Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Science Labs = Boogeyman

I'm sorry for not updating. School started up again and I had to change a few classes. Now I'm stuck, for the time being, with two science labs. (cue the ominous music) Seriously, I *love* the sciences, but these classes are killing me. I took some very basic, remedial style classes before coming here so that I'd be prepared for the basics. It still didn't help me erase 12 years of homeschooling "science" from my head. University level science courses require a different level of thinking and looking at the world. I'll get through it; I'll just be spending more time with my head in a book and less time on the internet. And, as a word of advice for anyone thinking of taking two labs in one quarter/semester: Don't! I'm not a med student for a reason. :)

I haven't heard from my father or mother in weeks. I spoke to my brother, though, and apparently I'm enemy number one. The sister that tried leaving about a year ago has left again. She left with a boy and it's all my fault or something. I hope she's okay and if she reads this- I hope she contacts me.

I guess the point of this post was to say that I'm still alive- just busy. Thanks for all of the inquiries and concern.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Playing with the layout.

Hello! I've been playing with the layout on the blog (hence the frequent changing).

Well, I have to start focusing on school here soon, so I may not get to post as much. I think we've seen the last of my father for a while (although, I can't guarantee it). He went pretty bezerk over e-mail today and I blocked his e-mail address. Before you ask, "yes!" I did get to talk to my mother, first.

I did something I haven't ever really done while talking to her. I asked her if all of this was worth it? It's something I've been wanting to ask her for a very long time. I don't want to betray her trust by sharing her answer here- but, I do want to say I'm afraid for her and I think she's a little too far gone to leave. Having the last baby, my sister, "Blessing", essentially trapped her. And, truthfully, she still loves my dad very much. I'm glad she has that love. I just wish she knew how much she's given up to stand by him. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you! I wish you could understand that I didn't leave you. It wasn't YOU (to use dad's cap system) that I was running from. I was running from what dad had planned for me. As you said on the phone, I disappointed you- but, you disappointed me, too! You wouldn't or couldn't see how terrified I was by what you claim was "the plan God had for me". How could it be his plan? How could something that I didn't feel in my heart be God's plan for me? Isn't that what you told us girls growing up? That God would speak to us and that you and dad would be there to protect us from someone with wrong intentions? What happened to that, mom? I told you, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want to marry him: that I wasn't ready for that life. You asked me if it was just because I didn't like him and the answer is that I truly don't know. If you were asking if I would've stayed in our faith had I been attracted to that guy, then I can only answer "I don't know." To this day, I don't know what I want and part of that *is* your fault, mom! You didn't raise me to make my own decisions and know that I'm making them, I'm constantly questioning myself because despite dad's claim that I'm some over-confident, stubborn brat, I'm really just a young woman who doesn't have the self-esteem to make a choice! And, when I do make choices, I question them over-and-over again.
Mom, what legacy do you want to give us girls? Do you really want us to have free will and live as God commands? Or, are we supposed to do what you did and keep sweet?
I just want you to know I love you. If you're reading this, I will always love you.

To everyone else,
I'm sorry this became a letter to my mom. Our conversation was cut short today and I think this will be the only way I can communicate with her.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Thanks and more questions for my father.

I would like to offer a special "thank you" to Michael Mock, Stacie, Anita, and Caroline. I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know what to say except "thank you".

I would also like to thank everyone who has been so kind in the last several weeks worth of comments. Your support has meant the world to me. My life has been very lonely...and then I log on here and read the wonderful words of wisdom being left for me.

My father has been e-mailing me in a frenzy for the last several hours. One request he had was for me to put his answers in a post rather than have him comment in comments because he claims he's having difficulty with the comment section. (?) However, I want to tell him here-and-now that: if he wants dedicated blog posts, then maybe he should create his own blog? Truly, dad! Why not? Then you could "educate us", as you claim to want to, and you wouldn't have to wait for me. In fact, if you're so proud of your life and the way you raised me, then why did you threaten me with legal action if I ever spoke your name on this blog? Also, dad, I would really like to speak to mom. I'm worried about the silence on her end and would really cherish a conversation with her.

I've tried to go back and find the comments he is referring to (those will be formatted in quotes). His answers, sent to me via several e-mails, are bolded.


Anonymous said...
By doing what? Emotionally blackmailing her into a shadow of the person she was created to be? What?

We are not blackmailing. If you are you a parent sir or madam if you are you would know that GOD asks parents to train up their children in the way that they should go.

