Friday, October 7, 2011

Old Questions

Two posts in one day!
Today has been blissfully slow and unscheduled so I finally have a chance to answer a back-log of e-mails and questions from really old blog posts. Many of the e-mails and comments strike similar chords: for those, I will not put the name of who asked because there were multiple people. For others, I have put down initials or names (based on requests for privacy, usually).

Here we go...
How was your summer?
Busy, busy, busy! After last summers' financial fiasco, I decided that the best way to avoid a lot of my financial stress was to give up one of the scholarships I had accepted (that limited the time I was allowed to work) and just work multiple jobs while I could. The scholarship amount had been reduced to the point of it being absurd to limit myself. With the exception of the visit to the family, I worked almost every day at two places. I nannied for a family that just needed part time nannying on the weekdays, from 5am to noon. Then, I worked for a company that was taking down a chain bookstore and boxing up the inventory. That was usually a 5pm to midnight job. In between, I slept and did counselling with Harris or hung out. I was going to take a class but that was pushing the limit of possibility. Let's see. I also had physical therapy thrown in the mix.

Ron asked: How are you recovering from your accident?
Well, I think! I had a physical therapist who was willing to see me only twice a month (because of insurance and financial limits) and then provide me with really detailed, daily programs to follow. I did get a small settlement (after all the medical bills were paid out). It wasn't enough to let me out of working but it was enough to cover all the medical expenses and partially pay for the Arkansas trip.

How's Harris?
Great! He's really focused on the future and planning that (as much as you can plan).

T.J. of South Africa asked: Are you still in a holding phase about religion?Which church are you getting married in?
I guess so. I put those things on the back burner while I focused on my immediate needs for survival. My therapist had asked me one day why I felt like I had to put myself in a category for religion and I told her it was just something I felt like I was supposed to do. She asked "why?" and really pushed me to examine why I felt that need and, pathetically, I realized that it was a very external reason: I felt like I needed to check that box to define myself for others. Like I said- pathetic! So I've decided that - at least for now- that's not something I truly need to define and I'm okay with just seeing how it develops. I've been to church with friends and I haven't found a fit. I really think that organized religion might not be for me. But we'll see.
We aren't getting married in a church. There will be a minister performing our ceremony but it will be outdoors. That much we do know. Harris and I want to keep it small and focus on the things and people we love.

S. Sawtelle and Kate asked about gifting: I want to thank you for the offer and the love you're showing. For now, however, I want to pass on gifts from internet friends/readers. It's not that I don't appreciate what has been given to me or what you're wanting to do. It's just that that got complicated and made some people doubt the legitimacy of my blog and it's message. Just having a paypal link was seen as a request for handouts. So I can only imagine what having a bridal registry or wish list would make people say. Please let me think about it for a while. Okay? I do thank you for the sentiment.

Maritza said: "Do you think you're really ready to be married? (clip) you struggled financially...(clip) were just getting independent when you got engaged so fast. Why don't you date around?"
I love Harris and we've worked really hard to make sure this is what we both want. Our therapist was saying that no one is ever completely and perfectly ready for marriage but that you *can* prepare yourself with honesty and in depth, constant self-evaluation. I realize that this is a serious commitment I'm making to another human being and that I've had a rough past. I realize this will be difficult at times and that it will be work. I am willing to work at it. There again- I have never felt as deep a love for any person as I do for him and I am confident that he feels the same way. We have, during this premarital counselling run into issues that we disagree on but they're not deal breakers and we're not shutting out conversations. One of those issues is when to start a family. I want to wait a few years and Harris would love to start as soon as that ring goes on my finger. HA! Rather than not deal with it at all, we're talking about it and using the tools we've been given to really listen to the other person's point of view. I think we're much more prepared than most. And I can definitely say that we're far better off than some of the marriages that would've been considered "prepared" under the standards in which I grew up. I also think that using the term "rushing" is maybe misused regarding our relationship. We didn't scurry off to Vegas! LOL Tempting but we didn't.

Hannah K. asked: Did you hear that an ATI dad has used your blog as a cautionary tale during a conference speech? No!! Please write me back and share the details. I'd love to see if I can find it on youtube.

