I need some humor and Cynthia and others had a great idea. Make up your own "want ad", for a male or female, in the IBLP dating scene. :)
For example -
"Wanted- righteous young lady who feareth in the Lord to raise a quiver full of soldiers for God's Army. Must be fluent in Goddard-ese and carry a minimum of six years of DRT education. Purity is a must. Submit five letters of recommendation to Fanofbill@email.com."
Wanted: Woman who has no education, uses "purpose" as a verb, and will always fellowship with anyone I want her to with a smile on her face. Someone who will not question any decision I make and who will pop out children "as the Lord sees fit". A woman who will never cut her hair, and who can make food from cans and transform them in 20,000 calorie meals. Woman who will look at me like I am God whenever I speak, and who will give up her daughters to any man I choose when I tell them it's time to marry. Someone to enjoy a six month engagement with ( I promise to provide lots of hand sex- RE josh and anna duggar) and who will allow me to name our child names such as "Jubilee". Basically, a robot with excessive amounts of permed hair and a creepy smile.
ReplyDeleteTee
Overbearing tyra - er, godly father seeking righteous young man as husband for teenage daughter. Must be strong, confident that he is always right (unless I say he's not), and financially self-sufficient, as I have ensured my daughter has no marketable skills, since those would detract from her purpose as homemaker and baby-factory. Young man must also be part of a god-fearing, patriarchal, legalistic church; home-church preferred, but any church which teaches the man is the supreme ruler and a woman's only value is in how well she obeys her husband is acceptable. Lucrative business connections a plus.
ReplyDeleteSWM seeks SWPRGFMUH* for marriage. Me: raised to believe I am the end-all-be-all ruler of the home. You: raised to believe I am the end-all-be-all ruler of the home. No smokers, please.
ReplyDelete*Single White Pure Righteous Godly Fertile Meek Uneducated Teenaged Helpmeet
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ReplyDeleteHead of household looking for heart of the home. I am a 20 year old homeschool graduate. I am a Godly, righteous, man with great leadership skills. I am the oldest of 14 and help run our families successful home buisness. I am looking for a quiet, submissive, meek, and gentle Godly young maiden to marry and raise a full house of Godly children with. Must have long blonde hair, blue eyes, attractive figure, good cooking and cleaning skills. College graduates need not apply.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFine young man sought for betrothal to darling daughter. Darling daughter only 14 weeks old at present, but already showing fine motor skills necessary for good homemaking, and will never be educated. Older sisters have experienced menarche around aged 11, so darling daughter should become marriageable around 2021.
ReplyDelete~Personals~
ReplyDeleteHEART-OPENER required for non-example daughter. Acceptable countenance, slightly uppity. Fear of the Lord is not enough; only abject terror will do. Contact laughingchicken@billgmail.com if the Lord guides you to do so (he does, btw).
AWESOME HEAD seeks perfect body able to joyfully accept every challenge the LORD and/or I can hurl. Must enjoy incessant childbearing, husband-adoring, guilt-augmenting and mouth-shut-keeping. Please respond in block capitals.
IT PANES ME OVERLY to think that there were no epitomes of womanhood left to respond to my last ad. I'm not a sodomite any more, honest. I will now purpose to consider more general representations of womanhood.
~Births~
IT'S A HELPMEET!
- HUMILITY CLOSET Born Jul. 15th 2010 to Rod and Fecundity Closet, and new sibling to Chastity, Rod Jr, Modesty, Thrift, Availability, Virginity, Malleability, Perseverance, Accountability and little JOY.
~For Sale~
DELUXE PRAYER BUNKER
3x5, includes hand-crocheted Bible cosy, clamps of repentance and three lengths of plumbing line (used). Fits neatly into most refrigerators. Sturdy external padlock. Must go before the police get back.
UMBRELLA OF PROTECTION
Guards the whole family against corruption, ingratitude, selfishness and education. No longer guards against rain due to a mishap in the Hedge of Thorns.