Sandra said...
re: "holiest of commandments"

does Got Hard Dad somehow think "holy" (however he determines that) trumps "greatest" per Jesus himself? As in "37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment.39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

I don't know about Got Hard but I don't see that Jesus mentions anything about parents in there at all.

January 4, 2012 12:56 PM
Anonymous said...

By doing what? Emotionally blackmailing her into a shadow of the person she was created to be? What?

Sandra said...
BTW, Ruth, just wondering if Got Hard speaks in all caps like that in real life or just in writing?

GOD deserves to be stood out. We praise HIM by showing respect for HIS name.

Anonymous said...
So how does GothardDad explain all those OTHER Christian families leading happy servant lives outside of ATI?

Any one can pretend at showing a happy face. there are few who will be happy with their fate in HIS KINGDOM. Christians are happy people who know that they serve GOD in HIS plan. There are as we know people who profess a love for GOD and still choose to work against him and will be unhappy when faced with the judgement of the LORD who sees all.

I'm not sure who he was speaking to here because he didn't quote anyone specifically.
I think it's, possibly, meant for Cat.
Closness to OUR GOD and CREATOR depends on your obedeancec in the walk with HIM. Your feelings of a being so powerful as HIM is nice yet not the best judgement of a relationship. The example here is that I love my children closely to my heart but if they disobey the WORD of GOD I can't love them in heaven as they won't be there for me to love. I pray that you find obedience and peace through HIM that breathes into you.

What I find so (sadly) hilarious is how these patriarchalist fathers don't realize that the more they defend themselves and condemn those who don't submit to their authority, the more they reveal how thoroughly self-serving their pet submission dogmas are. Basically, their "sheltering" game is to claim their own spiritual and legal rights in order to deny those same rights to their wives and children.

This man who speaks ill of me knows me not but judges just as the LORD says we should not judge. Let he who is without sin cast the first stones so it goes. Fathers heed the call to shelter their children to grow to be there authentic self as GOD created them. What rights did i take from ****(Ruth) or her mother? Please tell me sir what you think you know about my home.

And here's another thing worth noting: Dad is very adept at utilizing the "honor your father and mother" command, yet seems not to have grasped the "provoke not your children to wrath" command, which is given directly to him.

Andrew is trying to confuse us who truly read the WORD. Children are as to parents as parents are to God. God does not to provoke us to wrath if we follow him but we are provoked when we err and swerve from that PATH OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT HE PROSCRIBES FOR US. Keep reading Andrew and you will see the real message being fathers should not be unreasonable. PROVOKE NOT YOUR CHILDREN TO WRATH BUT BRING THEM UP IN DISCIPLINE AND INSTRUCTION IN THE LORD!
Your children are burdened by the lies and deceit you have proffered them via the heresies preached by Bill Gothard. How does a unmarried man who lived with his mother till she died, have the knowledge and the reason to teach married couple and children the right way? He doesn't. He's a charlatan who has laughed all the way to the bank. Same as Doug Phillips. I feel sorry that you have the need to be uplifted in the same manner as Christ, because Dad, you aren't Christ, nor will you ever attain the self less love and compassion that he taught.

Amal you are the liar and charlatan! Do you know the men you talk about no you do not and still you speek about them with venon that makes you easy to ignore. I don't have to abort my children to know that abortion is wrong nor do I have to have a degree in religion to follow our LORD. Bill Gothard doesn't need a marriage to know respect in human conditions and that which the Bible is clear on: Lo Children ARE A HERITAGE OF THE LORD!

What do you mean when you say your lifestyle was "set before you by the Holiest of Holies?" Did the Almighty drop by one afternoon and explain His model for holy marriages? If not, where did you first hear about the QF system? What persuaded you to try it?

Michael Mock
Every man on this earth has the WORD before him as a way of life. His model is clear to anyone who prays on the WORD. I was set upon this "Quiverfull" system as you call it when I prayed on a scripture that a trusted friendly advisor pointed out to me Psalsms 127:3. I saw how wise this council was and purposed to follow it to it's divine end and was blessed with eleven children on earth and one alrady with the LORD. When you trust you give this all to GOD.

Have you ever considered that maybe the Almighty doesn't extend that call to everyone? That maybe it's something He wanted for you, but not for everyone else - and maybe not even all of your children?

