Wednesday, August 25, 2010

49 Character Qualities of Ruth- The First Night

It's hard to explain what those first few minutes were like, as I made my way across the field to the neighbors. I had a million emotions - fear, anger, sadness, grief, excitement, and uncertainty, just to name a few. At any moment, I expected the sliding door to open and the back yard lights to go on. I expected one of the boys, or - worse- my father, to hop on the ATV we kept in the yard. Looking back every step, though - all I saw was a quiet house. No one had noticed my leaving, even though I was sharing a room at this point. In hindsight, I've always wondered if my sisters had slept through my feverish gathering (maybe they thought I was gathering clothes for a late night load of laundry?) or if they knew I was leaving and knew I was unhappy? Either way, they didn't stop me or raise any alarm.

My neighbors were shocked to see me standing on their porch. Mr. and Mrs. Kline* (pseudonym) had had their doubts about my family for years. They'd called protective services one day after watching my dad dole out a punishment to my brother. Protective services did nothing - deeming the incident to be within the scope of parental discipline, but the Kline's intervention made a deep impression on me. I knew someone was watching our family. The Klines also made attempts to talk to my mother and us girls whenever they could. My father would speak about how nosey they were and how they were "the wolves". Mrs. Kline worked and my father would use their childlessness as an example of how worldliness "deprived a woman of her Godly appointment". As I came to discover, Mrs. Kline was infertile.

I stood on their doorstep and explained, or tried to, that I had been engaged and I didn't want to be and I was hoping they could help me get to my brother. Mrs. Klein told me later that she would've adopted me that night but Mr. Klein was rightfully worried about taking in a minor. He said we should call the police or call my parents. I opted to call the police because I knew calling my parents would only result in them calling the police to make me come home.

The police came and listened to my story. I will never forget their kindness. One of the officers was female - a rarity for our town at that time- and I think it was God's gift to me that she arrived to take my statement. Both she and her partner were disgusted by the possibility that things were the way I said it was (being forced to accept Adam's proposal) but they kept it professional and said they were going to go talk to my father. I told them I didn't want to go back home and stammered that I feared being sent away again. The Klein's confirmed that I had disappeared for a few months not too long ago and the cops took that into consideration. They went to my father's house to get his side of the story.

My father was irate and demanded that I be returned to him or he would "retrieve me" himself. He demanded that it was all a misunderstanding (his favorite excuse) and that if he could just talk to me, it would be fixed. When the officers repeated my fear of being sent away, my father told them that was silly because the previous detention had been my choice! He produced a letter I'd been encouraged to write my parents telling them how grateful I was for being sent away. The female officer had the wisdom to see this for what it was. She started asking about our family. She wanted to talk to my mother (who was standing in the room, not saying a word) in private. My father allegedly told my mother that was not wise and my mother wouldn't answer in more than one word answers. The female officer suggested that maybe we all needed the night to calm down. For whatever reason, my father agreed and I stayed at the Klein's.

The next morning, my mother arrived bright and early to retrieve me. Mrs. Klein asked if I wanted to leave and as much as I wanted to go to my mother, I knew I would be punished for my stunt. I told her I didn't want to leave but I knew I couldn't stay and she said Mr. Klein was handling that. What I didn't know at that moment was that Mr. Klein had already gone to retain an attorney on my behalf.

To make a long story short, within two hours, the cops arrived to take me home (a different set of officers this time) because I was a "run away". Mrs. Klein explained the situation and the officers told me I had a choice - go home or go to their offices and file a report against Adam and my father. I chose the latter. It was my first time in a police car and I was terrified. Mrs. Klein followed us in her car. As we passed by the front of my house, I saw my mom and sisters watching through the windows. It was humiliating and I can only imagine what my father was saying in the background.

48 comments:

  1. HOORAY FOR THE KLEINS!!! And hooray for the first two police officers. It's good to know that there are SOME people out there willing to take chances and really listen to a child.

