Moving Right Along.

I took the job. 
Now starts the insane panic and self-doubt that usually accompanies major decisions in my life.  I've gotten rid of most of the things I don't need and I am, despite all of this panic, looking forward to what this means for my future and my ability to take care of myself long term.  Short term, though, I'm scared out of my wits.  Everything I expected cost wise has been very short sighted on my part.  It's not impossible.  And, I've accepted, so I'm going either way, but I truly am worried about my ability to do this financially and emotionally.   People have been amazing and helpful- I've appreciated the donations and advice.  I can't thank you enough.  I worked as many double shifts as I could and, on that level, I'm proud of myself for doing what needed doing to make this change.  Now, all that's left is to get in the car and head there and pray that I can do this and don't run out of cash halfway there. LOL! 

But I am doing it!  I can do this, I think.  I keep telling myself that if it's meant to be it will be. 

So, I leave Monday.  My plan is to drive to the middle of Utah the first day and then try to make it to Kansas the next.  Then, maybe try for the last stretch?  I don't know.  I've not done this sort of thing in a long time.  Am I over ambitious?  My start date is June 3rd. 

On the job front- I can't wait.
On a personal level- I'm scared beyond belief. 

I got an email with what's, allegedly, a note from my mother (passed through my brother, so I'm not 100% SURE it's not been coerced), I thought I'd share it here.

Mary,
As you know, your father died.  If you were hoping for inheritance, let me be the one to tell you that there is nothing for you. You broke our hearts and since you show no sign of repentance or submission to God's will, I offer you my prayers.  I have never prayed for anything more that for you to prayerfully, humbly ask the Lord for a sign of purpose.  Your father asked God to show you the way every night before bed.  We tried to love you in God's direction and we know God used you to show us the folly of pride.  We did fail you, Mary.  Not the way you think we did but failed you just the same.  We failed to instill the light of God in your purpose.  I have asked for and received forgiveness but you need to do this before you and I have the relationship you claim to crave.  You have the ability to humble yourself before your family and submit to the will of God.  Submit to him, Mary!  It's my prayer.  Mary, I raised you for God, you know in your heart your errors.  HE will forgive you if you ask.  E****** told me of your job.  He reads your blog.  I hope you see that God has already given you the answer in not providing you the means.  If you do take this job, please fellowship with the church society.  Please give over to that.  Just go to one service.  Take that journey, Mary.  Then we can all be together.  I can't risk your sisters for my love for you.  The love I bear them I bear you but they are innocents and are under my care.  Your sister does not know you and don't you wish it were different?  You know what to do, my girl.  Pray.  Pray hard, Mary.  In God's Grace Love and Service, your mother.

I have no idea how to respond to that.  So, I won't- for now. 

Quick update

THANK YOU to those who've been so generous as to donate!  I'm almost 100% positive I'm taking the job.  I'm not quite where I want to be financially, but I'm getting there.  If I don't post tomorrow, don't think it's bad news- I'm just picking up a couple double shifts and I won't have time to check in.

I'M ALMOST THERE!  I'm excited.

New Job Particulars and Help

A few of you have sent me emails or asked questions in comments, so I'll try to answer them here.

How much money would you need to move?/Are you close to meeting your needs for the move?
I'm not close but I'm getting closer with the help provided by you wonderful people.  I've broken down my travel needs as such.
New tires for my car: $150
Oil change and check up to make sure car can make it: $50
Small rental trailer for belongings: $70
Gas: $500
Lodging on the way: $100 (I can camp in camp grounds or in my car if need be, I've done it before.  But showers are nice when you're spending all of your day in a car)
Food: $100
Medications I should fill before I leave: $227.82 (pharmacy is cutting me a break and doc will write a three month supply to get me through my benefits kicking in).
Desposit on rental near the new job: $400
Hotel there for the two nights before my rental is ready: $94
And, I'm sure there will be expenses I haven't thought of.  I'll need professional clothes for the new job.  Then there's getting all the things you end up buying to set up a new household.  I am already scouting out the Goodwill stores here for professional clothes.


I know that for some of you, that doesn't sound like a lot of money, but to me it's the Grand Canyon.  It's like, "if I can only make it across this....things will get easier." 

Have you already accepted the job?
I have to let them know on Monday.  That's why I'm stressing.  If I can't get there, I can't get there.  But, the job is mine if I want it.  I'm afraid to give notice here until I say yes there, but it will be less than two weeks notice for my job here.  It's unprofessional, but I'd do it just to have the stability the new job promises.

What's the pay at the new job?
Starting pay will be just under $14 an hour.  But, I would also get some limited benefits for the first six months (after two months) and full benefits after a year.   Pay would increase to $15.25 an hour after the first six months.   It works out to about $30,000 a year.  I've been working two jobs to make far less than that as it is now.  I could probably pick up a second part time job to stock money away for the future if I take the new job.

