Wednesday, December 21, 2011


From my experience with blogging, when you blog, you don't expect that it will become this place that you really go to for advice. Maybe it's because I lack a family support structure, but I look to some of you for your wisdom like I would look to my own family. It was that way with the wedding post. For a few months now, I have been feeling like my engagement to Harris was more about me wanting a family than being "in love" with Harris. I think I'm damaged beyond fixing because getting to know Harris was wonderful and growing to love him was wonderful but I really became attached to him when I met his family. So why am I so unable to give up any control to that family that I came to love?

Harris and I are no longer engaged. It's over.

I don't believe it was his fault. I think it's mine. His family wanted a big wedding and Harris wanted it to. I couldn't do it. It's my failure. When we all sat down to talk about the wedding, his parents said that they understood my fears about big weddings- and what it really came to is that I have had to be such a private person for so long that I couldn't get comfortable with so many eyes on me and so many people wondering why Harris was marrying me- me with no family and me with no real background. His family is so well-off and so educated and I just didn't feel worthy or like I fit. When Harris started talking about how involved his family was and would be in our lives, I saw it as something to fear rather than a blessing that it probably would be. It's control. I was going to lose control.

I've met some of his extended family and it exposed how inept at family I really am. I don't understand families. It's me. I don't know how to be part of that bigger thing because the only family I grew up with was so commanding and exacting.

I have done 'the work' in therapy. We, as a couple, were doing 'the work'. I was happy until it came to that aspect of family. I asked Harris if we could just continue as we'd been - not married, but moving ahead in a committed relationship. He said no. He was afraid of me "never coming around to the idea of being part of something bigger" and "always wanting us to be separate". He's right. I had this idiotic idea that we could be a couple and have his family be this thing that we'd see when we wanted and invite in just as much as we wanted. That's not how marriage works, I guess.

In our pre-marital counselling, one thing that also came up is that I don't think I want children right away. I love kids. But I'm terrified of holding that responsibility in my hands. I talk a good game about how my childhood was robbed and handled wrong and yes, I could change diapers or cook meals and "provide" for the physical needs of my child, but I'm emotionally damaged and you can't mother if you yourself are so damaged, right?

I don't know what I will do from here.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Oh heavens!

Apparently, my mother and her friends attended Jubilee Duggar's memorial. My brother sent me a forward of the e-mail my mother sent him about the event. My feelings and comments follow.

God is good! Praise Him in his absolute perfect wisdom and compassion. ************ and I attended the beautiful memorial for little Jubilee Shalom Duggar. Hundreds of people were there to life them up in prayer. If you know and walk with our Lord you know HE has her in his Kingdom and he only chooses those that have spirits too pure for this earth. Jubilee is at perfect peace in HIS arms while she waits for that time in which her mother and father will greet her in heaven. I'm sure J.L. is holding his granddaughter on his knee right now and they are smiling down at the Duggar family and their kin. What we witnessed today was a family living the WORD of GOD. They could've been like many of today's families in their heartbroken grief, wailing and gnashing at the world and being angry at God for HIS decision. Oh yes they could have been. We know that this is not how a true believer reacts to a situation even as hard as this. We praise God during bad times and we will elevate HIM in the bad and that is what the Duggars did today. Proud were they of this little life that God blessed them to have that they related the memories of finding they had been chosen to carry this angel-baby. Michelle and Jim Bob spoke of her impact on their faith after Josie's struggle. Jubilee gave them a renewed hope and purpose to continue his commandment to accept children willingly and at HIS timing. They are to be applauded for this unpopular steadfastness to LIFE! In honor of the Duggars and their new angel, let us all remember them during fellowship and spread their message of faith. Let us praise them in our daily lives as we praise HIM. If we spread this beautiful family's message to one person and they spread that grace to another person, we can pray a circle of protection around them to scare off any negative, unGODLY persons who are attacking them on vicious websites and the devil's media. Please add the following passages to your prayer tonight. Psalms 127:3, Titus 2:11In humble prayerful fellowship-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Where to start with this?

Mom, I understand you didn't intend for me to read this or post this. I apologize if what I'm about to say hurts/disappoints you.

Mom,I have found no biblical support for a 200+ person funeral for a miscarried infant. When you miscarried, did Bros. Gothard or any of your ATI/VF people arrange such a "celebration of life" for you? What about the miscarriage of your daughter in law? Did you send out a note asking for prayerful support? I remember hearing that they asked you and Dad to come mourn the loss with them and dad said he was too busy. Is it because the Duggars are on television? What would make you treat them better than your own family? I have more compassion for Josie Duggar. Why hasn't the ATI crowd rallied around a cause to make sure she receives the earthly needs that she undoubtedly has after her premature birth?

You won't come to my wedding, but you'll go to the funeral of a 16 week fetus?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Wedding Question

Harris and I are starting to plan our wedding. I never, ever imagined it would be as complicated to plan something that's supposed to be "a simple, small wedding"!

I need advice.

