I wanted to make a separate post from the "Notes from Dad" post.
I've read every comment regarding my broken engagement and I want to send out a "Thank You" to everyone who wrote in. Your words of wisdom were much needed and your perspective was appreciated. I purposefully withheld from writing/blogging/communicating with you all for a few weeks because I didn't know if I could handle re-living the break-up everyday. As it is/was, it didn't matter - not reliving it and analyzing it is impossible.
The truth is that I don't know where to go from here. Despite firmly believing in my head that my life's happiness isn't wrapped up in a man, my heart still clings to that childhood belief. When you grow up hearing, and continue to hear (through family), that you can't be a full woman without a husband and a family, not having either (especially at my age) makes me feel like I've failed.
My dad's right in certain respects. My life hasn't been a resounding endorsement of living life the way I do. Let's face truth- I am an adult who really can't support myself financially. Despite trying as hard as I have, my goal of getting a college degree is taking longer than most and I'm in a constant state of financial struggle. It's discouraging. More honesty- when I thought I would be getting married to Harris, I dared to imagine a certain amount of security that now seems like it will never happen. It's easy for me to see why people return to, or can't leave, a quiverful home. There's no safety net.
It does feel like God is punishing me. I hate to say that because, for the last few years, I've tried to stay open to the idea of God being a loving entity. Now I just don't know anymore. That's not to say my personal decisions haven't been responsible for a majorty of my life challenges, but I just wonder when that whole "God will never give you more than you can handle" becomes nothing more than a bumper sticker? I am at the end of my rope. If God exists, then why is this life I'm running towards more difficult than just capitulating?
2012 is here and it's hard to see a positive. Before anyone asks, the answer is "Yes! I am back with my therapist." I'm not suicidal...I'm just tired. I'm taking medication for depression- another double-edged-sword. Medications are expensive and they were forbidden in my childhood. They were seen as a sign of weakness. Every horrible forecast of despair that I'd been told would happen if I abandoned the ATI/QF plan has come to pass. My only consolation is that I also see non-ATI/QF/Christian people who seem very happy, unbroken, and unmedicated, too! Maybe there is hope. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. Ha! Maybe I haven't found that life for me, yet?
Thank you, my readers, for helping me see past this break-up. Thank you for being there to listen. I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Notes from Father
Some of you called it. My dad couldn't resist weighing in on my break-up with Harris. He e-mailed me using this blog's e-mail and we had a short correspondence. He "dared" me to post it on this blog and "give him an audience". What he doesn't understand is that this doesn't make him look particularly favourable. However, I suspect he's channelling VF/ATI/QF people here to read (just based on traffic reports).
DAD: you asked for it. Our exchange. Also, dad, if you want your chance to voice your opinions, this is your post. You stated in your e-mails that you wished people would talk to people like you, people who know "the reality" of living a "Godly, Bible based" lifestyle. You said you think this blog is giving people a false message. So here you go, Dad! If you want the chance to answer questions yourself, I have made it so you can answer them. Use the name I x-ed out of our conversation so *I* know it's you and I'll leave the answers up for all to read.
______________________________________________________________________
We are praying for you this Christmas eve daughter. You need the grace and forgivness of GOD for only HE and HE alone can give you the solice you suffer for at this time. Marriage is a GODGIVEN COVENANT and only HE knows who HE has made for your heart and this is the enevitable end that we knew you would face as soon as you left my umbrella of protection. ****(Harris) was the fruit of your lustful heart when only prayerful silence can show the one GOD has for you. You walked away from that love bound through HIM and into the arms of another man. You have sinned my daughter and only repententing to the CREATOR can help you now. We invite your back. Your mother and I have prayed about asking you to come home and be an example in CHRIST. We will forgive you for everything that you have done including the pain you caused our family. You won't have to struggle financially or look for love in the damaged world. Our gift to you for Christmas is prayer and forgiveness. Love through HIM who gives us strength, Father.
______________________________________________________________________
Dad,
The pain I feel is magnified by your e-mail. Why does your love always include strings? It would've been an amazing gift to simply let me know that you care. The best gift of all would've been to open an e-mail from you with three words- "I love you." That would have told me you truly felt my pain. Dad, Harris was a good man...he just wasn't the right man for me at this time. I don't need your forgiveness, dad. I need your support and your love. I think far too much has happened for me to return to your home. I appreciate the offer.
______________________________________________________________________
Its always thus with you, daughter. You want what only GOD can give but you deny HIM and only GOD gives the love you need. Our church family would like to sponsor you even to enroll you in a college of our choosing. We will pray with you to be who GOD wants you to be. Your life is lacking and you know it's true my daughter for GOD has told us all through these tragic life trials you have faced since you started this blog of lies that you will never have the sweetness of GOD'S PLAN until you submit to the life you were born to live instead of the illnesses injuries and, suffering you get from your worldly life. Your blog is keeping our lifestyle in a negative place when you know people live this life happily. I know you support homosexuals having a choice in their lifestle then you tell us we're wrong to ask them to submit to God's authority but you won't let us live quietly in peace with our choices that are sanction IN HIM. Give GOD a voice or give a strong household a voice instead of mocking them and us. Your a hipocritical girl the reality be you will not allow a GODLY man to impact this story you tell. I can't comment without your say. I will show you this is the life for you if you just allow God a voice.
