Saturday, January 7, 2012

Playing with the layout.

Hello! I've been playing with the layout on the blog (hence the frequent changing).

Well, I have to start focusing on school here soon, so I may not get to post as much. I think we've seen the last of my father for a while (although, I can't guarantee it). He went pretty bezerk over e-mail today and I blocked his e-mail address. Before you ask, "yes!" I did get to talk to my mother, first.

I did something I haven't ever really done while talking to her. I asked her if all of this was worth it? It's something I've been wanting to ask her for a very long time. I don't want to betray her trust by sharing her answer here- but, I do want to say I'm afraid for her and I think she's a little too far gone to leave. Having the last baby, my sister, "Blessing", essentially trapped her. And, truthfully, she still loves my dad very much. I'm glad she has that love. I just wish she knew how much she's given up to stand by him. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you! I wish you could understand that I didn't leave you. It wasn't YOU (to use dad's cap system) that I was running from. I was running from what dad had planned for me. As you said on the phone, I disappointed you- but, you disappointed me, too! You wouldn't or couldn't see how terrified I was by what you claim was "the plan God had for me". How could it be his plan? How could something that I didn't feel in my heart be God's plan for me? Isn't that what you told us girls growing up? That God would speak to us and that you and dad would be there to protect us from someone with wrong intentions? What happened to that, mom? I told you, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want to marry him: that I wasn't ready for that life. You asked me if it was just because I didn't like him and the answer is that I truly don't know. If you were asking if I would've stayed in our faith had I been attracted to that guy, then I can only answer "I don't know." To this day, I don't know what I want and part of that *is* your fault, mom! You didn't raise me to make my own decisions and know that I'm making them, I'm constantly questioning myself because despite dad's claim that I'm some over-confident, stubborn brat, I'm really just a young woman who doesn't have the self-esteem to make a choice! And, when I do make choices, I question them over-and-over again.
Mom, what legacy do you want to give us girls? Do you really want us to have free will and live as God commands? Or, are we supposed to do what you did and keep sweet?
I just want you to know I love you. If you're reading this, I will always love you.

To everyone else,
I'm sorry this became a letter to my mom. Our conversation was cut short today and I think this will be the only way I can communicate with her.


  1. I also want to thank everyone who has left a tip in the tip jar. I used some of it to buy some nice coffee and groceries for this term. THANK YOU!

  2. I noticed you have a PayPal "donate" button, but I couldn't find any description or explanation about it. I clicked on it, and all it says is "Razing Ruth Pal." Is that it? You just want people to give you money?

  3. Sorry, didn't mean to post anonymously before, or without saying this:
    I think you should put some "About" information or explain your situation and your blog somewhere near where you have the PayPal link.

  4. Reading the blog is sufficient, Jenny. Those of us who have been around for awhile know the story. Feel free to review the blog to get a clue or two.

  5. And it's a very common practice to have a "donate" button on an established blog. I don't have one on my own blog, but by most people's standards I'm comfortably well off - especially in the current economy. So I make a point of occasionally donating to blogs that I find particularly enjoyable, informative, and/or worthwhile, especially in cases where their authors find every little bit of extra income helpful.

    That said, a brief introductory/explanatory note might help to... set the tone, I guess, and maybe avoid some confusion. "Support the under-employed college student," or something like that.

  6. I am really sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope she can truly see in her heart what has happened and what this is doing to you.

    I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say, try not to question yourself too much! You are doing everything right and have been more than generous and compromising with regard to your situation.

    Wishing you all the best xoxo

  7. I'm thirding this: I find it somewhat offensive that some a person who keeps complaining, seeking attention, wanting people to donate money to her does not even bother to say Hi in her profile, and come up with a few sentences about herself. I have not seen any blogs, sad or happy where people did not bother introducing themselves to the audience. And yes, this is the first blog I'm coming across which isn't about cancer or disaster stricken families and an adult has a paypal link.
    You don't even bother to raise the fingers at us BUT you do attach a PayPal link? Wow!

    BTW. Your comment: thx for the donations, I used it to buy some coffee comes off as a 'thanks for the pennies you have thrown at me, it wasn't much so dig deeper in your pocket the next time. The 'tip' and the 'tip jar' didn't help much either.

    I WONDER if all you say is true. I WONDER.

  8. BTW, I would very much like to take you to a women's crisis center to meet women who really DID have a messed up life. Who were never given chances that you claimed to have blown. If you just spent there 2 weeks listening to their problems, you'd be ashamed of yourself.
    I don't know how long you want to continue this charade but it doesn't look like you'd want to change in any ways. I'm still not over the 'tip jar' comment of yours. Maybe you'd like to rephrase your comment and say: I'm grateful for your donations, thank you very much.