Background: As you might guess, my parents won't be there and I don't have a large extended family I'm close to. It's likely that the only blood family of mine that attends will be two or three (HOPEFULLY, HINT!) of my siblings. In any case, I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle (not "give me away" - just accompany me). This makes me very happy and I'm fine with keeping it intimate. Harris' family is huge! His parents are willing to pay the added expenses of adding people to the guest list and I guess I should be grateful for that and let it go. But, I really don't want this to become a spectacle. His parents and I normally get along really well but they're not understanding how awkward I would feel having 200 people on the groom's side and 10 on the bride's side.
Question: Does anyone have any ideas as to how to keep this small AND satisfy Harris' family?

Should I get over it? Am I being stubborn over something that just isn't going to matter in ten years?

Friday, December 9, 2011

Duggar Miscarriage

Ruth! Did you hear about the Duggar miscarriage of #20? Do you think they'll try again or get the message? Do you think they will show the funeral?

Yes. I heard about the miscarriage.
I'm torn about giving my opinion or sharing my thoughts on this because, at the very least, a family who wanted another child is suffering a loss and that loss is tragic to them. Who am I to judge them at a time like this? I'm no one. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not really judging them as much as I am explaining their rationale for people who've never experienced a family like them before. Right or wrong - I have an insight and I've been asked to share that insight.

They WILL try again. Like I said in my last post, it didn't matter how this pregnancy ended; happy, sad, tragic, joyous- in their mind, whatever happens would be a blessing from God. I have no doubt that at this very moment, in the Duggar home, the family is consoling themselves with the thought that their 20th (21st, if you count Michelle's first miscarriage) child is with Jesus. Not only is he/she with Jesus, but HE/SHE WAS CHOSEN to go early - they would consider this AN HONOR! I've heard some ask if they would see a difference between this loss and their first loss and the answer is a resounding "YES!". The first loss was not God's will, but the consequence of their decision to use that Evil Birth Control (EBC). This loss can't be blamed on that. You might wonder if they're self-aware enough, as ridiculous as the premise is, of seeing their pride and hubris as a sin worthy of punishment from God? I have to say that I don't know where they fall on that spectrum. My heart tells me that they will ask themselves this question because of the perpetual guilt trip and fault finding spirit that Gothard instills in these families. My head tells me that, although the Duggars wear the Gothard/ATI/QF badges on their sleeves, they're also Reality Show stars with the narcissicism and egos that seem to go along with being on TLC. They've likely started to believe that they are a virtuous, moral family REWARDED by God with this show. As such, they will fall to seeing this loss as a blessing. The real question isn't how they will perceive this loss, I supppose, but what they do with that?

The potential exists for them to view this loss as a warning from God to quit the show. That's a slim potential, but it exists nonetheless. They may also see this as God's challenge to them to keep up their mission despite another set-back. After all, Josie came out "okay", right? They may use this as a "teachable moment"- "see how we didn't let this loss stand in the way of our belief that we should accept all children from God?!?!?" If they truly view their show as a mission, then we will see every step in the process of their grief and acceptance because they view themselves as a light!

Unless TLC tells them otherwise (and what are the chances of that happening), we will see the ultrasound. We will see the kids being told (at the very least, we'll see the reactions of the girls who went with Jim Bob and Michelle) and we will see the door to the Tinker Toy House be closed for a few days before they regroup and film the funeral. We'll be shown the funeral. I would call on TLC to have a conscience and not exploit this for ratings. However, I have a feeling Jim Bob will insist it all be shown for the same reasons that they gave us a birdseye view on his dad's death and his youngest daughter's excrutiating struggle in the NICU- because it shows the Duggar family as the heroic, Christian soldiers that they want to be. Remember, this is the same man who said, as his wife and premature infant were DYING- "This is fixing to change our lives...we thank God for the good things and we need to praise him for the bad things too" (or some such thing). In my opinion, he's disassociated from actually caring for his family long ago- now it's all about showing YOU just how MUCH HE'S LEAVING THIS UP TO GOD.

As such, his wife's physical and mental health are secondary. The health of the flower he's planted in her uterus is secondary. The physical and mental well-being of his children (who are also dealing with this loss) is secondary. What matters to this family, and generally to all QF/ATI/Gothard families, is the evidence of their devotion to the principle.

On a more personal note, I was actually angry when I read his request for privacy. Not because they don't deserve privacy. THEY ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY DO DESERVE to grieve this loss with the dignity and privacy that most families would grieve it. The anger within me comes from knowing that this will only be "private" until it's needed for ratings or for the family's mission purposes. I also suspect, and am angry, because it will only be private in the same way that they didn't give us daily updates on Josie's progress, but kept it "private" until they gave updates to the Today Show or People or 19 Kids and Counting producers.

This show needs to end.

This people article, quoting Michelle, is the answer to the first question - "will they try again?" Despite the fact that, as I understand it, the progesterone dip would follow the miscarriage, and not necessarily mean that that's what caused the miscarriage, this is the excuse and "out" Michelle is looking for to try again. She'll follow the Bates' example and use progesterone next time. If she does, I have a feeling this show will be done- you can't say that you're leaving it up to God's will if you're taking meds to prevent God's will.