Saturday, August 25, 2012
Apology for the lengthy absense.
I'm sorry that I didn't post for so long. All hell broke loose on multiple fronts and I had some serious soul searching, as well as job searching, to do.
Rachel went back to my parents' home. It was completely unexpected and emotionally devastating. The best I can say is that I'm glad Ellie is in a happy, healthy home and that my sister, if she couldn't be strong enough for herself, was strong enough to let go of her daughter.
The basic description of the circumstances were that my QF brother convinced Rachel to meet him for a "talk" in Los Angeles. Rachel decided that she wanted to see him and so I managed transportation for us to go. We had lunch and all seemed like it was going great. Then, out of nowhere, Rachel started talking about wanting to go home. Not one to pass up such an opportunity, my brother bought her a ticket. I still haven't figured out her reasons for going home. Perhaps it was due to the degree of which she was unprepared for life outside of that lifestyle? Maybe because she wasn't progressing in her quest for an education in the manner she thought she should. Maybe I was a terrible roommate? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that this is the second time she's done this and I'm worn out.
Being as she went back. My parents found out my exact address and contact information. I want nothing to do with them so I moved. I got a job that I don't like, but it pays for rent and groceries. As hard as it is, I'm living independently and it makes me feel good about myself. I'm working as much as possible and I was without a computer for a while. I bought a refurb laptop so I can get back online now with some regularity.
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Good to hear from you Ruth. Sorry to hear about your sister.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Ruth, so sorry to hear you went through all of this! Thank you for checking in with everyone here :) I hope, whatever her reasons, your sister is able to experience some kind of peace. And I'm proud of you for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and be your own person :)
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about you the other day. Sorry to hear about all your problems. At least your safe.
ReplyDelete-Pam
I checked your blog earlier today. I'm so very sorry. Good to hear about having a job that pays the bills and that you are safe.
ReplyDeleteRuth, just take care of you. Ellie is safe, your sister... well, she has to make her own decisions. But you? You've had an excruciating year. Having a job you hate does suck, but everyone goes through that a few times. Choose some goals, both long term and short term. Focus on those. Do what you need to do to keep yourself going and to find motivation.
ReplyDeleteYou're an incredible woman. You WILL succeed. And I'm going to echo some previous sentiments: you have an incredible story to tell, if you want to tell it. But whether you do or not, you've already overcome so much, there's no question you're going to make it.
Hang in there. :-)
I am so sorry to read this. The dynamics are almost the same as an abusive relationship-- not violence, but emotional abuse-- and it's unfortunately common for it to take several tries for a person to break free and stay free. She knows you are there for her when it comes time again, and hopefully her time with you has made her tolerance much lower. I am glad you are safe and well, and wish you only the best going forward. Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteOh Ruth, I'm so sorry to hear they got to Rachel. Where was your other brother?
ReplyDeleteI know you were struggling to support her and man, those assholes (pardon my French, but that's what they are) preyed on your weaknesses and got to her.
Just know a lot of people who have been there are praying for both of you, and of course, Ellie. Out of state, I don't see any way she can regain custody, not that anyone would marry her with or without the child. She's "damaged goods" and I'm sure the patriarchs in your family are drilling that into her as I type. :(
I have checked most every evening for some time to see if you had posted a new update. So nice to finally hear from you. I am so sorry for how hard it is and I am really sorry about your sister. I can only imagine your devastation. What you are doing is incredibly hard, but I am so very grateful you escaped. I for one am rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteYikes, what a crazy summer. I'm sorry Rachel was pulled back in, but very glad that Ellie is in a much healthier family environment.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new place works for you, and the job (even if it sucks) pays the bills. And that you get at least a little bit of time to relax on a regular basis. Take care, Ruth.
Ruth, I am sorry to hear that Rachel went home, but you were an amazing big sister and provided her with invaluable support and love during her pregnancy/postpartum. I am sure Ellie is in good hands. Rachel going home had nothing to do with you. As a poster said above, for some it takes many tries to finally leave, or she may decide that she wants to stay. It takes a very strong, resilient person, to leave behind everything they knew growing up for the chance to live independently.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you hate your job, but the self pride from living on your own will make it easier to get through these dreary days. Best to you. Glad you have a new computer!
So glad to hear from you, but sorry about the sucky situation. Smart to move. I wish your job wasn't crappy, but I am glad you have one and are moving forward. I hope you can be easy on yourself--you did what you could, and she still can leave. What you two escaped is HUGE, and it takes amazing amounts of strength to do it for good. I am proud of you and how far you've come. You will make it and thrive, keep believing in yourself. You are strong. One step at a time, sweetie.