  9. Oh, look, Ruth! You have an anonymous troll!!! You've arrived! ;-D (You are now free to ignore said troll.)

    It's your blog, and as such, you can write letters to your mother or Congress in it, if you choose. Never apologize to us for what you decide to post.

    And as for the donate button, it's just fine. Given that the "major" bloggers (dooce, MightyGirl, etc.) all have ads on their sites (and that's not a complaint; more power to them!), as far as I'm concerned you're just doing the same thing minus annoying pop-ups and videos that slow my computer down. Nothing wrong with that.

    I hope very much your semester goes well. Having school to concentrate your energies is probably the best thing for you right now. I'm also glad you got to speak with your Mom, and I hope it's given you at least a little peace of mind. Speaking AS a Mom, I want to say again: you are an incredibly strong young woman with a future full of amazing possibilities. Never forget that.

    Keep in touch with us when you can. :-)

  10. I'm a hundred times a person than you are, you ugly hag. Don't go around calling people troll if your ugly fat ass is all over the internet and you make yourself incredibly easy to hunt down. And no, it's not your kid's fault that you are fat and ugly. It's the damn food you had chowed down. And it was YOU eating it. Be careful, pig.

  11. Ruth, dearest, stay strong.

  12. All the very best for the new school term, Ruth. I hope those friends of yours give you the support and good times you need right now. Take good care of yourself.

  13. Ruth, this must be a very difficult time for you. Your dad seems to instinctively know that applying fear, obligation and guilt(FOG) in heavy doses during a time that you are emotionally vulnerable is a strong strategy to "win". Your father is a character disordered person. One of their biggest issues is that they feel lost unless they are in control. Stay strong. You are outside of his domain. He can only bloviate at you. He has no real power.
    Breakups are hard and painful. At this juncture, it may be tempting to think that the ATI party line about not giving away "pieces of your heart" may have some truth. The real truth is that healing from this will help you to understand your heart better. You have not given away anything. You have received many gifts from this relationship. You have learned about all different kinds of people. You have gained an understanding of family dynamics in a more natural environment. You have learned the joy and pain of falling in love.
    Take some time for yourself. You will heal. In the meantime, you have the support of this reader.

  14. Another one saying, ignore the ridiculous troll.
    apple1 from FJ

  15. Oh, yes, Ruth, you have arrived when a mean-spirited troll has decided to visit. Don't listen to him/her. Some people have nothing better to do than cowardly hide behind an anonymous tag and criticize people's blogs or start fights with moments. These people are cowards who would never have the audacity to actually confront you if they passed you on the street. Sitting behind a computer screen flinging insults is he bravest they'll ever get. Check out all the ignorant comments that get posted to even news articles online. His is what happens in he age where everyone has the ability to give their own opinions where the whole world can watch and there are no editors to weed them out. (There is good and bad with this system... The good being it gives voice to people like you whose story needs telling.)

    For he record, anon, I reject he whole "other people have it worse than you so stop whining argument." You can't compare one person's pain to another's. Just because there are starving people on the planet living in war zones, doesn't mean a widow has no right to cry about her husband's death. Or Ruth can't talk about her life in a repressive society that she broke out of. One pain is not more worthy of feeling than another's.

  16. One more person here saying to ignore the poo-flinging monkey-troll.

    I'm glad you got to talk to your mom. You're a good daughter, Ruth, and a good person, despite what your father says. Sure, in making your own way you will make mistakes, but you will learn from them, make fewer of them, and come to trust yourself more. It takes time and practice.

    Good luck (not that you need luck, since you work hard) in your new semester.

  17. I'd wonder if the troll was Darth Daddy, frothing at the mouth at being cut off, if Darth Daddy weren't so stupid. Not that the troll isn't a complete moron. I just don't think DD is smart enough to change his writing style.

    - Daree

  18. MM, I get what you are saying, but anyone with half a brain would read the blog before shooting from the hip.

    Such a person would know that Ruth took down the PP link once before, because of her concerns about courtesy and image.

    Such a person would know that WE requested that Ruth restore the PP so we could assist her in her in her time of need.

    That such a person is too lazy to do a little research, and is also ignorant of the purpose of Tip Jars...tells me that this person is a troll who deserves a pile-on.