____________________________________________________________________________
And what if I came home, dad? What would life be like? This college of your choice would be where? Would you choose my major? Can't you see that my life my be horrible, but also understand that at least it's *my life*? Have your voice, dad! Respond to my blog using the name ********** and I will leave it for all you read. I'm not afraid of God's voice or yours. Just know they are not the one-and-the-same, dad.
____________________________________________________________________________
That's where it ended.
Time will tell.
DAD: you asked for it. Our exchange. Also, dad, if you want your chance to voice your opinions, this is your post. You stated in your e-mails that you wished people would talk to people like you, people who know "the reality" of living a "Godly, Bible based" lifestyle. You said you think this blog is giving people a false message. So here you go, Dad! If you want the chance to answer questions yourself, I have made it so you can answer them. Use the name I x-ed out of our conversation so *I* know it's you and I'll leave the answers up for all to read.
______________________________________________________________________
We are praying for you this Christmas eve daughter. You need the grace and forgivness of GOD for only HE and HE alone can give you the solice you suffer for at this time. Marriage is a GODGIVEN COVENANT and only HE knows who HE has made for your heart and this is the enevitable end that we knew you would face as soon as you left my umbrella of protection. ****(Harris) was the fruit of your lustful heart when only prayerful silence can show the one GOD has for you. You walked away from that love bound through HIM and into the arms of another man. You have sinned my daughter and only repententing to the CREATOR can help you now. We invite your back. Your mother and I have prayed about asking you to come home and be an example in CHRIST. We will forgive you for everything that you have done including the pain you caused our family. You won't have to struggle financially or look for love in the damaged world. Our gift to you for Christmas is prayer and forgiveness. Love through HIM who gives us strength, Father.
______________________________________________________________________
Dad,
The pain I feel is magnified by your e-mail. Why does your love always include strings? It would've been an amazing gift to simply let me know that you care. The best gift of all would've been to open an e-mail from you with three words- "I love you." That would have told me you truly felt my pain. Dad, Harris was a good man...he just wasn't the right man for me at this time. I don't need your forgiveness, dad. I need your support and your love. I think far too much has happened for me to return to your home. I appreciate the offer.
______________________________________________________________________
Its always thus with you, daughter. You want what only GOD can give but you deny HIM and only GOD gives the love you need. Our church family would like to sponsor you even to enroll you in a college of our choosing. We will pray with you to be who GOD wants you to be. Your life is lacking and you know it's true my daughter for GOD has told us all through these tragic life trials you have faced since you started this blog of lies that you will never have the sweetness of GOD'S PLAN until you submit to the life you were born to live instead of the illnesses injuries and, suffering you get from your worldly life. Your blog is keeping our lifestyle in a negative place when you know people live this life happily. I know you support homosexuals having a choice in their lifestle then you tell us we're wrong to ask them to submit to God's authority but you won't let us live quietly in peace with our choices that are sanction IN HIM. Give GOD a voice or give a strong household a voice instead of mocking them and us. Your a hipocritical girl the reality be you will not allow a GODLY man to impact this story you tell. I can't comment without your say. I will show you this is the life for you if you just allow God a voice.
____________________________________________________________________________
And what if I came home, dad? What would life be like? This college of your choice would be where? Would you choose my major? Can't you see that my life my be horrible, but also understand that at least it's *my life*? Have your voice, dad! Respond to my blog using the name ********** and I will leave it for all you read. I'm not afraid of God's voice or yours. Just know they are not the one-and-the-same, dad.
____________________________________________________________________________
That's where it ended.
Time will tell.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Damaged
From my experience with blogging, when you blog, you don't expect that it will become this place that you really go to for advice. Maybe it's because I lack a family support structure, but I look to some of you for your wisdom like I would look to my own family. It was that way with the wedding post. For a few months now, I have been feeling like my engagement to Harris was more about me wanting a family than being "in love" with Harris. I think I'm damaged beyond fixing because getting to know Harris was wonderful and growing to love him was wonderful but I really became attached to him when I met his family. So why am I so unable to give up any control to that family that I came to love?
Harris and I are no longer engaged. It's over.
I don't believe it was his fault. I think it's mine. His family wanted a big wedding and Harris wanted it to. I couldn't do it. It's my failure. When we all sat down to talk about the wedding, his parents said that they understood my fears about big weddings- and what it really came to is that I have had to be such a private person for so long that I couldn't get comfortable with so many eyes on me and so many people wondering why Harris was marrying me- me with no family and me with no real background. His family is so well-off and so educated and I just didn't feel worthy or like I fit. When Harris started talking about how involved his family was and would be in our lives, I saw it as something to fear rather than a blessing that it probably would be. It's control. I was going to lose control.
