Monday, September 24, 2012
Is this the end?
Hello readers,
Several years ago, I started this blog as part of my therapy. Running away from the QF/ATI lifestyle was a huge hurdle and the support you all gave to me through your emails and comments was invaluable. Then, when my sister needed help, you guys were there. In some ways, I feel like I owe all of you a huge debt of gratitude and more. You were there when I ended a relationship with a wonderful guy and most of you didn't judge me. Most of you gave me the strength to realize that life would go on - and it has. Through the ups and downs with my sister, you were there to help me see that my reactions were normal. In summation, this blog community was a life saver.
I have, however, found that I post less-and-less as time goes by. Partly this is because I don't see myeslf as "that girl who left ATI" anymore. When I think about blogging here, I feel like it has to somehow apply to that experience of leaving ATI. The people who said I only blog when there's something bad are right. The problem is, everything that feels relevant to the blog involves my family and I've come to accept that my family brings nothing but drama. You can see the catch-22 I am in. If I update this blog and keep it on topic it will look like I'm just posting drama. I don't want to be that girl. However, I feel like I owe some closing answers to questions that were posted after my last two posts, so I want to do that.
1. Why did Rachel go back? - I really don't know the whole truth of it. She told me many times that life "out here" wasn't what she expected. I think her expectations were out of touch with reality but I really can't blame her for that. Immediately following my departure from that lifestyle, I had unrealistic views and expectations. I also believe in my deepest heart that she only left to insure that her daughter wouldn't stay in that lifestyle and be judged for being born out of wedlock. I think my sister felt like there was no place for her as a single mom in that circle and she's probably right. She would've been seen as damaged goods. Not that she still won't carry that burden, but - from what I hear- she has already been betrothed to a man whose wife left and took his kids along with her. She accepted, I think, because she doesn't think she can do any better. It's horribly sad but what other life is available to her if she wants to stay in that lifestyle. Since her return, I hear she's recommitted herself to QF. My only fear is that she'll reap the consequences of giving up Ellie and suffer religious abuse for it.
2. How is Ellie? - Ellie is wonderful. She's growing so fast. I saw her last weekend. Her family had a picnic and they invited me. She has such a strong personality and when I look at her, I wonder if that's what Rachel would've been like if we weren't born into the family we were born into. Ellie is happy and that's the happy ending to this story. It's not about me or my sister. It's about that cute little girl.
3. What are you doing, Ruth? - Working, working, working. Still living in the trailer but it's mine now. I bought it from the people I was renting it from. My dad would be proud (hahaha) to know I paid in cash. I'm working on buying a reliable car now. No, I'm not in library services. It turns out that my degree is pretty useless without a masters and budget issues within the state mean that libraries are downsizing, not hiring. I'm working two jobs- waitressing and retail. But it's a start, right? I'm not dating anyone. There's not enough time. I still struggle financially but what young person doesn't? Whenever I feel down on my situation, I think of Rachel and feel better.
I feel like this blog has run into it's natural end. I still want to work toward the goal of shining a light on QF/ATI. And maybe that's where this blog will go- posting articles or stories that shine that light on Gothard and the QF realities? But, I think my story has reached it's end unless anyone has a question I haven't answered yet.
If you're someone leaving or thinking about leaving ATI and you're reading here, I want to say that YOU CAN DO THIS. It will be hard but there are people out there to help you. Open your heart to the world and trust your instincts. - Ruth
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Good for you, Ruth....you are more than your past. Maybe at this point in your life, letting go of this blog will help you keep moving forward. Thanks for sharing your story though....what you've already posted online will be here and can keep helping people, even if you don't keep sharing more. Take care of yourself!!!
ReplyDeleteYour blog has opened my eyes to the abuse that happens within so called Christian families in the QF movement and ATI. My husband grew up IFB and if it had not been for his enlisting in the Air Force, he may have been caught up much more in it than not.
ReplyDeleteHowever, even though what you have written has given me insight into a past you have left behind, it's also given me insight into you, and at the risk of sounding like a seriously weird creeper, I have grown to like you very much and am interested in your life...for as much as that can happen on a blog. It's a one way kind of deal, I realize....which is why it can elevate into a creeper kind of deal where there is no exchange in interests, but for what it's worth, you could write about things without the craziness of your family involved, and I would still be interested.
Thank you Ruth, for sharing yourself, for putting yourself out there in a very vulnerable and real way. I'm glad it's helped you and that you have grown past this.
Please do drop by on occasion and give us updates though. You feel like a friend and I AM interested in how things go for you.
(((hugs))) Good luck. Know that many of us are in your corner. If you ever get Montana way, in the Great Falls area, and need a place to rest your weary head...let me know. mtwildflower36@yahoo.com
My heart breaks for your sister, as I worry that she is ending up in an abusive relationship, but you are strong and I know that your life will keep getting better. You have my email. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you are ever in the Seattle area. Actually, contact me anyway. I'd like to put you in touch with a friend in LA who might be a useful career resource for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Ruth, it takes great courage to do what you've done. I do hope you'll post articles and such, maybe even commentating on them? I would love to read your takes on them. :) I'm kind of sad that I didn't jump in and start commenting until recently, but I'm still glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well in your life, Ruth, may it be a happy, fulfilling one.
