Good for you! Just relax and don't expect too much. You're friends for now, so go thinking of yourselves as friends. Believe me, it makes it much easier to be on a date not thinking it's a date. I also say this as someone married to a guy I was friends with for quite a while before we started to date.
Ahhhh. I like Harris. He seems like a considerate young man. The comments above are correct, just have and don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to marry anyone right now, so take your time and graze at the boy buffet!!!!
We had a nice evening. We had a quick dinner and then - we went bowling. I'd never done that before and I didn't do too badly. I got a 112, an 89, and a 120.
I liked this date. We kept it very simple and "friendly". Over bowling, I told him more about my life and he told me about his and it turns out that we've both had some bad experiences. He said he liked me and I admitted I liked him and we're just going to see where this goes.
Now the real question is whether or not I'll self-sabotage this or do something to screw it up? I guess I know what the therapy topic will be this week. :o)
Sounds like you had a GREAT evening,Ruth. I'm so happy for you. Just keep it slow and friendly until you are comfortable. This might progress to more than friendship but even if it doesn't, that OK too.
Oh, and you did very well at bowling too.Take care.:-)
Wow -- I'm so happy for you that you're getting to explore this new side of life -- it's thrilling and amazing and complicated and exciting all at the same time :)
Along with all the other great advice in the comments, I just wanted to add that you're NEVER, ever, ever under ANY obligation or debt to any guy (or gal, for that matter) just because he does something thoughtful for you. You don't "owe" anything in return. Never feel pressured into doing something you're not comfortable doing just because someone is "a nice guy" that happened to buy you dinner (or anything else.) Relationships should always entail mutual respect and understanding -- NEVER pressure or coercion.
Keep your head held high, stand your ground firmly, and know that you're supported and loved by all of us. We're rooting for you!
Don't worry about self-sabotage - worrying just makes things more awkward, trust me. Just take things day by day and don't worry about the future. Not every relationship is supposed to last forever - I'm sure this is probably something that would be difficult for you to get past considering your back ground. But it's okay to date just for the experience. You've got a long life ahead of you. I'm not with the first guy I dated - few people are, but the vast majority of people don't regret this. Enjoy being with Harris in the here and now. Let things evolve naturally. Good luck!
Sounds like a fun, relaxing evening. I'm so glad you were able to get out and have a great time.
Don't worry about "sabotaging" anything. Since he knows about your past, he should respect you and any fears or doubts you may have. Just go slow and easy and have fun hanging out with Harris.
Respect--something he needs to do at all times in regards to you. Sounds like he is a really nice guy though.
You have such a great support of women here. I'm so happy for you!
JOB 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
Romans 13:13 Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.
1 Peter 4:3 For the time past of our life may suffice us to have wrought the will of the Gentiles, when we walked in lasciviousness, lusts, excess of wine, revellings, banquetings, and abominable idolatries:
Ruth, you were raised in the light, walk in it. Remember proverbs 7:25. If you care for Harris then do not tempt him. God sees all. Keep pure for the one God has for you.
And of course "Anonymous" has to try to be a buzz kill.
Ruth, I have been reading your stuff since TWOP, and never commented before. Personally I think you are incredibly strong. I don't think you will let these comments hurt you, but when they twinge at you a little, like I know they will, just remember you have not done anything wrong.
It sounds like you had a wonderful time with a good friend. No one knows where these things will go, just enjoy it! Life is so full of these simple joys, enjoy every one of them and don't dwell too much on what the future holds. Just enjoy the now. Have a great day! -- KC
Gosh, Anonymous, she's supposed to find someone who'll let her smack infants around? THAT'S who she's saving herself for? FABULOUS idea. You misogynistic jerk.
Ruth, for what it's worth, your responses and concerns about your date are 100% just like everyone else. We ALL worry we're going to do something to blow it. ;-) I just am SO TICKLED for you that you met someone like Harris. He sounds like a great guy, and you deserve that. :-)
Ruth, considering the way you communicate, I doubt 'self-sabotage' will be a huge problem. Whatever happens, continue to be honest and don't put pressure on yourself. There are things far more important than 'purity' (isn't it odd how narrowly that term is used?)
