Monday, February 1, 2010

19 Kids and Counting...

I'll take the bad with the good.
First the good -
I was laying here last night feeling sorry for myself. My throat feels like mince meat and I have a little fever. My "joyful countenance" is sort of ravaged after this recovery. There was a knock on my door at 7:30. It was "Harris", my neighbor from down the hall. Like me, he's older than the average Freshman and kind of quiet. In any case, he was standing in my doorway holding a television and a cable hook-up. I had mentioned to him, in a passing conversation, that I grew up QF and watched the Duggars, and he'd seen me down in the common area watching it on the big screen, and he guessed that I'd want to stay in my room tonight. Then he stayed to watch with me - he sat on the floor, no funny business. (grin) The best part was when he said he would bring me ice cream tonight. Isn't he sweet?

Now the bad -
Watching 19 Kids and Counting last night made me very angry. TLC glosses over some very important points when depicting the drama and trauma of Josie's premature birth. Some will argue that it's good that TLC didn't show some of what I'm about to highlight but I see it as false marketing. TLC is marketing the Duggars as a brand- as something that you or I might want and emulate. They're selling this life as something sweet and pure and admirable. But I ask you, TLC - what is admirable about placing your life, and the life of your child, in danger to recklessly procreate? Michelle knew, with each and every pregnancy, that pre-eclampsia could rear it's head again and take her down. She had it with Jana and John-David. They talk about it in the book and Michelle has acknowledged it in episodes of the show. Any woman who's had it once is warned about it again and with Michelle wishing for twins each time she gets pregnant, it seems she didn't quite get how serious it was. Until now. Yet, she's still "trusting her womb" to God. Will you film 20 Kids and Counting, when Michelle is delivering a still born and possibly putting herself into an early grave? Will you even discuss that eventuality in your show? Or will you show how America's Favorite Family soldiers on with faux dignity and manufactured grace through the worst time in their lives? Think you won't do it? You did it tonight.

There's nothing dignified about having a premature baby. I don't say that with malice toward the mother or the baby but with malice toward those who film the spectacle or profit from it. Having a premature infant, especially one as tiny as Josie, is intense enough without the dour violin concertos and solos telling us to feel worried. We don't need a soundtrack or Jim Bob pontificating on how this will change their lives forever because we knew that this was going to happen. Why didn't you know? Why didn't you care enough to see that this wasn't a possibility, but an eventuality. They fired the gun too many times and this time there was a bullet in the chamber. If you're going to show the sunny side, show the rain!

You call yourself The Learning Channel? Then educate. You say it's reality tv, then show the reality. Show the world how Josie had to have a tube threaded down her throat at birth just so she could maintain an airway to breathe. Show how much pain she was in. Show how Michelle's doctors, educated male AND FEMALES, saved her life and are keeping Josie alive through science and the art of medicine. You want to advocate this lifestyle, then show the abject terror and tears of parents who've just watched their premature infant have a bowel obstruction. As much as I don't want to see it, you're advocating this lifestle and you owe it to the world to show the truth. Show the exhaustion on Anna's face and explain how those babies at home didn't see their mother for weeks because of their parents' choice to consider them "not enough". Show the reality when their home, should Josie come home (and I hope she does), becomes a regimine of handwashing and therapy and sterilizing every surface to keep baby Josie from catching RSV.

I realize I'm contradicting myself. My heart wishes this family were never put on television as an example. In that respect, I don't hope that any of this would see the light of day. However, what infuriates me is that, knowing it's going to be televised and what-not, that all this REAL DRAMA and HEARTACHE will be manipulated into a completely fabricated version of life. Life through Duggar glasses. Take off the glasses, TLC. Start looking at this family and it's choices through the glasses of reality because you're encouraging this spectacle and it's not right!