~ Rue
Ruth, I've loved hearing your story, but I don't think it is over. It may slow down, but your recovery and your blossoming are still happening. Like the above posters said, I care about you and am interested in your life, if you care to share it. I am so sorry your sister reverted, but I believe that isn't necessarily the end of her road, either. So glad your niece is happy and well cared for. Please, don't let a change of pace necessitate the end. We'd miss you.
ReplyDeleteOn your sister....sigh. It didn't occur to her that a woman who up and left with his kids was a huge red flag? Or that if he loves his ex-wife that she may be hindering him from breaking free and going after her and his children to reconcile.
ReplyDeleteI know...not for you to make yourself crazy over. If nothing else, she got a taste of freedom while with you...and as she grows older and hopefully solidifies herself in herself, then she has something to draw from. Many people don't get that.
Good luck to you in what ever you do. Thank you for telling your story.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it needs to be the end of the blog completely. Why can't it just be the end of the ATIA part? Couldn't you tell about the good, the bad, the funny of your jobs (not so much that you reveal details that reveal who you are)? Maybe someday you'll upgrade to an apartment, and we'll want to hear about that. Maybe someday you will get a library job after all, or at least something in a bookstore, something book related online, who knows? Maybe you'll get involved in church (NOT an ATIA type one) that you enjoy and we'll want to hear about it..maybe you'll meet another guy....you get the gist. I check your blog every day for new posts, and I would hate for it to end.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you, Ruth. Move on, live your life, GO!
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand the need and desire to move on. You could take the blog in a new direction, but there's something to be said for just letting it go, too. Whatever you decide is best, really. You have my email if you'd like to keep in touch; and if not, that's fine, too.
ReplyDeleteRuth, you don't know me from Eve, but I'd like you to have a copy of the paper I wrote last year -- your blog was an example of women who do get away and heal. You are proof that the chains of patriarchy can rust and fall away. I wish you all the best and am so glad you've found healing.
ReplyDeleteI had a feeling when I saw you pop up on my RSS feed that this is what I'd find. As always, Ruth, you have to do what's best for you. But seriously, whether it's here or somewhere else, YOU NEED TO WRITE. You have a real talent that I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to appreciate it, and I hope SO SO MUCH that I have that chance again someday. I'm leaving you on my RSS feed, so when you get that book or article published (and believe me, the one advantage to your work situation is it's SO much easier to write when you aren't bringing your work home, and you need an escape/distraction/reason not to run out of the restaurant screaming), let us know here, okay?
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, lady. It's been a privilege sharing your life. :-)
Well it is a really good thing when people outgrow "therapy" Right on, you are a strong girl and will do well in life. I am glad to hear you are working and have a little place all your own. WEll DONE.
ReplyDeleteI hope that maybe you will update us even if its just ONCE a year, as a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year this is my yearly re-cap thing!
ReplyDeleteThe world is your oyster, its not easy but you can do it and make a pearl out of anything life throws at you! Lots of love.
My blog started out as my way of working through the grief of my husband's death in 2001 (20 months into the marriage). It then blossomed into a travel log, a political discussion--whatever was on my mind. Now, as I'm getting remarried, it's the story of new beginnings. Even though my blog started out as a widow's journey, and that story has effectively ended, I still keep it around so that I have a place to write when the mood hits me.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm saying is, you dont have to give up blogging because one particular aspect of your life as ended. Life is a continuing monologue. You're a great writer and you should just keep going. When you have time. We all would love to hear what you're up to...
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ReplyDeletePlease don't stop your blog- it may be the tool that gets someone out of ATI or keeps them from ever becoming involved. I am very glad that you feel that you are moving past your past. That's awesome.
ReplyDeleteFor Rachel, I truly hope that she finds happiness and love with her new husband. Certainly, having a wife who has left him is not much of an endorsement, but maybe as they have both seen the pain that ATI has brought to their lives they will be able to strengthen each other and find their way out together.
You could bring this blog to a close and start a new one, where you write about whatever you want to write about in this new phase of your life. And you could continue to post ATI/QF related articles here if you want to. That way you could keep this blog on the subject of ATI/QF, but you could be free to write whatever you felt like writing on the new blog. It would be a shame for you to stop writing altogether.
ReplyDeleteI will miss you and your blog Ruth, but I respect your decision to stop blogging. I hope that whatever path you choose it will be one that brings you happiness (as cheesy as that sounds).
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I hope to see you around the FJ boards, but I will understand if I don't.
Good Luck!
Kali
Ruth I love your blog and will miss finding updates on your life and your thoughts if you decide to stop posting. You are genuine and real. Your life awaits - so many wonderful and glorious things await. I want to beg you, please don't go! I want to see where you are led, see how your story unfolds, cheer you on! I care deeply for you, sweet gal. Follow your heart. Always.