  19. Daree, I agree it probably wasn't Darth Daddy, but he does have friends and supporters, as does the boy that Ruth's family tried to force her to marry. I wouldn't be at all surprised if these posts are a reaction to Ruth blocking her father's email address. I think that would be doubly infuriating to him, her being able to protect herself from him, but more importantly, her recognizing him as someone to be protected from, and not her protector as he imagines himself to be.

  20. "BTW. Your comment: thx for the donations, I used it to buy some coffee comes off as a 'thanks for the pennies you have thrown at me, it wasn't much so dig deeper in your pocket the next time. The 'tip' and the 'tip jar' didn't help much either."

    Yah Asshole...because none of us have ever been struggling students who were not deeply appreciative of the few extra pennies that allowed us to buy coffee. Stupid much?

    Read the blog, Asshole.

  21. Oh and Asshole...your trolling has just inspired me to dig a little deeper. Keep up the good work!

  22. "BTW, I would very much like to take you to a women's crisis center to meet women who really DID have a messed up life. Who were never given chances that you claimed to have blown. If you just spent there 2 weeks listening to their problems, you'd be ashamed of yourself."

    Um...just what "chances" has Ruth blown?

  23. Yeah, anonymous troll cemented his status when he cyberstalked another commenter and talked trash about her weight, which has nothing to do with the topic at hand. (Ofc, I have to bring up ad hominem attacks again, I just think it's a lame way to try and win an argument.)

    A simple "I think the donation button is tacky." would've sufficed. If you don't want to donate, don't donate. (Personally I don't let Paypal touch my money, and I don't think you should either, Ruth. But, that's a different matter.)

    Obviously this asshole has never been victim to a cult/coercive religious group. And from reading Ruth's stories on NLQ, I have to say she easily could've ended up in a shelter having been physically abused (beyond what she was) if she had allowed herself to be forced into the marriage her parents had set up for her.

    It shows amazing strength of character that you were able to walk away from that at such a young age, when you had been indoctrinated since your birth to do just the opposite.

    People would say the same to me: Does the abuse I faced count because my husband didn't hit me in the face? Because he only hit me a few times? Because he didn't manage to rape me when he tried? Of course it counts, and the trauma I dealt with was real. Only an asshole would think it wasn't (like this troll.)

    And IF your parents did offer you opportunities they came with strings. Make your own opportunities!

  24. I am starting to wonder about something. Not about Ruth or her tip jar or her story. No. After so many years, with no slip-ups, I'm convinced she's legit. I'm thinking about the trolls who show up here whenever they notice that Ruth might be getting support. Are they upset because she's getting something they're not. Jenny, is it because she's a better storyteller than you? Or, is it because you screwed up your own family, "Jenny", and couldn't get enough people to care about funding your website?

    Ruth, ignore the squawks for the trolls and put your shit back on comment moderation. That way, if they want to criticize you, they have to take ownership of their bullshit. I'll register an e-mail to register a future opinion.

  25. Ruth --

    We can ALL second guess our decisions ad nauseum because usually there is more than One Perfect Option.

    But all our second-guessing won't change the past. And it uses up time and energy we need to live life. I think there are even Bible verses about that (lilies in the field and such), but I digress.

    My husband, the sweetest and wisest man I know, told me he doesn't have regrets because he realized he makes the best decision he can with the knowledge he has at the time. If it turns out to be the "wrong" decision, he has just gained new knowledge to make a different decision in the future.

    I don't know if that helps in your situation, but as a perfectionist, that was such a freeing concept for me.

    I agree with everyone else about the troll -- just continuing the abuse cycle of the family / group / cult. Not even worth engaging.

  26. I'm glad you got to talk to your Mom. I'm wishing you the best of luck this semester. Don't let the trolls bring you down.

  27. Ruth, it's past time for you to admit something to yourself. I know how hard it is, because I come from a background very similar to yours, and it was brutally difficult for me to admit this same truth to myself. But it really did set me free, and it will set you free, too.

    Your mother does not love you. She wants to -- she really does WANT to -- but she doesn't. She's just too weak.

    Take that, roll it around in your mind, think it through, feel the pain, and accept that it's part of your story. When you really understand that, the next step is to convince yourself it's not your fault. It isn't. It is not your fault. It simply is what it is. When you understand it and accept it, you'll be free.

    Your mother knows how to contact you. If she wants to, she will. Allowing her or your sperm donor to live in your head without paying rent is only harming you.

    I wish you the peace that comes from living in reality.