40 comments:

  1. I completely agree with you! My main problem with the Duggar Franchise is its completely fraudulent nature (this is completley separate from any issues I have with the Duggar lifestyle itself). TLC has created a one-sided, fairy tale portrayal of an adorable, religious family. The network sends out the message of "Oh goodness! Isn't it just so cute that they have 19 smiling, clean cut, good looking children! We should ALL be so lucky!". Yet, for hundreds (?) of episodes they have ignored the nitty gritty, cold hard facts of this life. Whether it is how deeply the patriarchy runs in this movement (dismissed with "we have very conservative values" in the opening), how isolated their children really are, how much this life costs for people who don't have a TV show, or the extremely serious (and highly likely to occur) risks of having this many children, TLC just glosses over it with a smile and pop-up. It is truly infuriating. Blogs like yours are a gift. They illuminate the true nature of this life (the good or the bad).

    We live in a country where people are allowed to choose how to live (even if a lot of fundies would like to change that), but I think TLC is doing the public a huge disservice by not showing the true consequences and risks of choosing this lifestyle. At least your blogs, and others like it, exist for people would like to search out a more complete picture of ATI/QF.

    Sorry for the rant! I just wish TLC would stop being so irresponsible.

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  2. Also, "Harris" sounds sweet. :-)

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  3. I hate TLC. Discovery Channel (which owns the company) is two blocks from my apartment- maybe I should go down and voice my displeasure in person. They make so much money off of these "reality" shows with no value beyond voyeurism. It just continues to encourage people to sell their families for fame.
    Hope the recovery continues to go well, and that Harris brings good ice cream. :)

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  4. I have seen so many people talk about how wonderful the Duggar's life is and how they wish they had it.

    I feel like shaking them and screaming, but it's not their fault, it's TLC's. TLC shows us how pure and wonderful it is for a woman to have no control over her body, let alone her life. They portray as admirable a family that forces young children to raise even younger children.

    They never show the exhaustion, stress, fear and pain. That just doesn't exist in TLC's world, but it does in the Duggars'.

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  5. I have friends who were raised Pentecostal, who complain about the restraints of this kind of life yet talk about how sweet the Duggars are. When educated people who have similar experience can't see through the BS, then we are in trouble. She knows what patriarchy is. She cut her hair and her father threw her through a glass door. Yet she loves big families and all the "love".

    This show reminds me of the Nazi propaganda films that were produced that showed Hitler as a loving father of a nation. Anything can be glossed over and sold to the masses.

    Ruth,

    Harris sounds wonderful. A boy doesn't lug a TV and accoutrement unless he thinks you are sweet. It's great that you've got so many supportive people around you (especially the Food service person who is helping you out).

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  6. I have a question for those who know more about the Duggars than I do: how much control do they have over how TLC presents their family? Would they be able to quit/sue/etc if their lives were reported as anything less than a glowing testimony to righteous-people-farming?

    Ruth, glad to hear you have nice people around. Keep your countenance full of ice cream for a while. :)

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  7. The episode made me really upset, too.

    But Harris sounds like a very sweet friend. :)

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  8. While watching the show I kept wondering how unfortunate it would be that all this time and energy on filming could have been documenting Josie's demise. Michelle's demise as well. Each time her blood pressure went up I kept thinking, stop talking, stop filming! Such a tense and private time should NOT have been filmed. Shame on the Duggars for doing so. I thought tuning in we would see Josie at home and never did I expect they had filmed Michelle's hospital stay and the birth. These people are crazy.

    Harris sounds wonderful! What a sweet friend to have.

    I found your blog via Twop and I am absolutely blown away by your writing and sharing of your story. I think you're a brave and strong young woman. You're bound for great things Ruth!

    When I saw your father's awful comment about the tip jar I doubled my donation. ;-)

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  9. I agree with everyone. TLC shows only the 'good' and we don't see any consequences, the 'bad'. I was shocked to see Josie's birth on screen. When they showed the red faced Michelle going into surgery I thought the next shot will be of Josie in the NICU.
    I too wish TLC would step up to its roots and teach so we could learn.
    I'm still upset about the boy who stole the candy from the baby shower. We never saw what happened to him afterwards.

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  10. Hey Ruth.