    On pins and needles for the next installment!!!

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  2. Wow Ruth, I am so proud of you for being so brave!! I can't imagine having the courage to do what you did. I'm so glad you are out of there and able to live a life of freedom!

    -Jennifer

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  3. You were pretty darn brave for your age and circumstances, and the family you went to, whatever their name was, did a good thing in helping you.

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  4. You were so brave. You had so much more courage than many who are not brought up in that lifestyle. I was jut thinking that I don't know if I could personally do what you did.

    You should write a book so that others in your situation can see there are options (but they probably would not be allowed to read it)

    ATI really needs more attention so that people can see it for what it really is.

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  5. Wow. I had no idea that when you left you were actively confronting your family the entire time. I'm amazed that you had the strength to make the right decision (to not go home, to file a complaint). If you'd gone back home, you'd have been severely punished. Do trouble makers in ATI families ever just disappear?

    I'm so proud of you Ruth. And of the Kleins for getting involved when they didn't have to. We all have little opportunities to make a huge difference in people's lives if we just take time to notice their need.

    Hugs Ruth! I admire your strength.

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  6. Your story continues to give me goosebumps. I'm near tears thinking about the amount of courage it took for you to do what in your heart you knew was best despite the years of being told otherwise. Adam is creepy and surely you would have been an abused wife if you had agreed to the marriage. As a young woman you had no privacy and no autonomy and there was such a significance put on modesty and yet the day you were engaged you're forced into becoming a sexual object at the approval if not encouragement of your parents. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that. I find myself angrier at your mother in this situation. She failed you Ruth. She should have protected you, validated you and fought for you. Your father is a lost cause and he'll suffer some day but it's your mother who angers me.

    ~Kris

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  7. Also.... hip hip horray for the Kleins!!

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  8. I just have to chime in with the others to commend your bravery and that of the Kleins. Standing up to your abuser is impossibly daunting. I am so impressed with your courage and fortitude. Just goes to show what excellent stuff you're made of, Ruth! Thanks for sharing your story.

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  9. The amount of courage your flight took can't be measured. Especially since you were probably taught to fear police and that they would always side with the parents. Keep going Ruth, this story is fascinating and heartfelt.

    Also, kudos for changing the way to comment. Looks like anonymous posters can't just snark randomly. Gotta identify yourselves, jerks!

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  10. Wow ... these last couple of posts have just been jaw-dropping. Of course, you don't know me from Adam, but I am SO proud of you for being so courageous and SO happy that the Kleins were there, and that they and the police officers believed you. I can't wait for the next post!

    (Btw, this truly would make an amazing book or even a movie.)

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  11. I agree... this would be an incredible book and would be of great benefit to others who have gone through or are going through a similar situation....maybe you could co-write it with your therapist or someone who has experiencing dealing with this cultic-type behavior.

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  12. Here's the "Character Quality" that I think best discribes this chapter in your story, Ruth.

    Boldness vs. Fearfulness

    Confidence that what I have to say or do is true and right and just in the sight of God (Acts 4:29)

    (Pam)

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  13. Oh my goodness. I just about cried reading this - I can't imagine going through this. You were so brave - you ARE so brave. *hugs*

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  14. How do you know what happened back at home while you were with the neighbours?

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  15. You have no idea who I am but I have followed your blog for a while now. You have to be the strongest person I have ever "met". You are sharing your lifes story with us and that will only make you a better person. Please stay strong...you deserve a beautiful life.

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  16. Ruth, oh my goodness! I feel like knowing your background I shouldn't be surprised by anything you say, but I cannot fathom the strength it took for you to stand up for yourself in this way. Especially after never being allowed to have any personal rights your entire life. Thank God the Klines chose todo the right thing. It sounds like they were waiting for an oppotunity to help and intervene somehow. Most women in abusive situations don't have it in them to file reports against their abusers. You have and will inspire so many people trapped in abusive relationships.

