Friday, October 7, 2011

Wedding Bells and Summer

I'm sorry I haven't posted regularly (or at all). Harris and I had some post engagement jitters and decided to seek out pre-marital counselling. We decided to do it intensely and, the reality is, that *I* needed to work out a whole lot of things before I could feel 100% sure of marriage. As it turns out, that intense examination of our lives was the best thing for our relationship and we're full-steam ahead for a wedding sometime in 2012.

So I'm sorry for not keeping up here or answering e-mails. I was putting a focus on my relationship and didn't want anything getting in the way of that. Blogging takes some level of commitment. :)

I know some of you knew about the visit with my parents. I said I would blog about it, so here goes.

Harris' parents were really concerned about my relationship with my family. They brough up the valid point that, even with the history, my parents had some degree of a right to expect to meet the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But they also agreed with my point that this was a toxic relationship (with my family) and any meeting would have to be on my terms and with enough support to facilitate a good outcome. Harris' mom decided she would go along with us.

My brother told my dad and mom we'd be back in town and asked if we might all get together. We met for lunch at a public place. It was very tense. I got to see my newest little sister (Blessing) for the first time, really. It was a special moment. She's adorable! Mom was happy to see me and hear about my life. As expected, though, my father was not. He only said two or three words during the entire lunch and those words weren't very kind. He had more to say (or, maybe, "inquisite" is a better word) to Harris.

The next day, the three of us (Harris, H's mom, and I) went to my brother's house and my father came storming in. He wasn't happy that Harris never asked his "permission" for my hand. He wasn't happy that I left home the way I did. He wasn't happy that I had, to his eyes, "foresaken the values I was raised to". He just wasn't happy. My therapist had prepared me for his reaction and to a large extent, I didn't care. After he ranted for twenty minutes or so, I asked if he would ever be able to accept me as I was? He said, "No." and I said that we were done then. He has the right to decide not to accept who I am and the choices I make. However that's his loss. I told him I accepted who he was and even though I strongly disagreed with his lifestyle and tenets of faith - I accept that that's his choice and not my choice. He told me I'd burn in hell and stormed out. THAT, my Gothard readers, is the "family first", "unbreakable bond" that you're heading towards! Choose wisely. Don't pick Gothard over your child. Would a benevolent and kind Christ make you choose an ideology over your child?

Mom and I had a good conversation the following and last day of my visit with the family. She said dad "allowed it"- which made me cringe. I want to keep that conversation private only because my dad would likely turn some of it against her and I don't want that. My mom was, as she said, "given authority" to form her own opinion about Harris and join us for lunch. She said she thought we were well matched...for what that's worth. I love my mom, dearly, but I can't keep waiting for her to ACT like the mother I want her to be. They've decided they can't attend my wedding but will chaperone any of the at-home siblings that wish to attend so long as we're married before a certain faith of minister. Since that's probably not the path we're taking, I guess they won't be at my wedding.

I wish it were different.
I'm still in school. I'm working quite a bit and struggling to be independent before getting married and becoming independent together (?). But, it's worth it! I'm sharing a place with four roommates (none of whom are Harris) and it's interesting for this former Gothardite Girl. :) Have a wonderful day!


  1. i'm so glad for the update, ruth. you frequently cross my mind.

    i've always admired the good head on your shoulders, and i can see that it is serving you well. you are making wise decisions for yourself and your future, and i applaud you.

    i'm just so sorry about your dad, and your whole family as a result. sigh. i wish things were different for you, but i suppose they aren't, they won't be, and it's only right to move on with your own independence and your own future.

  2. Someday, your mother is going to really, desperately regret that she missed her oldest(?) daughter's wedding, and that will cause marital problems with her and your father. And she will have brought it all on herself.

  3. So good to hear about your life. I am sorry about your dad, that he won't open his eyes and see what a blessing you are. He's so entrenched in the voodoo that he's blinded. It's your loss Darth Daddy not Ruth's.

    I hope your wedding prep goes well and enjoy living with roommates!

  4. I'm sure your mom will regret missing your wedding and she probably wants to attend, but if she did attend, I can't imagine how their marriage could continue on and that would create a ton of problems for your mom. I'm sorry it isn't working out that way but happy for you that you are happy and beginning a new phase in life.

  5. Many, many congratulations: on the upcoming wedding, on getting the counseling beforehand (something I could have benefited from myself, albeit for different reasons), on working to become independent, on not being intimidates...

    And, the other side of the coin, profound condolences on the inability of your father (and consequently your family) to accept you as you are and be happy for your happiness.

  6. Sorry, that should have said "on not being intimidated..."

  7. What a long way you've come Ruth! I'm so proud of you! Some day you can be that fabled "strong tower" for the siblings to run to! Harris must be a very special guy and I'm so glad you found him. Your father WILL learn--after he loses most of his children. So sad and so needless.

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  9. Thank you for sharing.

    Congratulations to you and Harris. I'm so happy that you are happy with him and he with you.

    What a wise future MIL you have. She's a good one to have in your corner.

  10. Glad to hear the good news. Sorry one person isn't. Glad you're handling it so well. God bless.

  11. I am happy for you and proud of you for becoming who you are. So sorry that your family is still acting like schmucks. Great to see you back.

  12. Big congrats on continuing to recover from your childhood. Best of luck to you guys. Sorry to hear your family are still obstinately abusive as much as the can be. Bad parenting sadly comes naturally to far to many people including yours.

  13. Congratulations, Ruth! I was just thinking of you today and wondering what was going on in your life. It's wonderful that you chose to seek counseling and work through some issues before marriage. I wish I had done that. You are an amazing person and I'm sorry your family can't accept you for who you are but I'm very glad you have something special with Harris.

  14. I'm falling out of love with Harris's family. Your parents did not have the right to meet Harris.
    They forfeited that right with the way they attempted to force you into an undesirable marriage. They have repeatedly shown that they are incapable of a healthy, meaningful relationship that does not rely on manipulation and control. They are poison.

    Bottom line is that your parents do not have a right to your life, especially not as an adult.
    I'm seeing some red flags here, Ruth and as an Xer myself, I want to just put that out there for ya. I learned these things the hard way.

    Please, for your own sake, do not allow yourself to be pressured into situation that you are reasonably certain are going to end badly.
    Your father is consistent in one thing: he will be a jerk. You must plan accordingly.

    Anyways, I'm happy for you. Really glad to see that you had posted!

  15. Good luck to you and Harris. Sorry the visit with your parents didn't go so well. You are in my thoughts frequently. Take care

  16. Congratulations Ruth. I am so sorry the visit with your family wasnt more pleasant, but I am happy you got to meet your new sister and see your Mother.


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