Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Willingly and completely

I guess the cat is out of the bag. :)
As some of you knew, my birthday was last week. I thought it was going to be a quiet day without much fuss (just as I like it). But- Harris had other plans. We started the day by driving up to his parents place for a family dinner. His mom managed to get enough pictures together to do a cute little scrapbook. This was my gift. As I was looking through it, I have to be honest, I was kind of thinking that she was a little premature because there would be a picture of me at 2 years old and then a picture of Harris (on the next page) at 2 years old. Then a picture of me at 13 and a picture of Harris at 13. And, so on and so on - until it became a record of things he and I had done together. A lot of blank pages were left in the scrapbook and I thought it was a sweet idea that she had left room for us to keep putting things in the book. After cake, Harris asked me to take a walk with him. Still pretty normal for when we visit his parents, although as I'm still in PT, I was a little worried about walking on uneven ground at night. I needn't have worried for when we went outside, his dad had hitched up this old hay wagon to one of the horses and he took us for a nighttime ride. I think I started to realize something was up when I saw that they'd lined the path with luminarias. We got to this small rise on the back of their property, that overlooks the river, and there's a bench where multiple generations of his family have come to pop the question. It was beautiful - little lanterns where everywhere and there was a bouquet of flowers on the bench (not that they were really needed because there were poppies and lupine everywhere, growing wild). I actually started to panic and I still don't understand why because I knew as soon as I saw this that I was going to say yes - but I had major butterflies in my stomach. Harris helped me out of the wagon and his dad pulled a ways-a-way to give us privacy. The conversation we had is private but the basics included that he promised to love me forever and asked if I would promise the same in return. I said "Yes!"

My ring is beautiful. It's his grandmother's engagement ring so it's very simple and I love it. Just one small diamond in a gold setting.

I can't tell you how different this feels from my first engagement. There's no way to compare the two. I wish my father and every other patriarchal, Gothard father could see how special and wonderful this was and how willing I was to say yes. I truly don't believe my father could've picked someone as right for me as Harris and I think it was the time we spent getting to know each other privately that makes this feel so right. It was the small arguments and how we learned to handle them and the shopping together and, yes, sleeping in the same bed on occasion that makes me so ready to promise myself to him. I can't wait to build a home and a life with this man.

Now to the questions I've received in e-mail and on facebook and other places-
Have you set a date?
Tentatively, yes. April or May of 2012. We haven't made any plans yet because the engagement just happened! :)

Have you told your parents?
Yes. I felt like I should and I needed to. I made the call home and my mom answered (THANK GOD!). She was really happy for me but that happiness was cut short by my father (as I expected). He wanted to make it clear to me that this wasn't a God sanctioned union and Harris hadn't asked his permission so blah, blah, blah. Harris won't be asking his permission. The funny thing was - I called using one of Harris' cousins' cell phones and they've been getting hang-up calls three times a day ever since. :/

Are you going to involve your family in the wedding?
I don't know, yet. If I thought that my dad could handle it, I might. I just don't think he can. I would love to have my siblings there but that gets complicated because for the younger ones it means having my dad there, too. I don't know right now. I would hope they could be there. We'll see.

Are you quitting school?
No! ?

Are you pregnant?
No! Again - ?

Thank you for the well wishes!

55 comments:

  1. Wishing you every happiness in the world, and enough sorrow to make the joy complete.

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  2. I feel like we are kindred spirits. I'm a man, and I didn't have nearly the trauma that you did, but I was still scarred by ATI/IBLP/Gothardism. It took me the last 5 years to figure out who I am and what I am.

    Now I'm engaged and I'm going to be getting married in May or June of 2012, as well!

    You are probably the only person, outside of my immediate family, that I think of to pray about. You inspire me to write and to share my life with others even when it's painful. Thanks.

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  3. Keep them far, far, far away from your wedding, no matter how hard it is. It will be a celebration of your new life as a wife and as a mature woman. They will use it to try to engulf you, to punish you, to immiserate you. Don't give them the chance.

    Best wishes to you and Harris.

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  4. Congratulations and best wishes! It sounds like you're marrying a great man, but it also sounds like you're marrying into a wonderful family.

