial. Not all testimonials have to be positive. This is my review of how it worked in my house, in my life. Your experiences may differ.

Part 10- Continuation

2010-03-03T09:22:00.001-08:00

Persuasiveness vs. Contentiousness – Guiding vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks (II Timothy 2:24) – Bill Gothard
by RazingRuth

One of the goals of homeschooling, for ATI and I’m sure other communities that homeschool, is to forge tighter bonds within the family unit. As my teacher and the only other female in the house (prior to the first sister), my mother and I developed a very tight bond. I looked to her as my mother, of course, but also as any small child looks upon their teacher – I thought the sun rose and set with her. She, in return, shared similar feelings about me. I was the girl she longed for (secretly). A wish fulfilled, she would say during the quiet moments we shared together.

One of the quiet moments she insisted on, in a house full of chaos, was our “reading time”. I was always allowed to stay up later than the boys. This was something they always wanted to express their opposition to but rarely did because of the consequences of questioning an authority figure. After all, I was younger than three of them! Yet, the boys were all bedded at precisely 8:20 every night. As I said, the reasons for my later bedtime were several. For one, I helped my mother get everyone ready for bed. She and I would give the smaller ones their snack and supervise their baths. Then, I would dress the smaller ones for bed while she got the older boys in bed clothes and tucked them in.

After the boys were in bed, mother would come to my room and climb into my bed. She’d continue my “homeschooling” by reading to me for thirty minutes. I have no doubt that, had it been allowed, she’d have done the same for the boys, but when my father was home, the routine was for him to go have “Bible study” with the boys (after they’d been put in bed). When he wasn’t home, they were made to listen to inspirational and devotional tapes.

Mother would always read one passage from the Bible and then put the Bible down and read to me from a collection of fictional novels she’d saved from her girlhood. The books were always approved by my father, so they usually weren’t modern, children’s literature (I never read Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary, for example). I was, however, exposed to Laura Ingalls Wilder, Jack Wild, Lewis Carroll, E.B. White and Patricia McLaughlin. She didn’t just read to me, either. She would expand upon what we were reading and talk to me about vocabulary, history, and the bigger theme of the books. It was heaven. (See! It wasn’t all bad.)

Still, the “formal” homeschooling was ruled by Bill Gothard’s ideas and (at the time) new trends and trials. Because of this lack of rigor, when I left ATI and started looking at colleges, I was overwhelmed by what I didn’t know.

Science. I was hopelessly lost. I was educated as a strict creationist. We learned the scientific method – sort of.

Step 1: Read the Bible.
Step 2: Ask a question.
Step 3: Form a hypothesis.
Step 4: Read the Bible to find evidence to support your hypothesis.
Step 5: Devise an experiment.

You get the picture. I’d been taught the anatomy of the human body in Wisdom Books but that was limited to coloring pictures of the organs and knowing, generally, what it was that they did. I didn’t understand “how?” they did what they did or what the scientific reasons were. If you asked those questions as an ATI kid, you were told “God made it that way” and shushed. Evolution was strictly taboo and mocked incessantly.

History. I’d been given a neo-conservative, white-washed, Christian evangelical version of history. My version mentioned nothing of the founding father’s deism or the Treaty of Tripoli. I didn’t know that slavery was as bad or as rampant as it was. I was taught that the civil war was a Godly war over state’s rights. I wasn’t taught about Martin Luther King. I knew about the Crusades, but I didn’t know about the Black Plague or pre-Biblical peoples. Ancient cultures were briefly discussed and the caveat was always tossed in about how they couldn’t have existed in the times ’secularists’ claimed they did because there were no men on earth further back than about six thousand years ago. Dinosaurs? They walked with humans before the fall.

When I left and decided that I wanted to continue my education, I had a long row to hoe. I was over the age of 18, by the time I decided I wanted to repair the damage my ATI education had caused, so I had to go through an adult school. I had a GED, but I needed refreshers in basic high school courses. My math skills were exceptional (all thanks to my mom!). My writing skills were so-so. Reading comprehension was great. History and science – the counsellor looked crestfallen as he told me the results of my evaluation. I took two years of remedial courses through the adult school before I could take college placement exams.

I know not all ATI kids come out the way I did. Sadly, I know most of them come out worse! They’re “educated” in only the barest sense of the word. They’re educated in the same way a talking parrot is educated. They can regurgitate. Most ATI kids are horrible at advanced math. They know how to balance a checkbook and “figure”, but unless they were being apprenticed for careers involving higher math, it wasn’t offered to them. I know girls who went through the midwifery training that BG approves and to say their midwives is to say it using the 19th century understanding of the term. They can deliver a baby, sure. I think most of us could if we had to. They’re taught most of the skills that modern medicine would teach and certify a doula to provide. They are not taught true anatomy/physiology classes. It’s all practical experience.

Are the Duggars Quiverers?

2010-03-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's in the water today but I've received this question a hundred times in e-mail.

(paraphrased and summed up)"Are the Duggars QF? Why would they deny it if they are?"

The Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar family are absolutely, positively, 100% QF and HAVE identified themselves as aligned with the goals and ideals of the main QF movement. I've not met them personally, given. But I don't have to stand in the presense of George Bush to tell you he is a republican, either. Here's how I know that the Duggar family is QF. Forget that their books are on the QF website- that's not the half of it.

1. They speak at ATI conferences. The only people allowed to speak at ATI conferences are those who Brother Gothard, or one of his employees, has cleared as sticking to the party line. The party line is quiverfull.
2. This article is on the QF site. It's from 2001. Further, a version of this article was mailed, by the organization, to every QF voting family in Arkansas. Ask yourself why the QF organization would mail out a prospectus on a candidate that wasn't QF? They wouldn't.
3. Prior to the show, they claimed QF in local newspaper pieces done about them.
4. Prior to the show, Michelle posted on QF forums. Since the first discovery show, her posts have been exponged.

