Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

I love my nanny job. I love the family I'm working for. They're everything my imagination craves in a family. Right now, we are on a weekend holiday at the beach for Father's Day and as I watched the boys' father open the small gifts I helped the boys make, I starting to cry a little. This father loves his sons unconditionally. He loved the handmade gifts just as much as the gifts his wife had purchased. This father poured over the details of the bookmark his son made him. He gathered both boys in his arms and praised them out loud. He crumpled their curly hair and kissed their pink cheeks without raising an eye to the rest of the world. When the gifts were done and I offered to take the boys down to the beach, he stopped me and said "It's Father's Day, Ruth! I'll handle it." and grabbed their towels and buckets from me and walked down the stairs to help the boys build castles. It's so idyllic it makes me wonder if I'm not part of a Lifetime movie. This is fatherhood.

To my father- you were not our "dad". You didn't love - you ruled. Unless others were around, you never touched us gently or tucked us in. You didn't build me a sandcastle - you worried about our swimsuits and made us self-conscious at the beach. You were so busy being righteous - you forgot to be our dad. I pray that you realize what you've done and do it differently with Blessing. She deserves a daddy. She already has a ruler and it's not you. Happy Father's Day.

16 comments:

  1. Oh Sweet Ruth, I'm so glad that you have found yourself in a family that loves each other so much! You deserve to be around a family that is loving like this. I pray that this helps bring you healing and restores your soul day by day.

    I pray that your sisters and brothers and mother and father one day experience this kind of love, too.

    E

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  2. What a wonderful father! Those boys are very lucky to have such a loving and caring father. It made me tear up a little, reading that.

    I'm so sorry that you don't get to have those memories about your dad. You aren't alone. My mother was a single mother, so we never really did father's day.

    Keep up with the posts, I truly enjoy sharing your revelations!

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  3. This just goes to show how much I take my wonderful childhood for granted, because to me Father's Day shouldn't be any different. My parent's cherished and loved us. My dad STILL has a paperweight and other small items we made for him for Father's Day on his desk at home from over 35+ years ago! :) Now my own husband loves the little handmade gifts my children have made for him. We don't do big gifts, we make cards and the kids make little gifts in school. We make him breakfast and tell him how much we appreciate all he does for and with us.

    Glad you are experiencing what I would consider a "normal" Father's Day. I'm sad that this is not necessarily the "normal" for everyone.

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  4. What a wonderful testament to strong families. You can't create these feelings from a curriculum just like you don't get "good" kids from following a cult. I'm glad that you are with a good family and hopefully you can get new ideas about how people relate outside of such a controlling environment.

    It's good to hear that you like being a nanny. Are you eating well? I always worry about you having good meals. I hope you have time to read for fun! Hopefully you are taking those kids to the library and stacking up tons of things to read in your free time.

    You deserve a good life, Ruth. And I hope that others will read your story and take heart in what you've discovered.

    Cyn

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  5. Hugs to you Ruth! So glad you are getting to see what a real, kind, and loving dad can be like. I lost my dad when I was young but am lucky enough to have a wonderful role model in my uncle to teach me what being a nice guy is all about. I was able to look to him to know what kind of man I'd like to marry someday and I'm happy to say my husband is as sweet, loving, kind and supportive as he was and is. So glad you are enjoying your nanny job!

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  6. Thrilled Ruth that you were able to the love of an earthly father. May you know and rest in the love of you Heavenly Father.
    You did a great job of speaking the truth in love to your earthly father and then encouraging/exhorting him to pass on true unconditional love your little sister.

    So glad YOU had a great father's day.

    Erin

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  7. Ruth, I am so very thirlled that you have witnessed a normal family life! No, it isn't always like today was but, in a normal family, even under duress, everyone knows that they are loved.

    Take 'notes' and remember this day. Some day, it will be you and yours on the beach having a great Mother/Father├Ęs Day.

    Jean

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  8. Sweet Ruth, I never had that type of father either. So I view this day with indifference. I'm glad you get to see what real parenthood is like. I hope Darth Daddy reads this and chokes on his own bile...

    Ivy26

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  9. Ruth
    I grew up in an abusive home and your liver story was my life. I eventually had people in my life that were loving and they showed me what normal was. I had no clue. This is an example of how wonderful men can be. I am so glad you are where you are at.

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  10. Ruth,

    I pray that you are able to rest in the arms of God, knowing that He loves you. I pray that He will show you the love that your Dad never gave you.

    I'm sorry your dad sucked.

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  11. And your father missed out on the unconditional "that's my DADDY!!!" love that only comes from a child who's ALLOWED to be a child. He will never ever see the kind of look I guarantee those boys you're caring for gave their Daddy as he walked them down to the beach.

    Sorry, but I will never believe that God's going to reward him for that...

    I'm SO glad you're having such a wonderful summer, Ruth. You have more than earned it. :-)

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  12. I hope that living with a loving family brings a lot of healing to your heart, Ruth.

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  13. Dear Ruth, I am so sorry that your dad let Bill Gothard rob him of the joy of just being a "dad". Not only did it rob him of the privilege and joy of being a loving father, but it robbed all of you kids. Because he followed the evil Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars), this is what made him Daddy Darth, which is profoundly sad. He can't take back any of the horrendous things he perpetuated onto you kids. The most horrendous thing of all was withholding his unconditional love unless you kids conformed to and followed HIS rules (which were given by Bill Gothard). This whole Bill Gothard thing is so sickening so on many levels. They have robbed families of their loved ones (literally), they've robbed people of their faith in Christ, they've robbed people of their faith in other people. Basically, they rob people of their life and the freedom to make choices for themselves. I CANNOT believe that people think they need an intermediary like Bill Gothard to tell them how to live. If they truy believe in the bible, don't you think they could read it for themselves and interpret it for themselves instead of having to rely on Bill Gothard's (or other wolves in sheep clothing) interpretations? Oh, Ruth, I am SO sorry.