Asked and answerd. Pray on your lack of faith.
As an atheist (ex-evangelical) I feel

I will pray for your soul that you are saved before it is to late. It does not surprize me that our daughters blog attracts such trash.
Steve Bahnor said...
Hey Darth Daddy,
You see that paypal link on the sidebar? You really wanna' show your support for Ruth, start there. Your daughter is doing the do, so to speak, so get off your high horse and do your part by doing what most dads do. Pitch in and help your child realize her dreams without strings!

A fool and his money are soon parted says the WORD of the LORD. Your silly valueless morals make you blind to our commiting to give all our children a payed for life until they marry GODS CHOSEN ONE for them makes this the sillyest thing I have read all day. Do you give money to addicts sir.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dad posted

My father responded to a few commenters.
gotharddad said...
I pray for all be they of any race or creed for the love of THE LORD OUR GOD sees us for who we are and what we value over all. Through HIM is is I who ask for the blessings and courage to face this in the NAME OF THE FATHER.
To Deana. You do not know your Bible as well as you profess because if you did the holiest of commandments would stick out to you and show you that "RUTH" is dishonoring one of God's most holy. Inscribed by GOD himself and asked as the first promise is HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER. Important to the point of repetition in Ephesians. This is a trust of faith to honor them in all times in disagrement and agreements. RUTH will not be whole until she can get back to the basic trust in GODS WORD. We love our daughter so loving parents have expectations she has not met as GOD loves us with expectations.

To Michael Mock. The way I live was set before me by the HOLIEST OF HOLIES. GOD requires it for them that will enjoy eternity in HIS precense. My life is good. What life do you have without trust in HIM? I have followed a program of faith to be debtless this makes me happy. My spirit is replenished by the walk I have with my Savior. I have a holy, GOD fearing wife sanctioned by the covenants of the Bible who has walked with me for most of my life. We know no divorce because we believe in the covenant of marriage therefore I am fulfilled and happy. Our children living in our honor are happy. The very small sadness we feel is about "Ruth" and our son who chose this life of worldiness and they were raised in the same way as the kids who stayed and returned to us whole so we keep praying that they too will return to live God's promise.

Quiverful isn't a lifestyle for those who pray upon the scripture which is why it will never be for everyone. Choosing to allow God to be in control of the opening and closing of the womb is a calling that you respond to with right spirit and heart or one that you ignore because of your own desires and needs which don't coincide with the Bible. We don't judge others for not having the faith to walk in the LORDS TRUST but we pray for them to find the strength to open themselves and give it to GOD. Speaking man to man you should try it and watch how your life opens.

Man and woman were created different for HIS PURPOSES and you fight still to be equals in yolk. Purpose to find HIS PURPOSE.

He also sent me an e-mail.
I and your mother prayed to know if we were to respond to your friends on the internet. We believe that GOD is working through you to allow us to show the other side to your speetious, unfounded words against HIS PLAN and we must respond to show the other side. GOD is using YOU ****(Ruth). I am proud to be a Gothard Dad which we believe was as you say passive agressive way to identify me. Pray about your soul and the souls of those you try to bring from Christ's pure love and we will keep praying for you. You will post this we know so post also that we love you all ways and our love is shown best by making you be in charge of your choices. Our offer is still on the table about coming home and going to school of our choice. You could be such a witness for the power of choosing GODS PURPOSE to women if you have the courage to submit to HIS PLAN for you and we will help you come HOME. A family in partnership of faith will even host you if you do not want to live under my roof for the time. Your readers and you should see how accomdating we are being to you.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year

I wanted to make a separate post from the "Notes from Dad" post.
I've read every comment regarding my broken engagement and I want to send out a "Thank You" to everyone who wrote in. Your words of wisdom were much needed and your perspective was appreciated. I purposefully withheld from writing/blogging/communicating with you all for a few weeks because I didn't know if I could handle re-living the break-up everyday. As it is/was, it didn't matter - not reliving it and analyzing it is impossible.

The truth is that I don't know where to go from here. Despite firmly believing in my head that my life's happiness isn't wrapped up in a man, my heart still clings to that childhood belief. When you grow up hearing, and continue to hear (through family), that you can't be a full woman without a husband and a family, not having either (especially at my age) makes me feel like I've failed.

My dad's right in certain respects. My life hasn't been a resounding endorsement of living life the way I do. Let's face truth- I am an adult who really can't support myself financially. Despite trying as hard as I have, my goal of getting a college degree is taking longer than most and I'm in a constant state of financial struggle. It's discouraging. More honesty- when I thought I would be getting married to Harris, I dared to imagine a certain amount of security that now seems like it will never happen. It's easy for me to see why people return to, or can't leave, a quiverful home. There's no safety net.