ReplyDeleteRuth, you have to do what you have to do. I'd love to hear about your mobile home and how you've made it yours. Get the MLS and there are jobs to be found. I have good vibes on that. Don't give up on a dream because right now there are slim pickings. There are good things out there.
ReplyDeleteIf you're ever down SoCal way and want a beer by the beach, email me.
Hi Ruth, I've been here since your first post. I agree with others up thread that you NEED to write. You have a natural talent for it. I would be happy to read whatever you decide to write about. Best of luck to you always.
ReplyDeleteI have a question, if you feel so inclined to answer. How did the "outside world" measure up to your expectations? What were some of the hardest/most difficult/strangest things to adapt to? Things that surprised you about the "outside"?
ReplyDeleteI've never commented on your blog before but I've read it for the past few years. You're a great writer and I do hope you update now and again.I can understand letting it go though. Good luck!
ReplyDelete"So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you."-Perks of Being a Wallflower
Ruth, I hope that you can (and choose to) continue blogging, whether it's about getting away from the ATI or books or movies or just life. You have a gift for writing, and writing skills stay strong the more you use them.
ReplyDeleteIf you decide to continue blogging (especially if you move), would you let us know? I'll miss reading about your life, and will keep hoping for the best.
Take care, Ruth.
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ReplyDeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading for a while and while I'm sorry to see you leave, it's because you're moving forward in a healthy and happy way.
I sincerely wish you'd consider writing a memoir though. This perspective on the ATI lifestyle has been an eye-opener. This is a story people would want to read and learn about it. Please think about it.
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your story for a while. Know that you are a strong capable woman. To go from where you were to where you are now is a major accomplishment and you should be proud. You should also remember it when challenges arise in the future. You did this, you can do anything.
I'm sorry to see you go, but am glad you're making decisions about what is healthy for you.
You have a cheering section and I wish you all the best as you continue to live the life you want, not the life your family or church dictate to you.
Ruth, you're awesome and like other I'd keep reading whatever you wrote about your life. Good luck! If you're aiming at the public library world, get cash handling and customer service experience and experience working with children/programming, not the MLIS. The jobs are really not there for the degree anymore. Oh, and feel free to email me if you want to talk about cracking the library world.
ReplyDeleteWishing you only the best and hoping that you will find peace and happiness. I think of you as a very courageous role model, and have no doubt you will be successful at whatever endevor you choose. Stay true to your values and instincts. They've done you well in the past and will see you through the future. My God bless you and keep you.
ReplyDeleteKerry speaks the truth. My best friend just got a job as a librarian and she doesn't even have a bachelor's degree, just lots of experience with customer service and teaching kids, and she'd worked at a library for a short time in high school.
ReplyDeleteIf you continue writing here (even just once a year) you don't have to write about QF... your readers are interested in you as a person and we want to hear how things are going with your success story :)
Hi Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog several days ago and I've been reading ever since. Your story is incredibly inspiring and I just wanted to thank you for sharing it. I really admire your courage, tremendously, and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to first leave that lifestyle and then tackle all of these enormous obstacles that life has thrown at you. I was raised worlds apart from the QF/ATI lifestyle and my only exposure to it has been through TLC and the like, but I've gotten into many debates with friends (who are just as atheist as myself) about it - my position was always that it effectively amounts to child abuse and that the parents are denying their children proper lives and opportunities, while theirs was usually that I should just live and let live and that the children involved "look happy" and "choose their paths" within that lifestyle, even if those choices are limited by the lifestyle itself. I want to thank you for putting your story out there primarily so that myself and others can learn more about what it actually entails, and so that I can share it with my friends as well. You're a really strong person, and you seem to have handled all of these difficulties you've faced with incredible grace. Huge kudos to you.
The last thing I wanted to mention was that some time ago, you wrote about the challenges you faced with learning critical thinking skills, "thanks" to your homeschooling past. I think this blog demonstrates how incredibly well you've managed bridge whatever gaps you feel you had in that respect. Your writing style is also very engaging, and you're very eloquent. You should really consider writing as a career or hobby.
I would love to read more, as would others, judging by the comments above, but do whatever you feel is best for you, of course. I wish you all the best.
Alex
Ruth, I'm sorry to see this blog go, but I'm glad you've reached a place of some closure. I hope you continue writing in some format, whether it's here or at a new blog or in a book. If you do so, pleas let us know here.
ReplyDeleteWhat seems to be the missing piece in your story, from my perspective as a reader, is how you got from first leaving QF to attending university. I don't know if that's something you want to write about, but it's something that I suspect would be really useful to people wanting to leave--an example of what the process of acclimatizing to the real world can look like.
Oh, Ruth, thanks for sharing part of your life with us for a little while. As someone raised in the fundamental Christian movement, it was inspiring and comforting in a way I can't explain, to hear the story of someone else's journey out of that lifestyle. You are a brave, articulate woman and I hope life brings you many beautiful experiences.
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