  28. Bernice, I think to say that her mother doesn't love her is pretty cold... and wrong. Her mother loves her, if she didn't she wouldn't care and worry about her the way that she does. She wouldn't make ANY contact with Ruth or pass along any messages to her through her sibling(s) that would not be totally supported by Darth Daddy if she didn't love Ruth. The problem is that she doesn't ACCEPT Ruth for who she is and what she believes, regardless of whether they agree. There are many parents like that out there, mine included, who have nothing at all to do with ATI. Some people just can't see past their own noses to realize you don't have to agree with someone to be accepting of them, or be respectful of them, or support them when they need it.

  29. Sara, what is the difference between a mother loving her daughter but refusing to protect her from an abusive father, prioritizing the funeral of a 16 week fetus over her own daughter's planned wedding, rejecting who she is and what she believes, and desiring to bring her back into the abusive situation -- and a mother who doesn't love her daughter at all? The first may be more emotionally comforting, but so is the story of Santa Claus. Growing up means accepting reality. A deep acceptance that she simply is not loved, by either parent, will allow Ruth to move forward and find her own parent-figures from the planet full of good, trustworthy people who are out there and would like to be a positive part of her life.

  30. Just wow...which QF/ATI person has your blood-related paternal genetic donor (hate to call him the "father" word, he has no idea what that really is in God's eyes) coerced into trolling on here? Sickening! Why do I always get the feeling when reading their dribble that they have put themselves before God...scary little cult that has nothing to do with the love of the Savior, Jesus!
    Stay strong Ruth. God is not unaware of the heresy Gothard created just to rake in the bucks and play God!

  31. Bernice

    Telling Ruth to make the same assumptions you have regarding your own path to wellness was not your place.

    What worked for you on your road to recovery at your own pace is yours. Your truth is your own.

    Your pace is your own. People may have very similiar upbringings or abuse. I assure you that everybody's road to recovery is very different. As different as we are individual.

    You may have found that to be true for your own self,but to assume her mother is the same as yours is an unfair qualification.

    Let Ruth come to her own conclusions about her upbringing. Let her come to her own conclusions about whether or not her parents loved her.

    Making such an unkind assumption, is unfair to the timing of her own self realizations, and acceptance of them. You, putting such know it all statement in such a brutal way was insensitive. It may have worked for you, but it does not mean it is right or will work for Ruth.

  32. Ruth, it's past time for you to admit something to yourself.

    Bernice, the way you put this statement out there was in itself abusive. It was no different than the way abusers would have.

    Growing up means accepting reality. A deep acceptance that she simply is not loved, by either parent, will allow Ruth to move forward and find her own parent-figures from the planet full of good, trustworthy people who are out there and would like to be a positive part of her life.

    Well I gotta say if some of these people who you say are good,and trustworthy make statements like this, I think she should be running for the hills. Did it not occur to you that she is growing up everyday with the reality of her own childhood being abusive?

    Kindness, gentleness, and selfcontrol, go along way in gainging somebody's trust and fuelling healing in their lives alot faster than making blunt assumptions that can do more damage than good. Did it ever occur to you that right now with the break up of whom she loved and loved her,was not the time to make a blanket statement that she was unloved?

    Give your head a shake need a lesson in love yourself...your healing seems to have left you with a bitter pill taste still is in your mouth.

  33. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Mom has very rigid ideas about religion, not so much in the way one practices, but in the way it defines a person. She also has rigid ideas about how a person should live, dress, act and speak. I do sometimes feel that my mother does not like me because I rejected her demands that I follow in her path. However, I do think that my mother loves me and that she is as troubled by our conflict as I am. I am much older than you are, but we both continue to struggle and try to come to a balance. Fortunately, my dad is nothing like Darth Daddy. I am really glad that you are reading about NPD, Ruth because I think this is the overriding issue with your father. Your mom is so enmeshed that I agree she cannot get out of it. A person with NPD sees the other people in his/her life as objects that belong to them, like a toaster.

    Ruth, your dad is throwing you crumbs when he lets you speak with your mother a bit. He would not hold up his end of the bargain if you returned to the fold. He simply cannot help himself. He would need to punish you and make a constant example of you. I think you know that. But if you get some limited contact with mom by bargaining on occasion and you know that is all you will ever get, then it may be worth the aggravation. Only you can know that. Remember to keep dad at arms length at these times. I think of you and hope for you to find the peace and happiness you deserve.

  34. Mia:
    "...was not the time to make a blanket statement that she was unloved?"

    The statement that Ruth's parents do not love her is a statement of judgment and fault against them, not against her. Ruth, like all unloved and abused children, did her damnedest to conform to their expectations and get them to love her. They simply don't. And that is her fault to the same extent that it's a young child's fault when they get beaten -- in other words, not at all.

