Posting about Ellie's adoptive parents being a homosexual couple didn't sit well with many, many people. Despite the fact that the couple were the absolute best choice for Rachel, and that's really all that matters, there were several people who were angry. I eliminated anonymous posts because it was necessary to stop the b/s comments and e-mails. Well, the emails are still coming fast and furious, but at least the public, blog comments are more managable.
I didn't share the sexual orientation of the couple to get "extra points". This isn't a game.
Rachel chose these parents for her baby because they were, on paper, the best choice. She looked at several couples and narrowed it down to this couple because they met criteria Rachel had. Those criteria were: two professionals, spiritual but not religious, didn't believe in spanking, had a supportive extended family, were okay with a semi-open adoption on the bio mom's terms, and were prepared to take a child immediately. Notice there's not a sexuality requirement. She didn't care if they were hetero or homosexual. It just happens that they were homosexual. But, you know, it wasn't a statement to our parents or to Isaiah. It was just the way it worked out. They are the best parents for Ellie.
Some have asked a legitimate question: "how does a Gothard Christian girl feel comfortable enough to choose a homosexual couple to raise her baby?" From what I understand, Rachel was just looking for the best couple. When she saw the line about them being a gay couple, she did have pause. We talked about it and she came to the conclusion that, while it was contrary to everything we'd been raised with, what we'd been raised with didn't guarantee a solid family. I know Rachel prayed about it and she felt God was telling her to follow her instinct on this one. Rachel may have been raised to believe homosexuality is wrong. But, that doesn't mean she believes it. We were also raised to believe women were supposed to be subservient to men and that adoption was not for "us". Neither of us believe those things anymore.
Basically, it's done. Ellie is doing fantastic. Rachel is feeling pretty good and she's making plans to start a new life. Are my parents happy? I don't really care, in all honesty. We've heard that they've had a bad reaction to all of this --- but, they've told both of us that they've "washed their hands of us" and that we're disowned, too. It's done.
I did get a birthday card from one of my older brothers (through the brother I'm closest to) and I honestly had to laugh at the message. He said "Happy Birthday" and reminded me that I was always getting closer to God's judgement and hell. (roll eyes) I haven't seen the card, but it's been read and described to me. I'm tempted to remind him that he, too, is closer to the same things.
Thank you for the great, supportive messages and comments. For every one bad one, we received fifteen positive, helpful messages and that's what counts.
I'm sorry that people have been so unkind. What Rachel did was answer a prayer and help fulfill a miracle for parents who were without a child. Everyone in the situation is so blessed. You and Rachel are both in my heart as you move forward.
ReplyDeleteYou will never be able to resolve the negative feedback from haters. Guard your heart to keep them from draining your energy. I have spent way to much energy in my life trying to reason with negative people -- it will never work, because their minds are closed to any perspective other than their own.
ReplyDeleteGod works in interesting ways. It's fantastic that Rachel will get to have interaction with Ellie and her new family.
I am so proud / impressed that Rachel was able to look beyond the adoptive parents' sexual orientation to find the best family for Ellie. I think it's a real testament to her (and your) ability to think for yourselves and see beyond the hate you guys (and so many of us) have been taught.
ReplyDeleteRachel's responsibility was to find the best possible family for her child. If Ellie is going to grow up in a stable, loving, and safe home, I personally think that trumps any concerns over the sexuality of the parents. It sounds like Ellie is going to live in a world where she is adored, loved, and cherished. She will have a support system of extended family which loves and accepts her family. We all would be so lucky to live and thrive in such a community.
ReplyDeleteI personally think this world would be a better place if we focused less on people's sexual orientation and more about their actions in the world. Rachel allowed Ellie to be adopted by a family that wanted and loved her.