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  17. Wow. So many people (including the cops who recognized the abuse in your house upon interviewing DD) who recognized an abused teenager and an abusive household. But most of all, your courage put all this into motion.

    Can't wait to read how you got to your brother, given you were still a minor. I'm hoping that being close enough to 18, you were able to emancipate yourself and safely travel to your brother's home.

    I knew school is literally right around the corner (my school's classes begin tomorrow, although I don't have obligations of either classes or teaching until Friday, yay!), so I expect your entries (although I imagine that as an RA, you're given a laptop by the school for use in your room, or the entire dorm for study), so you might have a chance to post more frequently than last semester.

    I'll catch up as I can; your story is nothing short of amazing. If you get a chance, read a book written by a friend of mine called "Jesus Land." Although not ATI, she had a lot of similar experiences, including being "sent away."

    Happy studies! :)

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  18. PS to add: glad you've closed down your comments. It should quiet the trolls, or at least force their hand when posting and criticizing your decisions.

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  19. this really makes the point of how worthwhile it is saying something, as a concerned onlooker, because you don't know how much that might impact and stick in the memory.

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  20. I can imagine what you have gone through and I want you to know that you are absolutely believed and believable. While each individual in a family has different perspectives and views about what happened, yours are your own. I would love to be able to e-mail you. I know that you are not interested in "naming names" but I'm acquainted with 4 ATI families as well as having participated myself as an adult in some conferences. Two of the families I know seem very different from your family. However, when I was at the events, the predominant tone was what your are describing with a few notable exceptions. It was especially notable among those who were in the "in" group rather than newbies. We have 6 children and although we are not QF we often "fit" into that circle because we don't talk about our use of B.C. (otherwise we'd probably have 18 or 19 kids assuming my womb held up)Maybe that is why we have heard the real heart of some of the folks in that movement. Jesus embraced the repentant sinners, but had scathing, sarcastic words for the Pharisees. I don't know your family and I'm not judging them, but Phariseeism is a danger to all, not just ATI.

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  21. I bet your dad was literally foaming at the mouth over this.

    Thanks for sharing, Ruth. :)

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  22. A girl with that type courage can certainly dealing with being a Dorm floor RA!! You go girl! And thank God for caring neighbors.

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  23. Yay! Go Ruth! Go Kleins! Go law enforcement!

    Big thanks to the Kleins for showing as all how to make a difference in an abused teen's life.

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  24. @ Shannon M. I can't speak for Ruth, but my guess is that it was included in the information the police gave her when they explained to Ruth her two choices- to return home or press charges against DD and Adam.

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  25. Hi Ruth,

    My name is Alice and I am 32 years old. I just discovered your blog and have been reading from the beginning. I cannot say enough how impressed I am with your bravery. It takes such courage to walk away from that!! I was homeschooled, but we never were enrolled in ATI. I did attend a couple Basic Life Principle Seminars and our family was greatly impacted. We had many friends who were into it a lot more, and we never quite "fit in". What a blessing, I see now, that we didn't! It was only a few years ago that I was able to let go of the idea that it wasn't a sin to stop having children at 2 or 3. (My husband and I have 3 children by the way). My heart breaks for you, but I'm so glad you are getting this out in the public. People need to know the dangers there are when you follow false teachings (not that YOU were following fasle teachings...your parents were). I am a Christian and I hate that people will now think that what you grew up in is Christianity...because it's not. Praying God will continue to give you much grace as you walk this path.
    Blessings!!

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  26. I can't wait for you to write more....I have to know how you got to where you are today!

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  27. How do you know what happened back at home while you were with the neighbours?
    Two ways - when the officers came back to tell me what my options were, they told me what I would be returning to and that my father had produced my letter. Another account was given to me by a sibling that was still home at a later date.

    That seems like a strange question to ask.

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  28. Hey Ruth, if you remember the name of the female officer, you might just shoot her a letter to fill her in on how life has turned out for you.

