Hello! I've been playing with the layout on the blog (hence the frequent changing).
Well, I have to start focusing on school here soon, so I may not get to post as much. I think we've seen the last of my father for a while (although, I can't guarantee it). He went pretty bezerk over e-mail today and I blocked his e-mail address. Before you ask, "yes!" I did get to talk to my mother, first.
I did something I haven't ever really done while talking to her. I asked her if all of this was worth it? It's something I've been wanting to ask her for a very long time. I don't want to betray her trust by sharing her answer here- but, I do want to say I'm afraid for her and I think she's a little too far gone to leave. Having the last baby, my sister, "Blessing", essentially trapped her. And, truthfully, she still loves my dad very much. I'm glad she has that love. I just wish she knew how much she's given up to stand by him. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you! I wish you could understand that I didn't leave you. It wasn't YOU (to use dad's cap system) that I was running from. I was running from what dad had planned for me. As you said on the phone, I disappointed you- but, you disappointed me, too! You wouldn't or couldn't see how terrified I was by what you claim was "the plan God had for me". How could it be his plan? How could something that I didn't feel in my heart be God's plan for me? Isn't that what you told us girls growing up? That God would speak to us and that you and dad would be there to protect us from someone with wrong intentions? What happened to that, mom? I told you, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want to marry him: that I wasn't ready for that life. You asked me if it was just because I didn't like him and the answer is that I truly don't know. If you were asking if I would've stayed in our faith had I been attracted to that guy, then I can only answer "I don't know." To this day, I don't know what I want and part of that *is* your fault, mom! You didn't raise me to make my own decisions and know that I'm making them, I'm constantly questioning myself because despite dad's claim that I'm some over-confident, stubborn brat, I'm really just a young woman who doesn't have the self-esteem to make a choice! And, when I do make choices, I question them over-and-over again.
Mom, what legacy do you want to give us girls? Do you really want us to have free will and live as God commands? Or, are we supposed to do what you did and keep sweet?
I just want you to know I love you. If you're reading this, I will always love you.
To everyone else,
I'm sorry this became a letter to my mom. Our conversation was cut short today and I think this will be the only way I can communicate with her.