    The one good thing that is happening now (and I don't think that anything in life is a "coincidence") is that you've been granted an opportunity to see the flip side of the coin, what a LOVING parental relationship should be like/look like. It's not your fault that that wasn't your experience growing up. Many of us either had bad relationships or no relationship (like me) with our fathers. None of this was our fault. We, as children, do not get to pick the situation we grow up under; we take and accept what is given to us or presented to us. Take what you are learning now and put that in your mind and soul while you slowly (with your therapist's help) heal the pain that was inflicted on you while growing up.

    Not only do I feel for all of you kids, but I also feel very sad for your father who was blessed with so many beautiful kids. Instead of loving all of you, he ruled all of you. He was more of a self-imposed dictator/ruler than a dad. But what do you expect when you have people like Bill Gothard and Doug Philips running around? Not only do they do their "snow job" on men, but then you have the wives doing the snow job on the women, telling them that "this" is the way that God intended women to be (submitting, obeying, and all the patriarchal B.S.). Like I said, so many lives destroyed, inhibited, annihilated. There is NO way on earth that this is the work of a loving God. This is the work of prideful, egotistical men who have serious mental issues. I never understood why these types of people had the power to influence thousands. I guess this is a question that will never be answered. All we can do is to keep ourselves far, far away from such influence and to warn others to also keep far, far away.

    Ruth, everything will be okay. I'm very glad that you're in a good situation now. Your brothers and sisters will all come to their own conclusions at some point in their life. that's just how life is.

    Take care of yourself (as always).:)

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  14. Hello :) I'm Jen
    I was in a Holiness church for 1 1/2 years. That's it.
    20 years later and I still carry the scars.
    I went, on my own.. no family.. they all thought I was WEIRD, when I was 17.
    My parents allowed me to quit HS and attend their Bible School to finish my Senior year (great parenting, huh?)
    I left abruptly when I was 19 and never looked back
    but wanted to share how my brain was cooking during that time which might help understand your Dad's, if only a little.

    NOT excusing him!
    I just think he is/has/was been brainwashed.
    NOW there is a part of you that should "click" to reality when life no longer revolves around you. When you have children... there is a natural bond there.
    All that playing house "Little House on the Prairie Style" with your little wifey.. centuring your LIFE around the b.i.b.l.e. blah blah is fine
    until you have your first child. Just looking into their eyes should make all the silly, cult-like thinking totally dissolve.

    I never even had a boyfriend while I was there :D .. I was 30lbs overweight, thought it sinful to spend more than 5 minutes on my appearance (can't create lust now can we??) .. so no wonder :D
    But I did daydream, constantly! about getting married, living in a little quaint country home with a garden and chickens and having lots of sweet little babies. I would teach them all about the Lord.. blah blah

    But then my thinking got really whacked. I became so afraid of Hell and all the hidden meanings in things. How Sin is all around us and in us ... I was always asking for forgiveness and felt guilty if I wasn't listening to ONLY "sold out for Jesus" music...no TV! (did all this while living in my parents home that had a TV blaring, a sister listening to Twisted Sister, a Skateboarding hippie brother... )

    But this is where I think my brain stapped and may be where your dad is...
    I no longer wanted to have any children. I did want to get married (loneliness never went away) .. but I was so sure it was EASY to go to hell and near impossible (unless you are praying without ceasing) to get to heaven. I thought if I had a child the devil would attack them to get at me and couldn't bear the thought of knowing my child would go to hell for eternity.
    This spawned all kinds of WEIRD thinking...

    How I got out of that weird church?
    I was just blatantly exposed to things that made me very uncomfortable and made me question things.
    If these folk were so holy ghost baptized in fire! .. then how come they do this or that...
    Either I was the only "Holy" person on the planet .. or I had to get out of that church.
    I was extremely fearful (afraid demons would attack me when I was alone) ... but in time I saw the fears were unbased.

    I think you are doing the best thing ever for your dad.... this blog and your heart felt honesty.. hold nothing back!!

    In his mind (I hope)
    Here is a "backslider" (YOU) who (according to all his beliefs) in a matter of time will fall into lust and sin and all the horrible things in this world since you have left the cocoon of protection (his home).
    Well.. looksy here, has any of that happened?
    NO
    and on top of it.. you are sound, wise and very articulate and perceptive while maintaining the most pleasant spirit... your "vibe" is so peaceful.

    sorry this is long so i will go.. take care

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  15. one last little piece of advise ..sorry no more posts i promise

    For your now since you are just now branching out into the "real world" dating, ect..

    I was so convinced EVERYONE was bad that, when I left that church, I went the other way.
    I was convinced everyone was GOOD!
    If the wacko church people thought someone was bad..
    and those people were whacked!
    then the opposite must be true!

    I came out of that church trusting everyone and got hurt ALOT!
    My advice is to listen to your gut.
    Plain and simple.
    When you see "red flags" step back.. don't run.. but step back.
    First goal is find out who you are and become best friends with yourself.
    Then, only surround yourself with those that jive with that.. those are the folks that matter

    I say I am giving you "advice" .. I'm definitely NOT one to dole out life lessons!
    This is just what I had wished someone would of said to me.

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  16. Ruth,
    I have four children. One of the unexpected parts of being a parent is that you can begin to set aside part of the pain inflicted upon you during your own childhood by being a better parent. It doesn't heal all, but it helps. I wish for you a kind man. I wish for you the strength to be a gentle mother with unconditional love for your children. And I hope some of the incredible sadness I've read on your blog will heal in time.

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