    I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I've never commented. Last night I was at a friend's and she was watching 19 Kids [or whatever it's called now?] and I thought about you. Just wanted to let you know that I was praying for you, that you were having a good night and your tonsils were feeling better and that you would be blessed. So I'm very glad that Harris showed up.

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  11. Brilliant! I wonder if they have a new wife in mind for Jim-Bob if J'chelle doesn't make it. Maybe Erin Bates? Showing his poor dying father, then his father's funereal was bad enough of Jim-Bob. Making more bucks off an extremely fragile infant is ridiculous. How many germs do other micro-preemies get from the cameras, etc? I cut the satelite so I haven't seen the episode, but read it on FreeJinger. I feel for the teens holding the family routine together and for the troop of little ones who have no clue how close they came to losing their "birth" mother. Add to this the "wonderful" news that Mrs. Bates is pregnant again and I want to take Bill Gothard, sanctimonious childless-no-it-all and castrate him on live tv. Let HIM spend a day doing what even one of the big Duggar girls have been doing since, oh, about age 10. I know I'm rambling--I'm just so "with you" on this one!

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  12. I didn't see this episode yet, but my cousins were born two months early and turn 18 today and tomorrow. For the first year of their lives, we worked hard to make sure that they weren't overstimulated in any way. I'm not sure how bringing a camera crew and 18 siblings into an intensive care unit helped avoid that.

    I am a new reader but I love your blog, Ruth! Look forward to more.

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  13. Hopewell,

    The second wife thing really gets to me. You know if (when) Michelle dies in childbirth, it will be GOD's will. And the husband will bounce on over to a newer, younger wife who can pop out another 19 kids. I don't know if JimBob would miss a beat. Why mourn when it was God's decision to call her home as a martyr to childbirth.

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  14. Yes, it sounds like Harris might be interested in you... and he sounds like a thoughtful person.

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  15. The Duggars just capture my attention. I hope and pray they decide to stop.

    If your throat is still hurting try this home remedy. We always used it:
    honey and apple cider vinegar. Mix them together. Use a 1 to 1 ratio. Usually I use TBS just to keep from using too much. You want it to have the sweetness of the honey but still have the sourness of the vinegar. Just let the honey ooze down your throat. It has always helped us when we have a sore throat.
    Hope you feel better soon.

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  16. Co-sign 100%. TLC's sugar-coating of what could have been a very dire situation was unconscionable. But the Duggars signed their lives away to TLC for the $$$$ and swag and sadly, I think they would have aired a VSE framed around the death of Josie, Michelle or both of them, if it came to that. Michelle was apparently very close to stroking out.

    JimBob (I'll save the nicknames for TWOP and FJ) needs to keep it zipped and close up shop for a while or those kids WILL have a step-mother about the age of his daughters sooner than they think.

    The big thing with the Duggars, and Ruth, you can confirm if this is a belief that is not exclusive to them, but they seem to be in denial. Maybe it's because they've been incredibly lucky for having so many kids, then great wealth from TLC to insulate them from the realities of life. Before Josie, the worst things that happened to them were the loss of Michelle's mother (many years ago, as far as I can tell) and Grandpa Duggar about a year ago. It's as if they live in some bubble of fantasy. I know the QF (and deny it all they want, it walks like a duck...they're QF, but distancing from it and direct mentions of ATI "homeschool conference" anyone?) to make their image less extremist (even the Bateses have lost the clown outfits since appearing on TV...it DOES corrupt, even those pontificating blowhards) and more mainstream.

    I can't stand lying or deception and while the Duggars aren't doing the first, they definitely participate, with TLC, in the latter. What bothers me the most is that people actually BUY the image. Sort of like the persona of someone like Rachael Ray, who comes off so "sweet," but her real side is starting to emerge the longer she has her TV show. She's not the girl-next-door, she's a slag (I'd say more, but out of deference, I'll leave it there). :)

    Harris is a doll. How considerate of him to bring the TV and ice cream. Good people are hard to find; he sounds like an awesome support, and if you have a class or two together, a good study partner or group memeber.