Oh come on Anon - what do you think was going on? Copious amounts of alcohol and cleavage? Ruth is a GROWN woman, with a good head on her shoulders who is fully capable of making smart decisions without all your crap about not tempting anyone. This isn't ATI and the real world doesn't think like that. If Harris was tempted by anything, my bet would be that it was her warm heart, good conversation and engaging personality that did him in. And THAT's not something you can cover up with a long skirt and turtleneck.
Ruth - it sounds like it was a fun time! And how exciting to do something brand new on your date, even something as mundane as bowling! lol I'm very glad that Harris was a gentleman, although from the little you have told us of him, I wouldn't have expected much else!
ah, he sounds cute. He's man enough to tell you that he likes you, so it sounds like he's NOT a game player. It's sweet that you both admitted that you were interested.
I think you'll be fine as long as you take it slow and just try to grow the friendship. You'll always be fine if you have friendship as a base for a relationship.
Dinner and bowling sounds like a nice public way to hang out. With those sexy bowling shoes, I'm sure the defrauding was kept to a minimum.
Don't worry about the anonymous poster (aka your family). There's nothing wrong with dating. It's a time honored social convention.
Great job bowling, Ruth! Sounds like you had a good evening, and Harris sounds like a winner.
I can attest to how serious and scary dating feels after coming out of a fundie home. Just remember that the first days, weeks, or months of dating don't have to be the perfect, blissful, intoxicated, dream-like state people make them out to be. My first year of dating my now-fiance was profoundly awkward and fraught with fears I didn't know I had. It was also incredibly exciting and full of brand-new experiences - some of which would make Anon's hair stand on end. ;) It was the awkwardness of that experience that taught me to be okay with not everything working according to a plan, and that someone could really care about me and stick around through the awkward, scary times.
No matter where things go with Harris (as others have said, there's no need to consider this your 'one chance' or any such nonsense, as most people date more than one person), enjoy the ride!
Glad you had fun Ruth! Just keep being yourself and everything will shake out the way it is meant too. Just have fun and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. :-)
Also, random question. Are you taking any world/ancient religions classes? They could be interesting for you.
Learning about other religions (seeing both the commonalities and disparities between them and christianity, particularly ancient religions and the old testament), really made me explore my own beliefs. I think they could be interesting for you. I don't know if they fit in to your curriculum or if your school has them, but they might be worth checking out if you can.
"Let us walk HONESTLY, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying."
How honest are you being when you can't even admit who you are? Even if you don't want to use your name, you should at least identify yourself as "Ruth's brother" or "Ruth's dad" or whoever you are.
Anonymous, seriously, you really can kill the mood, can't you. What a bunch of control freaks who use God for their own selfish agenda. Now, that's real style. If you care about Ruth, you would let her use her own God-given brain and free will to make the right choices and decisions. You had your chance and you treated her like a trained animal. Now go back to your ATI/Bill Gothard tapes and leave everyone else alone. Good night.
I'm a Christian mom of Christian kids (all now grown) and I most certainly would approve of my daughter going bowling with a young man.
By the way, apropos of nothing, I knew a Gothardite years ago (worked with him) and he and his wife had 8 kids...ooops, did I say wife? He had an affair on her, they divorced, and yet he was so proud of how much Bible he could quote. Just because you can quote it doesn't mean diddly. Believe me. -connie
Dinner and bowling? That sounds like a lot of fun. Oh, and those bowling scores are really, really good for someone who's never done it before. I've been bowling since I was 5, and I' proud of myself for getting a score above 50 (I'm your age, by the way).
Harris sounds like a really nice guy. If he's man enough to flat out tell you that he likes you, he's a good guy and a keeper. Just don't go into this with any expectations. Take it one day at a time. Look at each date on it's own, and have fun! That's what being this age is all about. And dates are so much fun! :)
I'm so glad you had a good time and that you're doing well *hugs*
Oh, and Anonymous, thank you sooooooo much for the uber buzz-kill. Ruth is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.
Glad you had a good time! Don't worry about feeling awkward or that you will blow it, just focus on enjoying one another. Nice scores too since you haven't bowled!
Anon 8:51am - obviously you don't know Ruth or you'd know she's a woman of great character and your comments are completely silly. The only thing Ruth needs to know is her own heart and she has that down. She's an amazing lady and I for one thinks she sees the light a lot better than people twice her age.