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  5. CONGRATULATIONS!!! A terrific guy, a FABULOUS set of in-laws, you won the lottery, darlin'. :-) Not a God sanctioned union, my Aunt Fanny... In my mind, God is about JOY, and I can't think of anything more joyful than two people in love and getting ready to embark on a new life together. YOU GO, RUTH!!! :-D

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  6. Oh, and your man definitely knocked the ball out of the park with that proposal. Then again, I wouldn't have expected anything less. Harris is a class act!!!

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  7. Congratulations, Ruth - that's wonderful! I'm sure you and Harris will be very happy. It's not easy, but nothing worth having ever is :)

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  8. I am so, so excited for you! You so deserve it!!

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  9. Oh my goodness, that hayride and the flowers it sounds so surreal and beautiful. Congratualations...to the both of you.

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  10. I was raised in a different kind of fundy hell - matriarchal, actually - (my father is weak and pathetic and my mom definitely wore the pants in the family) - and she did everything she could to make my wedding miserable, in the days leading up to it and during the day of. She was furious that she hadn't been given complete control in planning it and was going to make sure everyone knew how upset she was, and that I would "pay" for it by not having the nice peaceful wedding every woman wants. In retrospect, I wish I had just run off and gotten married in Vegas. Just be very careful about having them there. Your dad will NOT pass up this opportunity to show his displeasure, trust me.

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  11. Congratulations! I know that you and Harris will be very happy together. I'm so happy for you!

    But yes, keep your family away from your wedding. They will do their best to ruin it, I fear, and really, you and Harris deserve a beautiful day to just celebrate your love and not have to worry about people trying to make the whole day miserable for everybody!

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  12. Congratulations, Ruth! You and Harris will be happy together, mostly because you value each other as people, not as a womb and a bread-winner.

    I'm not surprised that Harris isn't asking for permission. After all, you both already know what your father would say. As far as your family's involvement is concerned, I'm with K. Do not trust your father in this situation. As nice as it would be to have them there, the disruption isn't worth it. Having said that, I'll be praying that God will soften his heart towards you and Harris, so that perhaps he could be happy for you.

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  13. SO many good thoughts and congratulations. You are a grown woman. You do not have to be given from one man to another. Your proposal sounds so romantic and I am so thrilled that he loves you so much.

    Don't worry about your family. If you don't want your father there, don't invite him. It's not his wedding it's yours. I know that your Mom would love to be there but your Dad will prevent it, just showing more and more what an azzhat he is.

    You are going to be blessed with so many good things in your life, and enjoy every single one of them.

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  14. Congratulations, Ruth! I'm really quite excited for you both :)

    If I may add my two cents to the mix of whether or not to invite your family to the wedding...

    A marriage is a joining of two people, but it is also a joining of two families. Family is obviously very important to you both - which is likely where you're feeling the uncertainty of whether to not involve your family.

    In retrospect after my marriage to a man whose parents are much more conservative than we are (and who thought that I was a worldly woman who led him astray...they've described me as a whore to him in the past...all before ever meeting me), I wish that we had gotten married in private with no more than a handful of witnesses, then had separate celebrations with each part of the family that were also private and specific to that side of the family. To be frank, it's unavoidable that at some point Harris is going to meet your family. I think it would be better if he was meeting your family as your husband, not as your fiance. Again, just my two cents.

    In case you were wondering, his parents now accept me...at least to my face. I strongly suspect they still think of me as a worldly, sinful influence over their son. But after being married for a year and a half, they treat me with civility and sometimes with love.

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  15. Congratulations! I wish you and Harris the best as you plan to begin your life together! SO very happy for you!

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  16. Congratulations! I found your blog a little while ago, and have read it all, and this is happiness you deserve. As a recently-married myself, I would absolutely recommend marriage counseling (secular or religious, whatever you like) before the wedding. My husband comes from a messed up childhood, and it makes a huge difference to have constructive guided discussions about how things might look before there are real problems.

    There are real heartbreaks and difficult conversations when it comes to excluding family members, and be sure that they WILL find out when/where your wedding is despite your best efforts. My husband had to have a very painful conversation with his biological father requesting that he NOT attend the wedding (he didn't get an invitation, but he found out from others) and we had people set up to handle him if he attempted to attend against our wishes so that it wouldn't ruin our day.

