Life March

Today, while I was waitressing, a customer came in and asked me to get him a table for four. No big deal...that's the job, right? As soon as his "party" joined him, I realized that his party was a group of Right to Life marchers, taking a lunch break from their stint outside the local Planned Parenthood. Let me start by saying that I believe we all have a right to our opinons and, as Americans, we have a right to protest those things which we find objectionable. This man and his party absolutely had a right to stand in the cold and rain objecting to something they can't tolerate within their own lives. Where I went a little numb with recollection and anger, was where their rights infringed on my own and left me in an all too familiar position of powerlessness. I sat them at their table. As it happened, they were in my section and therefore mine to wait on. I greeted them and even offered to put their signs in an out of the way location (mostly because of the grotesque and obviously photoshopped images on the sign, but also because the signs were in the walkway and OSHA would have a cow). The conversastion went something like this:

Me: Welcome to *************. Are you having a pleasant day? It sure is wet outside, would you like to start with coffee?

Guy 1: That sounds good.

Me; Also, I noticed that your signs are hanging into our walk way. Would you allow me to put them in our employee breakroom while you eat? I just don't want anyone tripping over them.

Guy 1: No...I think we'll keep them handy. Are they offensive to you?

Me: I just wanted to make everyone in the resteraunt comfortable. If you want to keep them, can you slide them under the table a bit and make sure they're not in the walk way?

Guy 2: (who hasn't said a "hello" or "goodmorning" or "F/U") We HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THESE SIGNS! You can't take away our first ammendment right! Guy 1: If they make you uncomfortable, then maybe you need to get right with God?

Ok. For starters, I think I'm as right with God as I am going to be until thought and prayer rectifies what was done to me in God's name for so many years. But, aside from that, what the heck? I'm just a waitress. I greet you and seat you. Not to be rude, but to me, you're a customer whether you're pro-choice or pro-life...I hate to even say that I don't care what you believe...as long as I'm doing my job and you're satisfied with the service and the food- we're all happy. The signs did, in fact, make me uncomfortable. ---- Because, the signs were laden with half-truths and scare tactics and had pictures of mangled fetuses in varying (and horribly mislabled) stages of growth. It just wasn't appropriate and it was unsafe.

Me: Sir, your signs are your signs, of course. As long as you move them out of the serving lanes and customer walk ways, you can do with them what you like. Guy 1: I think I need to speak to your manager.

Now, I'm lucky. My manager backed me up 100% and reitterated the issue.

Guy 2: We understand you're just trying to keep everyone safe. We'll put them in our car.

WTF!?! Um. Seriously? Was it because he was male? This whole day really took me back to an unhappy place. I remember being very, very young and bundled up in the sleety, cold morning to go stand on some corner holding signs I didn't understand. I remember shouting "No more!" even thought I didn't know what I was objecting to. I was a small child, after all. As a Gothard child, I didn't know what a uterus was unless it related to someone elses' right to decide who got to inhabit it. I don't even think I knew I had a uterus until much later. But, the point of having me stand outside in the cold, waving signs wasn't to make anyone think about the real problems with population control or birth control or womens' rights. The point was to put forth an adorable child to make those unsure of their beliefs feel guilt over choices they may have made. The point was to show other parents that our parents were holier and more devoted to God than yours because our parents placed their fear of God over our comfort. Our parents wanted to protect the potential child in your uterus more than they wanted to protect us from a car sliding just a foot to the right on an icy road. Our parents wanted YOU to feel bad that we had to stand in the cold for your sin. I even remember my dad telling a younger sibling to take off a scarve and mittens because we were supposed "to be making a point". We stood on milk crates with signs detailing mangled fetuses because our parents figured out that they couldn't control someone elses' sex life. How pathetic? And now, these guys were going to put real, living, breathing, walking, talking humans in danger because their precious signs meant more than the safety of their servers. Again, if as an adult you want to protest, then protest. But, don't use your kids and don't put other people in danger for your protest. These marches on Washington don't stop abortions- they're simply self-congratulatory, "look at me, I'm so righteous", group arrogrance. If you want to stop women from choosing abortion, then go volunteer to help battered women. Go give a struggling single mom a hand. Work towards better schools and better care for the children that are already here. Work toward legislation that would make adoption more feasible for people. DO SOMETHING besides standing there waving a sign! At the end of the meal, I did my obligatory sweep back to the table to check on my guests. One of them asked me if I was pro-life or pro-choice. I was honestly taken aback because it seemed inappropriate. I asked if they really wanted to know what I thought? They said yes. I told them I support women and children period. I told them that taking a black-and-white side was the wrong way to help women and children. They didn't leave me a tip. Instead, I got a pro-life trading card.

