My therapist asked me a question that I had trouble answering. It was an easy question, or at least it should've been an easy question. "Were you QF?"
Was I? My parents were, but was I? How much of myself should be defined by my parents' choices? It's like that show Big Love, where Sara says she's not a polygamist and her friend says she is because she lives with them. Is she a polygamist because her parents chose polygamy and she's living it? In the same vein, would the Duggar children or Bates children be Quiverfullers because their parents are famously QF?
When I was a child, I didn't know if I would let God decide my family size or if I would trust in him to determine that. My parents told me I was but I didn't make a conscious decision to do that. I'm sure I've always been Christian but I don't know if I've always been or still am a literalist and conservative Christian. My parents chose our clothing because what four year old "purposes" to wear modest clothing? You're dressed in what's made available to you because you can't do your own shopping or sewing. That drives me crazy when certain parents say, "they have a conviction to dress this way" or act a certain way. It's not a choice if it's all you know to be. I didn't know pants were really an option. I knew they were for people "of the world" but I was never asked if I wanted to wear them. Just like I was never asked if I believed in God or how I believed in Him or what I believed of the Bible. It was assumed for me. Now that I'm an adult, part of this journey is deciding what is really "my" belief and what is my history. How much of who I am is defined by who my father is? I need to be careful about also running from things because they remind me of what was because it doesn't have to stay that way.
It's hard because I wasn't taught to think about what *I* wanted.
I think you've hit the nail on the head with the problem with the whole ATI/IBLP/QF movement: the people in the movement, especially the children, are taught *what* to think instead of *how* to think.
ReplyDeleteYou're going through a journey that is no stranger to most people in their early 20s. Trying to figure out exactly who you are, what you believe, and what you want is something that we all go through at some point and varying intensities. You just have a bit further to go because of your parents' involvement with the Gothard movement.
Your journey may be longer than others, but you'll make it all the same. =)
Your blog fascinates me. I found it by way of twop, and its really interesting to hear your perspective on things.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your journey.
Wow! Even though I wasn't brought up Gothard, I was brought up IFB. I can totally understand being taught *what* to think instead of how. In fact, I wasn't allowed to think. I'm 44 now and struggle so often. My dear Hubby is now teaching me at 44 how to think. Yes, at 44 but it's never too late! Your blog has been very interesting to me. I have been able to identify with so much even though I've not traveled your specific road. Wow!
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