I was raised by parents who desperately wanted a child and especially a daughter. I was the first girl born in my father's family in almost 100 years. I was loved and adored by my parents and grandparents my whole life. Growing up, I took my family and support system for granted. It wasn't until I was in my late teens and 20s that I realized alot of people grew up in families where they were largely just tolerated and often not really loved. Now, as a professor, I frequently run across young adults who are desperate to be told they are smart, worth a damn, and have potential. I try very hard at my job to make every student feel like they can be successful and survive classes even if they don't like the subject. Currently, I'm working with a student who is seriously struggling with self-esteem issues and just needs an adult to tell her that she is a good person and smart. She always has been that, and my heart breaks that no one has ever just told her.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have truly grown to appreciate what a gift it was to grow up in a world where I knew I was wanted. I knew I was loved, and my family was always there. Granted, I have plenty of issues about my conservative upbringing, but this has never been one of them.
Giving Ellie the gift of being cherished and loved by a family is the best and most lasting gift she could ever be given. If Rachel knows she gave her to the best possible family, then screw everyone who runs her down for her choices. She should be proud of her strength to give her daughter a world of love no matter how the packaging is wrapped up.
I was amazed at the lack of negative comments on the previous post, but this explains it. I'm GLAD you deleted them, and I'm sorry you're getting the (inevitable, unfortunately) nasty emails. You and Rachel are in positions of strength, knowing you DID do the right thing for Ellie, and that's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteAs for your family... Nope, can't comment without a string of expletives.
Does this mean you've recently had a birthday??? If so, I DO hope on at least some level it was a happy one because you deserve that. :-)
Those emails were inevitable. Many of your readers are from conservative Christian backgrounds and have been taught that homosexuality is wrong at the deepest level. Like jennI777, I was surprised by the lack of negatives.
ReplyDeleteBut the issue here is not really sexual orientation. The real issue is the idea that any of us can judge Rachel’s decision. It is one thing for us to hold ideas and values that differ. It is quite another for us to try to push others into acting or thinking according to our ideas. Or into feeling guilty for not doing things our way.
Most people are not offended or hurt by the fact that others disagree. The hurt comes when people try to control what others do or think.
So, a message to Christian conservatives like me:
Either bless these young ladies or leave them alone. They are going through enough without your judgment. What Rachel has decided was within her rights and she doesn’t need your approval. You don’t have to like her decision or agree with it. No one has hurt you in this. Don’t give her more of what she is trying to get away from.
Rachel and Ruth – blessings on both of you! We do love you.
Dave
I don't think I've commented before but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring to show support. Like you I was raised to think homosexualiy as evil. I'm not so sure I believe that any more.
ReplyDeleteEllie's adoptive family seems wonderful. And from what you describe she will experience and learn more from love and acceptance than you and Rachel.
I agree, this isn't about sexual orientation but Ellie's best chance. I pray for God's blessing on you both for giving her that.
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ReplyDeleteRuth, I admire both you and Rachel for your strength. It quite frankly is no one's business what the sexual orientation of Ellie's parents are. But I think it takes a strong person to not hide that fact, despite any backlash that may occur. Rachel chose the best home for her daughter, and that's the bottom line. Everything else is irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteThe child will be fine. Rachel did a good job on her criteria. It's not your parents' problem. They did not conceive and birth the child. The child's father apparently signed away his rights. It's all up to Rachel and no one else.
ReplyDeleteWhat blesses my heart the most is the way you two young ladies have managed to forge ahead, ignoring the voices of your parents echoing in the background of your minds.
ReplyDeleteEchoing nay-saying voices are hard to silence.
The voices of your parent's teachings may contain some good - maybe - well, perhaps that's doubtful, so I (as a woman of a certain age) want to applaud you in your decision to break away completely and to find your own hill to die upon. Your parents have chosen their hill, and it is extremely sad that you and Rachel are not on that hill. As adults, it is up to you and Rachel, as independent young ladies, to choose your own hill, your own path, your own passions, your own ways. I love that, instead of trying to hang onto a speck of good that has little substance, that you are erasing the slate and starting over.