Happy New Year

Happy 2013! Wow. It has been a strange two weeks. First, and absolutely foremost, I want two, very kind readers. I'm not sure if you want your names out there but you know who you are. Your donation seriously helped me out of a very dark place emotionally. Getting a room for a night and getting a hot shower and a regular bed were a true shot in the arm. It also gave me a worry free night to strategize and figure out what I was doing wrong. I know there have been many questions so I'll do my best to answer them. <b>How did you get homeless? Yes. I lost trailer I was living in. Basically, and some of this was my bad for not really reading the lease agreement that I signed, the owner of the trailer was allowing me to live on the land, in the trailer, because I was keeping an eye on the place in addition to/or in exchange for/ a pretty good reduced rent. Because I was working almost all of the time, I wasn't there when some of his possessions went missing and he felt that that violated the spirit of our agreement and he gave me a week's notice to vacate before he had someone to replace me. I had to get out pretty quick. What I didn't really understand was how hard it would be to afford an apartment or qualify with my almost non-existant credit history. I'm still working on it. For the moment, I've swallowed my pride and opened up a dialogue with a member of Harris' family and she is letting me sublet a room in her rental home. But, for about a month, I was living in my very small car and in shelters. You do what you have to do and while I am not proud of it- it happened and now I won't make the same mistakes. Are you sure you're not cyclically depressed, Mary? I also applied for a program that gives free mental health assistance to low income people. I explained my situation and basically sat in the office during a day off and the lady got tired of me. :) She set me up with a therapist and a volunteer psychiatrist who put me back on an antidepressant. The devil's medication. ;) I guess I need the devil because I'm doing much better in terms of my outlook on life. I'm beginning to understand that I will probably deal with depression and lack of faith in myself my entire life. My new therapist did recommend that I start blogging or journaling more regularly. Her take was different than my initial therapists rationale though. The new therapist (we'll call her Julia) thinks that blogging keeps me "in the world" and gives me feedback that I need (good and bad) to evaluate my progress. She also thinks that I will find self-worth in giving my story to others as a cautionary tale and I do agree with that. What say you, readers? Has my blog helped you or anyone you know parent better or avoid QF/ATI? Do you need financial help or help budgeting? My husband and I had horrible financial problems when we were young. Email me if you need help making a plan. I do need help in all ways financially. I tried having my student loans deferred, but since I'm working two jobs they want their money. I financed all of my education and lifestyle for those long years and I have a huge debt to pay. My payments are over $200 a month. Since my resolution is to be less secretive or ashamed of my issues. I'll share that my bills are as follows: Student loans: $200 New rent: $300 (for one room) Food: $170 Medicine: $68 Car related things: $300 Clothing and things for living: $100 I make about $1400 between two waitressing jobs.

And so this is Christmas...