I've met some of his extended family and it exposed how inept at family I really am. I don't understand families. It's me. I don't know how to be part of that bigger thing because the only family I grew up with was so commanding and exacting.
I have done 'the work' in therapy. We, as a couple, were doing 'the work'. I was happy until it came to that aspect of family. I asked Harris if we could just continue as we'd been - not married, but moving ahead in a committed relationship. He said no. He was afraid of me "never coming around to the idea of being part of something bigger" and "always wanting us to be separate". He's right. I had this idiotic idea that we could be a couple and have his family be this thing that we'd see when we wanted and invite in just as much as we wanted. That's not how marriage works, I guess.
In our pre-marital counselling, one thing that also came up is that I don't think I want children right away. I love kids. But I'm terrified of holding that responsibility in my hands. I talk a good game about how my childhood was robbed and handled wrong and yes, I could change diapers or cook meals and "provide" for the physical needs of my child, but I'm emotionally damaged and you can't mother if you yourself are so damaged, right?
I don't know what I will do from here.
Harris and I are no longer engaged. It's over.
I don't believe it was his fault. I think it's mine. His family wanted a big wedding and Harris wanted it to. I couldn't do it. It's my failure. When we all sat down to talk about the wedding, his parents said that they understood my fears about big weddings- and what it really came to is that I have had to be such a private person for so long that I couldn't get comfortable with so many eyes on me and so many people wondering why Harris was marrying me- me with no family and me with no real background. His family is so well-off and so educated and I just didn't feel worthy or like I fit. When Harris started talking about how involved his family was and would be in our lives, I saw it as something to fear rather than a blessing that it probably would be. It's control. I was going to lose control.
I've met some of his extended family and it exposed how inept at family I really am. I don't understand families. It's me. I don't know how to be part of that bigger thing because the only family I grew up with was so commanding and exacting.
I have done 'the work' in therapy. We, as a couple, were doing 'the work'. I was happy until it came to that aspect of family. I asked Harris if we could just continue as we'd been - not married, but moving ahead in a committed relationship. He said no. He was afraid of me "never coming around to the idea of being part of something bigger" and "always wanting us to be separate". He's right. I had this idiotic idea that we could be a couple and have his family be this thing that we'd see when we wanted and invite in just as much as we wanted. That's not how marriage works, I guess.
In our pre-marital counselling, one thing that also came up is that I don't think I want children right away. I love kids. But I'm terrified of holding that responsibility in my hands. I talk a good game about how my childhood was robbed and handled wrong and yes, I could change diapers or cook meals and "provide" for the physical needs of my child, but I'm emotionally damaged and you can't mother if you yourself are so damaged, right?
I don't know what I will do from here.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Oh heavens!
Apparently, my mother and her friends attended Jubilee Duggar's memorial. My brother sent me a forward of the e-mail my mother sent him about the event. My feelings and comments follow.
God is good! Praise Him in his absolute perfect wisdom and compassion. ************ and I attended the beautiful memorial for little Jubilee Shalom Duggar. Hundreds of people were there to life them up in prayer. If you know and walk with our Lord you know HE has her in his Kingdom and he only chooses those that have spirits too pure for this earth. Jubilee is at perfect peace in HIS arms while she waits for that time in which her mother and father will greet her in heaven. I'm sure J.L. is holding his granddaughter on his knee right now and they are smiling down at the Duggar family and their kin. What we witnessed today was a family living the WORD of GOD. They could've been like many of today's families in their heartbroken grief, wailing and gnashing at the world and being angry at God for HIS decision. Oh yes they could have been. We know that this is not how a true believer reacts to a situation even as hard as this. We praise God during bad times and we will elevate HIM in the bad and that is what the Duggars did today. Proud were they of this little life that God blessed them to have that they related the memories of finding they had been chosen to carry this angel-baby. Michelle and Jim Bob spoke of her impact on their faith after Josie's struggle. Jubilee gave them a renewed hope and purpose to continue his commandment to accept children willingly and at HIS timing. They are to be applauded for this unpopular steadfastness to LIFE! In honor of the Duggars and their new angel, let us all remember them during fellowship and spread their message of faith. Let us praise them in our daily lives as we praise HIM. If we spread this beautiful family's message to one person and they spread that grace to another person, we can pray a circle of protection around them to scare off any negative, unGODLY persons who are attacking them on vicious websites and the devil's media. Please add the following passages to your prayer tonight. Psalms 127:3, Titus 2:11In humble prayerful fellowship-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Where to start with this?
Mom, I understand you didn't intend for me to read this or post this. I apologize if what I'm about to say hurts/disappoints you.