    All the best,

    Nancy

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  17. Oh gracious. I admit that I don't watch the Duggars - I just feel creepy about watching any reality show involving children (didn't we learn anything from the Dionne quintuplets?) but I had just assumed that TLC would have the good grace to either not bring cameras into the NICU, or talk honestly about the well-known risks of preclampsia. Gracious. Apparently good sense is tragically absent from these proceedings.

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  18. I've been in her shoes - 24 weeker due to pre-e. I actually thought they did a decent job of portraying the actual situation fairly realistically. Yeah, they did gloss over things like watching her be intubated but honestly for Josie's sake I'm sort of glad they did.

    I personally think at this point the Duggars have made lifestyle choices that have forced them to keep up the show and I suspect that played a large part in allowing the cameras all over during such an awful time. I don't see how they can afford the house and lifestyle they have chosen and the number of kids they have without the money they are making off of TLC.

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  19. As long as TLC has viewers (YOU) they will continue to produce this show. They don't care if you hate it - if you watch it, you are helping their bottom line. Think about it.

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  20. It only counts if you're a Nielsen family or you DVR/TiVO the show. Otherwise, they extrapolate.

    Nancy

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  21. I posted this on another board &m to date, no one has remarked on it. So...I know, Ruth, you couldn't answer specifally(sp) about the Duggars but, for QF families in general, what if Josie had been 18 weeks or ealier when Michelle had pre-e, would they have allowed the c-section? Would that have been considered an abortion?

    Sorry, that is a terribly long sentence...LOL. And no, I did go to school.

    Jean

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  22. Edit: perhaps that should be - yes, I didgo to school. I think I need a nap.

    Jean

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  23. Nancy,
    She is posting about it on her very public blog giving them free publicity. Just saying if she hates them so much, why watch them? Why pick everything apart about the show?

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  24. I think Ruth should feel free to post what she pleases. It's her blog about her thoughts about issues she's experienced. If someone wants a pro-duggar site, I'm sure there are lots of them. I don't have a lot of siblings, yet I see the insanity that is this family. However, Ruth has experienced being the oldest female who raises the babies and I believe her family had a difficult pregnacy.

    She has good reasons to bring up the way TLC glossed over the horrific health issues that this baby is experiencing.

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  25. I feel bad for the children, especially the older ones.

    Essentially, the older children raise the younger children, who in turn raise the children younger than them.

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  26. What someone needs to do is to find out if this family is involved with the CULTic teachings of Bill Gothard. Gothard ( who has never married and has fathered no children ) believes that children should live at home until the marry, that they shouldn't be told about sex until the night before they marry, that couples should abstain from sex 40 days after a boy is born and 80 days after a female is born, etc.

    What Gothard's teachings do is create an ideal situation for the father/husband in the family and virtually turns the children into cheap labor for the family.

    There are families all over the country who have been destroyed by Gothard's teachings. http://www.pfo.org has an excellent report on this CULTic individual's teachings.

    The worst part is, is that the families that are into this garbage maintain a squeaky-clean image. I would love to be a fly on the wall when the camera's are off at the Duggar's house. I'd also like to get the older kids away from Ma and Pa Duggar, and pick their brains to see just what they really think of the CULTic family they are in. God help those kids!!!

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  27. Oh my yes !! I did see Anna's face in that episode. She looked exhausted, she had to pick up Mr. & Mrs. D's slack. As do the other Duggar children. When the family is shown together out visiting places on that TLC show, more times than not, you will see Mr. & Mrs. Duggar holding hands, walking ahead, while the kids are left behind to deal with the young babies & toddlers. It's just WRONG on so many levels. We had seven children & we did NOT push our responsibilities onto our kids. Also, another thing is that we weren't put on this Earth by God to "be an island." The Duggar's need to grow & release the kids already. Let them attend college if desired. Or was their education not up to par?!! Bet not. How sad. Mrs. Duggar is always the "center of attention" as she is always pregnant, always needing pampered, etc. The kids are "stuck" to serve the family, to raise up their siblings (buddy system). Last time I checked my Bible, Jesus was out amongst the lowest of mankind, mingling, socializing, encouraging, healing...being Jesus. He was "not an island."