Jordan asked: Is there any way you would speak at my church? No. Although I feel closer to being comfortable sharing my identity, I'm not there, yet. I like the freedom this anonymity has given me to share my true feelings. As soon as I share who I am, it will be "game on" for an entire religious group and there's no turning back. My dad might be expected to show more discipline with my sisters, to prevent them from going "my way", and I won't do that to them. It's bad enough as is. But, there are several ex-ATI/QF women who would take you up on that offer. Just look around Freejinger or No Longer Quivering or those other sites. Good luck.


  1. Awww, coolness about the wedding planning, Ruth! I will toast you with my best glass. :)

    Oh, since it's October--Happy Halloween!

  2. As far as rushing things for the wedding; Honey, I met my now husband on while I was in the middle of a divorce. We met at a bar halfway between where we both lived, and six weeks later, we went to a wedding of his that was both pretentious and well, all I can think of is rolling my eyeballs! I leaned over and whispered to Rick, "When we get married, let's not do it like this."

    We married 11 months after we met, 5 months after my divorce was final, (My ex dragged it out as long as he possibly could. When Rick and I met, I had filed for divorce over a year before. Long, sordid story that I'd be happy to share, just for your amusement, ;-) )

    Rick is truly my soul mate. We are like minded in most things, we are Christians deep in our hearts and secure about who we are in Christ, despite what 'rules' we have broken. We have been through a deployment in Iraq ( 6 weeks after we were married) and the loss of our first child together, and the subsequent birth of our two daughters, the oldest of which had a serious birth defect which caused me to birth her not in our state of Montana, but in Atlanta GA because no one here could help us.

    I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my husband, come hell or high water, and we've been through both. We just celebrated our 6th anniversary.

    If Harris is right for you, then he's right for you. Everyone should be so lucky and blessed to find the one they'd crawl over broken glass or walk on fire for.

    I wish you both the best.

  3. Ruth, A small bug for your ear.

    Writing is a noble profession. You are a wonderful writer. Why is it greedy or selfish to be paid for you work? Don't the Gothard's make money from writing? Does it matter if your words are written in cyberspace or on paper, is paper what makes it noble?

    Teaching is noble position. You are a good teacher, you teach through writing. Why is it selfish for you to be paid for your work?

    Many blogs are reader supported. If they weren't supported by their readers they could not produce the good writing that appears on my screen because they have to spend writing time doing something that isn't writing.

    You really are a great writer.

    Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, have a great time.

  4. I'm glad that things are progressing in an overall good fashion, Ruth. How close are you to graduating, and are you planning on grad school?

    I hope that school, work, and life go well for you :)

  5. Hi, Ruth. I've been reading your blog for a while now, just never saw the need to comment.

    Concerning your "rushing" into marriage and "are you ready?": No, no one is ever truly "ready", but you are so right in that we can prepare. For example, my husband and I celebrated our first anniversary in August. And we still hear it from some people that we rushed it. My husband is military. He doesn't have time to run off to premarital counseling every week, or to get married, or have a honeymoon. But we've known each other for years now. How many? I'm not even sure because it's been so long and we've been through so much together. We knew we'd have disagreements and other issues, but we'd be fine on the whole because we already knew how to communicate as best friends. As to our rushing it, we figured out, almost in the same instant, that we were in love with each other. Only I was vocal (ish) about it while he kept telling himself he was thinking things that weren't real. That was before Army BCT. The day after grad, he texted me to ask me to marry him. (Long story I will one day broach on my blog.) About three months later, we got married the day after OCS grad. Took us a few months to realize we hadn't just dreamed our fateful wedding; it actually happened. But compared to us, you're a horrible terrible heathen. And I'm so terribly glad! Love him with everything you have. Act as though his happiness depends on you, in part because it does, in part because if you act for him out of love, your marriage will be far happier. Many blessings on you, your future husband, and your marriage and life. And school. :)

  6. Ruth, many kudos for speaking out the way you have - and for being an "encouragement" to those of us recovering from our own childhood abuse issues!

    Wondering what you think of this story about Joshua Komisarjevsky - the nutjob that brutally murdered a woman and her two daughters in CT - having been home-schooled for a time using Gothard's materials?

  7. interesting about your Dad's speach. All the ATI family blogs are the same. Everything is "precious" or a "sweet fellowship" and everyone is so happy! Happy! happy!! And so "purposed" to serve (what an inane word--purposed).


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