Mom,I have found no biblical support for a 200+ person funeral for a miscarried infant. When you miscarried, did Bros. Gothard or any of your ATI/VF people arrange such a "celebration of life" for you? What about the miscarriage of your daughter in law? Did you send out a note asking for prayerful support? I remember hearing that they asked you and Dad to come mourn the loss with them and dad said he was too busy. Is it because the Duggars are on television? What would make you treat them better than your own family? I have more compassion for Josie Duggar. Why hasn't the ATI crowd rallied around a cause to make sure she receives the earthly needs that she undoubtedly has after her premature birth?
You won't come to my wedding, but you'll go to the funeral of a 16 week fetus?
God is good! Praise Him in his absolute perfect wisdom and compassion. ************ and I attended the beautiful memorial for little Jubilee Shalom Duggar. Hundreds of people were there to life them up in prayer. If you know and walk with our Lord you know HE has her in his Kingdom and he only chooses those that have spirits too pure for this earth. Jubilee is at perfect peace in HIS arms while she waits for that time in which her mother and father will greet her in heaven. I'm sure J.L. is holding his granddaughter on his knee right now and they are smiling down at the Duggar family and their kin. What we witnessed today was a family living the WORD of GOD. They could've been like many of today's families in their heartbroken grief, wailing and gnashing at the world and being angry at God for HIS decision. Oh yes they could have been. We know that this is not how a true believer reacts to a situation even as hard as this. We praise God during bad times and we will elevate HIM in the bad and that is what the Duggars did today. Proud were they of this little life that God blessed them to have that they related the memories of finding they had been chosen to carry this angel-baby. Michelle and Jim Bob spoke of her impact on their faith after Josie's struggle. Jubilee gave them a renewed hope and purpose to continue his commandment to accept children willingly and at HIS timing. They are to be applauded for this unpopular steadfastness to LIFE! In honor of the Duggars and their new angel, let us all remember them during fellowship and spread their message of faith. Let us praise them in our daily lives as we praise HIM. If we spread this beautiful family's message to one person and they spread that grace to another person, we can pray a circle of protection around them to scare off any negative, unGODLY persons who are attacking them on vicious websites and the devil's media. Please add the following passages to your prayer tonight. Psalms 127:3, Titus 2:11In humble prayerful fellowship-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Where to start with this?
Mom, I understand you didn't intend for me to read this or post this. I apologize if what I'm about to say hurts/disappoints you.
Mom,I have found no biblical support for a 200+ person funeral for a miscarried infant. When you miscarried, did Bros. Gothard or any of your ATI/VF people arrange such a "celebration of life" for you? What about the miscarriage of your daughter in law? Did you send out a note asking for prayerful support? I remember hearing that they asked you and Dad to come mourn the loss with them and dad said he was too busy. Is it because the Duggars are on television? What would make you treat them better than your own family? I have more compassion for Josie Duggar. Why hasn't the ATI crowd rallied around a cause to make sure she receives the earthly needs that she undoubtedly has after her premature birth?
You won't come to my wedding, but you'll go to the funeral of a 16 week fetus?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Wedding Question
Harris and I are starting to plan our wedding. I never, ever imagined it would be as complicated to plan something that's supposed to be "a simple, small wedding"!
I need advice.
Background: As you might guess, my parents won't be there and I don't have a large extended family I'm close to. It's likely that the only blood family of mine that attends will be two or three (HOPEFULLY, HINT!) of my siblings. In any case, I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle (not "give me away" - just accompany me). This makes me very happy and I'm fine with keeping it intimate. Harris' family is huge! His parents are willing to pay the added expenses of adding people to the guest list and I guess I should be grateful for that and let it go. But, I really don't want this to become a spectacle. His parents and I normally get along really well but they're not understanding how awkward I would feel having 200 people on the groom's side and 10 on the bride's side.
Question: Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep this small AND satisfy Harris' family?
Should I get over it? Am I being stubborn over something that just isn't going to matter in ten years?
I need advice.
Background: As you might guess, my parents won't be there and I don't have a large extended family I'm close to. It's likely that the only blood family of mine that attends will be two or three (HOPEFULLY, HINT!) of my siblings. In any case, I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle (not "give me away" - just accompany me). This makes me very happy and I'm fine with keeping it intimate. Harris' family is huge! His parents are willing to pay the added expenses of adding people to the guest list and I guess I should be grateful for that and let it go. But, I really don't want this to become a spectacle. His parents and I normally get along really well but they're not understanding how awkward I would feel having 200 people on the groom's side and 10 on the bride's side.
Question: Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep this small AND satisfy Harris' family?
Should I get over it? Am I being stubborn over something that just isn't going to matter in ten years?
Friday, December 9, 2011
Duggar Miscarriage
Ruth! Did you hear about the Duggar miscarriage of #20? Do you think they'll try again or get the message? Do you think they will show the funeral?
Yes. I heard about the miscarriage.