Hello my friends (and enemies), Life has been really, really rough lately. I didn't get to go to Disneyland with Ellie, which, admittedly, is a third world problem and I've no right to whine about things of that nature. But, I'm also still homeless and still barely making it meet. Times like these, I can really sympathizize with QF wives/Daughters. What to do you when you weren't raised to make major life decisions or manage money (or even have an idea about economies and budgets)? How do you ever progress to an adulthood. I paid my bills and had a place to live- what I didn't have was a resettling pot or a planB. I can't live like this anymore. I've been sick again lately and this time it's definitely from my mental state and from exhaustion. My day starts at 4am. I get up, get dressed, and go to work the breakfast shift. Stay there until noon rush ends. I eat leftovers from the kitchen. Makes me want to tell people- HATE YOUR FOOD, SEND IT BACK! That way I can has their cheeseburger. About 2pm, I show up for job two. Cleaning rooms in a motel. It is far below my degree, but you do what you have to. When I"m not working, I'm writing. When I'm not writing, I see Ellie. I don't do anything for myself. That's why when my dad opened up his can of Christmas ass-hat, I found myself very angry. I hate him. He wrote a note to me, enclosed in a gift, saying, "I've heard you are in need of financial guidance.....wait for it...I have enclosed some seminars..." Firts gift from dad in years and it's more emotional baggage. So, here's my letter to Santa: Dear Santa, I've never written you because my fundamental parents decided you were too worldy for them. They would've let arenic in your cookies so it's probably better you hadn't gone by our home in any case. I think this many years of not writing allows me this one, adult wish list...right? Santa, I want my fathr to snap out of the hallucination he's been in for many moons. I'm talking Chris Angle stuff, Santa. I need him to see and accept the world as what it is. I need my mother out of poverty. I realize that these are usually requests for God- but I'm covering my bases. I selfishly want ease and freedom. I want to be able to take Ellie to a store and buy something off the wrack. I want to give her a present. I want to quit one of my jobs and write my book. I want to get out there and meet new people. Basically, I want to live life. I'm doing my part to work and earn enough to live that life...but, it's hard. I need a mystery, piano coaching laundry woman to pop into my house. Do what you can do, Santa. Love, Mary

Is this the end?

Hello readers, Several years ago, I started this blog as part of my therapy. Running away from the QF/ATI lifestyle was a huge hurdle and the support you all gave to me through your emails and comments was invaluable. Then, when my sister needed help, you guys were there. In some ways, I feel like I owe all of you a huge debt of gratitude and more. You were there when I ended a relationship with a wonderful guy and most of you didn't judge me. Most of you gave me the strength to realize that life would go on - and it has. Through the ups and downs with my sister, you were there to help me see that my reactions were normal. In summation, this blog community was a life saver. I have, however, found that I post less-and-less as time goes by. Partly this is because I don't see myeslf as "that girl who left ATI" anymore. When I think about blogging here, I feel like it has to somehow apply to that experience of leaving ATI. The people who said I only blog when there's something bad are right. The problem is, everything that feels relevant to the blog involves my family and I've come to accept that my family brings nothing but drama. You can see the catch-22 I am in. If I update this blog and keep it on topic it will look like I'm just posting drama. I don't want to be that girl. However, I feel like I owe some closing answers to questions that were posted after my last two posts, so I want to do that. 1. Why did Rachel go back? - I really don't know the whole truth of it. She told me many times that life "out here" wasn't what she expected. I think her expectations were out of touch with reality but I really can't blame her for that. Immediately following my departure from that lifestyle, I had unrealistic views and expectations. I also believe in my deepest heart that she only left to insure that her daughter wouldn't stay in that lifestyle and be judged for being born out of wedlock. I think my sister felt like there was no place for her as a single mom in that circle and she's probably right. She would've been seen as damaged goods. Not that she still won't carry that burden, but - from what I hear- she has already been betrothed to a man whose wife left and took his kids along with her. She accepted, I think, because she doesn't think she can do any better. It's horribly sad but what other life is available to her if she wants to stay in that lifestyle. Since her return, I hear she's recommitted herself to QF. My only fear is that she'll reap the consequences of giving up Ellie and suffer religious abuse for it. 2. How is Ellie? - Ellie is wonderful. She's growing so fast. I saw her last weekend. Her family had a picnic and they invited me. She has such a strong personality and when I look at her, I wonder if that's what Rachel would've been like if we weren't born into the family we were born into. Ellie is happy and that's the happy ending to this story. It's not about me or my sister. It's about that cute little girl. 3. What are you doing, Ruth? - Working, working, working. Still living in the trailer but it's mine now. I bought it from the people I was renting it from. My dad would be proud (hahaha) to know I paid in cash. I'm working on buying a reliable car now. No, I'm not in library services. It turns out that my degree is pretty useless without a masters and budget issues within the state mean that libraries are downsizing, not hiring. I'm working two jobs- waitressing and retail. But it's a start, right? I'm not dating anyone. There's not enough time. I still struggle financially but what young person doesn't? Whenever I feel down on my situation, I think of Rachel and feel better. I feel like this blog has run into it's natural end. I still want to work toward the goal of shining a light on QF/ATI. And maybe that's where this blog will go- posting articles or stories that shine that light on Gothard and the QF realities? But, I think my story has reached it's end unless anyone has a question I haven't answered yet. If you're someone leaving or thinking about leaving ATI and you're reading here, I want to say that YOU CAN DO THIS. It will be hard but there are people out there to help you. Open your heart to the world and trust your instincts. - Ruth

Apology for the lengthy absense.