This is a secret ad. I am a 30 year old male still living with my parents. I am not allowed to used the computer but managed to sneak on to send this ad. It is the only time I have gone against my parents wishes, but I am desparate. My stuffed Bill Gothard doll is just not cutting it for me. Repond if you are interested; sneakingforlove@getsome.com
ReplyDeleteGodly Head seeking goodly womb to continue to fill my quiver after my previous helpmeet gave her life to the lord after the birth of our 21st blessing. Do not fret for 20 of my 21 blessings are still in the marital home and my 3 eldest female blessings are eager to provide assistance to their new mother. Purity and youth is a must, I have prayed and God has told me I am to have a quiver of 40. Only those under 22 need apply.
ReplyDeleteWanted: Strong, Godly man purposed to fill his Quiver for God. Must appreciate that my daughter is the fourth in my family and so has not had as thorough a grounding as a trainee helpmeet as her older sisters [who we cannot yet spare for marriage]. Still she is well verse in childcare, cooking and sewing and plays piano and harp beautifully. An added plus is she will soon hold a CDL qualification and can drive a bus when necessary. Young man needs to be photogenic in a polo shirt and khakis and must be willing to be filmed regularly. Apply to www.jimbobd@gothardlife.com
ReplyDeleteReady to get wild and crazy? Formerly sheltered SWF is ready to party and seeking SM for worldly good times. Tattoos, piercings and atheistic tendencies greatly preferred. Please have own transportation and be prepared for unfounded accusations of kidnapping. Email me: jinger@duggarfarce.com
ReplyDeleteSWM ISO: Door mat with available/functioning reproductive organs.
ReplyDeleteBrain and self esteem not needed.
Send all replies to my Father at navy&whiteguy4god@think4me.com
SW formerly sheltered male seeks male partner to love and to cherish. Must enjoy picking wildflowers and be loathe to touch icky power tools. Should be willing to help with my wardrobe and should be able to remove the tensions of too many years of repression. Reply to Joshiah@duggarmail.net
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWanted: Man to marry who will let me study music at a major university or conservatory. Must be able to "talk the talk" to my Daddy. Make sure you are self-employed and have tax returns to back up your income statements. Willing to birth unlimited children AFTER I have my degree and get to do an internship with a symphony. Can cook, sew, midwife [for self if necessary], garden, frame a house, second layer roofing, compost and train up children in addition to my very marketable music ablility. Don't piss off Daddy--be sincere! Don't care what you look like as long as you meet all of the above. I've never seen myself out of the burkhas my sister sews so can't tell you if I have a decent figure, but a boy a Church once said "hubba-hubba" if that helps. Reply to ErinBates45@ruralpubliclibrary.org.
ReplyDeleteWidow seeks second chance at marriage! Have real estate license and CDL--can drive a bus full of kids if necessary. Skilled at flipping houses. Only men with water-tight investment portfolios and upper 6-figure retirement income need apply. I can even be your nurse and manage your purse. Apply to JimBobsMom@duggardaze.net
ReplyDeleteBiblical patriarch seeks young man (preferably a nephew) willing to work 7 years for my lovely younger daughter. Must not comment on human-shaped burlap-wrapped entity that will make an occasional appearance. Must not question my family's traditional wedding attire of opaque fabric from head to toe. Contact laban@canaan.com
ReplyDeleteStrong plow needed for fertile field
ReplyDelete_____________________________________
Wanted: Strong mancub of Jesus for our most precious flower (other sisters available as well, act now, their petals may wilt soon). Virtue has the voice of an angel, the temperament of a preschool teacher, and the uterine walls of a mythical she-beast. Has had a few spurts of independent thinking, which were cured by threats of public school, Satan's music and withholding of flip flops in December. Sweet Virtue's skills include stretching one bag of tatertots and one can of hot dog chili into a pleasing feast for one, me. Other skills include nurturing parentless kids (her siblings) and turning ugly bolts of fabric into matching clown clothes for entire family. Only godly men who've not given their love and attention to other flowers need apply. Please submit a letter of application from any past flowers explaining why their affections were shared and from her father explaining why said love ended (her fault, I know, but still...) Act now and we'll throw in another sister AND a deep freeze for all the frozen bulk food your meager paycheck can afford.