I'm torn about giving my opinion or sharing my thoughts on this because, at the very least, a family who wanted another child is suffering a loss and that loss is tragic to them. Who am I to judge them at a time like this? I'm no one. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not really judging them as much as I am explaining their rationale for people who've never experienced a family like them before. Right or wrong - I have an insight and I've been asked to share that insight.
They WILL try again. Like I said in my last post, it didn't matter how this pregnancy ended; happy, sad, tragic, joyous- in their mind, whatever happens would be a blessing from God. I have no doubt that at this very moment, in the Duggar home, the family is consoling themselves with the thought that their 20th (21st, if you count Michelle's first miscarriage) child is with Jesus. Not only is he/she with Jesus, but HE/SHE WAS CHOSEN to go early - they would consider this AN HONOR! I've heard some ask if they would see a difference between this loss and their first loss and the answer is a resounding "YES!". The first loss was not God's will, but the consequence of their decision to use that Evil Birth Control (EBC). This loss can't be blamed on that. You might wonder if they're self-aware enough, as ridiculous as the premise is, of seeing their pride and hubris as a sin worthy of punishment from God? I have to say that I don't know where they fall on that spectrum. My heart tells me that they will ask themselves this question because of the perpetual guilt trip and fault finding spirit that Gothard instills in these families. My head tells me that, although the Duggars wear the Gothard/ATI/QF badges on their sleeves, they're also Reality Show stars with the narcissicism and egos that seem to go along with being on TLC. They've likely started to believe that they are a virtuous, moral family REWARDED by God with this show. As such, they will fall to seeing this loss as a blessing. The real question isn't how they will perceive this loss, I supppose, but what they do with that?
The potential exists for them to view this loss as a warning from God to quit the show. That's a slim potential, but it exists nonetheless. They may also see this as God's challenge to them to keep up their mission despite another set-back. After all, Josie came out "okay", right? They may use this as a "teachable moment"- "see how we didn't let this loss stand in the way of our belief that we should accept all children from God?!?!?" If they truly view their show as a mission, then we will see every step in the process of their grief and acceptance because they view themselves as a light!
Unless TLC tells them otherwise (and what are the chances of that happening), we will see the ultrasound. We will see the kids being told (at the very least, we'll see the reactions of the girls who went with Jim Bob and Michelle) and we will see the door to the Tinker Toy House be closed for a few days before they regroup and film the funeral. We'll be shown the funeral. I would call on TLC to have a conscience and not exploit this for ratings. However, I have a feeling Jim Bob will insist it all be shown for the same reasons that they gave us a birdseye view on his dad's death and his youngest daughter's excrutiating struggle in the NICU- because it shows the Duggar family as the heroic, Christian soldiers that they want to be. Remember, this is the same man who said, as his wife and premature infant were DYING- "This is fixing to change our lives...we thank God for the good things and we need to praise him for the bad things too" (or some such thing). In my opinion, he's disassociated from actually caring for his family long ago- now it's all about showing YOU just how MUCH HE'S LEAVING THIS UP TO GOD.
As such, his wife's physical and mental health are secondary. The health of the flower he's planted in her uterus is secondary. The physical and mental well-being of his children (who are also dealing with this loss) is secondary. What matters to this family, and generally to all QF/ATI/Gothard families, is the evidence of their devotion to the principle.
On a more personal note, I was actually angry when I read his request for privacy. Not because they don't deserve privacy. THEY ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DO DESERVE to grieve this loss with the dignity and privacy that most families would grieve it. The anger within me comes from knowing that this will only be "private" until it's needed for ratings or for the family's mission purposes. I also suspect, and am angry, because it will only be private in the same way that they didn't give us daily updates on Josie's progress, but kept it "private" until they gave updates to the Today Show or People or 19 Kids and Counting producers.
This show needs to end.
ETA: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20552365,00.html
This people article, quoting Michelle, is the answer to the first question - "will they try again?" Despite the fact that, as I understand it, the progesterone dip would follow the miscarriage, and not necessarily mean that that's what caused the miscarriage, this is the excuse and "out" Michelle is looking for to try again. She'll follow the Bates' example and use progesterone next time. If she does, I have a feeling this show will be done- you can't say that you're leaving it up to God's will if you're taking meds to prevent God's will.
Yes. I heard about the miscarriage.
I'm torn about giving my opinion or sharing my thoughts on this because, at the very least, a family who wanted another child is suffering a loss and that loss is tragic to them. Who am I to judge them at a time like this? I'm no one. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not really judging them as much as I am explaining their rationale for people who've never experienced a family like them before. Right or wrong - I have an insight and I've been asked to share that insight.