Ruth, if that comment from Anon was from a negative family member of yours, just ignore it - as always, you're an inspiration and you rock!!
All right, I really feel the need to address this 'purity' nonsense. Ruth, you need to be consistent with your own values and personal boundaries, but as a remarried widower (who slept with both my wives before we were married) I can tell you a few things from personal experience.
First, when they tell you that having sex before you are married will forever contaminate or sour your relationship with your spouse, or sabotage your ability to form a loving, committed relationship with another person, they are lying.
Second, when they tell you that marriage will save you from heartbreak when a relationship ends, they are lying.
Most importantly, 'purity' is something that applies to fungible commodities, not people. A woman is not a can of tuna that spoils because the seal was broken.
Dear dear, Ruth, I'm so happy for you! There are many people who mistakenly believe that any relationship between men and women must have its root in sexual desire. However, I know from much experience that this is NOT the case. As you found on your outing with Harris, it is often no more than an opportunity to better get to know another person, with whom you have much in common.
While I am sure that there are many people who fall in love with the spouses that are chosen through conveniently arranged marriages, the process of falling in love with someone of your own choosing is one of the most special times of your life. Only you can know whether this will happen with Harris, but if nothing else, you are well on your way to making a true friend - someone who only has your best interest at heart, with no ulterior motive. As you continue to spread your wings, I know that you will find many more such friendships.
I had the opportunity yesterday to work with teenagers who came from very disturbing backgrounds. One boy confessed to me that he didn't understand any of the conversations that were being held about "family," as he'd never had his own - the concept was foreign to him. I asked him whether there was anybody in his life who he KNEW would love him no matter what - people who would have his back, even under the most difficult, unpleasant circumstances. He thought about it and came up with two people. My response to him? THAT is what family is. And that some people are born into groups who are called families, but who act in ways that are contrary to that definition. For some people, family are the people we meet later, who love us because we speak to their hearts, not because we share common blood.
Trust your heart, Ruth. Listen to your inner voice. You are doing a beautiful job of it so far - strong and sure. You will always be OK as long as you remain clear and true to yourself. Nobody on this earth knows you better than you do yourself.
I wish for you peace, love and joy. Reading your blog, watching your story unfold is a treasure for many of us. You remind us of how precious each individual life is. So many of us take our lives for granted. You help us to remember that beautiful, wonderous events are all around us, to be taken in and savored - even things as simple as dinner and bowling.
Ruth, I'm very happy that you have found a nice young man to be friends with. Let the relationship, whatever it becomes, grow naturally. Take your time, and just be yourself, and all will be well.
Anonymous, you are a self-righteous jerk --- a whited sepulchre. A "quick dinner" and an evening of bowling does not equate to "lasciviousness," "idolatries," or "chambering and wantonness." They are eating pizza or burgers and rolling a ball down a wooden lane in full view of who knows how many people. There's nothing defrauding or wicked about it, except in your own perverted mind.
And I will remind you that "there are six things that the LORD hates, and seven that are an abomination to Him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that are swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he who soweth discord among brothers." (Proverbs 6:16-19).
I don't see anything in there about young women going bowling or having dinner with with young men. I DO see that your wicked imaginations, discord-sowing, and pride are highly displeasing to the LORD. So before you start throwing stones at Ruth, maybe you'd better examine your own heart and life.
Such great advice and kind words. I think you've captured the essence of what I've been trying to say for months. Family is not where you're born but who you choose to be around. Go out and make your own family.
Also, the one point about blanket training is that it teaches children to ignore their instincts (to reach out for a toy, to seek a parent's attention). While I'm sure that every child development expert cringes at blanket training, the worst aspect is that it teaches you to ignore your instincts.
Instincts are one of the single most important survival mechs that you can have. I think you've got great instincts and I hope that you learn to trust them more as you get further into this process.
Ruth, I'm glad you had such a nice time. Try not to doubt yourself so much. That's childhood training rearing it's head telling you if you don't have your parents to tell you how to feel you might feel the wrong thing. Your feelings are all legit, and a guy who is willing to work on friendship first sounds like a guy who is looking for a lot more than a casual dating encounter. At worst, it sounds like you have found a really great friend. At best...well who knows?