Pure, unspoiled, and desperate young lady seeks man to get her the hell out of here. I can cook, sew, garden, do small household repairs, take care of a ton of children, and keep sweet while doing it. You should have a steady job, a deep suspicion of conservative Christians, and no need to impress my parents. Skip the reply and just meet me by the bathroom window at midnight. Bring ladder, flashlight, and clothes that don't make me look like Laura Ingalls.
ReplyDeletemy parents were desoerate to keep us home, i got married and now they talk about how if i divorce i should come home, they beg my sister not to marry and no one is good enough for her and they have given my other sister such high expectations of a guy its crazy...so i will make a want ad for my sister lol
ReplyDeleteWanted Preacher Charming, Must love kids and cats, and my grandmother, as i plan on taking care of her until she dies, she has dementia and diabetes and a load of other problems...i have worked as a vet tech for a year but otherwise i have no job experience and did not complete high school, my sisters say i have sever depression and seperation anxiety and dyslexia but i am sure these things are just punichments from god for not being a better person, i have a drivers license but heaven forbid i ever drive
did i mention i have four cats? i love cats.
Preacher charming must live up to all of my parents expectations and talk in detail to my pastor about me, becouse my parents believe the pastor to be almost god
i believe everything my parents say, and if i happen to be allowed to marry you i will believe everything you say...even if you say the sky is green and the grass is blue
SWXATIF ISO someone to take me out of here. 30 years old, still a virgin, but my time clock is a ticking. Looking for someone who is content with a small quiver. Please give me my purpose in life by marrying me so we can make babies. I promise not to be too much trouble and if I am, my father is always willing to offer a helping, heavy hand.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are willing to take anyone at this point! Please call direct ASAP!
Wanted: Female with functioning uterus. Any age.
ReplyDelete~Births~
ReplyDeleteTWOFER!
Identical twins Rhetoric Roger and Sermon Stanley Wilt were delivered of Mrs. Major Membrane Wilt on July 16th, 2010. Mrs. Wilt was attended by Miss Winnow Wilt, spinster sister of Mr. Wilt. Rhetoric and Sermon joyfully join older siblings Tract, Hymnal, Goblet, Obedience, Bugle, Remorse, Calling, and Major Arm (ages 1 to 8 1/2).
A God honoring manly man looking for a godly young woman, who has been a helpmeet in her father’s home for courtship/betrothal. Since the betrothal is irrevocable (no divorce allowed you know) only the fathers of serious minded applicants need respond. Emotional purity is a must. Applicants who have been defrauded by being involved in any unauthorized romance (including crushes or wishful thinking) will not be considered. If you have 12 brothers and sisters and love wearing ankle length denim skirts with socks and tennis shoes (no running shoes please because Godly young women should not be athletic), and long frizzy hair then you just might be the kind of girl who would qualify. If you are of the quiverfull mindset who wants a young man who has been trained in the manly arts and has started building his own home at age 10 and if you meet the other criteria mentioned above then please appeal to your father to respond at neverbeenkissed@romance.com (as in Biblical romance authorized by parents and Doug Phillips). You will be sent a 200 question betrothal application and then will be notified if you have been selected for Biblical betrothal. Keep in mind that the betrothal is binding and irreversible. After the betrothal ceremony where your virginity will be proudly announced to the entire church, then we will be authorized to get to know each other in the presence of your entire family as well as mine. Our parents might give us permission to be alone for 15 minutes per week so we can discuss some personal issues such as how many children do you think you can have over the next 30 years or so. Our first kiss at the actual wedding will be boldly showcased on Vision Forum where our commitment to purity (yours, not mine) during the betrothal process will be the envy of all the world.