Why they'd deny it?
I think they'd be more likely to deny it now because they can afford to. They're no longer dependent on seminars and QF/ATI speaking engagements for their livelihood. They've got the show and with the show comes the freedom to do things their way. Jim Bob isn't stupid - he's very media savvy and he knows when to disengage from a system that's being scrutinized in the public eye. Gothardism and ATI and QF are starting to get picked apart by people from within and without. It behooves QF to attach themselves to the Duggars because the Duggars are "modest modern" and in the public eye. It behooves the Duggars to disassociate because people like myself and nolongerquivering are outing the system for what it is.

Part 9

2010-03-02T11:46:00.001-08:00

Wisdom vs. Natural Inclinations -Seeing and responding to life’s situations from God’s frame of reference (Proverbs 9:10) ~ Bill Gothard

by RazingRuth
Bill Gothard wasn’t a great student. He makes no effort to hide the fact that he flunked the first grade and barely passed the next eight grades. From 1st to 8th grade, he was a lackluster student. However, according to the legend, near the end of eighth grade, an older friend challenged him to read and memorize large portions of scripture. In doing this, Bill Gothard (claims to have) found the key to unlocking his intelligence. I’ll let his words speak for him.

“However, as he memorized and meditated on Scripture, Bill’s grades improved significantly—so much so that he graduated from high school a member of the National Honor Society. This direct correlation between his grades and consistency in memorizing and meditating on Scripture continued through college and graduate school.” – History of IBLP, Bill Gothard

At fifteen, Bill also noticed that some of his classmates weren’t paying attention to their instructors. This bothered him enough to meditate on their lack of attention. Through thought and meditation, Bill realized that these boys were making “drastic choices that would have drastic consequences” (source: a taped lecture from 1993). It was these experiences that led Bill Gotharrd to create the homeschooling program that we all know now as ATI/IBLP.

Before I get into how this worked in my childhood home, I would like to take a moment to ask a few questions (and answer them).

Q: Does Bill Gothard have children?
A: No.

Q: Is Bill Gothard married?
A: No

Q: Had Bill Gothard spent a lot of time observing youth, prior to creating the homeschooling program?
A: Yes. However, the youth he observed were admittedly troubled inner-city, heathen youth with multiple problems and, often, criminal records.

Q: Does Bill Gothard have a degree in education from a credentialed school?
A: No. He has a BA in Biblical Studies and an MA in Christian Education from Wheaton College. Presently, it holds all the necessary credentials for providing degrees in education. In 1961, it did not. In fact, by the 50’s, it was known as the most neo-conservative, evangelical university in the northern United States.

The homeschooling program I was raised in was created by a childless bachelor who took his educational ideals from mentoring troubled teens and applied them to families with a one size fits all mentality.

I was very young when the decision was made to homeschool. As such, I can’t say that I know what my parents reasons were but I’m almost positive Mr. Gothard influence was key. We lived in an area with nice schools and my mom had been a teacher. Still, despite all of the stress heaped upon her, my mother was charged with homeschooling her children and she did it with as gracious a heart as she could muster. Since she had a background in teaching math, we were some of the best educated children in that discipline, in our cohort. She broke with the prescribed curriculum for math somewhere in the fourth grade and began teaching us her own.

ATI utilizes Wisdom Booklets. These books can be used to provide education for a wide age range of children at the same time because of the way they’re formatted. Every section is focused on a scripture from the Bible. Every child studies the same topic/scripture while the parent applies it to different disciplines (the law, medicine, language, etc.,.). To keep it “grade level”, you use different worksheets or reviews. But, yes, the question I get most often “Did you get the bankruptcy lecture?”, is answered with a resounding “Yessiree”. I probably got the lecture three times over the course of my homeschool education. The curriculum repeats itself every four years.

One problem I saw was that there was no room for individuality within the ATI curriculum. There’s no program designed for special needs children. Even though the lessons are so basic (and so academically unrigorous that I can’t imagine anyone “falling behind”), there’s no remediation options. If I missed something due to illness, it was just missed. If you didn’t understand something, there were no academic consequences since the Wisdom Booklets don’t build upon anything academic. It’s ironic, to me, that Mr. Gothard developed this program after watching kids zone out and fearing for the “consequences” of their inattention — there are no consequences, save what Gothard considers spiritual consequences or physical punishments — for not learning your ATI curriculum.

To be continued…in part 10.

Dinner with Harris

2010-02-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm getting ready to go out for dinner with Harris. (!!!!!!!!!!!)
I'm excited.

Abuse comment

2010-02-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

This came from the comments section of Part 8.
Anonymous said...
Question to Ruth:

Are you parents still practicing the same child-rearing today?

If so, have you ever reported them to child protective services?

If they haven't changed their ways, they are surely treating your at-home siblings the same way

I don't have much time to go into details, but this deserves a response.

Obviously, I'm not in the home so I couldn't say with certainty either way. I do know a few facts that change the dynamic of life in the house. One is that my dad is getting to be older and less physical. Second, with the exception of Blessing, the kids still at home are all over 13. I'll try to remember to post later, but by that age, the discipline strategies change and become more about self-discipline (thankfully). Third, with regard to the dynamic, that house is way less chaotic than it was when I was five. When I was five, there were seven kids in that house under the age of ten. Four, my dad now has too many eyes on him (between me and one of my older brothers) to try anything too horrific. I think the abuses my sisters face are more likely to be emotional abuses and, while no less scary (perhaps they're scarier), that's harder to prove to child services.