    Tell her about how you are in college and how you never forgot her kindness (and the other officer as well).

    I bet it would mean a lot to her.

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  29. A little off topic. Does your college have any "independent study"? You might be able to use this option to turn your blog into a marketable manuscript. Just a thought.

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  30. "How do you know what happened back at home while you were with the neighbours?
    Two ways - when the officers came back to tell me what my options were, they told me what I would be returning to and that my father had produced my letter. Another account was given to me by a sibling that was still home at a later date.

    That seems like a strange question to ask. "

    Ruth,
    Those who have never been in this kind of situation cannot understand that the "complaintant" is told what is happening on the other end what they other person said or did within reason by the police officers or even Child Protective Services. That did not even occur to me because I have called CPS and I have dealt with being the kid who had to be pulled out of a home by the police: my own long story.

    They want to find "holes" in your story for some reason.

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  31. Ruth,

    I second sending the officer a letter. You know I work with LE and they find it rewarding to know that they did something to help people. It makes up for the crazy drunks, the drunk drivers and the wife beaters they normally deal with.

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  32. Ruth,

    An amazing story. As someone who was raised ATI and one of those families who considered ourselves patriarchy-lite, this story just makes me angry. No matter how wonderful a courtship/betrothal-based family is, it is always one step away from this horror. I shudder at what I might have endured had my father gone Darth. His sanity and love for me is something I treasure to this day (happily married to the man of MY choice for 7 years).

    Betrothal is a lie. It is not happy or wonderful and every single instance of it I knew of in ATI has ended in abuse, divorce, and CFS in the home. The thing is courtship used to be the rage and then as soon as it got popular, the patriarchs had to make everything tougher, so they turned to the next obvious step, which equals take away more rights from the daughter.

    Lovely descent into madness if you ask me.

    Hugs and love from this survivor to another survivor.

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  33. You are so lucky that the officers didn't send you back. I've just seen people run away and get sent back, no matter what horror stories they have to tell. Too many people just don't want to be bothered.

    In my case, I went to my grandma's when my mother went completely psychotic, but my mother told everyone that I was difficult and ran away as if I was just a rebellious teenager, and if they didn't know her or really know me, they believed her. It was horrible to be treated like I was the one that was lying all the time.

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  34. Thank God you got out. I hope you keep in touch with the "Kleins". They were your angels. Keep telling your story Ruth. The world needs to know the ugly side of Gothardism.

    19 Kids and.... is nothing but a weekly infomercial for the Gothard Cult.

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  35. Thank the Lord for the Klines! You turned to God for help and he provided a way out. How terrifying that must have been to finally take the stand and go to the police station. I know you hear this all the time on your blog... but you are so brave!!!

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  36. Not a strange question Ruth, I am just honestly curious. You write beautifully and your blog reads like a novel at times. The writing style has made me skeptical and I come by being a skeptic honestly.

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  37. Just testing this posting and hoping it goes through. Rec'd an error the other day.

    Here goes.

    Jean

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  38. Shannon your question did sound odd to all of us who have been (for lack of a better word) persecuted by a parent using the legal system.

    It did sound skeptical, which you admit it was. Teens in these situations run into that attitude, and abusive parents count on it and use it to their advantage. The more outrageously an abusive parent behaves, the less likely skeptics like yourself will believe the victimized teen. It is to the abusive parent's advantage to act as outrageously as possible in private, then as sane and level-headed in public when accusing the (victimized) teen of being rebellious, incorrigible, impossible, pick your degrading adjective and go with it.

    Like Lainey, I've BTDT. It hurts all over again to see it in writing, to be honest. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

    Reminds of when one of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims escaped, feeling down the street naked and bleeding, and the cops were convinced by JD that the hysterical person was the crazy one, and they took the victim back to JD's house and left him there to die.