ReplyDelete~Engagements~
ReplyDeleteMUCHLY PURPOSED
Mr. Rhetoric Roger Wilt to Miss Humility Spiel Closet on July 16th, 2010. Proud patriarch Mr. Rod Closet is convinced that they'll be absolutely JOYful about the betrothal after they've learnt to talk. Ceremony and reception will be held at Forty-Ninth Church of the Holy Basement, Ark.
~New Businesses~
WILT & CLOSET PRAYER BUNKERS
Run out of space for properly disciplining your blessings? Wilt & Closet Prayer Bunkers' ingenious stacking design allows you to make the most of those unused two pints of air in your crawlspace. Waste is a sin.
Betrothal announcement:
ReplyDeleteMr. and Mrs. Holier Than Thou and Mr. and Mrs. Twist the Scripture have announced that their children, Homeschool Hannah and Virtuous Dan are to be betrothed. They were coming dangerously close to becoming acquainted and so it was decided the betrothal ceremony should take place sooner than was originally planned.
The bride elect is a 2010 graduate of her parents' homeschool where she has, in addition to her own studies, been responsible for the tutoring of her younger siblings. She has been a joyful servant to her mother as well as a helpmeet to her Godly father, helping to further his vision.
Mr. Twist the Scripture is a 1998 graduate of the Pagan Secular Humanist School of the Arts. Mr. and Mrs. TtS did not come to have a vision for homeschooling until the year after Dan graduated. Mr. TtS realized that he had been in sin by not leading his family and homeschooling them and so he repented and has since been on a remarkable journey. He had a reversal and so he and Mrs. TtS have since had 9 children. Now Mr. TtS leads his family and has an appropriate generational vision. Dan was able to win Homeschool Hannah's parents over with his vision for family in spite of the fact that he went to Godless government schools. He is employed with a "Vision for Patriarchal Take Over." He is currently involved in lobbying for the outlawing of all forms of birth control and abortion. He says that all birth control has lead to Christians' acceptance of abortion. He's opposed to all forms of abortion even in cases of incest and to save the life of the mother. According to Mr. TtS abortion to save the life of the mother is never an option and in our day and age is never necessary.
The Betrothal ceremony will be at the Family First Church of the Patriarchs this Saturday from 9:00 a.m. until midnight. The wedding plans will be announced at a later date.
After the wedding the couple will reside at the groom's family compound where Hannah can continue her service as a dutiful daughter by joyfully helping her mother-in-law and helping to raise up an army for and with her husband.
Wanted: A young man who is successful at a career, without having pursued an education. Must have strong convictions on inane topics, but be ready to change them should they not line up. Leadership skills a must, but leadership must be within the pre-determined direction. Must be able to develop an intimate relationship with an inexperienced girl without using such worldy things as warmth, good humor, emotional closeness, tenderness, or physical affection.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who, whilst laughing my head off, is also getting a serious case of the unpleasant chills???
ReplyDeleteRuth, this is SO much fun... but it's also seriously scary... We luv ya, kiddo!!!
~Betrothal~
ReplyDeleteMiss Winnow Wilt (sister of Mr. Major Membrane Wilt), age 26, to Mr. Cheddar Stewart Glum, age 64. Mr. Glum, widowed three times with 21 children remaining at home, says he's looking forward to a vigorous marriage, many more children, and an immaculate home. "With firm and proper discipline, all things are possible", he emphasized. Miss Wilt quietly stated that she has thanked the Lord for all of his blessings and that she purposes to diligently serve Cheddar for the remainder of her days.
Let's praise the Lord!
This is so funny...and sad...It's like the back pages of Quivering Monthly.
ReplyDeleteThank ya'll for the pick me up
too funny :D
ReplyDeleteWanted: If you are reading this it is because I am looking for YOU. I prayed God would lead my Help Mate to feel led to read these words. YOU are reading these words. Now that formalities are out of the way, I will begin my requirements. Because I will be your Patriarchal Authority figure from here on out (yes even before we meet, while we court, and when the Lord leads ME to marry you) I am trusting you have given up all control of your womb, marital relations, any fleeting thought of any other males over the age of 5, and basically everything else. I am very happy to make your acquaintance. Please leave your phone number and the full name of your Father. You have made me a very happy man, Lord's Willing.