I met my husband when I was 20, knew very quickly he was the one (my family thought I was crazy) and we've been together ever since. We were married 5 years later. We didn't do things in the right order--we had sex before marriage, and lived together after just 11months. We've been married for nearly 12 years now. So all that "sex before marriage ends in divorce" is a lie. It's also not true about couple who live together. This is not to tell you to compromise your beliefs or morals, but rather to help you distinguish between YOUR beliefs/morals and YOUR fears d/t your upbrining.
I hadn't dated much before him, but enough to know what I was looking for. He's my best friend, and after 17 years, we are still head over heals in love with each other. My best friend in the world too. It's too bad your mom doesn't have the same thing :-(
I hope you'll be able to find this as well...but in due time. Take your time and enjoy the ride.
That is WONDERFUL! I have a fantastic time!
ReplyDeleteHave fun!
ReplyDeletehttp://susan-chicdaisy.blogspot.com/
Relax and have a great time. Just be yourself and enjoy. It's just dinner.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Just relax and don't expect too much. You're friends for now, so go thinking of yourselves as friends. Believe me, it makes it much easier to be on a date not thinking it's a date. I also say this as someone married to a guy I was friends with for quite a while before we started to date.
ReplyDeleteYay! I'm excited for you. Let us know how it goes!
ReplyDeleteHave fun! Very excited for you.
ReplyDeleteVery exciting - can't wait to hear how great it went lol :)
ReplyDeleteAhhhh. I like Harris. He seems like a considerate young man. The comments above are correct, just have and don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to marry anyone right now, so take your time and graze at the boy buffet!!!!
ReplyDeleteI can tell I spend too much time on facebook - my first impulse was to "like" this. Have fun, and just be yourself:)
ReplyDeleteThat is so wonderful, Ruth. Take the advice from the ladies in the above posts. Just be yourself and enjoy.
ReplyDeleteJean
Wishing you a lovely time, Ruth. You deserve all the very best; may peace and love always be with you. :)
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Donna
Oh! Have fun!!! Lauren H has excellent dating advice--pretending it is not a date takes away the nervousness. :)
ReplyDeleteWe had a nice evening. We had a quick dinner and then - we went bowling. I'd never done that before and I didn't do too badly. I got a 112, an 89, and a 120.
ReplyDeleteI liked this date. We kept it very simple and "friendly". Over bowling, I told him more about my life and he told me about his and it turns out that we've both had some bad experiences. He said he liked me and I admitted I liked him and we're just going to see where this goes.
Now the real question is whether or not I'll self-sabotage this or do something to screw it up? I guess I know what the therapy topic will be this week. :o)
Sounds like you had a GREAT evening,Ruth. I'm so happy for you. Just keep it slow and friendly until you are comfortable. This might progress to more than friendship but even if it doesn't, that OK too.
ReplyDeleteOh, and you did very well at bowling too.Take care.:-)
Jean
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteWow -- I'm so happy for you that you're getting to explore this new side of life -- it's thrilling and amazing and complicated and exciting all at the same time :)
Along with all the other great advice in the comments, I just wanted to add that you're NEVER, ever, ever under ANY obligation or debt to any guy (or gal, for that matter) just because he does something thoughtful for you. You don't "owe" anything in return. Never feel pressured into doing something you're not comfortable doing just because someone is "a nice guy" that happened to buy you dinner (or anything else.) Relationships should always entail mutual respect and understanding -- NEVER pressure or coercion.
Keep your head held high, stand your ground firmly, and know that you're supported and loved by all of us. We're rooting for you!
- SC
Yes, listen to SC. Absolutely right!
ReplyDeleteJean
Have fun!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about self-sabotage - worrying just makes things more awkward, trust me. Just take things day by day and don't worry about the future. Not every relationship is supposed to last forever - I'm sure this is probably something that would be difficult for you to get past considering your back ground. But it's okay to date just for the experience. You've got a long life ahead of you. I'm not with the first guy I dated - few people are, but the vast majority of people don't regret this. Enjoy being with Harris in the here and now. Let things evolve naturally. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun, relaxing evening. I'm so glad you were able to get out and have a great time.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about "sabotaging" anything. Since he knows about your past, he should respect you and any fears or doubts you may have. Just go slow and easy and have fun hanging out with Harris.
Respect--something he needs to do at all times in regards to you. Sounds like he is a really nice guy though.