    Those LE didn't believe the victim because he was both a teen and mentally handicapped, but as Lainey pointed out, society easily believes that it is all the teens fault, not only no matter how outrageous the horror, but there seems to be a correlation between the level of crazy in the abuser, the less likely a teen is to be believed.

    Good thing the Klines were watching and had called in authorities on the family before. If Ruth had called the police on her own the story might have ended very differently...

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  39. ps Not to dis LE in any way, just to point out society's tendency to believe adults over teens, even in the face of undeniable evidence of wrongdoing.

    A police woman took up for me once too. God bless that officer forever!

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  40. I agree with the poster above about removing Anonymous from your comment options. I hope this makes your blog a more peaceful and positive place.

    And once again....you totally rock and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

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  41. I grew up in a crazy abusive environment, though it was different than Ruth's experience - my mother was the abuser, for one. And to this day I feel like no one would believe me, it was THAT awful and crazy. I ventured ONE TIME to tell someone, my piano teacher, when I was about 12 - and not only did she not believe me, but she told my mother what I said! I got one of the beatings of my life after that and never tried to get help again. I suffered under her tyranny until I was able to escape at age 18. So needless to say, I'm not real impressed with people who automatically disbelieve stories of abuse and feel the need to let others know of their "skepticism". What does that accomplish? And survivors getting reactions like that is one of the things that just increases the feelings of shame.

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  42. Hi Ruth,

    My heart and prayers go out to you. I just finished reading your entire blog. I was raised in an ATI family too, albeit a far tamer one, and worked at the ITC for a few years. I've chosen to forget much of it on a day to day basis, and your story reminds me. Yes, it really was this bad for some families and some people, and it's inexcusable. Your blog also helps me see just how horrible it is for the girls. You poor ATI girls! I cry for you all.

    I'm curious about the camps - I never encountered any such thing. Counseling Seminars yes, but what camps are you talking about? (Don't take this as me doubting your story, just trying to remember).

    Good luck with RAing! I work with students in a dorm as well and it's a lot of fun. Keep strong and don't be afraid.

    Sincerely yours,

    Charles Huff

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  43. Ruth - I just finished your entire blog. I think I could have written it. Some of the stories are the same (the CD you stole - yep, I didn't steal mine, but I kept it hidden - until it was found and then after a 4 hour lecture & a beating - I submitted to my "fathers" will...yeah...) I just want to encourage you that you are doing the right thing. Thankfully my family wasn't in ATI for a long time, but it was long enough. My dad ended up leaving our family for many other women and we got kicked out (I thank God all the time!) I was never "betrothed" to a guy, but my parents talked about it ALL.THE.TIME. I was scared to death - I'm sure just like you were. I am SO very happy that the Klines helped you - what wonderful people!! Congrats on getting the RA position - I'm sure you'll be wonderful at it!
    - C

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  44. I have just started reading your blog. I grew up in ATI, but was fortunate to have parents that didn't buy into the who patriarchal mentality. They were QF in that they didn't limit the number of children, but my mom didn't think very highly of those women who put their babies on schedules. She said that was the reason they had a baby every year. Without forcing her babies onto a schedule, we were spaced 2-3 years apart. She did have several miscarriages and a stillborn child. There are 8 of us total with the youngest being 12.

    I have been out of my parents home to stay for 3 1/2 years now, and although I have made some choices they don't approve of, they still support me and welcome me. Stories like yours make me appreciate the parents that I have. I may not agree with them on many things, but I can appreciate them for being good parents.

    I would recommend that you read M. Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie." In reading your blog, it is very evident that your father was one of those "People of the Lie." It is harder to tell about your mother. It appears that she was initially a victim herself. Unfortunately it appears that "People of the Lie" are especially attracted to the patriarchal movement.