    As to my being "unkind," Ruth is not a 17 year old who's just out of this situation. She's an older adult, one who has had a serious relationship, is in college and preparing for a career. She is not a child. I am not treating her like a child. The truth is that her father is a personality disordered egomaniac who loves himself and himself alone, and her mother is a weak, codependent woman who loves her husband and fears her God.

    As to my being bitter? That made me laugh. I've got a large and supportive chosen family. I got to the point of being able to love them and receive their love in return when I gave up on parents who only love their God and themselves. It took a couple of years of therapy, but that's healed to the point where it doesn't even hurt anymore. It's just occasionally a little sore, like a bad knee.

    Go to any support group for adult children from abusive fundamentalist homes. You can likely find at least one if you live in an area with much population. Call local shrinks and therapists and ask. Don't go in with the idea that you know what they need. Go in and listen. The ones who are at peace are the ones who've accepted the reality that their parents, for reasons obvious or unknowable, it doesn't matter -- can't love them.

    The truth REALLY DOES set people free. I'm not going to continue to debate in this thread. You and others who are appalled by my bluntness can pat Ruth on the head and talk to her like she's 9. I'm treating her like an adult woman who is strong enough to accept reality and capable of moving forward in her life.

  35. Ruth, Have a wonderful week. Ignore the trolls (why not change your blog so it won't accept anonymous comments?) and take every day as a day to recover from this fall. Spring will be coming before you know it. (We can only hope while we're being blown around).

    Hugs and Blessings to you.

  36. WOW. I'd comment further but I have to go stuff my face now. ;-)

  37. If I had a paypal and the spare funds I would donate, just for the sheer fact to piss off the trolls! :-D

    But for now, just know I am thinking of you, and wishing you all the very best in life! You can do anything you put your mind to!!!

  38. Hey Ruth,

    You are doing awesome...keep at it! And have a good semester at school! :)

    We're all rooting for you.

  39. Ruth, something that has helped me heal from an abusive marriage was to realize that though he was my husband, he was never the husband he should have been--my protector, lover, nurterer, provider. or friend. A lot of us in recovery work through our pain through grieving "what should have been." It is okay to grieve those things, and hopefully, in time, you'll come to a place of acceptance. I am just like you in that I over-analyze every decision I make. It is terrifying! Especially when we weren't allowed to make choices for ourselves for many years. It does get easier and strength comes with time. As for what God's will is, I suspect you are right in the midst of it: healing, growing stronger, erecting boundaries that protect yourself, not moving too quickly in commitments you're not ready for, and allowing people who care about you to provide emotional and financial support. I only found your blog a week ago, but I am incredibly proud of you! Reading through years worth of your blog entries in a short time allows me to see how much you are growing. Keep up the good work!

  40. I saw this at and thought it would help you, Ruth:

    "Comment Policy: Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are constantly negative or a general ass, troll or hater, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us."

    Those are good, healthy boundaries. (She has a good site for re-exploring biblical womanhood. I recommend it.)

  41. Wow, Google keeps posting things as anonymous for me recently. Ruth, paypal is okay for trusting little things like transfers. I think you remember where I work and the problem with paypal is when people send tons of money to crooks and then want it back. Not too many hacking incidents that I've dealt with in my seven years at work. Take it with a grain of salt.

    Trolls always come out to attack you whenever you get some support. The first thing they always attack is the tip jar. Screw it. There's nothing wrong with taking a little or playing what you have forward. I told you a long time ago about a friend who was from a similar background who got no support through college. I used to send her little bits here and there. Now, she's got a job making more than twice what I make and she gets me hockey tickets here and there to say thank you. It's about balance. Give when you can, take when you must.

    I think your mom loves you but she's weak. Love her for what you can and try to move past the rest. The entire point of barefoot and pregnant is to make sure that women have NO options to leave this asylum. The FLDS does the same thing. With no education, the women can't support their herds of children, so that makes them dependent on their husbands.

    You've made the best decision of all time: You got out. As someone else said, you make the best decision at the time with what info you have and move on. No one is perfect (not even Darth). But that's life. And I would rather live in a gutter in a slum than live with no options and no freedoms under your father's roof.

    And just for the trolls, I'll send a bit forward when I get paid.


  42. Yeah... is prolly not the time for a snark fest between folks who support Ruth.

    I will say that one has to understand the pathology of the ATI cult to get the position and mental state of Ruth's Mom. Ain't pretty.

    Probably best not to speculate on the quality of love that Ruth's Mom demonstrates.

    Essentially, I believe Ruth's Mom is utterly spineless, but still capable of love.

