Willingly and completely

I guess the cat is out of the bag. :)
As some of you knew, my birthday was last week. I thought it was going to be a quiet day without much fuss (just as I like it). But- Harris had other plans. We started the day by driving up to his parents place for a family dinner. His mom managed to get enough pictures together to do a cute little scrapbook. This was my gift. As I was looking through it, I have to be honest, I was kind of thinking that she was a little premature because there would be a picture of me at 2 years old and then a picture of Harris (on the next page) at 2 years old. Then a picture of me at 13 and a picture of Harris at 13. And, so on and so on - until it became a record of things he and I had done together. A lot of blank pages were left in the scrapbook and I thought it was a sweet idea that she had left room for us to keep putting things in the book. After cake, Harris asked me to take a walk with him. Still pretty normal for when we visit his parents, although as I'm still in PT, I was a little worried about walking on uneven ground at night. I needn't have worried for when we went outside, his dad had hitched up this old hay wagon to one of the horses and he took us for a nighttime ride. I think I started to realize something was up when I saw that they'd lined the path with luminarias. We got to this small rise on the back of their property, that overlooks the river, and there's a bench where multiple generations of his family have come to pop the question. It was beautiful - little lanterns where everywhere and there was a bouquet of flowers on the bench (not that they were really needed because there were poppies and lupine everywhere, growing wild). I actually started to panic and I still don't understand why because I knew as soon as I saw this that I was going to say yes - but I had major butterflies in my stomach. Harris helped me out of the wagon and his dad pulled a ways-a-way to give us privacy. The conversation we had is private but the basics included that he promised to love me forever and asked if I would promise the same in return. I said "Yes!"

My ring is beautiful. It's his grandmother's engagement ring so it's very simple and I love it. Just one small diamond in a gold setting.

I can't tell you how different this feels from my first engagement. There's no way to compare the two. I wish my father and every other patriarchal, Gothard father could see how special and wonderful this was and how willing I was to say yes. I truly don't believe my father could've picked someone as right for me as Harris and I think it was the time we spent getting to know each other privately that makes this feel so right. It was the small arguments and how we learned to handle them and the shopping together and, yes, sleeping in the same bed on occasion that makes me so ready to promise myself to him. I can't wait to build a home and a life with this man.

Now to the questions I've received in e-mail and on facebook and other places-
Have you set a date?
Tentatively, yes. April or May of 2012. We haven't made any plans yet because the engagement just happened! :)

Have you told your parents?
Yes. I felt like I should and I needed to. I made the call home and my mom answered (THANK GOD!). She was really happy for me but that happiness was cut short by my father (as I expected). He wanted to make it clear to me that this wasn't a God sanctioned union and Harris hadn't asked his permission so blah, blah, blah. Harris won't be asking his permission. The funny thing was - I called using one of Harris' cousins' cell phones and they've been getting hang-up calls three times a day ever since. :/

Are you going to involve your family in the wedding?
I don't know, yet. If I thought that my dad could handle it, I might. I just don't think he can. I would love to have my siblings there but that gets complicated because for the younger ones it means having my dad there, too. I don't know right now. I would hope they could be there. We'll see.

Are you quitting school?
No! ?

Are you pregnant?
No! Again - ?

Thank you for the well wishes!

Whoa!

I wasn't planning to blog today -
Then, I received an e-mail that just had to be made public (he asked for it). I make it public if for no other reason than to show you just how the patriarchal mind thinks. The e-mail came to the e-mail address linked with this blog (easy to find) and I think you'll quickly decode who it was written by. This is a copy/paste. The only thing that has been changed are the names of my family and the person who wrote it (because that might lead to identifying me and cause harm for his wife and children).