Erased slates. Two young women of value seeking their place in the world. Here, let me pin these wings to your shoulders, as your momma and papa ought to have done. Now, sweet daughters, go fly.
Ruth and Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI have followed your blog for some time now but I have never commented before. I just wanted you both to know that you are both being a great example for how you CAN escape Gothardism and live a great life. I too grew up in ATI and had it drilled into me that homosexuality was wrong and and they were all going to hell. I have vastly changed my viewpoint on that and am glad that you and your sister can see that not everything we were taught is right. I am sorry that some people are so filled with hate that they cannot take a few minutes to stop and actually think about why they believe what they believe and if it is really Biblical or if it is just something that has "always been" and held up by tradition but nothing else.
I guess all this is to say thank you for being brave enough to make the decision to place Ellie with the parents who were right for her no matter their orientation.
I haven't really commented on here but I've been reading for a long time now, it's awful that you got negative comments but that is always inevitable with such topics, it's great that you and your sis found the right family and all that matters is that you two know it's the right family, I'm glad everything is turning out for the better and as always have positive vibes being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteLet your biological father "disown" you and Rachel. We here enfold you both into loving, protecting, and caring arms as God wishes for us to do. I was raised that homosexuality was as bad as it could get, murders/adulterers fared better when going to meet our savior. As I grew up and saw the "real world" I realized God doesn't hate, despise, or wish ill on his children. He wishes love, acceptance, kindness, and understanding from us all. He wants us to live a Godly life. Which means LOVING those around us as much as we LOVE God. Respect others as we respect God's ways for us live. He wishes for us to live in peace, not be at war with eachother. We find that peace within ourselves, Knowing God loves us and guides us to where he KNOWS we belong, NOT where others think we should be. That is the God I LOVE and TRUST with all of my being.
ReplyDeleteI love Rachel's reasons behind choosing the family she did, and I am so impressed that at this point in her exit she had the clarity and intelligence to come up with those reasons. When I was on my way out of fundamentalism, and when I was her age, in no way did I have that kind of insight and foresight. The two of you are so impressive.
ReplyDeleteEllie is a wealthy child indeed, full of the love of so many people.
I am just so happy for you and Ellie and Rachel! Ellie will grow up and know every day how brave her birth Mom and Aunt are. You two gave her something your dad will never understand: Love without conditions.
ReplyDeleteThe world is filled with hateful negative people (sadly). I am glad that you and Rachel no longer have to live in a home that fosters such attitudes. You are both better off without your father. As always my best to you guys.
ReplyDeleteI love your attitude Ruth! You've come so far and have become such a strong young woman with healthy boundaries and convictions. Rachel is so lucky to have you for support and as a role model. There will always be haters and negative comments. I love that you just deleted them. You have really come into your own and shown great strides in having ownership over your story, your blog and your destiny. I just wanted to applaud your strength and courage. It's incredibly admirable.
ReplyDeleteKris O.
I can only hope that the children in my life grow into such smart, compassionate and brave people as you two. I'm sorry you have to deal with haters.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering, if you and Rachel don't mind sharing, why two professionals was a criteria? I'm not critical, just curious - was it income, or education, or a combination? Or something else?
Maybe she wanted Ellie to have a chance at higher education. Then, they were raised to believe a woman working outside the home is sinful so she will go the direct opposite of what they were raised to believe. Just because a woman stays home isn't meaning they are under Patriarchy.
DeleteHuh. It never dawned on me to think you were trying to get "points" for sharing the adoptive family's orientation. Good for you sticking to your guns and drawing boundaries to exclude the anonymous critics, and my best to you and Rachel.
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ReplyDeleteOopsies! Double post. *blush*
DeleteOTOH, double support. *firm nod*
I thought about commenting the other day, but I was busy. When I read that you've taken a lot of flack b/c the adoptive parents are gay, I regretted that decision.