Have you thought of doing a GoFundMe account?
I looked at that.  I really don't know how it works or if it would work in the time frame I need this to happen.  But, if someone here has advise on how to do it, I would appreciate it.

Are you begging for money, again?
I don't think I've begged before. 
In this case, yes, I'm ashamed to admit that I am.  I really want to make this move happen.  I've been waiting for a big break like this.  It's a job in my field.  It's something that I can build into a self-sufficient career.  I feel like not jumping on this would be wrong and I'm going to do what it takes, even if it means "begging", to try to make it work.  I KNOW this is sad and pathetic and all of those words that we use to degrade people on the internet.  I wouldn't blame anyone for taking some offense to my post.  I never want to do it again - it's hard to ask for help and it's degrading to beg.  I'm just out of options.  I've been doing the best I can. 
Don't stress if you can't help.  I am not expecting anything from anyone.  It's only a request. When I was discussing this with a reader via email, they said, "You never know...maybe there's a wealthy do-gooder who wants to adopt you!"  Ha ha! I just think this is too important a crossroads in my life to not go all out to try.   I will regret it more if I don't ask for help and the help was there all along.   If you can understand that, thank you.  If you can't, then I get it.  Your readership and friendship is enough and it always will be.

Heard any more about your mom's plans?
Honestly, it sounds horrible, but I haven't been worrying about her.   She's going to be taken care of in some fashion between my brother and the organization (allegedly).  She may even marry again.  I love her and am still grieving for her loss, too.  But, even if it sounds mean and un-mournful, I need to worry about my own life now.  My bogey man is mostly gone and this is a step towards making my family see that I am going to be okay despite them and their belief system.  As my brother said, "this is your life! Live it."

With a little help from my friends.

Edited to add: I have a new post up.  It further explains this one and answers some questions in the comments and emails.

I'm going to do something I swore I wouldn't.
I know I catch a lot of flack for having a paypal donation button on my blog.  Thus far, I haven't solicited donations.  However, I received a job offer in another state and I really want to take it.  The only hiccup is that I can't afford to move there and I'm afraid that I can't even afford the gas or moving costs.  The job is not so high class that they would give me a moving allowance or an advance on my first pay check.  The job starts June 1.  It's a research assistant/jr. librarian at a private university and the pay isn't fantastic (but, it's a little more than I'm making now), but it's in my field and it's a stepping stone.  I need help.  I want to take this.  I want to never have to make a post like this ever again.  If I had another way to quickly get funds, I would do it and I know this is going to result in criticism but I am desperate for help.
The job is @2,000 miles away and in the heart of Gothard Country, but I'm so ready for a change that I want this more than anything I've ever wanted.   If you can help, or know of someone who can, I would appreciate it.  I really want to be self-sufficient and not continue in this place that I'm currently in.  Any ideas are also, as always, appreciated. 
Maybe this job offer, coming on the heals of my dad passing away, is the karma I've been waiting for?  I'm cautiously optimistic about my future for the first time in a very long time.  

Death

My father is dead.

---

I don't know how to feel.  One minute I cry and the next minute I feel at peace and relieved.   Then, I feel guilt.  Is it possible to go through all seven stages of grief at once?  There's this massive feeling of guilt for not being there for my mother or sisters.  In some ways, I even feel a touch of guilt for NOT being the daughter he wanted: even if being that daughter would've killed me.  I feel a little ashamed of who he was... but he was still my father.  I'm angry because I wish I had a flood of "reserve" good memories of him to fall back on.  Shouldn't ever child have a cache of good memories of their parent?  I'm so conflicted.

He died last night, so I've been told.  Ironically, it wasn't the prostate cancer that officially did him in.  He had a heart attack.  I was told that he got out of bed to use the restroom and didn't return.  My mother woke up and found his side of the bed empty, went to check on him, and found him on the floor in front of the sink.  I wonder what he thought about in those last moments?  Is that morbid?  I wonder if he regretted any choices he had made in life?  I wonder if my mother feels even the slightest hint of relief? 

Mom is mournful, as she has every right to be.  I tried calling her but she didn't want to speak to me.  My elder brother said that I shouldn't call her ever again.  He said that I broke dad's heart.  I asked about the funeral and was told it was none of my business.  My older brother can be a real jerk!  Even if we didn't get along, I think I still have a right to know.   I called my other brother and he said even he was being left out of the loop because of "they knew (he) would pass along" the information.  What the hell are they afraid of?  A protest at his funeral?  That I'll stand up and give a eulogy on what a terrible parent he was?  Not likely.  For one, I couldn't afford a plane ticket even if I wanted to go and, frankly, I have more class than to stand up at anyone's funeral and bash on them. 

In some ways, the bogey man is dead.  Why don't I feel like I can relax, then?