Dear *Ruth,

I knew you would end up no good...washed up...blameing every body but your selve for your troubles in life...generaly being bitter about your life. I knew it then and I know it for sure now.
You lied about our courtship...only fair that you give me a voice to tell my story and if you do not I will sue you for slandering me.
Your daddy begged my father to present you to me. GODS honest truth. HE BEGGED... BEGGED becaused you are worthless and were worthless as a wife. It does not surprize me that you are unmarried still. You were ugly physically...refusing GODS promise for womanhood shows in your face now and then. I prayed and God told me that my father was right that I had to ask you for your hand because GOD promised it would show us who you really were. GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL...HE ALWAYS WILL KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. A rightous woman would honor her fathers choices for her...I confidantly knew you would reject me just cause your father wanted it for us so I had no worry in proposing marriage to you
TELL YOUR ADORRING READING PUBLIC THAT YOU MASTURBATED. You were unpure before GOD. Me and you kissing was nothing compared to what GOD had on your heart. You seemed to liked my kiss...saying blogging you didn't is like a WHORE saying she doesn't like sex. All for show...all for show.
Your daddy wanted you gone from that house for your influance on those kids in umbrella of rightous protection. Under the LORD OUR GOD you flaunted all the rewards of TRUE COURTLY LOVE...you deserved being kicked out. Pray... Tell your adorring readers that I offered you a home...a ring...a place in a faithful union called by GOD. I make $70,000 a year...you are a poor single WHORE. Education isn't smartness. A boyfriend isn't a husband...it is against GOD. Harris can't give you salvation only GOD CAN DO THAT. You said that I physically abused you...liar. Liar. LIES. I never pushed you...your word againso mine...and who will people believe a liar or a happily married man with a good living and no need to blog about the stupid problems I have. The day your dad called me to say you were leaving his protection I just had a relief brought by GOD...I was so glad I could get on with finding his real partner for me...which I did after one more just like you who sinned against me.
I have four children...what do you have...my GODLY BEAUTIFUL wife is expecting number five and we leave it to HIS WILL. You are a sorry excuse compared to my wife....she knows college meant nothing compared to TRUE WOMANHOOD. Being a TRUE WOMAN is accepting the roll GOD MADE YOU TO PERFORM. Don't you see that every peice of your life is falls apart on trial...I hope you do because I don't love you but I care for you in GODS way.
REPENT AND ASK FOR HIS FORGIVENESS RUTH. DO IT NOW! BRING YOUR SELF BEFORE HIM IN SWEET AGONY TO ASK FOR THE WAY BE SHOWN TO YOU. FERVENTLY PRAY FOR THE LIGHT OF GOD. JAMES 5:16. HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE YOUR FATHER ETERNAL AND YOUR FATHER TEMPORAL. You will never go anywhere before asking your fathers forgiveness.
Be truthful Ruth.
Aron

I know I'm recovering from my childhood when I can read this and laugh. With Harris by my side, I can see the desperation inherant in this diatribe. Here we see a man who has re-written history to portray himself as the hero. Such a Gothard trait! Where would we women be without the steadying hand of a man? :)

Sorry -

I'm doing well. Still recovering from the accident a few months ago. I took a break from blogging to concentrate on school and getting healthy. I took the paypal link down because some were talking about my not thanking them and I realized that they were absolutely right. I hadn't been keeping up with the thank yous like I once had and that meant I wasn't keeping up with the sort of person I want to be. Harris and I are well, as a couple. We're seeing where the road takes us.

Love to you all. I will try to blog more as school gets less crazy and I get my summer plans firmed up.

Pro-life/Pro-Choice

The good news is: my brother managed to send me a few pictures from when I was little (Harris' mom wanted them for a project). The bad news is: they triggered a few memories that I would've rather forgotten.

Picture number one was of me sitting on the porch with my siblings. We're all dressed in our "best" and holding picket signs. My little sister is holding that famous "pro-life" sign showing the aborted fetus. At the time, I thought that that's what an aborted fetus looked like. Later, much much later, I heard that that picture was really an eighteen week fetus that had been miscarried. I know abortion is a touchy subject and the point of this blog isn't pro-life/pro-choice - what I'm really angered about is that at such a young age, my siblings and I were made to be show pieces for the "pro-life travelling show". We would get together with other families in the area and stand on corners holding up our signs. We only knew abortion from the twisted and really black-and-white lectures we were given. On FJ, someone said that she resented people who were like us (like I used to be) because it took the decision to talk about abortion with her children in her own time away from her and she's absolutely right. Not only is she right about her child, but she's right about the children participating in the protest. ATI/QF wants to talk about protecting children from the world and keeping their hearts innocent - and then they go and shove a three year old in front of traffic and shove a sign showing a botched abortion in their hand! For the record - I was told that abortions were the result of ONLY pre-marital, teen sex, OR affairs. Because, as it was explained to me, what women in her God designed relationship would even consider turning down that blessing? I was told that the women who had abortions WOULD get some sort of cancer (breast cancer, I think) or an STD. Still- mainly- we didn't even discuss it as much as we were shoved out there to protest something we couldn't possibly understand at such a young age.

Picture number two is me holding a baby (I think I know which one but it could be one of our guests' babies). I'm smiling - but I'm looking off to the left of camera and I'm holding the baby like it has a smelly diaper or it has a contagious disease. Yep, that was my childhood and my job- the baby holder. :/

Picture number three is my older brother's "graduation" from homeschool. It's probably one of the last pictures my family ever took of me in the house. What makes me choke up isn't the picture - it's the house and the people in it. I miss my siblings so much. I miss certain things about that house. But, the pow-pow stick (labeled "Discipline" with paint) gives me chills. That came along when I was a little older, so I didn't get it as much - but some of my sisters did. And there it is in the picture of my brother's graduation - lurking in the background. WTF?

That's it though. Those are the pictures my brother could get for me - an abortion rally, holding a stinky baby, and at a homeschool graduation with the threat of discipline hanging around. Yes. My life in pictures.

Then, I look around my room here and see the pictures I have tacked around. Harris and I at his parents this Christmas. Me and a hiking pal on top of a peak. Me with a friend swimming in a mountain creek. The boys from my nanny gig and I with paintball paint on us and another of us from a Chuck E Cheese photo booth. These are the pictures I should have from my childhood.