ReplyDelete****
And Mr. Razing? You haven't won. Ruth broke free; she's not coming back. Raechel broke free once, and that means she needed to. Even if you manage to break her will again, always remember that WHAT YOU DID DIDN'T WORK. You failed. Your way of life and worshipping the Lord through mind control is a failure. He doesn't deserve that. He could force us to worship him, but he doesn't. Only a false god forces someone to worship. Ahem.
Ruth I am sorry to hear this about your sister. As others have said, it is hard to walk away from abuse when it's all you have ever known. Don't beat yourself up for Rachel's actions. It was not your job to save her or protect her from abuse, the abuse is not you or your sister's fault, it is your parent's fault. Be glad that you tried hard for her and that you have protected Ellie. (I hope that all the adoptive legal proceedings are finished.)
ReplyDeleteAnd Rachel has to be hurting and grieving a lot from what happened with Ellie, I wonder if she thought her life would be easier if she went back. It's not something easy to know.
Hi Ruth,
ReplyDeleteMy first thought while reading this was, "Let her go". If she is ever to have a prayer of becoming a functional, non-dependent adult, she has to be free to make her own decisions, for better or worse. She needs to experience success and failure. She may need to be reminded firsthand why she left to begin with.
I think the best thing you can do for her is exactly what you've been doing - be a support when she needs it/wants it. You could end up being one of few people in her life that isn't trying to push an agenda on her and with whom she feels free to think. In any case, remember that you are not her parent and you aren't responsible for her per se. She may not have your strength and endurance, or things may just have to get bad enough for her that she's ready for a change - again.
I know that this has got to be rough on you because of the time and emotional investment you've put into her. I think you've done what you can, perhaps over and above the call of duty.
Blessings,
Jim K.
Making a huge life change, even for the better, is scary. I left my abusive marriage 3 times before it took. Each time I got a chance to see what it was like to be free so when I returned, I had a basis for comparison. May it be so for your sister. Someday the constriction may overpower the fear of making her own way in life.
ReplyDeleteI agree with those who have said that you can simply be the one person without an agenda for her, a safe person to turn to. I suspect she will. It is a relief that Ellie is in a good place. And having made a decision like that, I seriously doubt your sister will be happy with your family.
I hope in time you find a job that is a better fit for you. I'm so sorry you had to move.
While I'm sure you are brokenhearted, do not think that it was something horrible you did. When it came time for real life decisions, Rachel went to YOU. And you helped her tremendously.
ReplyDeleteMaybe right now she's on the downhill and wants to go back to her comfort zone. She's been through a lot in the past year and she's younger than you. It might take a few more tries before she works up the strength to break it all off.
I'm sorry about your job right now. I know how tough that is to be forced to work something that you hate. :( It will pass eventually!
Hang in there, Ruth. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. She is probably very confused, hurting and afraid. Really, she should be in counseling, trying to resolve the feelings. But it seems like she is yearning for the comfort of familiarity and to be with people who will (unfortunately) confirm her feelings of guilt -- and twist the Bible to justify their words. It is a tangled web, sadly, but as others have stated, you can be the person in her life who has no agenda. And, some day, I really believe, you will also be the person who serves as a goal and example for her of someone who is living life successfully on her own terms. You will get there.
ReplyDeleteI also think, in a fateful way she was meant to come to you at the time she did because Ellie was meant to be free of patriarchy. And that is an accomplishment in itself, I am grateful for it. For those concerned about Ellie's placement, I can tell you that I was raised by a gay man and he was the absolute healthiest, most supportive, honest person in my life. Ellie will be fine, YOU, Ruth, will be fine, and someday I hope your sister is able to find a peace that suits her, as well, whatever lifestyle it may be, as long as it is healthy and affords her heart peace.
Oh, Ruth. What can I say that hasn't already been said. You're getting some good advice there. DO NOT think that you were a bad room mate OR a bad sister. You were the best sister. When Rachel needed someone more than she may ever need someone again she came to you. She borrowed from you the strength that she did not have to do the right thing for her child.
ReplyDeleteThat leaves you a little depleted and put you in a bad situation. . . but once again, you have risen to the occasion. You are quite the capable woman and I only hope that I would be as strong.
For Rachel, I know how hard it is to leave the familiar. May the next time stick. May you find the peace that you are seeking for and know that there is nothing that you could do that would make your Heavenly Father love you any less. He's not the God that you've been led to believe He is.
I'm so sorry to hear that, it's so difficult when you want something for somebody so hard and they just don't seem to want it for themselves. It's hard to accept, but she made her own decision. I'm very thankful that at least she had Ellie and gave her up before she went back, at least that child will grow up in a good environment. Will you have contact with her at all? Will Rachel? Maybe she will be able to break free again, once she sees what she's come back to, as I certainly don't think she will quite be welcomed with open arms. As someone else mentioned, she's "damanged goods", she will never live that down in that family. I only hope that it isn't what she expected, what she went back to, and that she will leave again, for good.
