My therapist asked me a question that I had trouble answering. It was an easy question, or at least it should've been an easy question. "Were you QF?"
Was I? My parents were, but was I? How much of myself should be defined by my parents' choices? It's like that show Big Love, where Sara says she's not a polygamist and her friend says she is because she lives with them. Is she a polygamist because her parents chose polygamy and she's living it? In the same vein, would the Duggar children or Bates children be Quiverfullers because their parents are famously QF?
When I was a child, I didn't know if I would let God decide my family size or if I would trust in him to determine that. My parents told me I was but I didn't make a conscious decision to do that. I'm sure I've always been Christian but I don't know if I've always been or still am a literalist and conservative Christian. My parents chose our clothing because what four year old "purposes" to wear modest clothing? You're dressed in what's made available to you because you can't do your own shopping or sewing. That drives me crazy when certain parents say, "they have a conviction to dress this way" or act a certain way. It's not a choice if it's all you know to be. I didn't know pants were really an option. I knew they were for people "of the world" but I was never asked if I wanted to wear them. Just like I was never asked if I believed in God or how I believed in Him or what I believed of the Bible. It was assumed for me. Now that I'm an adult, part of this journey is deciding what is really "my" belief and what is my history. How much of who I am is defined by who my father is? I need to be careful about also running from things because they remind me of what was because it doesn't have to stay that way.
It's hard because I wasn't taught to think about what *I* wanted.