Again with the drama.

I have written and re-written this post. At the end of all the re-writing, I've decided to go back to my original draft because -well - I guess there are things that need to be said and need to be aired.
This e-mail came in two days ago.
"Ruth" I don't know if you know but Vyckie has outed you and not in a good way. Your name is "XXXX XXXXXX". You grew up in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,XX. Your father is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. You need to know she is not a friendly. Vyckie is two-faced.
My first instinct was to e-mail Vyckie. After all, that's what I've done before when someone tried to stir up drama. I support the goal of NLQ and since Vyckie is the founder, I supported her. What stopped me this time was the fact that the name the e-mail contained is the name Vyckie, and only Vyckie, had been told and knew. The town mentioned was the town I grew up in.
So, as I see it now, there are two options. Either Vyckie has betrayed my confidence or someone from my family has found another ally to continue picking at the scab. Both options make me feel ill. Before I could make a decision about what to do and who to confront, I received another e-mail.
"Ruth, did you know Vyckie is telling people you received money at Christmas from the Tina Anderson Foundation? I donated to them specifically for you. Why didn't you make a post thanking them? You owe them publicity for their generosity."
This puzzled me further. FOR THE RECORD: I RECEIVED NOTHING FROM THIS FOUNDATION. Here is what I know. Before Christmas, during the time of my accident, an e-mail came in from Vyckie. I didn't see it right away because of the accident and other circumstances. The e-mail said:
Ruth, I hope you are feeling much better and recovering well from the accident. I received the following note from Jocelyn Zichterman:

"You seem to know Razin Ruth personally and it seems that on her blog she is trying to stay anonymous. So we are in a little predicament. We want to surprise her (Tina Anderson Foundation) with a money gift for Christmas. But in order to do that, since we are a non-profit, we have to document to the government who we gave the money to and why. I also need her address, to send this gift on to her.

Do you think you could have some preliminary conversation with her asap, and let her know that we would keep her identity 100% confidential---never to reveal it---but that we just need it for our private records. We'd LOVE to send her a little something and get it to her before Christmas. I plan to run out Monday morning to get the gift cards. If she has any specific needs too...just let me know. Hopefully you can fish for details without giving too much away:):)"

So now I'm wondering if you could be this person for us? Or do you know of anyone else who knows her?

Thanks so much! Just hoping to relieve some of her pressure over Christmas. Joc.:):)


You can respond to Jocelyn directly at: jocelyn*******@gmail.com

I didn't respond until AFTER Christmas. I wrote to Jocelyn and Vyckie and I never heard back from either of them. Also, to be clear, I said I was wary of giving away my identifying information, regardless. I found it odd that neither Jocelyn, nor Vyckie, responded to my response.

Now I get this e-mail saying people donated through this foundation because they thought they were helping me and I feel strangely. The foundation looks legit but I never received a return e-mail or a penny. If you donated, please contact me because I feel horrible that my name is being used in this manner. Hopefully, this is all one big misunderstanding and there's a logical explanation.

What I do know is that my family wouldn't have known about the e-mail from Vyckie regarding the Tina Anderson Foundation. I welcome someone who can give me a logical explanation of what is going on.

This feels like crap.
What is going on?
I don't know that either or both or neither of these people is doing anything wrong but something doesn't feel right. This is my plea to everyone involved to discuss this publicly so that there's no more "using" going on. If the emailer is using Vyckie or TAF to try to instigate drama, then they're awful and I'll feel awful for putting all of this out here but I don't see a way around it right now. Part of me starting this blog was to put the use or abuse of others in the light of day - either way, I'm being used and I hate it. Why continue the blog or the story if it's to be used?
I'm sorry to ramble and rant but I'm sick of it.

Life with the Turners

I left the courts that day with the Kleins and Turners. The Turners were given a temporary guardianship of me. To clarify, because it seems like some people in comments might be thinking otherwise, I was not technically or legally emancipated, nor was I made a true ward of the court. The decision for me to go to the Turners was a compromise.

The terms were pretty simple. I would live with the Turners, but my parnets would have the ability to contact me 24/7 and make any major medical or educational decisions. In some ways, my parents didn't do themselves any favors by homeschooling me because homeschooling allowed me to "graduate" young. Had they waited to have me graduate, it's possible that I would've had to attend "class" with my mom for part of the day. As it was, I only spoke with them on the phone or had the occasional meal with a family member, with the Turners or Kleins present at all times. After a few weeks, my parents stopped calling. The communication stopped and I heard that they had started telling people that I left their umbrella of protection for the world.
More later.

49 Character Qualities of Ruth

Ruth, when will you continue the story?
I've given it a great amount of thought and I'm not sure that there's much story left to tell. Once I left my parents house - my life was complicated to the extreme and became a day-to-day struggle (which it still is). I'm not sure anyone's interested in the events that took place after those court hearings. What I can do is answer more questions as you all ask them. So, here's the opening - what would you like to know?