You have such a great support of women here. I'm so happy for you!
JOB 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
ReplyDeleteRomans 13:13 Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.
1 Peter 4:3 For the time past of our life may suffice us to have wrought the will of the Gentiles, when we walked in lasciviousness, lusts, excess of wine, revellings, banquetings, and abominable idolatries:
Ruth, you were raised in the light, walk in it. Remember proverbs 7:25. If you care for Harris then do not tempt him. God sees all. Keep pure for the one God has for you.
And of course "Anonymous" has to try to be a buzz kill.
ReplyDeleteRuth, I have been reading your stuff since TWOP, and never commented before. Personally I think you are incredibly strong. I don't think you will let these comments hurt you, but when they twinge at you a little, like I know they will, just remember you have not done anything wrong.
It sounds like you had a wonderful time with a good friend. No one knows where these things will go, just enjoy it! Life is so full of these simple joys, enjoy every one of them and don't dwell too much on what the future holds. Just enjoy the now. Have a great day! -- KC
Gosh, Anonymous, she's supposed to find someone who'll let her smack infants around? THAT'S who she's saving herself for? FABULOUS idea. You misogynistic jerk.
ReplyDeleteRuth, for what it's worth, your responses and concerns about your date are 100% just like everyone else. We ALL worry we're going to do something to blow it. ;-) I just am SO TICKLED for you that you met someone like Harris. He sounds like a great guy, and you deserve that. :-)
Ruth, considering the way you communicate, I doubt 'self-sabotage' will be a huge problem. Whatever happens, continue to be honest and don't put pressure on yourself. There are things far more important than 'purity' (isn't it odd how narrowly that term is used?)
ReplyDeleteOh come on Anon - what do you think was going on? Copious amounts of alcohol and cleavage? Ruth is a GROWN woman, with a good head on her shoulders who is fully capable of making smart decisions without all your crap about not tempting anyone. This isn't ATI and the real world doesn't think like that. If Harris was tempted by anything, my bet would be that it was her warm heart, good conversation and engaging personality that did him in. And THAT's not something you can cover up with a long skirt and turtleneck.
ReplyDeleteRuth - it sounds like it was a fun time! And how exciting to do something brand new on your date, even something as mundane as bowling! lol
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad that Harris was a gentleman, although from the little you have told us of him, I wouldn't have expected much else!
ah, he sounds cute. He's man enough to tell you that he likes you, so it sounds like he's NOT a game player. It's sweet that you both admitted that you were interested.
ReplyDeleteI think you'll be fine as long as you take it slow and just try to grow the friendship. You'll always be fine if you have friendship as a base for a relationship.
Dinner and bowling sounds like a nice public way to hang out. With those sexy bowling shoes, I'm sure the defrauding was kept to a minimum.
Don't worry about the anonymous poster (aka your family). There's nothing wrong with dating. It's a time honored social convention.
I'm happy for you!
LOL@Cynthia & "sexy bowling shoes." Defrauding indeed!!
ReplyDeleteRuth, don't allow anonymous to take something that was lovely and turn it into an orgy. You 2 had a great time. :-)
Jean
Great job bowling, Ruth! Sounds like you had a good evening, and Harris sounds like a winner.
ReplyDeleteI can attest to how serious and scary dating feels after coming out of a fundie home. Just remember that the first days, weeks, or months of dating don't have to be the perfect, blissful, intoxicated, dream-like state people make them out to be. My first year of dating my now-fiance was profoundly awkward and fraught with fears I didn't know I had. It was also incredibly exciting and full of brand-new experiences - some of which would make Anon's hair stand on end. ;) It was the awkwardness of that experience that taught me to be okay with not everything working according to a plan, and that someone could really care about me and stick around through the awkward, scary times.
No matter where things go with Harris (as others have said, there's no need to consider this your 'one chance' or any such nonsense, as most people date more than one person), enjoy the ride!
I'm glad you had a good time. :o)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous is silly.
Glad you had fun Ruth! Just keep being yourself and everything will shake out the way it is meant too. Just have fun and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. :-)
ReplyDeleteAlso, random question. Are you taking any world/ancient religions classes? They could be interesting for you.