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  28. I am the oldest of seven, also homeschooled, and my parents have been in ATI since 1988 with the exception of a couple years. Though I did help out with the youngers some as a child (mostly the occasional diaper change, taking to the potty, or fixing my various little sisters hair) my parents never had me do much free babysitting until I was in my teens and already babysitting other people's children for pay...and in fact my mom recently admitted to me that they probably should have paid me for the times I was in charge of the youngers for more than an hour or two cause it was a lot of work.

    I have met the Duggars before. Several years after leaving home for college and then working, I tagged along with my family to an ATI homeschool conference to get in a little extra time with my family before being out of the country for an extended period. It was my first time I'd done anything ATI for a long time and it happened to coincide with the Discovery channel filming the Duggars. I think Michelle was pregnant with number 15 or 16 at the time. They seem like a nice family and definitely not as twisted of a family dynamic as some ATI families I have known about...but there are a few things that just don't sit well with me about them.

    My mom and I were talking about QF and family size in Biblical times and she said that as far as she can recall, the biggest family mentioned in the Bible where all the children had the same biological mother AND father there were eight children. My mom also said that since in Biblical times children were nursed long-term and abstinence was practiced postpartum for a period of time, the likelihood of children being any closer in age than 2.5-3 years apart was fairly slim. So the whole popping out a kid every year or so can't really be claimed as following Biblical principles.

    Another thing that bugs me is the buddy system...which I've even seen with family who aren't in ATI/QF (not my own family, but close family). The idea that it is somehow a child's JOB to take care of a younger sibling really bothers me. I admit, sometimes there are days when I don't FEEL like mothering and playing with my little son, but it is my job as a mom to do so. Since my husband and I will more than likely only have three children (as I want at least a couple years between kiddoes and since I married later)...I will never have the excuse to pass on my parenting responsibilities to my children (nor that I would).

    I'm catching up on your blog Ruth (stayed up WAY too late last night reading) and I just want you to know that you are brave and that you are being prayed for.

    My mom, despite still being very pro-ATI and at least accepting of the QF movement (though not part of it herself), on hearing me tell a little bit about your story was horrified...and she is praying for you as well.

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  29. Seriously, does anyone else see what I see?! They need to stop having kids period! There shouldn't be money put towards them for recklessly reproducing. The babies are starting to look like the Curious Case of Benjamin Button! What is wrong with that woman?! Do your kids a favor and quit having poor little humans hindered for life, because you know the older kids are the ones who will really have to take care of the handicapped children because the mom and dad will be stretched so thin between so many children and money issues. People will get sick of the show eventually because it's not realistic and where will the money come from? That lady should have her tubes tied by law. She did well with the first half, but when a doctor tells you to quit, maybe... just maybe, she should God DAMN LISTEN!!! Really, it's her selfishness as the driving force. She won't have all the attention if she's no longer pumping out the kids. QUIT LADY!!! QUIT! She should do our population a favor and quit flooding it with her inferior genetics of stupidity. Obviously there's something mental with her because any normal person would realize that having children with those kinds of problems would stop! I don't want to pay for that crap with my taxes!!! Medically, obviously we are footing the bill with all the time her babies spend there. I just had a baby myself and I can't imagine forcing a medical condition on my child because I was too old and no longer produce functional offspring. That's to most selfish thing I have EVER seen, and I'm a Natural Resource Management student who studies pollution, waste, human impact on environment, and other absolutely selfish issues on the behalf of the human race. So, overall, this show and this family has offically made me royally disgusted! I want to start a ban on the show to demonstrate that strangers even know better than that mother! Mother is a generous term and I use it loosely. She is more of a queen bee pumping out offspring with little to no regard for the babies. Let me know what you think...

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  30. Thank you so much for posting this! I have QF acquaintances who don't seem to understand the seriousness of pre-eclempsia, or else they're too busy "trusting God" to take it seriously. I have two children and was pre-eclemptic with both of them, and my doctor advised me not to have any more. Fortunately DH & I hadn't planned to have more than two anyway, but I still feel like some QF or NFP people look down on us for only having two, even after they've heard my birth stories (two emergency c-sections due to high blood pressure, fortunately both at or after 37 weeks). I will not endanger my life and risk my children having to grow up without their mother just to please someone else. I believe God gave me the wisdom to make this decision, and the QF/NFP crowd can just suck it.