    Incidentally Ruth, there are multiple people people using two computers in one household who are following your story, and pulling for you. Every one of them are coffee fiends.

    Think of us as the "Fools Who Pool Pennies For Ruth's Coffee."

  43. Woah, all this controversy over Ruth buying coffee! I have no issues with a "donate" button, it's not like she charges for us to read, it's choice if someone wants to help out. I have personally never donated as I really don't do that, but I do think that Ruthi is legit.

    Amusing that a poster attacks another posters weight, like that has a thing to do with what they had to contribute to the conversation. It's an "ad hominem" response, which essentially shows that the person using it has nothing else to use in the argument.

    Have a great semester Ruth, my school starts back tomorrow.

  44. @ Anonymous - "MM, I get what you are saying, but anyone with half a brain would read the blog before shooting from the hip."

    The first anonymous comment, who came back and identified herself as Jenny, was at least mildly constructive in her(?) input. She said, basically, that it would clarify the purpose of the tip jar for her if there was some brief explanatory text attached to it. Fair enough, as far as I'm concerned, and as long as Jenny recognizes that Ruth is free to decide whether to accept that advice, or whether to say "Anybody who reads the blog will understand, and anybody who hasn't been following along shouldn't use the donate button anyway, so why worry?"

    The next anonymous commenter, who may or may not be the same person, whose comment starts with "I'm thirding this..." because apparently he or she lacks basic reading comprehension skills... That person is a straight-up troll, and deserves no attention, let alone any courtesy.

    @ Cynthia - "Give when you can, take when you must."

    I really, really like this.

  45. Dear Anonymous,

    Apparently, you do not understand the term "troll". She was not referring to your appearance; she was referring to your behavior.

    You have confirmed that assumption.

    Ruth is not required to meet your criteria for anything. You are an anonymous poster on her blog on the internet. You could be anyone, anywhere, but without even a name or an email address, you are free to say what you want and you somehow believe she should change for you.

    She is under absolutely no obligation to do so.

    Those of us who read regularly know Ruth's story, know who she is, and know her feelings about the Donate/Paypal button.

    Feel free to read through the archives and learn more about Ruth. She is a fascinating person, and she has lived through some amazingly difficult verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

    You are free to read her work, but in my opinion, you have little right to judge her. Should you have lived through something more horrific, I would think this would make you at least sympathetic.

    It is not a pissing match, regardless.

    So, if you have nothing decent to say, off with you. Ruth doesn't need you, and you're just stirring up her supporters.

    Ruth, sweetie, I am proud of you. Glad you got some nice coffee. Coffee is important. Also, groceries--very important! Enjoy them! Good luck in the new semester.

  46. I know is just that Ruth took the donation link DOWN once before...because of her concerns with personal integrity.

    Now that she could really use the "pennies," we're afraid she will take it down again just because some jerk didn't know the story.

  47. I wish I could hug you. (Sometimes I wish I could hug your mom, but sometimes I kind of lump her with your dad.)

    I love that you ask questions. Even when you second-guess yourself. I'm a big fan of questions, despite the gut-wrenching feeling that comes along with them often-times. Keep asking yourself questions. Keep asking other people questions. Keep thinking.

    And I personally love that you have the PayPal option. And yes, I've seen that option on other blogs. It's totally okay.

  48. I'm posting as anonymous because I have no desire to toot my own horn, but as someone who did put a little something in your tip jar I'm very glad you purchased some coffee- a must for college students to function- and some groceries. That's what it was for, to purchase what you needed. Hope your semester goes well!

  49. I probably shouldn't fuel the fire but I want to put in my two cents. I am a natural skeptic and while I tend to believe Ruth's story I will always have a little bit of doubt. That has not stopped me from making small donations because I still come here, read, and become more informed. If her story is not real than Ruth is quie the author and I'd pay for that too. Anyone who has cable and has watched reality TV should at least feel it is OK to donate. Reality TV is also based in truth but manipulated for entertainment.

    To Ruth: despite my skepticism I am sorry for what you are going through and wish you all the best.

  50. Your father is an ass.
    I threw some in the tip jar. I don't really care what or where she spends it. She's an adult, and my choice to give money does not give me the right to dictate where she spends the money or to even judge it.

    I didn't read this blog for a month and look at all the activity... wow. perhaps a good thing, because I probably would have flamed your father.

    Keep your chin up and have a good semester.

