Monday, April 16, 2012

Sleep is good.

I feel like the last few months have been a roller coaster. People had warned me about the emotional exhaustion that would happen to my sister after adoption; but, I didn't think that exhaustion would inlude me. I didn't give birth. I am exhausted, though. When I'm tired, I don't always think straight. So, with that said, I owe an entire group of people an apology.

As I said in my last post, I understand the doubt. I also made a decision a while ago that, while I understood the doubt, it was something I *chose* to deal with to keep my anonymity. I choose it. I shouldn't be upset when someone voices their cynicism or questions my credibility because I choose it. What can I say other than "I'm sorry for reacting." There's one line of my last post I wish I hadn't said.

That said, I'm human. I'm not perfect and whether I invite it or not, the constant doubt does hurt my feelings at some level. That's MY problem, though, not yours.

FreeJinger is a great place. It serves a necessary purpose for pointing out the snarkable hypocrisy in fundamentalism. I shouldn't be shocked when a few people there turn an eagle eye on my own writings. It's a little bit humbling to see that the very thing you're upset about is the very thing you've participated in. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone with my own hurt feelings.

There are a few things I want to make clear . For whatever reason, I am having trouble with the log in screen of FJ and have had an issue for about a month.
I don't choose anonymity out of a fear of being sued. I chose anonymity because I had/have siblings at home that I worry about. For a variety of reasons, I fear that my putting my name out would send my father into a higher realm of control and damage control that might put my siblings in the path of a moving train. This is also a movement within my parents derive their livelihood. If I out our family now, then there MIGHT be financial consequences beyond the consequences they experience now. It's already bad. I don't want to make it worse. I also choose anonmity because I don't want to go into a job interview where a potential employer could now read about my therapy or my life and, legal or not, use it as an excuse not not to hire me. I've been told that employers are using google, now, too.


  1. I don't think you owe anyone an apology. You are not responsible for what others think, do and feel. You stated your place and that's that. They don't have to read your blog if they don't like what you say.

    I hope you and your sister are doing well.

  2. I hope you and your sister are doing well.

    We're doing as well as you might expect. Rachel was doing so well for the first week and then all of the emotions sort of snowballed. Luckily, the office that handled her adoption is really on the ball about getting her the therapy and support group she needs. She has a woman who has been in her position that is sort of like a mentor and this lady checks on her daily.

    I'm just tired from working full time and school to help support Rachel. The apartment rental is only covered by the adoptive family through six weeks after birth and I'm working as much as possible to save money for that time. I have also applied for a few full time positions for this summer and beyond. Rachel's hoping to get everything in order so she can start looking for work, too.

  3. Ruth your apology isn't necessary. I understand your fears about releasing your identity. If anything I've gotten the sense that you love your siblings very much and would never want your choices to hurt them. Look at what a support you've been for Rachel! Best to you both.

  4. I've read your posts and the FJ site and I have this much to say, I think you're very wise to keep your identity anonymous. There are far too many people out there that would use your real name etc. to hurt or take advantage of you or yours, and not just in Gothard's little world. I also have a blog and I and everyone mentioned in it is anonymous for precisely that reason.

    You don't owe anyone an appology, no one has to believe your story or read it if they don't want to. Having a tip jar is so common as to be a really silly thing to complain over.

    Your drama is not even all that dramatic; trust me, mine is WAY more. What you do have is a powerful story, one where the main character (you) is strong and courageous and proves that we grow and learn everyday and that there is no drama that cannot be overcome with hard work and dedication.

    Keep up the good work, you're doing great and with you as an example so will Rachel.

    1. "Having a tip jar is so common as to be a really silly thing to complain over."


  5. Gosh. You are under no obligation to identify yourself! No apology necessary. I'm sorry you get so much backlash, but the world is full of hateful people who spew hateful things. Protect yourself - and that means protecting your identity.

    I really do enjoy reading your story - I'm glad you have an outlet to share your thoughts and receive some encouragement. I hope you get some rest and you have some time to absorb/process all these emotions and events. You are both strong women and I hope you continue to support and help each other.

