Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Oh my! I just want to make sure you all know I'm not so desperate as to drop out of school. :) I've made it this far and it would take more than a shortfall to get me to quit. That's why I asked for suggestions. Thank you to the people who mentioned the half-price book sites. I think I'll be able to get most of my books at those places and that will free up some cash. I think I can also sell some books and that would be a source of income as well. Good ideas!

I spoke with financial aid and they're going to try to help me get the one scholarship back. Then I called resident life and asked about the RA option. I should hear back within the week.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Look back

Time to reflect on how this job has been.
1. I love the family. The kids are fun, amazing, smart, and like brothers.
2. I'm getting the sort of experience with a normal family that my childhood should have provided me with.

Though all this is great, there are some things that could be better.
1. I don't always get all the time I was promised. Usually, this is my fault. Since I'm not clocking in and out or leaving the premises, I end up getting back into the roll of nanny when I'm supposed to be off duty and we're so happy together that that time I had anticipated being able to use to earn some extra money is not there.
2. In being worried about being "low impact", I'm not asking for the things I need. This wasn't a problem until I actually needed some things and then it looked like I was asking for "extras". We had an awkward moment.
3. School - I'm not goning to make it financially. Just no way. I can do the dorms and I can make the tuition fit within what my financial aide award gives, but I have nothing left over (budget cuts killed me for next year). My grades suffered when I broke my leg and I lost a scholarship.

Thanks for listening.

Monday, June 21, 2010

June 8th Comment

One thing I'm not very good at is keeping up with the comments on this blog. There are times when I wonder if I should get someone to help me moderate comments and close the comments to registered users. I don't want to go this route because I think that it can generate other problems. When bloggers close the comments to approved comments only, it seems to slow down the flow of discussion between other people. This blog is here for a few reasons, one of which is to allow people an open discussion of ATI, QF, Patriarchy and sub-subjects relating to these, without having a net-nanny supervising. Another problem with moderating comments is what seems to be the backlash where people accuse the moderator(s) of picking and choosing. I don't want that to happen here. Last of all - I'm horrible at keeping up with the comments that roll in on this page. I'll be honest - there are times when I don't check my e-mail for days or weeks. Especially with the nanny job I have now and school - I don't think I should be online when I'm on the clock and when I'm not on the clock, I'm prepping for school by pre-reading some of my texts.

It happens, then, that occasionally I miss things that happen in comments.

On June 8th, someone left these comments on this post.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "19 Kids and Counting...":

Well I know that I'm not the only person who loves this family very much. I think it is their decision and their right to have as many kids as they want to. In fact,if they do decide to have more children then so be it. What right does anyone have to say that they should stop having children if that's what they want to do? Besides,the other children are always VERY happy when Michelle says "I'm pregnant"!! SO MAYBE YOU ALL SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!None of you would appreciate being talked about either so please just stop it. I mean come on people.

A few minutes later,
I posted the "everyone mind your own business",and I forgot to say that Ruth is begging for money and doesn't have a TV show or 19 kids so why in the world would I give her any money? Are you going to give me some Ruth?!!
No I didn't think so.....get a job and stop begging bitch!!!!

I would have greater respect for people who signed in to leave these comments. I know there are people who dislike my candor with this blog or people who doubt my story. With the recent rash of sick people who start fake blogs to capitalize on bad situations, I understand doubting sorts who question every new blog. I'm not talking to those people. I'm talking to the person who left these comments on my blog - if you really want me to take you seriously, why are you remaining anonymous? What harm could I cause you and if you are so sure I'm wrong or scamming people, why won't you make your identity known? I've been very clear about my reasons for using caution with my identity. What is your reason? If you're right, you'll be a hero for standing up to me.

@Anonymous- if you love the Duggars, that is your choice. I don't have a problem with that. You must not have read my blog very carefully, if you read it at all (beyond that post) becuase you would see that I haven't been harsh about the Duggars. When I question something they do, I explain myself and try to remain as objective as I can. It may come as a surprise to you when I say that I don't hate them. I think they do some things "right". Just like you don't like everything I say or condone my way of life, I take issue with aspects of their life. You don't have to like it. I don't promote my blog on "anti-Duggar" sites and I don't go out of my way to "talk about them". If there's something that they do that relates to my life and experience, I refer to them the same way a pro-QF family would use their exploits to highlight their similarities. I read a blog where a woman wrote a blog post about the Duggars because they use the same Maxwell program (Masters of their Chores). Are you saying it's okay to talk about the Duggars as long as you agree with their choices? The Duggars have made themselves representatives of this lifestyle. Like it or not, bloggers will relate to them positively AND negatively. That doesn't give you the right to police the internet and defend them blindly.

I think it is their decision and their right to have as many kids as they want to. In fact,if they do decide to have more children then so be it.
It is their decision, obviously. You are right. If they decide to have more children, there is nothing I can do to stop them. I wouldn't try to stop them. I am allowed to express my opinion, like you have here, that what Michelle is doing has consequences and while it is their decision to make, we can discuss those consequences and express our displeasure with their choice. You should recognize the gesture since you decided to express your displeasure with my choice to blog about them.