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  45. Please allow me to sum things up: (1) Your mom and dad are lunatics. Sure, they wrap their lunacy up with the cloak of religious freedom and the religion of Bill Gothard/ATI, but a thorn/rose by any name is still a thorn/rose. (2) My hope is for your siblings to escape the gulag that you grew up in so that they don't suffer the same fate that was about to become yours if you would have become entrenched with the sexual pervert/future abuser that was your bethrothed. (3) Your "fiance" (for the lack of a better term) was a bonafied pig in the way that he grabbed your butt even though you were underage, scared, and had no idea of what was going on. In the "secular" world, he would have had his face slapped or suffered a roundhouse kick to the groin area; in the ATI/Bill Gothard world, that is a "sexual compliment." I think that perhaps cutting off his little wee wee aka Lorena Bottit could have been your "sexual compliment" to him in return. I'm sure that you have no idea who Lorena Bobbit is; perhaps you could google her name if you wish.

    This whole ATI/Bill Gothard religion is a crock of nonsense and whoever practices it has a few screws loose to begin with or they wouldn't embrace it in the first place. Even for those who claim that they read the bible and practice what's in it, there is no need for Bill Gothard to add his own "interpretation" and "flavor" to it. Whoever does so that simply WANTS to be told what to do. Of course, this whole system ain't so bad for the males as they basically set themselves up to be gods and everyone else just worships them; not such a bad deal if you happen to be a male - well, unless you're a little kid who's getting the snot beat out of him (like your brothers), then it's not so good.

    Basically, ATI people worship Bill Gothard, let's be honest about that. Bill Gothard and the rest of the pervert patriarchs have swung everything in their favor. They are one step away from the FLDS and I'm sure that if the law allowed it, they would snatch that up in a second too. I wish that people would stop needing for others to tell them what to do. No one needs for others to tell them what to do so that they are "saved." Saved from what??? Based on what I've read (and my own upbringing), this supposed "hell" that we're all supposed to be deathly afraid of couldn't be any worse that what many have endured on this earth already. Sorry, but it's the truth. I think that a lot of people are waking up to that fact.

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  46. Donna, while I agree with much of what you said, I would like to respectfully disagree on a few points. People who get sucked into IBLP or any other cult are not necessarily wanting to be told what to do, nor do they have a few screws loose. A lot of them sincerely want to follow God, and do love their families. Not all the men are abusive. My parents are a good example of this. They got involved as young Christians with small children. They were scared about all the dangers out there in the world, scared that their kids would turn out as bad as they had been before they came to Christ. Along comes this family who seem to have it all together. Whose kids are all neatly dressed and respectful. Who seem to have a great marriage. They go to the Basic Seminar with this other family. Hmm, some new ideas, but who has time to look up all the HUNDREDS of Scripture references that BG throws at you during that seminar? Most of it sounds pretty good... nothing in the Basic about courtship or dress codes or stuff like that. It's very incremental. It gradually sucks you in, and preys on people who are well-intentioned but spiritually mature. And once you get involved, and start trying to honor the biblical-sounding (at first) "principle of Authority" and also avoid spending a lot of time around people who are not "like-minded", you no longer hear any dissenting points of view. Everyone else is accepting it and it seems to be working for them (since they all look so perfect on the outside) so it must be true. My family is no longer in ATI, thank God, but many of the teachings still linger. You cannot be under constant false teaching (though some of it is pretty subtle, and couched in very spiritual and biblical sounding language) for 14 years and not absorb a lot of it into your subconscious, even if you later reject much of it. However, as I talk about these things with my parents and show them in Scripture how BG and IBLP are wrong, I have found them more than willing to change their minds. But it takes a while to untie all the knots your brain was twisted into.

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  47. That should have been
    "it preys on people who are well-intentioned but spiritually IMmature".

    Also, I should mention that besides the well-intentioned ones, OF COURSE any totalitarian or authoritarian system will also attract those who crave power and control, those who have an abusive, misogynistic worldview! That is true of ALL such systems, including FLDS, Islam, the Jehovah's Witnesses, etc.

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  48. Ruth, this whole story could be straight out of a drama flick! Amazing! I hope one day you write it in book form and expose this abuse to the world.

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