ReplyDeleteKnow that there are people here that support you, Ruth, don't ever give up or let anything get you down. You deserve so much from this life.
Some people aren't strong enough to fight the current. They find it easier to allow the current to sweep them up and carry them. Your sister is probably an emotional mess. Biologically, there is alot going on with your hormones after childbirth and it can take a while for it all to subside. For many women, that alone is overwhelming and too much for them to handle. Your sister has a lifetime of social programming compounded by probably deep seated guilt and grief over her actions. Your sister was raised with clear expectations about the course of her life. She probably has voices in her head telling her how she has screwed up her whole life and deserves to suffer and beg forgiveness for her mistakes. She probably thought she was going to have the white picket fence, husband, and kiddies in a nice, neat QF bow.
ReplyDeleteThat dream is destroyed, and there probably was never a plan B.
Life is hard and usually falls short of expectations and dreams. It takes determination to carve a life out and that is not easy. Your sister has probably surrendered a fallen life with your parents because it removes the burden of choice from her shoulders. Its probably easier to wear the scarlet A on her chest and have all her needs cared for than struggle for a hopefully better life sometime in the future.
You were a good sister and aunt. You did everything you could to make sure your sister had a soft place to land and her daughter was given the best start in life. Ultimately, she has to live her own life and you have to life yours. I find one of the hardest things to do is allow people who love to work through their own drama and not be sucked into it. You want to help them, but at the end of the day, its their life.
Sigh.
ReplyDeleteHealth can be hard work and when we are ill, sometimes we get better, then we get worse and then become well again.
Time is a healer. Sometimes, time is all it takes.
I want to know if the adoption is final. If it isn't, I fear Darth Daddy (or the sleezy baby daddy's family) will make a custody bid. I would hate for yet another innocent child to be raised with that awful excuse for a grandfather. (Yes, Darth Daddy, I had you in mind when I wrote that.)
ReplyDeleteThe adoption is final now. Ellie will never be subject to my father.
DeleteSadly you can only lead your life--not your sisters. She's been thru incredible trauma and may not be stable enough to cope with even more--such as trying to live independently. Go on with your life and I at least will keep praying your sister gets strong enough to lead an independent life on her own terms. I'm proud of you for helping her and for not giving up on yourself or on her.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear from you! Sorry to hear your sister went back but like so many others have stated her situation is similar to an abusive relationship and those are hard to break free of. Stay strong and focused. You must be nearing the end of school, maybe? Hope that's going well. Good for you for moving too. Sucky jobs are ind of par for the course. Once you have your degree more option should open up. Hang in there! Kris
ReplyDeleteSo. I found your blog and read ALL of it in the last 12-13 hours or so. I have found it incredibly inspiring, and felt a little like a voyeur not writing ANYTHING! Someday, when my budget isn't so tight that I have to keep saving to eat and just afford basic textbooks with my rent and electricity, I will donate to you. I think that from now on, I will try to keep up with your blog, should you choose to continue it. If I make it through these next four years and my residency after, you'll have free medical advice from me, and free care if we end up close enough--assuming you ever want it. ;) Guess only time will tell! It's a big "IF," to be sure!!
ReplyDeleteBut let me say this: Congratulations! You have done an incredibly painful and difficult thin, and really done something amazing. You're struggling...but so are so many, and you've been doing SO well, despite all of your challenges. You really seem to have a kind of respect and balance that I wish many other people had--and you had so many challenges to face, yet still managed to become this person who is so incredibly intelligent and fair-minded. You really, truly amaze me.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister going back, especially because of the pain it's causing you. But none of this is your fault. And I felt the need to say...it wasn't selfish of you to leave in the first place, either. I read you saying that in one of your entries. You were protecting yourself, yes. But it was the only way to protect yourself. There's a difference between being selfish and taking care of your own basic needs--being responsible for yourself. It was hard; I know I will never be able to fully understand or appreciate how hard. But you made the right choice, and I hope that someday "Rachel" will be able to leave for good. Just think--she's left twice, now, longer each time (and this time, long enough to make sure that "Ellie" is able to escape the trauma of the life and childhood you two had!) You have given her so much, and she has seen so much, that she will be so much more prepared, if she can keep trying and leave again.
But she WILL have to make that choice on her own. You have done everything right, and nothing wrong. Sometimes it's not your choice, or your fault. Sometimes there is really nothing you can do but be supportive and encouraging and let others live their lives.
I wish you the best for yours. I wish every good thing to you, and less pain, less struggle. I wish you peace--peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace of life. Hang in there. <3 You are incredible.