What right does anyone have to say that they should stop having children if that's what they want to do?

We have every right to say that they shouldn't have more children. What we don't have a right to do is to stop them, through physical or legal means, from having more children. You're confusing the right to disagree with the right to prevent.
Besides,the other children are always VERY happy when Michelle says "I'm pregnant"!!
I have a few things to say about this.
Number one, unless you know these children personally and have probed their emotions and brains for evidence beyond what is televised, you are operating as an armchair quarterback, much as we are. If you don't know them, then you are just as unqualified to speak to their happiness as we are to speak to their unhappiness.
Number two, I have never said they are unhappy with their family's growth. Doing so would mean speaking for them and I won't do that (as you're doing). As a child, I too was excited about my mom having more children. I also know that I didn't have the opportunity to express displeasure with every announcement and I think that may be the case with the Duggar children. What other option would they have? Let's say that Jinger was unhappy with the news. What would she be able to do and would the production company really show the footage of her bad reaction? They, the production company, are selling a brand - a happy, mega family brand.
Are you blind to the irony of your statement? You're doing just that.
Maybe you should not read this blog or the blogs of others who find reason to questio the Duggars choices if it offends you so deeply. Maybe you should take your own advice.
None of you would appreciate being talked about either so please just stop it. I mean come on people.
I assume you're saying that none of us would like being talked about in a negative sense. You don't seem to have a problem talking about the Duggars or reading pro-Duggar sites. Isn't that "talking about" the Duggars? What I think you're saying is that none of us would appreciate being criticized and that's true to a certain extent. If the Duggars didn't want to be talked about, they shouldn't have okayed a tv show. What I know is that the Duggars relish discussion about them because they've been very upfront about their purpose - to encourage people to look at their lifestyle and ask if it's a lifestyle for them to adopt. The Duggars are using the show to promote QF (they admit this). Most reasonable people know that promoting something on television will promote discussion and that that discussion might include debate or criticism.
I know that my blog will also encourage discussion about ATI. I also realize that it may make some people question my veracity or question my experiences. That's the chance I take. Clearly, I've allowed you to voice your criticism of this blog.
You're talking about me and go on to say nasty things about me while simultaneously tellin other people to stop doing exactly what you're doing.

I posted the "everyone mind your own business",and I forgot to say that Ruth is begging for money and doesn't have a TV show or 19 kids so why in the world would I give her any money?
I am not begging for money. Put your "money where your mouth is" and point out where I have begged for money! If you're going to make such accusations, back them up. I have never asked you or anyone to contribute to my finances. You are lying. You are correct - I don't have a show. That would contradict my desire for privacy in certain aspects of my life. The Duggars don't have paypal links on their website, true. But can you honestly say that they're not financially benefitting from selling their family for their story? Why is it more respectable, in your opinoin, to gain financially (especially when you claim to not need the money as you're financially free)from telling a life story on television than it is to give readers an OPTION TO DONATE MONEY from a written life story?

Are you going to give me some Ruth?!!
No I didn't think so.....get a job and stop begging bitch!!!!

If you have a need, it would be my duty (given my personal morals and ethics) to help you. Just send me your e-mail address and I will paypal you whatever I can to help you.
I have a job. I'm not begging. Please, I say in all sincerity, post your address or e-mail me so I can help you if you need it.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

I love my nanny job. I love the family I'm working for. They're everything my imagination craves in a family. Right now, we are on a weekend holiday at the beach for Father's Day and as I watched the boys' father open the small gifts I helped the boys make, I starting to cry a little. This father loves his sons unconditionally. He loved the handmade gifts just as much as the gifts his wife had purchased. This father poured over the details of the bookmark his son made him. He gathered both boys in his arms and praised them out loud. He crumpled their curly hair and kissed their pink cheeks without raising an eye to the rest of the world. When the gifts were done and I offered to take the boys down to the beach, he stopped me and said "It's Father's Day, Ruth! I'll handle it." and grabbed their towels and buckets from me and walked down the stairs to help the boys build castles. It's so idyllic it makes me wonder if I'm not part of a Lifetime movie. This is fatherhood.

To my father- you were not our "dad". You didn't love - you ruled. Unless others were around, you never touched us gently or tucked us in. You didn't build me a sandcastle - you worried about our swimsuits and made us self-conscious at the beach. You were so busy being righteous - you forgot to be our dad. I pray that you realize what you've done and do it differently with Blessing. She deserves a daddy. She already has a ruler and it's not you. Happy Father's Day.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


Jennifer Corado said...
How is infertility viewed in the ATI community? Do couples undergo testing or treatment, or is it viewed as maybe a punishment from God? Does there appear to be more blame (as subtle as it might me) toward the woman? Has it ever caused divorce?

