I wanted to make a separate post from the "Notes from Dad" post.
I've read every comment regarding my broken engagement and I want to send out a "Thank You" to everyone who wrote in. Your words of wisdom were much needed and your perspective was appreciated. I purposefully withheld from writing/blogging/communicating with you all for a few weeks because I didn't know if I could handle re-living the break-up everyday. As it is/was, it didn't matter - not reliving it and analyzing it is impossible.
The truth is that I don't know where to go from here. Despite firmly believing in my head that my life's happiness isn't wrapped up in a man, my heart still clings to that childhood belief. When you grow up hearing, and continue to hear (through family), that you can't be a full woman without a husband and a family, not having either (especially at my age) makes me feel like I've failed.
My dad's right in certain respects. My life hasn't been a resounding endorsement of living life the way I do. Let's face truth- I am an adult who really can't support myself financially. Despite trying as hard as I have, my goal of getting a college degree is taking longer than most and I'm in a constant state of financial struggle. It's discouraging. More honesty- when I thought I would be getting married to Harris, I dared to imagine a certain amount of security that now seems like it will never happen. It's easy for me to see why people return to, or can't leave, a quiverful home. There's no safety net.
It does feel like God is punishing me. I hate to say that because, for the last few years, I've tried to stay open to the idea of God being a loving entity. Now I just don't know anymore. That's not to say my personal decisions haven't been responsible for a majorty of my life challenges, but I just wonder when that whole "God will never give you more than you can handle" becomes nothing more than a bumper sticker? I am at the end of my rope. If God exists, then why is this life I'm running towards more difficult than just capitulating?
2012 is here and it's hard to see a positive. Before anyone asks, the answer is "Yes! I am back with my therapist." I'm not suicidal...I'm just tired. I'm taking medication for depression- another double-edged-sword. Medications are expensive and they were forbidden in my childhood. They were seen as a sign of weakness. Every horrible forecast of despair that I'd been told would happen if I abandoned the ATI/QF plan has come to pass. My only consolation is that I also see non-ATI/QF/Christian people who seem very happy, unbroken, and unmedicated, too! Maybe there is hope. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. Ha! Maybe I haven't found that life for me, yet?
Thank you, my readers, for helping me see past this break-up. Thank you for being there to listen. I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.