  51. Wow! The comment line is hot this weekend!

    Two things: First, it didn't sound like the troll was dad or someone close to him. Just a troll. These folks come to blogs and try to upset everyone. IMO

    Second, I would again encourage everyone to do a little study on narcissism. These folks are incapable of love as most of us know it. Their victims (read mom) become incapable of love also as the narcissist drains all energy and goodness away. Mom actually fits the pattern as much as Dad. Yes, she is responsible for her part or lack, just as Ruth has said, but we probably can't expect much more from her.

    Narcissism and legalism are close siblings. They are often found together.

  52. Oh, and coffee is not only a legitimate college expense, it is an important part of a good day. I will certainly be putting something in the jar and I hope you will use it at Starbucks or for coffee in general!

  53. I've been harsh in my criticism of Ruth's mom and while her actions, or in-actions rather, play as much of a role in Ruth's abusive upbringing I don't doubt that she loves Ruth. She's just too weak and abused herself to make a better life for her children. This I feel she will come to regret one day. I also believe Ruth loves her mom and is capable of holding her responsible where applicable. It's ok to be angry with those that we love. To ignore that anger would be unhealthy. As Ruth reads up on NPD she will undoubtedly discover that her mom is drawn to a narcissistic partner for her own self esteem issues and shortcomings. NPDs work best when they have a willing partner to do their bidding. Some say co-dependency and some say co-narcissism. So many terms for this typical coupling. Every pot has a lid, every cup has a saucer. If possible Ruth's mom should also read up on NPD. It might give her some strength and courage to find herself again. She's young enough to still have children so there is hope she can make a life of her own someday for herself, her children and Ruth.

  54. Snerk. Godless coffee fiends here. God Loving coffee fiends there...

    ...Coffee fiends EVERYWHERE!

    Ruth hangs out with some cool online peple.o

  55. OOPS.

    That would be "people."

    Also Ruth...have you ever heard of online "Freecycle." See if you have one in your area.

    We have been able to "help and receive" with this online resource: from clothes to textbooks to linens, to furniture, FREECYCLE has helped our group tremendously, and allowed us to help others.

  56. Just a note.....lots of people have trouble with making decisions and then second guess themselves over whether or not they made good ones.

    But, you know what Ruth? They are YOUR decisions. You take the credit or you take the blame, but in the end, you fought for your freedom to make them and that is wonderful.

    Perhaps I can offer some insight on your mom. I too, was married to a narcissistic man. I am sure we would have had a blissful marriage if I had been content to tow his line for me. I did for a few years and then when I turned 30, I realized how unhappy I was.

    Had it not been for a will that was instilled in my from a very young age, from both my mother and my aunties, I could have easily allowed him to bully me, thinking myself deserving of that just by virtue of being his "helpmeet."

    I also think, now looking in hindsight, that my ex is a closet gay man. He had so much self-loathing and persisted so much in seeking "righteousness" that I think it was an attempt to subconsciously deny his leanings. Part of that denial was to keep up the aggressive behavior in hopes that others wouldn't clue it in.

    I'm not saying this is true for your dad, but I do think men are under an enormous amount of pressure in super- conservative circles to be in control at all times, and if there is even a whiff of being out of control, then there are those who will question their masculinity. The very idea of this to some men, I do believe, contributes very heavily for these men to be abusive. And, for someone who may be gay, since masculinity is akin to being godly, well, you can see where the self-hatred can come in.

    If a woman enters a relationship such as this, and has no tools and has never been encouraged to call the bluff of an abusive person or system, and furthermore, if she is instructed to "just be sweet" in an effort to 'make' her husband stop abusing her by using her example of godly womanhood, then she's doomed to live a life where she makes no decisions and nothing is ever really 'hers,' not even her own walk with Christ.

  57. Montana Wildflower said: "I also think, now looking in hindsight, that my ex is a closet gay man. He had so much self-loathing and persisted so much in seeking "righteousness" that I think it was an attempt to subconsciously deny his leanings. Part of that denial was to keep up the aggressive behavior in hopes that others wouldn't clue it in."

    This is an interesting insight. I don't know if I would go that far in a general statement for all narcissistic men, but I would say that domination and chauvinism are socially acceptable behaviors through which narcissism can be expressed. Men get into these systems because they find affirmation for their own feelings and perspectives. When they don't measure up in that system, they fear that others will view them as lesser men. So those who are concerned about their masculinity do tend to become more aggressive and more controlling.

    Narcissists are often viewed as powerful and confident, but they are far from both. The cruel behavior is meant to cover up their insecurities and distract from what they think of themselves.