    Best of luck planning! Enjoy this season of your relationship (though I found engagement really hard, and I cried a lot and I hated wedding planning, but that's ok too, because after all of it, you're married!!!!)

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  17. Congratulations! I'm happy that you have found love on your own, this is true love and you deserve it!

    I do wish there was a way to involve your siblings and maybe even your mom in the upcoming wedding and plans, etc. But I do agree that your dad will likely cause way too much trouble. I also worry that he and the previous guy may try to cause a lot of problems in the next year. Be strong! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Just know that you and Harris are doing the right thing for you both.

    Much love to you and Harris, may you have a lovely wedding and long, happy life together.

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  18. I teared up as I was reading this post. Thank you so much for opening up to us, and I wish you all the best with Harris. He sounds like a real gem! That proposal sounds surreal and romantic and dreamy, and you sound so happy and I'm so utterly joyful for you.
    :-D
    -Penny

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  19. Oh, how amazing, romantic, and wonderful! Harris sounds like a good man, and it already sounds like you're part of his family :)

    As far as the hang-up calls -- maybe y'all can call the phone provider to have the calling numbers blocked.

    I hope that this relationship continues to be amazing and healthy for both of you!

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  20. YAY!! i was reading while holding my sleeping 18 month old and when i exclaimed out loud it startled her! i am so excited for you!!

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  21. So much happiness to both of you.

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  22. Congratulations!! So happy for you, and so deserved.

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  23. I've never commented before...I just found your blog last week (and read most of all the entries! :0. I've been under the weather, and I found your story heartbreaking and riveting all at the same time).

    This is such wonderful news! I could go on and on about how amazing and fun marriage is, I've been married going on 6 years, and we've been through a lot of crap. But we've done it together and it's been interesting at least!

    I love your love story...I'll be praying for you as you guys prepare for the wedding and for the coming school year. Will you do summer courses this year?

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  24. Hugs and congrats! May you have a wonderful blessed life!!

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  25. Congrats!!! Marriage is a wonderful thing, and I know you and Harris will be happy together!

    -Lauren H.

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  26. Congratulations. This is how it's supposed to be. Leave the past behind and embrace your future—willingly and completely!

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  27. Congratulations! When it's right, you know. :-)

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  28. Congratulations to you both! May your wedding be as lovely as that proposal (although it certainly should exclude your father if he's likely to try to make the day all about his disapproval), and your lives together be long and joyful.

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  29. yay! I'm so happy for both of you! (I've been waiting for this moment ever since I found your blog)

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  30. Congratulations! I think Harris is a great guy (from what little I know) but I love how warm his family is toward you. I couldn't wish a more supportive family for you.

    And such a romantic proposal! I'm glad you had the chance to see the difference between a proposal from the man you love and one who views you as chattel.

    I would not invite your family to the wedding. They are stressful enough. Do you really want to spend the entire ceremony wondering when your dad is going to stand up and start screaming about his umbrella of protection?

    I would offer to come visit the family with Harris so they can meet your husband.

    Good luck! And I hope your leg is doing well, too!

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  31. It is possible for you to get some videographers at your wedding who can do live uploading to a website.... you can give your mother the link, and she and your siblings will be able to watch you getting married, but your father won't know the address and won't be able to actually *be there* and cause problems.

    I have worked with video on some funerals and friends have worked with video for some weddings that do this when some of the family is in another country and cannot attend.

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  32. Congrats! After what you've been through, you deserve every moment of happines.

    I just found out about your blog two days ago and couldn't tear myself away. The strength you have shown and continue to show is amazing. I'm looking forward to reading more. Hope you're leg is mending well. I might have missed this - was it the same leg?

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  33. Congratulations on your happy news! :D We're so happy for you both.

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  34. Happy to read the full story here after seeing the good news on FB. Such a touching proposal & how lovely to have his grandmother's ring. What a difference to have the love & support of his family instead of mere tolerance, huh?

    Can't wait until it's on to wedding planning! I got married a year & 1/2 ago and it was so much fun putting it all together on a budget. I'm sure there are a ton of us who will be happy to help with ideas/tips when you're ready for them.

    Jacquie D

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  35. YAYYYYYYY!

