Sunday, December 23, 2012

And so this is Christmas...

Hello my friends (and enemies), Life has been really, really rough lately. I didn't get to go to Disneyland with Ellie, which, admittedly, is a third world problem and I've no right to whine about things of that nature. But, I'm also still homeless and still barely making it meet. Times like these, I can really sympathizize with QF wives/Daughters. What to do you when you weren't raised to make major life decisions or manage money (or even have an idea about economies and budgets)? How do you ever progress to an adulthood. I paid my bills and had a place to live- what I didn't have was a resettling pot or a planB. I can't live like this anymore. I've been sick again lately and this time it's definitely from my mental state and from exhaustion. My day starts at 4am. I get up, get dressed, and go to work the breakfast shift. Stay there until noon rush ends. I eat leftovers from the kitchen. Makes me want to tell people- HATE YOUR FOOD, SEND IT BACK! That way I can has their cheeseburger. About 2pm, I show up for job two. Cleaning rooms in a motel. It is far below my degree, but you do what you have to. When I"m not working, I'm writing. When I'm not writing, I see Ellie. I don't do anything for myself. That's why when my dad opened up his can of Christmas ass-hat, I found myself very angry. I hate him. He wrote a note to me, enclosed in a gift, saying, "I've heard you are in need of financial guidance.....wait for it...I have enclosed some seminars..." Firts gift from dad in years and it's more emotional baggage. So, here's my letter to Santa: Dear Santa, I've never written you because my fundamental parents decided you were too worldy for them. They would've let arenic in your cookies so it's probably better you hadn't gone by our home in any case. I think this many years of not writing allows me this one, adult wish list...right? Santa, I want my fathr to snap out of the hallucination he's been in for many moons. I'm talking Chris Angle stuff, Santa. I need him to see and accept the world as what it is. I need my mother out of poverty. I realize that these are usually requests for God- but I'm covering my bases. I selfishly want ease and freedom. I want to be able to take Ellie to a store and buy something off the wrack. I want to give her a present. I want to quit one of my jobs and write my book. I want to get out there and meet new people. Basically, I want to live life. I'm doing my part to work and earn enough to live that life...but, it's hard. I need a mystery, piano coaching laundry woman to pop into my house. Do what you can do, Santa. Love, Mary

18 comments:

  1. Can you apply for food stamps or welfare? There has to be some help out there for you.
    As far as your father, fuck him. He's trying to mind fuck you and you are better than that. "scuse the cursing, I'm in a pissed off mood too.
    At least you get to see the baby....btw, is your sister married yet?
    Hugs and peace and a much better new year for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry, poverty really sucks. Have you looked into government assistance? It sounds like you might qualify for food stamps, and maybe subsidized housing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sorry, poverty really sucks. Have you looked into government assistance? It sounds like you might qualify for food stamps, and maybe subsidized housing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're homeless? What happened to your trailer? Take care Ruth. I know that you cannot eat words or promises, and you have had so many hard years, but be thankful that its just YOU going through this. You are not trapped in an abusive marriage, wondering how to feed your little ones, exhausted from back to back pregnancies. ((((HUGS)))))

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can tell you're really upset. I've never seen a mispelled word or typo in your posts before. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Please, Ruth, it's OK to ask for help. That's why it's there and that's why I am thrilled to pay my taxes--for deserving people who need a little help. I don't blame you for being angry with your sperm donor--I would be fuming. You deserve so much more. Don't give up. I know you can do this. I'll be thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are an encouragement. I hope someday I can break the cycle in my life and get on with it and be free and do what I want

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am SO sorry Darth Daddy kicked you when you were down, but then he's exceptionally good at that...

    Seconding what Natalie said, is the trailer gone?

    You WILL get through this. There IS help available, and it's there exactly for times like this. And whatever you do, DON'T STOP THE WRITING. Not only is it a perfect outlet for you, I am 100% certain it's going to take you places one day. You're an amazing teller of stories, and an exceptionally strong woman.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ruth/Mary

    Please accept all the loving vibes this Happy Atheist can send you. I love you in a loving my fellow humans kind of way. Please don't be afraid to ask for help, seek support, or apply for services. There is no shame in asking for help... I pay taxes to help people like you. There's no shame in asking for people's support, either.

    You can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to, and we're all rooting for you. If you ever make it to the East Coast, you have friends in Pennsylvania.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So... is "Mary" your first name or your second name. You have said both those things now and I am confused?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Mary,

    I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. Where are you staying (not specifically, but with friends, a shelter, or what?)? I nth what everyone said about getting whatever help you can. And please do keep up with that book! I hope things improve for you soon.

    ReplyDelete
  12. (((hugs))
    I'm worried about you, Ruth! After all you have conquered already, you seem so discouraged. Are you ok? (I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Disney. That would have been so much fun!)
    Apparently I missed something, because you say you are still homeless, but I didn't know you were homeless in the first place! I thought you owned a trailer. At one point after your sister went back, you moved, but how did you get from there to homeless? I also wonder whether you have any contact with your friends and acquaintances from school? What about the young man you were seeing some time ago, do you ever talk with him or his family? I know you have people in real life, and lots of people here who care about you. How can people who are able help you right now? What can people do? For starters, I am praying that light and love and hope find you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Ruth,
    I'm so sorry that things have been incredibly rough for you. Is there any way that you can look for a different job? I know plenty of companies hire someone because they have a college degree (it doesn't even matter what their degree is in). I started in customer service a long time ago, and while it wasn't a great job, I was off of my feet and the pay was above minimum wage. I help people with resumes on the side, and would love to help you with yours. If you like, you can e-mail it to me without any of your name/address information and I would be happy to take a look. I wish I could do more. Please remember that we're all cheering you on.
    Drea

    ReplyDelete
  14. *hugs* I've read your entire blog and am a follower, but this is my first time to comment. I wish I could help you somehow, yet this is the Internet, so all I can say is that I know you'll get through this. The working two jobs wears one down quickly, I know firsthand, as that was me during my last 2 years of college. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through it, but I did, and things did get better, just gotta keep going. You have lots of friends here online, and though that might not seem like much, it's at least a support network :) *hugs again* I hope 2013 will bring you better times!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm sorry that things are rough right now, Ruth. I wish I could help in some way, but I'm just barely scraping by myself.

    Please consider seeking help from the state. It doesn't make you a lazy or bad person. You've been working hard for a long time.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I feel your pain, I really do, I've been in your position before with my living situation and dealing with "issues" LOL. I know anything I say is just going to be a repeat, and it may not sound sincere, but I want you to still know that you are not alone and that people do care about you.

    If you ever need to, feel free to e-mail me.

    ~ Rue

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.