    KrisO said: "As Ruth reads up on NPD she will undoubtedly discover that her mom is drawn to a narcissistic partner for her own self esteem issues and shortcomings." Absolutely! This is a symbiotic relationship. Yet, mom is the one who is losing herself. Mom is in danger, I believe. She may be able to get through life this way. Others have, partly because of the community support. But she is still a victim, at least a victim of the system.

  58. "Some people have nothing better to do than cowardly hide behind an anonymous tag "

    They can try to hide. I seriously doubt that most trolls know how to hide their location. Blogspot tracks IP's and here is how you find out where they are coming from:

    That's just the free stuff! I highly suggest you start posting IP addresses of trolls so other people can automatically block them as well.

  59. I think another thing that would greatly help is a dedicated tab to your story with specific links to blog posts that tell the story of your courtship.

  60. I'm going to second FREECYCLE. Most of my friends donate stuff that way. It's a great way to say "I had this couch but I finally saved up and got some big girl furniture and have no room for this perfectly nice but used sofa.

    So much better than a landfill and a great way to get anything from egg crates to treadmills!

    Study Hard! I know there was an issue with working in the past, but is work study in the library a possibility now? As a book lover, it might be a great way to go if you are still thinking about library science.

  61. "So much better than a landfill and a great way to get anything from egg crates to treadmills!"

    Egg crates...the best modular storage "furniture" ever!

    We were able to "organize" STUFF because of FREECYCLE.


  62. Completely off-topic, but I wanted to post a follow-up note for Gotharddad.

    After three days of study and contemplation, I have yet to find a clear and Godly model for marriage. In fact, here in the New Covenant, the Godly model for marriage appears to be complete celibacy, with marriage as a fallback plan for those who aren't strong enough to remain celibate. So already I'm seeing that there's more than one way to live a Godly life, which seems to contradict your assertion that there's only one "Model" which is obvious to anyone who prays over it.

    Secondarily, in regard to Psalm 127 specifically, yes: it does say that children are a reward and a blessing. (Taken as a whole, that psalm appears to say that therefore you shouldn't let your work come between you and your family - but still, children are a reward and a blessing.) Even so, there's a difference between "happy is the man with many children" and "you should always have as many children as possible, regardless of circumstance."

    There's also... I don't know, maybe I'm misreading you on this, but you seem to imply that having lots of children encourages God to shower you with other blessings, as if children were some sort of spiritual boxtops that you save up in order to send off for prizes. If that is what you believe, then I disagree: as far as I can see from contemplating the Bible, children are a reward in themselves, not a means of obtaining further blessings.

  63. Ruth, I'm sorry the last month has been so exhausting for you.

    I'm glad that you were able to get the essentials with your tip jar (seriously, coffee is necessary in college).

    Trolls happen. Eff 'em. IP logging can help (basically, it shows where someone's coming from, and helps to pinpoint "hot" trolling spots if they use multiple names). Banning can help. Otherwise, ignore them. If they're not Gothardites they're bored or easily enraged twits. It's not worth your time to engage with them.

    I hope this is a good semester for you. Take care, spend time with friends, and have fun. :)

  64. @Michael -- You might be interested in a book by Elaine Pagels called Adam, Eve, and the Serpent. It traces the origins of Christian thought on marriage and sexuality through about the time of Augustine. The one thing that was abundantly clear to me from reading it: there has never, historically, been a consensus on what the Bible calls Christians to do in terms of sexuality (at least, never a consensus that lasted for very long). Celibacy was definitely considered the more virtuous option for centuries and centuries after the Bible was written -- even by people who were married.

    And Ruth -- I wish you a good semester! I always enjoy reading your blog.

  65. Way to go MM and the dude up top who addresses DD father to father....well written.

  66. @Michael Mock- Lots Of Kids= Spiritual Box Tops

    Great analogy

  67. @ victoria - Thanks. I'll look that up.

  68. Ruth
    because we share a similar background I have often come to your blog. DO NOT listen to your parents God is not cursing you mine told me the same thing. I have to force myself to look around me and see that the economy sucks right now and alot of people are struggling right now. I am so so sorry about Harris I was hoping that you would finally have a happy ending. Relationships and first loves teach us alot about ourselves and life they help us grow and develop. Take time to grieve, time to remember and time to accept yourself.

  69. Ruth, I have read your blog often enough to cry every time I read it, and to pray that the Lord, the real Jesus Christ will make himself known to you. That he will comfort and sustain you and give you the confidence and strength to make your decisions. God be with you Ruth.

  70. Hi Ruth,
    I hope all is well and that you are enjoying your new semester in college. Update us when you can, but please don't feel any pressure to do so.



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