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  31. Well I know that I'm not the only person who loves this family very much. I think it is their decision and their right to have as many kids as they want to. In fact,if they do decide to have more children then so be it. What right does anyone have to say that they should stop having children if that's what they want to do? Besides,the other children are always VERY happy when Michelle says "I'm pregnant"!! SO MAYBE YOU ALL SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STOP SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!None of you would appreciate being talked about either so please just stop it. I mean come on people.

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  32. I posted the "everyone mind your own business",and I forgot to say that Ruth is begging for money and doesn't have a TV show or 19 kids so why in the world would I give her any money? Are you going to give me some Ruth?!!
    No I didn't think so.....get a job and stop begging bitch!!!!

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  33. I had pre-eclampsia and was informed by my OBGYN that this does not mean that I will have it with any future pregnancy. Having it once does not guarantee or increase your chances of having it again. It's a crap shot whether it's your first pregnancy or your 10th.

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  34. I am the opposite of a Duggar kid, I`m an only child and I only have 2 of my own children.
    I had parents that looked after me and took care of me and didnt brush their obligation and responsiblilies off to siblings or other family members and I do the same with my own childre.
    When God said "Go forth and multiply" I dont think he meant go reproduce until your body is a raw piece of hamberger and your kids have to look after each other and themselves.
    Not speaking for God actually but I think he meant have some children and a family and be happy without becoming a circus

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  35. Someone from the Arkansas DCFS (department of children and family services)should investigate this "family" for child labor laws violations and neglect or abuse.

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  36. There has got to be some kind of abuse going on in this family.

    I pray those innocent kids get out, and FAST!

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  37. If the Duggars quit TV altogether, they may have to quit all the vacations and missions for one. They wouldn't have the money to help out the kids when they age out of the house, or keep all the kids in their own vehicles when they get their license. They would have to live like the majority of our nation...hand to mouth. If it wasn't for TLC I do not see how they could manage all they have now. Michelle doesn't have an outside job, and neither does daddy Duggar. Look at what they have while you are watching the show...they have a LOT of nice, expensive stuff. Braces on teeth without insurance (unless they pay for private insurance) is outrageous! I know...I have 2 in braces, and 5 that needed braces when they were young. I do enjoy watching the show though, don't know why.

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  38. First off I don't think many of you know what you are talking about. So many judgmental people out there who have no clue what or who they are talking about. I do watch the show and I believe this family and their kids look very happy. I believe their hearts are right on and they have NEVER once tried to throw their convictions on anybody else. They state all the time that this is what they feel is right for them and that the Lord put it on their hearts. Never once have they said that this is what you have to do to be right with God. As a matter of fact for all of you people who have so much hate in your hearts for people you don't even know I think you should maybe look within before you cast judgment. I don't think that even after seeing such hateful comments about themselves they would even for a second say one word bad about you. It sure says a lot about where your hearts are in comparison to theirs. I know for me I will choose to listen and follow ones who are full of love and compassion and not hate and ignorance. After all that is who God is he is a God of love.

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  39. CCRUE:

    I suggest you read this blog post about those "happy" children. http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/11/but-they-look-so-happy.html

    They have been conditioned through brainwashing and physical abuse to look happy all the time. That is not true happiness ... those are robots. I should know, because I was also conditioned to be one.

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  40. I just found your blog and have been captivated, reading for hours.

    This one specifically- As a premature baby myself, you have very eloquently explained exactly why I have been angry with the Duggars about their recklessness. I, like Josie, was born at 25 weeks and it wasn't without a stream of complications, and this was back in 1988. I can't fathom how someone would continue to try to procreate knowing that this is what they are risking.

    Thank you so much for this, you have been very informative and though this is a long while after you started this blog, I do wish you the best in finding your way :)

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