  6. I think you've handled everything with remarkable patience and tact. Best wishes to you and those you love.

  7. I hope that you and Rachel have a better job market than mine (and plenty of others') to work with. I don't know if either of you have experience with hotels (or there are any), but housekeeping jobs are good for short-term day jobs -- they usually hire pretty quickly, too (and, in my experience, pay a little higher than minimum wage).

    As for the anonymity...I don't use my real first name on most websites, just for blog comments. Part of that is related to the fact that potential employers will google candidates, and I don't want to give them anything to notice. Even without the parental and (well-off) cult trying to prove you wrong, it's smart to be as anonymous as possible.

    Y'all take care of yourselves, and good luck with jobs and apartments and school.

  8. I wish you and your sister the best. I understand anonymity and people need to understand that. I can understand natural human curiostiy and scepticism, but I would no more put my real name out there than you would.

  9. I'm anonymous on the net as well, except for Facebook, but that account is locked down and only visible to friends. I have some skepticism here, but I think you're for real, I probably won't donate, but I don't tend to do that anyway on the net. I hope that things work out well for you and your sister. You could also contact a temp agency. I did temp work back before I got a permanent job, it was 1990. I could type and had no shortage of reasonably decent paying full-tim jobs (no benefits though.)

  10. You don't owe anyone an apology nor do you need to explain your desire to stay anonymous. Your blog - your rules. If people doubt your story then they can move and not read. Hope you both are getting a lot of rest and downtime when you can. Hang in there!

    Kris O.

  11. Definitely no apologies needed. :-)

  12. I stay anon as well.

  13. Hi Ruth,

    My name is Carmen. I'm a 24-yr-old woman who was raised in a conservative homeschooling family. I left for school when I was 19, have left the movement, and am currently in law school, hopefully preparing for a career in women's rights. I would love to talk to you in a more private forum, perhaps over email? I don't want to question your beliefs or life decisions in any way. I have nothing but respect for you and think you might be interested in a project I and another friend who has left the movement are working on.

    If you are comfortable chatting, please email me at[at]gmail [dot] com.

    All the best to you and your sister!


  14. A temp agency is a great idea! All of the good jobs I have gotten have come through a temp agency. They will do the testing and pre-interviews for the employers and try to place both you and your sister with one that works best with the skills you have.

    A hotel is also a good option if you are not afraid of hard work; I am sure neither of you are considering how you are raised. When I worked in a hotel there was a lot of turn over in the housekeeping area.

    You know what? It has never bothered me that you are not sharing your name. I have always understood your reasons.

  15. Ruth, you're smart to protect your online privacy this way (you're absolutely correct about potential employers). You also don't have to apologize for expressing *your* feelings in *your* journal.

  16. I totally get the anonymous thing! In fact, if I were you, I would google my own name every so often to see what comes up.

  17. You don't owe anyone your identity! This is your blog, your writing, your story, and your life. Just my two cents :).
    I have no idea why anyone would read this and even bother to complain. No one is making them read it. Don't feel bad for one minute about your decisions. They are completely rational especially given your history. I think you are going above and beyond even bothering to explain them to people.

  18. I hate that so many people are attacking you. As if you haven't had to deal with enough in your life.

    Thank you for continuing your blog and continuing your therapy. What you went through was hard and I can't believe there are so many homophobic people hating!

    It's really no one's business who or what you do and they should butt out! Keep one foot in front of the other girl and good luck on your finals. If mine are this week, I know yours can't be far behind!

  19. I haven't read all of the comments or the blog, so if I'm repeating what is already known of has frequently been stated then I apologize in advance.

    I would hazard a guess that at least 75% of the doubters are the minions of the movement you are speaking out about. They are trying to discredit you. They are vile, ignorant, hypocrites and I'm truly sorry you are having to endure them. But you are doing it valiantly.

    Keep on keepin' on "Ruth".


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