They WILL try again. Like I said in my last post, it didn't matter how this pregnancy ended; happy, sad, tragic, joyous- in their mind, whatever happens would be a blessing from God. I have no doubt that at this very moment, in the Duggar home, the family is consoling themselves with the thought that their 20th (21st, if you count Michelle's first miscarriage) child is with Jesus. Not only is he/she with Jesus, but HE/SHE WAS CHOSEN to go early - they would consider this AN HONOR! I've heard some ask if they would see a difference between this loss and their first loss and the answer is a resounding "YES!". The first loss was not God's will, but the consequence of their decision to use that Evil Birth Control (EBC). This loss can't be blamed on that. You might wonder if they're self-aware enough, as ridiculous as the premise is, of seeing their pride and hubris as a sin worthy of punishment from God? I have to say that I don't know where they fall on that spectrum. My heart tells me that they will ask themselves this question because of the perpetual guilt trip and fault finding spirit that Gothard instills in these families. My head tells me that, although the Duggars wear the Gothard/ATI/QF badges on their sleeves, they're also Reality Show stars with the narcissicism and egos that seem to go along with being on TLC. They've likely started to believe that they are a virtuous, moral family REWARDED by God with this show. As such, they will fall to seeing this loss as a blessing. The real question isn't how they will perceive this loss, I supppose, but what they do with that?
The potential exists for them to view this loss as a warning from God to quit the show. That's a slim potential, but it exists nonetheless. They may also see this as God's challenge to them to keep up their mission despite another set-back. After all, Josie came out "okay", right? They may use this as a "teachable moment"- "see how we didn't let this loss stand in the way of our belief that we should accept all children from God?!?!?" If they truly view their show as a mission, then we will see every step in the process of their grief and acceptance because they view themselves as a light!
Unless TLC tells them otherwise (and what are the chances of that happening), we will see the ultrasound. We will see the kids being told (at the very least, we'll see the reactions of the girls who went with Jim Bob and Michelle) and we will see the door to the Tinker Toy House be closed for a few days before they regroup and film the funeral. We'll be shown the funeral. I would call on TLC to have a conscience and not exploit this for ratings. However, I have a feeling Jim Bob will insist it all be shown for the same reasons that they gave us a birdseye view on his dad's death and his youngest daughter's excrutiating struggle in the NICU- because it shows the Duggar family as the heroic, Christian soldiers that they want to be. Remember, this is the same man who said, as his wife and premature infant were DYING- "This is fixing to change our lives...we thank God for the good things and we need to praise him for the bad things too" (or some such thing). In my opinion, he's disassociated from actually caring for his family long ago- now it's all about showing YOU just how MUCH HE'S LEAVING THIS UP TO GOD.
As such, his wife's physical and mental health are secondary. The health of the flower he's planted in her uterus is secondary. The physical and mental well-being of his children (who are also dealing with this loss) is secondary. What matters to this family, and generally to all QF/ATI/Gothard families, is the evidence of their devotion to the principle.
On a more personal note, I was actually angry when I read his request for privacy. Not because they don't deserve privacy. THEY ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DO DESERVE to grieve this loss with the dignity and privacy that most families would grieve it. The anger within me comes from knowing that this will only be "private" until it's needed for ratings or for the family's mission purposes. I also suspect, and am angry, because it will only be private in the same way that they didn't give us daily updates on Josie's progress, but kept it "private" until they gave updates to the Today Show or People or 19 Kids and Counting producers.
This show needs to end.
ETA: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20552365,00.html
This people article, quoting Michelle, is the answer to the first question - "will they try again?" Despite the fact that, as I understand it, the progesterone dip would follow the miscarriage, and not necessarily mean that that's what caused the miscarriage, this is the excuse and "out" Michelle is looking for to try again. She'll follow the Bates' example and use progesterone next time. If she does, I have a feeling this show will be done- you can't say that you're leaving it up to God's will if you're taking meds to prevent God's will.
Friday, November 11, 2011
What's up with those Duggars and other questions?
E-mails have been coming in left-and-right over the last few days. I suppose, if this was a website earning some sort of profit, I should thank the Duggars...because every time they add a child to the mix, this blog gets more hits than a baseball at a Little League game. It also restarts an inbox rebellion from different folks wondering about my take on the Duggars. I guess people want an insight from someone who was once in the same sort of dog-and-pony show. So, here we go.
Why do you think the older Duggar girls aren't being courted?
I don't know that they aren't. If they were, we wouldn't know until Jim Bob was certain that the Godly Young Man was ready to "adequately provide" for his daughters. That's the problem, really. There's an unspoken and unwritten "law" in Gothard/ATI/SAHD families that if the father truly loves his daughters, he will wait for a match for her that can provide on the same level. For most fundy, ATI families, this really isn't much of a problem since, as a rule, they're almost all broke and pauperish. The Duggars have vaulted themselves into a different level of "adequate provision". How many undereducated, blue-collar (or less), barely shaving, Godly Young Man (GYM) is going to have the resources to match what those Duggar girls are accustomed to? Not many, if any! Jim Bob, maybe knowingly (but probably by accident) has created a problem for himself. If he's going to marry off a daughter, the pickings are slim! It used to be, in QF/ATI circles, that a girl was looking spinsterish if she hit 22 and didn't have a plan. But these more prominent and sucessful ATI/QF families are finding that they need those girls at home and they need the income that they often provide through at-home-business (or ratings). So they do what any fledgling religion does when the current standards no longer work so well - they change the rules and expectations. The Duggar Girls are now being shown as the model of SAH Daughterhood. These girls that are so willing to give their hearts to God and their choices to their father that they redefine purity into a marathon. Okay so that was a long answer to an easy question. The answer is that Jim Bob has created a problem for himself that's not easily solved.