It does feel like God is punishing me. I hate to say that because, for the last few years, I've tried to stay open to the idea of God being a loving entity. Now I just don't know anymore. That's not to say my personal decisions haven't been responsible for a majorty of my life challenges, but I just wonder when that whole "God will never give you more than you can handle" becomes nothing more than a bumper sticker? I am at the end of my rope. If God exists, then why is this life I'm running towards more difficult than just capitulating?

2012 is here and it's hard to see a positive. Before anyone asks, the answer is "Yes! I am back with my therapist." I'm not suicidal...I'm just tired. I'm taking medication for depression- another double-edged-sword. Medications are expensive and they were forbidden in my childhood. They were seen as a sign of weakness. Every horrible forecast of despair that I'd been told would happen if I abandoned the ATI/QF plan has come to pass. My only consolation is that I also see non-ATI/QF/Christian people who seem very happy, unbroken, and unmedicated, too! Maybe there is hope. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. Ha! Maybe I haven't found that life for me, yet?

Thank you, my readers, for helping me see past this break-up. Thank you for being there to listen. I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.

Notes from Father

Some of you called it. My dad couldn't resist weighing in on my break-up with Harris. He e-mailed me using this blog's e-mail and we had a short correspondence. He "dared" me to post it on this blog and "give him an audience". What he doesn't understand is that this doesn't make him look particularly favourable. However, I suspect he's channelling VF/ATI/QF people here to read (just based on traffic reports).

DAD: you asked for it. Our exchange. Also, dad, if you want your chance to voice your opinions, this is your post. You stated in your e-mails that you wished people would talk to people like you, people who know "the reality" of living a "Godly, Bible based" lifestyle. You said you think this blog is giving people a false message. So here you go, Dad! If you want the chance to answer questions yourself, I have made it so you can answer them. Use the name I x-ed out of our conversation so *I* know it's you and I'll leave the answers up for all to read.

We are praying for you this Christmas eve daughter. You need the grace and forgivness of GOD for only HE and HE alone can give you the solice you suffer for at this time. Marriage is a GODGIVEN COVENANT and only HE knows who HE has made for your heart and this is the enevitable end that we knew you would face as soon as you left my umbrella of protection. ****(Harris) was the fruit of your lustful heart when only prayerful silence can show the one GOD has for you. You walked away from that love bound through HIM and into the arms of another man. You have sinned my daughter and only repententing to the CREATOR can help you now. We invite your back. Your mother and I have prayed about asking you to come home and be an example in CHRIST. We will forgive you for everything that you have done including the pain you caused our family. You won't have to struggle financially or look for love in the damaged world. Our gift to you for Christmas is prayer and forgiveness. Love through HIM who gives us strength, Father.
The pain I feel is magnified by your e-mail. Why does your love always include strings? It would've been an amazing gift to simply let me know that you care. The best gift of all would've been to open an e-mail from you with three words- "I love you." That would have told me you truly felt my pain. Dad, Harris was a good man...he just wasn't the right man for me at this time. I don't need your forgiveness, dad. I need your support and your love. I think far too much has happened for me to return to your home. I appreciate the offer.

Its always thus with you, daughter. You want what only GOD can give but you deny HIM and only GOD gives the love you need. Our church family would like to sponsor you even to enroll you in a college of our choosing. We will pray with you to be who GOD wants you to be. Your life is lacking and you know it's true my daughter for GOD has told us all through these tragic life trials you have faced since you started this blog of lies that you will never have the sweetness of GOD'S PLAN until you submit to the life you were born to live instead of the illnesses injuries and, suffering you get from your worldly life. Your blog is keeping our lifestyle in a negative place when you know people live this life happily. I know you support homosexuals having a choice in their lifestle then you tell us we're wrong to ask them to submit to God's authority but you won't let us live quietly in peace with our choices that are sanction IN HIM. Give GOD a voice or give a strong household a voice instead of mocking them and us. Your a hipocritical girl the reality be you will not allow a GODLY man to impact this story you tell. I can't comment without your say. I will show you this is the life for you if you just allow God a voice.
And what if I came home, dad? What would life be like? This college of your choice would be where? Would you choose my major? Can't you see that my life my be horrible, but also understand that at least it's *my life*? Have your voice, dad! Respond to my blog using the name ********** and I will leave it for all you read. I'm not afraid of God's voice or yours. Just know they are not the one-and-the-same, dad.

That's where it ended.
Time will tell.