    I'm so happy for you!
    :) Hugs!

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  36. Congratulations, Ruth! I'm so happy for you. I think it's wonderful that you've found someone who makes you so happy. You are a remarkable woman who really deserves it, and it sounds like Harris is a wonderful guy.

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  37. You deserve every second of joy! Congratulations, and best wishes for a long, happy life together.

    You'll have plenty of time to introduce your husband to your family, but that is one day that can be for your new family only. Your siblings will understand. Your father never will. I think you already accept that.

    Best of luck to you, Ruth.

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  38. Congratulations!! You deserve every happiness!

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  39. He wanted to make it clear to me that this wasn't a God sanctioned union

    Four words: "You're not God, Dad."

    Congratulations!

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  40. I wish your father would be a man and repent to you for putting you thru your previous "engagement." May the God of the Bible open his eyes to just how wicked he has been to you and enable him to repent and bring healing to your family.

    No matter what happens, I wish you the best, and -congratulations!

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  41. YAY!! I am so happy for you!

    What you feel now is the way is should feel: all your own choice, your own happiness. No pressure.

    Again, congratulations! :D

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  42. Congratualtions Ruth! I join the others in wishing you every happiness together with Harris. <3<3<3

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  43. Congratulations! May you and Harris have many happy years together :)

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  44. Ruth! Congratulations! I am just so happy for you.

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  45. Congratulations!!! Wishing you all the happiness in the world with the love of your life. Here begins the rest of your life!

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  46. Congratulations, sweetie! You deserve it, and Harris sounds like a great guy with a wonderful family. Know that you have many people celebrating with you.

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  47. Oh, many many congratulations!!

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  48. Congratulations!

    Wow, amazing the contrast between the comment you posted and your description of Harris.

    Wish you both the best.

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  49. Huge congrats!

    Recently got linked to your blog off an ex fundy forum, and am catching up. Based just on the comments your family have made on your blog, there is no way you should invite them.

    Setting up a live video stream or updating with pictures is very easy to do, and will allow them to watch without doing whatever disruptive manipulative nonsense your father would absolutely do.

    I hope all goes well, and marriage may be difficult, but yours won't be soul destroying like your mothers is/was, from everything you've written about Harris.

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  50. PS, if you are worried about privacy on a web cast, you can USTREAM (which I've used for private & public webcasting of church events & funeral, sermons, etc), allows you to password protect or stream publicly for free.

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  51. Dearest Ruth,

    I just found your blog last night. I've read it all (couldn't stop reading). You are a strong, strong woman. I am so proud of you and your journey and I appreciate your sharing it with all of us. I am a survivor also and what you write rings so true. Especially your father.

    My heart leapt for joy at Harris' proposal. To find joy (true joy, not JOY) and happiness after what you've been through is such a blessing.

    I would say God bless you, but it's obvious He has. May your future be filled with joy, laughter and love. You deserve so much happiness and you deserve love.

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  52. Congratulations. I'm glad that you found such an awesome guy.

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  53. I was raised pretty much the same only it never got to the pre arranged marriage part (even though they belived in it).
    i always thought my dad just had a controling personality untill i read your blog and see that all the similarities (the bathroom time,shame over being a woman, my dad giving me the sex/starting my period talks instead of my mom ,no birthdays,no individual pictures, raising girls with no self worth, ect the list goes on and on) where ATI taught. long story short i think you are incredibly strong and have come a long way in a short amount of time! but i say all that to ask for help I NEED THERAPY very badly and wondered if you have any suggestion? i would love to talk to your counseler since i wouldnt have to explainor if she has any suggestions where i can go (i live near denver) or am willing to fly

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  54. @Celeste, Believe it or not, any kind of domestic abuse counselor is going to be very familiar with the problems & situations you would've been through in your own abusive developmental environment. IDK if "Ruth" is paying attention to her blog anymore (no post in over a month). Hope you get a response from her, but just googling domestic abuse counselor, should get you started in the right direction. All the best to you!

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  55. Oh my goodness! I haven't posted in a long while, but I have to here. Congratulations! I remember back when you first started blogging about Harris. And look now, you two are engaged! I'm so happy for you two, and I truly wish you both a lifetime of happiness together.

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