Additionally, the Duggars have started to, from what I'm told, see themselves as a seperate ministry from ATI. They see themselves as a light on a hill and other fundy families are questioning how "involved" to get with one limelight when the "head limelight" (insert Bill Gothard or other fundamental leader here) is still watching. Anna Keller's family was really on the out-skirts of the ATI movement. They weren't ATI royalty, but look at all the attention that came their way all of the sudden. Alot of ATI families would rather avoid the spotlight because the lifestyle doesn't lend itself to the most flattering of portraits.
Do you think the older Duggar girls aren't pushing marriage because, like you, they may not want to leave the younger ones behind?
Possibly. We wouldn't know unless one of them left. I guess we could all hope that's the case. I will say that abuse on the scale of my youth is pretty hard to hide from the light of a reality crew camera. People saw Kate Gosselin's questionable behavior and cried foul. People are seeing Michelle Duggar's wacky responses to illess and injury and calling foul. I would imagine that if the older Duggars were concerned about the physical safety of their younger siblings, that we would've seen some signs of abuse on television by now. On the other hand, maybe they stay because they know how little care the smaller kids would receive from Michelle? The JOY principle can become pretty ingrained.
If Michelle dies, what do you think would happen?
I hope Michelle and her baby are safe and healthy. There's no way I would wish the loss of a mother on anyone.
Hypothetically speaking, the family would run just as smoothly. I don't think Jim Bob would run out and find a replacement wife (although other ATI dads have). I think Jim Bob is limited by the same fame that limits his daughters' marriage prospects. I do think, and would expect, that one of the daughters would become defacto mom in Michelle's place, in much the way they are now. But they wouldn't marry and would sacrifice themselves for the good of the family. I guess you could relate it to becoming a nun for the Catholic faith. One of the girls would become a Duggar Nun.
They really don't know who the Beatles are?
They really don't know who the Beatles are! People think I'm stretching the truth when I tell them how little I knew of pop culture past and present. ATI is worse than being Amish. The Amish at least circulate within society to a certain degree. Growing up ATI is like growing up on an island without television or radio. I know my dad took at of the radios out of our family cars so we wouldn't be influenced or tempted to listen to ANY music outside of what he allowed. The TV in the house isn't hooked up to cable and it's usually not even plugged in until there's some sort of ATI promo material to watch. The strangest part of that sort of childhood was that, when I did get out, I would hear a song on the radio and realize I already knew the melody. The machine had simply taken pop music melodies and inserted "inspiring" lyrics. But, no. They don't know about the Beatles or Michael Jackson or even Johnny Cash. Unless you're Jesus (or now the Duggars) there's no "celebrity status" in that world. I mean, come on,...in what other faith would Dolly Parton know who you were but you wouldn't know who she was?
How do you feel about #20?
I think it's potentially the most dangerous, most possibly tragic decision the Duggars have ever made. And I think they have already shown that bad outcomes don't phase them because they see the trial as a blessing from God. It's like martyrdom! The worst would only happen, in their head, because God would know they could handle it- so bring on the worst. And, if all goes well, then "Hey! Aren't we blessed? God loves us!" There's no possible loss in their twisted way of thinking. I am, truthfully, unaffected by #20. It's not my family. At the same time, as a human being who was raised with that same twisted way of thinking, I'm rendered speechless by the hypocrisy. It is hypocritical to say you value life so much when your precious miracle baby will no be relegated to "sister mommies" and when you can't appreciate the actual moments of life because there's so much around you. Ever notice how musuems that collect fine art rarely put 20 Van Goghs in one room? Or, how a wealthy art lover rarely hangs 20 Monet pieces in the living room? It's because the true art lover likely understands that individual beauty can get overwhelmed by more beauty to the point where it's just another painting.
Too many poppies in a field can make it so that you only see the field of orange and not the individual flower. If you don't take time to nurture each flower in your garden, the flowers die.
Why do you think the older Duggar girls aren't being courted?