I'm sorry that I didn't post for so long. All hell broke loose on multiple fronts and I had some serious soul searching, as well as job searching, to do. Rachel went back to my parents' home. It was completely unexpected and emotionally devastating. The best I can say is that I'm glad Ellie is in a happy, healthy home and that my sister, if she couldn't be strong enough for herself, was strong enough to let go of her daughter. The basic description of the circumstances were that my QF brother convinced Rachel to meet him for a "talk" in Los Angeles. Rachel decided that she wanted to see him and so I managed transportation for us to go. We had lunch and all seemed like it was going great. Then, out of nowhere, Rachel started talking about wanting to go home. Not one to pass up such an opportunity, my brother bought her a ticket. I still haven't figured out her reasons for going home. Perhaps it was due to the degree of which she was unprepared for life outside of that lifestyle? Maybe because she wasn't progressing in her quest for an education in the manner she thought she should. Maybe I was a terrible roommate? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that this is the second time she's done this and I'm worn out. Being as she went back. My parents found out my exact address and contact information. I want nothing to do with them so I moved. I got a job that I don't like, but it pays for rent and groceries. As hard as it is, I'm living independently and it makes me feel good about myself. I'm working as much as possible and I was without a computer for a while. I bought a refurb laptop so I can get back online now with some regularity.

Quick Q&A

Congratulations Ruth! No matter how hot it gets in that trailer, I suspect it's better than living with your parents. At least you can leave the trailer whenever you want, or change it in any way you like. Exactly. Rachel and I have had some nice evenings in this trailer and it's a piece of our lives that we'll probably remember fondly. We've been playing cards and talking most evenings. It's kind of nice. To all those who posted about ways to cool off. Thank you! We tried the buckets of cold water for our feet last night and it worked shockingly well. :) Question: Have you had any contact with Harris? Another Question: How is Ellie doing? I couldn't understand how open the adoption was from your posts (and the comments sections make my eyes swim!). I hope she and her family are doing well. I suspect she will grow up thanking Rachel for her sacrifice and I hope that she's able to have a relationship with you two and your future children as part of her lovely extended family. Contact with Harris- not much to speak of. I see him now-and-then. We parted as amicably as I would suppose any engaged couple could part. Ellie- Last we saw her, Ellie was growing nicely. She's absolutely adorable. Her family is over-joyed with the new addition and they've been great with Rachel. We get a picture at least once every ten days or so at this point. That will probably lessen with time but that's expected. The adoption is pretty open. The adoptive parents don't mind e-mailing or sending pictures and exchanging notes. We're supposed to join them for a bbq on the Fourth of July. Time will tell how close we all are in the future but for now we're focusing on making it a day at a time. Rachel is working on her future. She wants to get some higher education and we're trying to get her legally emancipated. If she had kept Ellie, this would be very easy. However, since Ellie isn't legally hers, she's going to have to go through a similar experience to mine (dad would still have to give her tax information for the FAFSA). For now, she got a part time job at a local ice cream shop and she actually enjoys it. I'm just happy she's doing well post-Ellie.

I've noticed that some people are wondering how I'm doing. Some say that I only post when I have drama in my life and I suppose that they're at least partially correct when it comes to recent posting activity. The good. I graduated. I've been looking for a job and have few prospects that are looking promising. In the meantime, I'm still working full time to bring in enough to feed my sister and I. We're living in a camper van that someone loaned us. It's not as bad as it sounds. It suits or needs perfectly. The only real issue is that it's getting hot here! The camper van has to be running gas to run the AC and gas is expensive. The bad. We're living in a camper van. The ugly. This life. However, all is not lost yet. There's always the possibility that I'll get a better paying job. Maybe someone will want to publish my blog as a book? I know I'm helping other QF/ATI girls see a light at the end of a tunnel.