Charles Anthony Pickard
Wanted: A man godly man interested in getting to know our daughter towards marriage. It doesnt matter if you like her or not, we are sure she will grow on ya! What? you have never heard of courtship before? That's okay we will lead you on how it all goes. What? you aren't sure about it? That's okay, keep coming around. When you two are married, you can live in our upstairs and have lots of children for grandma to play with. What was that? You dont like are daughter? You never liked our daughter in that way?....Well you low life *%#$%$##$%^... (True story...the guy wasn't even interested in me and my parents push him on me and he just went along with it till i called it off! They would have rather me marry someone that they could control then for me to be happy.) Got love Gothard's teaching! We'll get 'em married or else!!
ReplyDeleteDere Mr. Prickard,
ReplyDeleteMy daddy red me yore note and sed the Lord hath spokun and yore the wun. Im good girl that hath been tuched by no man. Ill follow warever you lead and no burdun to you. Was homeskooled till age of 8 then two busy with chors, yunger buddys and the prayer closet. I luve babies. Sweet countenince but its of no temtation to any man, this is what daddy says it meens Im not fare of face but who cares cuz Ill make babies, watever you want. I am 20 years old. I luve you.
Daddy sed he knows ware you live, he sed to tell you he will be by necks Friday, youd better be redy. His name is Wally.
By for now!
Miss Jelatin Angle Jones
I love these ads, but I'm not sure I know the subculture well enough to write one myself. That won't stop me from trying, so...
ReplyDeleteWarrior for GOD seeks scabbard for his righteous broadsword to become a quiver producing arrows for Jesus!
Please to meet your acquaintance, Miss Jelatin Angle Jones
ReplyDeleteThe contents of your letter has intrigued me. Your intellect seems right on schedule. You will never need to write again so count it a blessing the Lord has brought us together.
Your name has also intrigued me. The Almighty has given me a vision of my betrothed as being quite portly.
From here on out you're name will be Jello. I am looking forward to seeing you wiggle in all the wrong places. There will be no chance of you purposely filling another man's heart with evil lust that will send him straight to hell.
I have two requirements for my wife. She must either be so round as to mask her feminine (evil) curves amongst her girth or to be without any body fat at all. Either or is fine with me.
I must control myself here as I can feel the temptation of the demons below filling me with pre-marital lust.
I shall change the topic.
My dearest Jello, you can begin emptying your mind from this moment forward.
The Lord has rewarded you with an empty mind with the burden of thinking lying on my shoulders alone.
I will lead, guide, and order you from here on out. Isn't the Creator wonderful!
I look forward to meeting your father, Wally.
Charles Anthony Prick-ard honored to be betrothed to the portly Jello Angel
(you will no longer have a last name until the blessed event has occurred)
You slay me.
ReplyDeleteMuchly.
-Jenny
Looking for:
ReplyDelete-A Godly young lady who's ankle has not seen sunlight since age 2 at the latest
-Who was a team leader in EXCEL and Advanced EXCEL
-Who has been a senior staff member (preferably focusing in hospitality and kitchen to prepare for the 25 children she will have) at a training center (although NOT at the Character Inn, as there have been questionable activities reported there)
-Who has never secretly lusted after an ALERT or Construction Team member
-Who is a soprano with excellent sight reading skills (to match my perfectly pitched God-given baritone)
-Who is gifted with the ability to glorify God by the use of a piano or other suitable musical instrument for accompanying the choir we shall form with our offspring
-Who has assisted as a teacher in at least 10 CIs or has ministered in the Character First! program for at least one full school semester to give her the necessary experience she will need to teach the 300 cumulative school years across all grade levels for our 25 arrows
References from the Bell family as well as the Director of whichever Training Center she served at will be required, references from Mr. Gothard preferred but not strictly necessary.