ReplyDeleteRachel has every right to make the choice she made, and it's a good one. People should be happy that the baby will be raised by a couple who will love and care for it. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
Don't let ignorance get you down. You and your sister are awesome, amazing, strong women!
The moment I read it I knew the homophobes would be in full attack mode. I grew up fundie and was also taught that homosexuality was wrong. I never bought into it and it was one of the main things that helped me leave my church. I've worked in the childcare field and have witness many loving homosexual families providing homes to all types of children including adoptive, foster-care and disabled. If you and your sister feel satisfied with your decisions then that's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteJust because a person disagrees with the lifestyle isn't indicating a phobia. There are atheists and agnostics who disagree with it.
DeleteThe word "phobia" has nothing to do with religion. Also, the word "homophobic" is not literally meant to be interpreted as "~afraid~ of gay people." It is a word coined and used in common discourse to describe people who are biased against gay people in any number of ways, including people who simply claim to "disagree" with the "lifestyle."
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Delete“Homophobe” is a mean word used to put people down. It is an “ad hominem” argument. It came from an attempt to lump those who disagree with homosexual rights into the same category of bigotry and prejudice as the racists and anti-Semites. ellectric81 is right that it does not refer only to those who are afraid of homosexuality; instead, it is used to shut up any who disagree with the homosexual agenda.
DeleteThis is Ruth’s blog and she can allow or disallow anything she wants, but I think it is unfair to cut off one side of this kind of argument and allow the other. The word “homophobe” should not be used here anymore than a derogatory word should be used toward those who agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I don’t hate homosexuals and I don’t hate those who disagree with what they do. Please let’s keep the mean talk out of this!
Name calling, such as "Fundie" and "Homophobe" is childish and shows that you cannot argue effectively. Grow up.
DeleteThere is a really great video The Bible Tells Me So, http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/for-the-bible-tells-me-so/ (view at that link for free) as well as this dvd Through My Eyes http://www.throughmyeyesdvd.com/ (trailer only) that are just wonderful films about the subject of Christianity and homosexuality.
DeleteChristian teens, even home schooled Christian teens and those called to ministry, can discover they are gay. It's not a lifestyle choice, it's a sexual orientation. Just like I did not choose to have my heart skip a beat when I found myself near a guy I was attracted to, gay people do not choose to be attracted to same gender people. It's not a choice.
It's not a lifestyle either. The Christian kids who tell their stories in Through My Eyes loved God, went to church, read and studied their Bibles, prayed continuously and would never ever choose to sin against God on purpose. They prayed for deliverance and healing, but God sent neither. He didn't change them because they are just fine to God the way they are- human.
Homophobia is not a not a put down. It's a condition in which a person is filled with hostility toward gay people. Not all people who believe homosexuality is a sin are homophobes, but they have likely been influenced by homophobic preachers/comments at one time or another.
I encourage all Christians to view those two films. They are stories of our brothers and sisters in Christ, people we are commanded to love as Christ loved us. The minimum you should do is just let the speak for themselves, hear them out. Jesus would do no less for you.
What about those fearful of religion and hate Christians? There has to be a name for them. Sorry I think homophobe is a put down. If homosexuality is a choice why do they change?
DeleteBaby Ellie is being loved for who she is, and by a great family, who will love teach her how to be herself. Plus, she's going to have a ton of cousins to play with.
ReplyDeleteWith all due respect, this blog isn't believable. We're supposed to believe that a girl who grew up Gothard and got knocked up at a Gothard conference is going to adopt her kid out to a lesbian couple? That's so absurd as to not be believable. It's another in a long list of things in this blog that aren't believable, leading me to believe this blog is a work of fiction.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of reasons to disagree with Gothard and ATI. There are plenty of abuses and outrageous stories out there. But to sit back and make one up is pathetic and unnecessary.
I don't think it's unbelievable at all; quite the contrary. It is very believable. I, for one, choose to trust that Ruth is being truthful about what she posts. I don't have any reason to NOT believe her. I've heard of much more far fetched stories re: the patriarchal lifestyle that turned out to be true, so I have no trouble at all believing that what Ruth has told us is also true.
