A member of my family found my blog and raised some questions in comments about a part of my life that is very painful. I want this to be honest and sometimes the truth hurts but it might help me to "let this go" by writing it all down. Please don't judge me.
Father, I know "In Spiritual Communion" is you. Or it could be Joseph. I am airing this here because I have been in pain. I started seeing a therapist who told me that writing down what happened in my life could help me work through who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I'm sorry that you can't understand how much it means for me to answer these questions. Before you start in on me, I tried "giving it to God" and earnest prayer. That didn't work for me and this course of therapy and writing seems to be working. It doesn't have to work for you. This isn't about you anymore. I wish it was the case that our happiness was more important to you than your reputation within the movement. As far as that goes, why would anyone in the movement be reading my blog? It's not faith promoting or ATI approved so stop being a hypocrite!
You left your family, Ruth Mary, as sure as you left your Lord and Savior by not following His WORD. You cut your hair and dress immodestly. You disobey your parents in direct opposition to the WORD.
I didn't leave my family. I still talk to and visit my family. I still pray for you and wish for your health and happiness. You left me. Maybe not physically, but when I started having doubts about the way you raised me being the best way for me and when I was so unhappy, you turned your back on me. Do you know how much that hurt me for you to act that way? Your approval was all I wanted and you yanked it out from under me and for what reason? I just wanted to do something more than what mom was doing because she was so unhappy. I know you don't believe that but she was and I have never been more sure of anything in my life but that mom was struggling to hold it together for you. How I dress doesn't change who I am. That's an excuse to make you feel better I think. The Bible doesn't say we're supposed to dress one way over another. That's your reading of a passage that most people read differently. It's about control more than you think it is.
Why have not you shared about your relationship with these adoring fans of yours? You are impure in thought and I can imagine in your actions.
I don't have fans. I don't even have that many friends thanks to the way I was raised. You taught me to distrust the world for eighteen years. Did you ever think about how that would make me relate to the world outside your cocoon?
I was sixteen when you promised me to him. You didn't ask me if I liked him or even wanted to think about getting betrothed. You announced it in bible study like it was the next day's menu. How could giving your daughter to a man she didn't know be such a lazy event for you and mom? Why didn't you care what I wanted? What choice did I have but to go along with it while I lived under your roof because the consequences were severe and I knew it. You have said I should not have accepted the offer but you did the accepting not me. I wasn't asked. You go and have camps where you tell fathers to protect their daughters' hearts but you don't teach them to know their daughters' hearts. Why do you lie to the people you teach? I heard you tell fathers to respect the right of the daughter to choose who she will accept as a marriage proposal but that's not what you did for me or the girls. Samuel was engaged three times dad. Was that God's plan?
You didn't ask me why I ran from home the night after he gave me the ring. He threatened me, father, did you know that? He told me God told him I was his property dad. Then he shoved me away when I told him that that wasn't a word I wanted my husband to be to use. He pushed me on the ground and said I had better get use to being sweet or else. I didn't want to know what or else was. That's why I ran. I'm not ashamed of what I did. I want to be happy and you know what? That's not sinful. I don't think God created me to suffer and that's what I would have been in constant suffering with him.