ReplyDeleteLearning about other religions (seeing both the commonalities and disparities between them and christianity, particularly ancient religions and the old testament), really made me explore my own beliefs. I think they could be interesting for you. I don't know if they fit in to your curriculum or if your school has them, but they might be worth checking out if you can.
I hardly call being locked in a pitch black closet for fourteen hours being raised in the light, Anon.
ReplyDeleteGlad you had a good time, Ruth. :)
-Jenny
Jenny, I love that comment!!!!!
ReplyDelete"Let us walk HONESTLY, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying."
ReplyDeleteHow honest are you being when you can't even admit who you are? Even if you don't want to use your name, you should at least identify yourself as "Ruth's brother" or "Ruth's dad" or whoever you are.
You go girl! Have fun!
ReplyDeleteCongrats. Sounds like you had a wonderful time. He sounds very sweet and I hope this is one of many great dates with someone who cares about you.
ReplyDeleteEverything, from your nervousness/worries to the date night activities, sounds so completely normal. That must feel nice :)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, seriously, you really can kill the mood, can't you. What a bunch of control freaks who use God for their own selfish agenda. Now, that's real style. If you care about Ruth, you would let her use her own God-given brain and free will to make the right choices and decisions. You had your chance and you treated her like a trained animal. Now go back to your ATI/Bill Gothard tapes and leave everyone else alone. Good night.
ReplyDeleteDonna
I'm a Christian mom of Christian kids (all now grown) and I most certainly would approve of my daughter going bowling with a young man.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, apropos of nothing, I knew a Gothardite years ago (worked with him) and he and his wife had 8 kids...ooops, did I say wife? He had an affair on her, they divorced, and yet he was so proud of how much Bible he could quote. Just because you can quote it doesn't mean diddly. Believe me.
-connie
Dinner and bowling? That sounds like a lot of fun. Oh, and those bowling scores are really, really good for someone who's never done it before. I've been bowling since I was 5, and I' proud of myself for getting a score above 50 (I'm your age, by the way).
ReplyDeleteHarris sounds like a really nice guy. If he's man enough to flat out tell you that he likes you, he's a good guy and a keeper. Just don't go into this with any expectations. Take it one day at a time. Look at each date on it's own, and have fun! That's what being this age is all about. And dates are so much fun! :)
I'm so glad you had a good time and that you're doing well *hugs*
Oh, and Anonymous, thank you sooooooo much for the uber buzz-kill. Ruth is a grown woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.
Glad you had a good time! Don't worry about feeling awkward or that you will blow it, just focus on enjoying one another. Nice scores too since you haven't bowled!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you had a good time. Bowling can be quite fun, and those are awesome scores for your first time!
ReplyDeleteDating's a skill, just like learning to drive or swim. Nobody's good at it at first, but it does get easier the more you do it. I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteI think the best part about drive-by Bible-thumping is when they don't even pick relevant quotes :D Anon gets an A in QuoteFAIL.
ReplyDelete- SC
Anon 8:51am - obviously you don't know Ruth or you'd know she's a woman of great character and your comments are completely silly. The only thing Ruth needs to know is her own heart and she has that down. She's an amazing lady and I for one thinks she sees the light a lot better than people twice her age.
ReplyDeleteRuth, if that comment from Anon was from a negative family member of yours, just ignore it - as always, you're an inspiration and you rock!!
Keep pure for the one God has for you.
ReplyDeleteAll right, I really feel the need to address this 'purity' nonsense. Ruth, you need to be consistent with your own values and personal boundaries, but as a remarried widower (who slept with both my wives before we were married) I can tell you a few things from personal experience.
First, when they tell you that having sex before you are married will forever contaminate or sour your relationship with your spouse, or sabotage your ability to form a loving, committed relationship with another person, they are lying.
Second, when they tell you that marriage will save you from heartbreak when a relationship ends, they are lying.
Most importantly, 'purity' is something that applies to fungible commodities, not people. A woman is not a can of tuna that spoils because the seal was broken.
Dear dear, Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you! There are many people who mistakenly believe that any relationship between men and women must have its root in sexual desire. However, I know from much experience that this is NOT the case. As you found on your outing with Harris, it is often no more than an opportunity to better get to know another person, with whom you have much in common.