DeleteThere have been any number of other things that are inconsistent or far fetched. This story is what tips the scales. It's just to far fetched to believe that a kid who grew up in ATI, leaves it a few months before giving birth would hand a kid off to a lesbian couple. Especially so in light of the fact that homosexuals are so widely opposed in ATI. That this is the couple such a person would pick just isn't believable, it's too far fetched, it's too extreme.
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DeleteOh, that's not necessarily true. To be honest, I think it was a deliberate decision to keep Rachel and Ruth's parents, or even Isaiah and his family, from wanting to try to take the baby back into the ATI fold. Rachel herself is already "damaged goods" - it's unlikely, but not impossible, that she would have been welcome back into the ATI lifestyle. I wouldn't put it above her parents to try and get to the baby as a way to recoup their losses - certainly if Rachel placed the baby with a same-sex couple, that child is sullied FOREVER in the eyes of Gothard and ATI-ers. There's no way they would try to get her back, which results in more security and a happier upbringing for baby Ellie.
DeleteGreat points, Megan. I don't think it's far-fetched at all. After all, Rachel was pregnant out of wedlock too, certainly a break from ATI tradition. She obviously is not a committed ATI follower herself, and THANK GOD for it!
DeleteI'm sorry but you all so desperately want to believe this blog, and it's a farce. I too want young women to get away from patriarchal lifestyles, but this story has so many inconsistencies. I wish there was a Better Business Bureau for blogging. I know, I know, like a broken record, I must be ATI. If you question on this blog, you get relegated to the ATI category. I have pointed out huge problems in the blofg's timeline before and got a virtual lashing for doing so.
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ReplyDeleteMaybe I will get my comment right this time.. In some ways you can't blame her whether you agree with this choice or not. It is rather possible she didn't want to take a chance on the baby being raised under the same beliefs and done a complete 360.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the skepticism of stevenbirnspeaks. There are two things that factor in here, though. First, you assume that Rachel agreed with the condemnation her parents used toward others. That is not necessary. These folks may be trying to indoctrinate their kids, but we have already seen that they are doing a poor job of it. Rachel may never have even considered the validity of her parents’ judgments; she may have simply focused on staying out of their gun sights.
ReplyDeleteSecond, based on my own work and from talking with others who counsel those coming out of legalism, there appears to be a significant draw toward those things that were most condemned. One young lady said, “When I left home, the only things familiar to me were the things my dad hated the most. I found myself involved in those things very quickly.” Perhaps because of the constant preaching, the kids only understood what dad considered evil. Once the “right way” was rejected, only the “wrong way” was left.
In other words, this really doesn’t seem out of line. I was aware of the sexual orientation issue the moment I read Ruth’s description of a “non-traditional family.” Yes, this story does get “curiouser and curiouser,” but the truth is often bizarre.
It's not the truth. This blog is the product of someone's imagination. I must say that he or she is quite adept at writing fiction.
DeleteAnyone who writes personal information will be inconsistent over time and judging the blog by the comment section(as you do below) is obviously a flawed argument.
DeleteRuth's story started because it was unusual and it has been popular because it has remained unusual. People are fascinated by stories that are almost too odd. But that only makes it worth reading, not necessarily fiction.
So, do your homework and offer some proof!
One of the funniest examples of the fictional nature if this blog was with the whole Disney trip. Someone asked for Rachel's pre-pregnancy size, and anonymous answered with 10. Now, I suppose we are supposed to believe that her family member answered or what? Did the author get a little excited that there was such a positive response to the baby shower idea?
ReplyDeleteI hope both you and Rachel are taking time to rest and find a new routine. I'm sorry about the backlash you've received - take the good and leave the bad. I hope that the poisonous comments will not sting for long. You are both brave and strong with many good adventures before you. Take the time you need to heal.
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