I don't know that they aren't. If they were, we wouldn't know until Jim Bob was certain that the Godly Young Man was ready to "adequately provide" for his daughters. That's the problem, really. There's an unspoken and unwritten "law" in Gothard/ATI/SAHD families that if the father truly loves his daughters, he will wait for a match for her that can provide on the same level. For most fundy, ATI families, this really isn't much of a problem since, as a rule, they're almost all broke and pauperish. The Duggars have vaulted themselves into a different level of "adequate provision". How many undereducated, blue-collar (or less), barely shaving, Godly Young Man (GYM) is going to have the resources to match what those Duggar girls are accustomed to? Not many, if any! Jim Bob, maybe knowingly (but probably by accident) has created a problem for himself. If he's going to marry off a daughter, the pickings are slim! It used to be, in QF/ATI circles, that a girl was looking spinsterish if she hit 22 and didn't have a plan. But these more prominent and sucessful ATI/QF families are finding that they need those girls at home and they need the income that they often provide through at-home-business (or ratings). So they do what any fledgling religion does when the current standards no longer work so well - they change the rules and expectations. The Duggar Girls are now being shown as the model of SAH Daughterhood. These girls that are so willing to give their hearts to God and their choices to their father that they redefine purity into a marathon. Okay so that was a long answer to an easy question. The answer is that Jim Bob has created a problem for himself that's not easily solved.
Additionally, the Duggars have started to, from what I'm told, see themselves as a seperate ministry from ATI. They see themselves as a light on a hill and other fundy families are questioning how "involved" to get with one limelight when the "head limelight" (insert Bill Gothard or other fundamental leader here) is still watching. Anna Keller's family was really on the out-skirts of the ATI movement. They weren't ATI royalty, but look at all the attention that came their way all of the sudden. Alot of ATI families would rather avoid the spotlight because the lifestyle doesn't lend itself to the most flattering of portraits.
Do you think the older Duggar girls aren't pushing marriage because, like you, they may not want to leave the younger ones behind?
Possibly. We wouldn't know unless one of them left. I guess we could all hope that's the case. I will say that abuse on the scale of my youth is pretty hard to hide from the light of a reality crew camera. People saw Kate Gosselin's questionable behavior and cried foul. People are seeing Michelle Duggar's wacky responses to illess and injury and calling foul. I would imagine that if the older Duggars were concerned about the physical safety of their younger siblings, that we would've seen some signs of abuse on television by now. On the other hand, maybe they stay because they know how little care the smaller kids would receive from Michelle? The JOY principle can become pretty ingrained.
If Michelle dies, what do you think would happen?
I hope Michelle and her baby are safe and healthy. There's no way I would wish the loss of a mother on anyone.
Hypothetically speaking, the family would run just as smoothly. I don't think Jim Bob would run out and find a replacement wife (although other ATI dads have). I think Jim Bob is limited by the same fame that limits his daughters' marriage prospects. I do think, and would expect, that one of the daughters would become defacto mom in Michelle's place, in much the way they are now. But they wouldn't marry and would sacrifice themselves for the good of the family. I guess you could relate it to becoming a nun for the Catholic faith. One of the girls would become a Duggar Nun.
They really don't know who the Beatles are?
They really don't know who the Beatles are! People think I'm stretching the truth when I tell them how little I knew of pop culture past and present. ATI is worse than being Amish. The Amish at least circulate within society to a certain degree. Growing up ATI is like growing up on an island without television or radio. I know my dad took at of the radios out of our family cars so we wouldn't be influenced or tempted to listen to ANY music outside of what he allowed. The TV in the house isn't hooked up to cable and it's usually not even plugged in until there's some sort of ATI promo material to watch. The strangest part of that sort of childhood was that, when I did get out, I would hear a song on the radio and realize I already knew the melody. The machine had simply taken pop music melodies and inserted "inspiring" lyrics. But, no. They don't know about the Beatles or Michael Jackson or even Johnny Cash. Unless you're Jesus (or now the Duggars) there's no "celebrity status" in that world. I mean, come on,...in what other faith would Dolly Parton know who you were but you wouldn't know who she was?
How do you feel about #20?
I think it's potentially the most dangerous, most possibly tragic decision the Duggars have ever made. And I think they have already shown that bad outcomes don't phase them because they see the trial as a blessing from God. It's like martyrdom! The worst would only happen, in their head, because God would know they could handle it- so bring on the worst. And, if all goes well, then "Hey! Aren't we blessed? God loves us!" There's no possible loss in their twisted way of thinking. I am, truthfully, unaffected by #20. It's not my family. At the same time, as a human being who was raised with that same twisted way of thinking, I'm rendered speechless by the hypocrisy. It is hypocritical to say you value life so much when your precious miracle baby will no be relegated to "sister mommies" and when you can't appreciate the actual moments of life because there's so much around you. Ever notice how musuems that collect fine art rarely put 20 Van Goghs in one room? Or, how a wealthy art lover rarely hangs 20 Monet pieces in the living room? It's because the true art lover likely understands that individual beauty can get overwhelmed by more beauty to the point where it's just another painting.
Too many poppies in a field can make it so that you only see the field of orange and not the individual flower. If you don't take time to nurture each flower in your garden, the flowers die.
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