While I am sure that there are many people who fall in love with the spouses that are chosen through conveniently arranged marriages, the process of falling in love with someone of your own choosing is one of the most special times of your life. Only you can know whether this will happen with Harris, but if nothing else, you are well on your way to making a true friend - someone who only has your best interest at heart, with no ulterior motive. As you continue to spread your wings, I know that you will find many more such friendships.
I had the opportunity yesterday to work with teenagers who came from very disturbing backgrounds. One boy confessed to me that he didn't understand any of the conversations that were being held about "family," as he'd never had his own - the concept was foreign to him. I asked him whether there was anybody in his life who he KNEW would love him no matter what - people who would have his back, even under the most difficult, unpleasant circumstances. He thought about it and came up with two people. My response to him? THAT is what family is. And that some people are born into groups who are called families, but who act in ways that are contrary to that definition. For some people, family are the people we meet later, who love us because we speak to their hearts, not because we share common blood.
Trust your heart, Ruth. Listen to your inner voice. You are doing a beautiful job of it so far - strong and sure. You will always be OK as long as you remain clear and true to yourself. Nobody on this earth knows you better than you do yourself.
I wish for you peace, love and joy. Reading your blog, watching your story unfold is a treasure for many of us. You remind us of how precious each individual life is. So many of us take our lives for granted. You help us to remember that beautiful, wonderous events are all around us, to be taken in and savored - even things as simple as dinner and bowling.
With love,
Lisah
Ruth, I'm very happy that you have found a nice young man to be friends with. Let the relationship, whatever it becomes, grow naturally. Take your time, and just be yourself, and all will be well.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, you are a self-righteous jerk --- a whited sepulchre. A "quick dinner" and an evening of bowling does not equate to "lasciviousness," "idolatries," or "chambering and wantonness." They are eating pizza or burgers and rolling a ball down a wooden lane in full view of who knows how many people. There's nothing defrauding or wicked about it, except in your own perverted mind.
And I will remind you that "there are six things that the LORD hates, and seven that are an abomination to Him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that are swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he who soweth discord among brothers." (Proverbs 6:16-19).
I don't see anything in there about young women going bowling or having dinner with with young men. I DO see that your wicked imaginations, discord-sowing, and pride are highly displeasing to the LORD. So before you start throwing stones at Ruth, maybe you'd better examine your own heart and life.
Lisah-
ReplyDeleteSuch great advice and kind words. I think you've captured the essence of what I've been trying to say for months. Family is not where you're born but who you choose to be around. Go out and make your own family.
Also, the one point about blanket training is that it teaches children to ignore their instincts (to reach out for a toy, to seek a parent's attention). While I'm sure that every child development expert cringes at blanket training, the worst aspect is that it teaches you to ignore your instincts.
Instincts are one of the single most important survival mechs that you can have. I think you've got great instincts and I hope that you learn to trust them more as you get further into this process.
I'm glad you had fun on your date. As many other posers have said, just take it one date at a time. Enjoy yourself!
ReplyDeleteKudos to DaveL's comments.
ReplyDeleteAnd anyone who thinks they enter a marriage with their moral "seal" fully intact is a liar and a fool.
Ruth, I'm glad you had such a nice time. Try not to doubt yourself so much. That's childhood training rearing it's head telling you if you don't have your parents to tell you how to feel you might feel the wrong thing. Your feelings are all legit, and a guy who is willing to work on friendship first sounds like a guy who is looking for a lot more than a casual dating encounter. At worst, it sounds like you have found a really great friend. At best...well who knows?
ReplyDeleteI met my husband when I was 20, knew very quickly he was the one (my family thought I was crazy) and we've been together ever since. We were married 5 years later. We didn't do things in the right order--we had sex before marriage, and lived together after just 11months. We've been married for nearly 12 years now. So all that "sex before marriage ends in divorce" is a lie. It's also not true about couple who live together. This is not to tell you to compromise your beliefs or morals, but rather to help you distinguish between YOUR beliefs/morals and YOUR fears d/t your upbrining.
I hadn't dated much before him, but enough to know what I was looking for. He's my best friend, and after 17 years, we are still head over heals in love with each other. My best friend in the world too. It's too bad your mom doesn't have the same thing :-(
I hope you'll be able to find this as well...but in due time. Take your time and enjoy the ride.
Lots of love,
Sunny