It depends on the couple. We're just now starting to see the second generation of ATI take off. Before this generation, most people who went into ATI had children when they started (it's, after all, a homeschooling curriculum). Now you have those children having children and I think there are some things to consider. Most ATI families marry their girls young. The younger you are, the greater your fertility. This eliminates some of the "worldly" age-based, infertility problems. I've also heard, and I could be ignorant or badly informed, that the more sexual partners you have, the greater your chance of STDS and the greater your risk of infertility as a result. Since ATI kids don't have pre-marital sex or multiple partners, there's less risk of infertility. I'm sure it's happened (an infertile second-generation ATI couple) but they really don't talk about it if it does happen and they can't become ATI or QF unless they have children so that would sway the results. Until a couple has children of their own, they won't be ATI so the question is moot really. If a couple were planning to be ATI and ran into infertility, then they'd likely keep it very private. There's nothing outwardly preventing them from seeking treatment. Adoption won't prevent them from joining ATI after the fact but it might make the application process more difficult. God's plan, in ATI's eyes, is for couples to be fruitful and multiply and accept children as a blessing from the Lord in His perfect timing. A couple might interpret that a number of ways, maybe including that God's timing includes infertility treatments. I think you'd be hardpressed to find an ATI/QF goal oriented couple who would interpret God's will or plan to mean they should stay infertile. It's a contradiction of sorts.

About the blame, that's also something that would depend on the couple or their family. There are certain "sins" to which the infertility would be assuredly blamed on the couple. One would be if they EVER used birth control methods. God would be punishing/testing their will for not trusting Him. It's really hard to answer this question because this stuff is kept so hush-hush when it does happen. We knew people who had secondary infertility, after several children, and the mom blamed herself for breaking the modesty commandments of the Bible. That doesn't mean God was punishing her but it's how she interpreted it.

Vyckie Garrison from NLQ would be a better person to ask about QF/ATI/VF divorce rates. I don't know enough about that.

Saturday, June 5, 2010


Networking is the key to ATI's mission. When I was knee-deep in it, it didn't occur to me that that was what our life was about. Now that I'm out, I see it for what it is.

As a kid, I was taught to be an ambassador for Jesus/God. Every move I made, every word I spoke, every thought it my head was a testimony to Jesus Christ. I was taught to be publicly charming and self-less (JOY). The goal in this, on the surface, was to be that perfect presentation of a young lady in Christ. In reality, I was a recruiter. Parents who saw my family and the way us children behaved would have to ask themselves if their children could ever be so controlled and self-less. My parents would gladly tell them that it was a possibility...if they would just give themselves over to the Lord and familiarize themselves with this program they knew. If that family was interested, numbers were exchanged and there would be an invitation extended for them to come to our home for a barbeque. The house was spotless, the children were spotless, the grounds were spotless and we all JOYfully hosted the family. We'd take the younger children from the visiting family and keep them so occupied and focused that the adults could forget they even had children and focus on listening to dad and mom sell this lifestyle. They'd encourage them through "Christian fellowship" to seek out and pray for the guidance to make the appropriate sacrifices (maybe a paycheck so mom could stay home, maybe pants for modesty's sake, maybe family planning so there'd be more "flowers", maybe public school). If the family joined up, the next phase kicked in and that was encouraging them to think of others to pass this fantastic way of life on to. Who did they know that could be prepared to accept these "truths"? If the family had international connections, my dad was especially interested and if other members knew a new family with ic's, they'd call my dad. The international connection was important for exploring international growth. Sounds like a company, right? More and more I feel like my childhood wasn't a religion as much as it was a business. We were in the business of growing a corporation and a brand. That's sad.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Harris and I had an argument this weekend. In normal relationships, with normal, emotionally stable, that wouldn't be a big deal. Since this is really my first, mutual relationship, it took on it's own life (in my head). My parents didn't fight. It wasn't allowed, you could say. If my mother disagreed with something my father said or did, she kept her mouth shut. That's what I learned. It's the temptation I fight whenever I disagree with Harris (or anyone) and this weekend it started out the same. It was just that on this one point, even though my history was telling me to keep quiet, I reacted. Once I reacted, it felt so good I kept reacting until I was no longer reacting to the thing I was angry about. St. Harris figured that out before I did and physically left me to work it out on my own. Later, he said he was kind of glad that we'd fought and that it was "out of the way". Never in my life had I ever thought of arguing as a way to work things out because in my ATI experiences - you just go along with whatever you're dealt, as a woman/partner. The emphasis is on keeping sweet and non-conflict to the point that conflict becomes a dirty word. That's doing everyone a disservice. Conflict can be good. I think men like my father hide behind ATI/QF/Patriarchy because they can't deal with conflict. It's much easier for them to dominate by imaginary divine right. Anyway, it was just something I thought of.

That's the end of that babble.

My sister went back home. It's really hard for me to admit that because it hurts. It's her decision and I know that logically. She wasn't ready to be away - that's what I tell myself. She's still so young. My dad sent my mom, with Blessing, and another ATI family mom to get her. I wish there was more I could do.

Edit to add to this post:
Yes. I have heard that some are again doubting my story. It's their choice to doubt or believe. I'm not going to try to force them to believe or read this blog because that's not my job. The internet has people who attempt to hoax - people have been burned. I don't blame the people who question everything. It's probably the best position to take. What else can I say? If I got angry or tried to prove myself more than I have or am comfortable doing then I'm doing what I've done my whole life - letting others control me. I'm happy with my life and with the blog as it is. That's all. Thank you for making me aware.