Ellie

I want to thank everyone for the ideas they had regarding teaching in a foreign country.  I called several of the places mentioned and there are several things I need to do before that's a possibility.  One thing is directly related to my childhood- immunizations.  When I finally enrolled in a community college, after being homeschooled, I had to provide proof of *some* vaccinations and take a TB test.   But, that was about the extent of the requirements.  For a job like this, it will take at least several months for me to catch up on the immunizations I missed as a kid and now need.   Some of them have to be given months apart.  Without insurance, I'm going to have to use the health department and try to arrange time off work that fits the health department's hours.  Things like this really irritate me- it seems like I can't escape the ramifications of my childhood no matter how far away I get.  Interestingly, I did have SOME immunizations when I was a newborn, they just never finished the series.  Now I have to start all over. 

I did get a promotion to head waitress at one job, so that's a small pay bump.  Yay!  I found a trailer park that has a trailer for sale and I'm about $3000 away from having what I need for the down.  That would be great.  I think I can get a loan for the rest and manage those payments.  *crosses fingers*  If I really scrimp, I can do that in a few months.  The owner said that he's willing to hold it for me so long as I cover the space it's sitting on.  I'm hoping that if I pay the stall fees reliably, that will convince him I'm serious about buying it.  :)  So, that's a step in the right direction.

I promised I'd tell you about my nieces birthday!
I can't believe she turned one.  In some ways, all of the drama with my sister seems like it was years ago!  At the same time, I can't believe that Miss Ellie is one!  She is just precious and her moms are doing a wonderful job.  She's loved and truly being allowed to bloom.  She has a few words and just took a wobbly little step this past weekend.  At her birthday party, there were at least 30 family members who clearly worship her.  :)  She had her own little cake that she demolished and her moms filled a fenced in area of the living room with plastic balls so that she, and her little friends, could have a private ball pit.  I'm just so happy for her.  To some extent, I owe all of you a big thank you in helping me help Rachel during that crazy time.  Whether you made a donation or gave advice, you had a hand in protecting my sister and getting my niece out of that lifestyle.  When people say that sites like FreeJinger don't do any good in the world, we can point to Ellie. 
OH! Ellie's parents are also thinking of adding another baby to their home.  They decided that they want one more so that they can give Ellie a sibling.  Wouldn't that be cool?

Busy month

Hello friends,
March was an incredibly busy month, I'm so sorry for the lack of blog updates or posts on FJ.  I was unable to get on the net for a few weeks because my work schedule was conflicting with most of the business hours of places I use to get a wifi connection.  As far as my personal life goes, there's nothing new.  I'm still working to make ends meet and trying to better my circumstances.  But, so is the rest of America. :)

I've been conflicted on a personal level about my father.  Allegedly, he's very, very sick.  However, no one will tell me what his problem is or what is being done to help.  All I've been told is that he's been seeing an osteopathic doctor and is doing some all liquid diet.  *sigh* If I have to guess what the problem is, I suspect prostate cancer due to something my brother said.  But, he's not doing any sort of chemo or radiation therapy (from what I hear) because he's being a total martyr about it.  My brother told me that there was a blast email sent out to everyone, except me, asking for prayers "for God's will to be done".  Not, "please pray for him to recover" or "please pray for his comfort and speedy treatment".  Just, "please pray that God's will is done".  This is such a cop out.  If he dies, then it will be written off as some trusting action on his part when I see it as completely irresponsible inaction that will leave my sisters and mother penniless and a very small child fatherless.  While the thought of Blessing growing up without my father's cruelty is appealing, I also know that growing up without a father has to have long term ramifications on a kid and I don't want her to experience a death so early in her life.  If he lives, then I'm sure there will be testimonials about how God chose him for some special purpose and thousands of dollars will be made off of his natural cures.  Then- there's the part where I just feel like he could die at any time and I wouldn't know.  My mother wouldn't call me and tell me...I'll find out through the back channels that he's dead...and I won't be at his funeral because I won't be welcome.  Maybe that's a good thing though.  Because, I honestly don't know if I can mourn his loss.  I hate myself for those feelings but it is what it is. 

I've heard that there's a plan for my mom and sisters, however.  If dad does die, then they are planning to move to Illinois.  My brother was tight lipped and angry about the details but I'm happy to know that there's some plan and that she won't be stuck with my crazy, ATI/QF devoted brother.  I could see her becoming the Grandma Duggar/washmaid to his growing brood.

Rachel is well.  Or, as well as you can be with a quicky wedding and shotgun pregnancy.  I was a little sad to find out that she's had no contact with Ellie's parents since she left.  Maybe that's for the best?  Ellie is so adorable!  On my birthday, she and her parents came to my restaurant and asked to be seated in my section.  They brought a balloon and a card with Ellie's first attempts at a signature.  I love it!  I so love that little darling and her amazing family. 

Ellie's birthday was fun!  She's turned one last month.  Maybe that deserves its own post?

My birthday was very quiet and spent at work.  Aside from the visit from Ellie and a complimentary meal from my boss, I didn't do much. 

Have to get ready for work.