Sunday, April 29, 2012
The QF Life
My sister and I have been talking alot about our childhood and some of those things which, at the time, seemed completely normal to us and now seem completely silly. Just little lifestyle things, mainly.
When we were folding laundry the other day, we were giggling about the fact that, as kids, we had to pre-separate the underthings from the regular laundry because one of the boys MIGHT see it. Like our days-of-the-week, flowered underwear would incite a riot of passion in our brothers? Also, as the boys got older, we handled their laundry. Which, as adults now, we're sitting here wondering why our virtue wasn't protected from seeing all the boys nasty underwear? My older brother has shared that he had to "get over" having his wife see his underwear because of all the subliminal messages of evil regarding underwear that we grew up with. We had these little hooks in the back of the closet for hanging bras (when we were finally allowed to wear them) to dry and my brother remembers the first time he saw those and he honestly wasn't sure what they were. Truly, in this day and age, only a Gothard boy would not know what a bra was.
Having bed spreads is another oddity. We didn't have them growing up. Well, we had them, but they weren't ours and they didn't stay on our beds. We had sheets on our beds but the blankets were just folded up and put in a central place during the day. It never made sense. I think there was some justification that we didn't need blankets during the day and they could just be used as a place to hide and do "self-harming" things during the day, so responsible parents kept them in a central place. I don't know if this was all ATI families or just ours? But, I like having a big comfy comforter.
Then we started laughing about the vitamin drink that was popular with ATI folk back in the early 90's. God that stuff was awful. I can't remember the name of it but it was brown, syrupy and cost a fortune: but, we all had to take it. Yuck!
Just life in the ATI.
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Wow. BLANKETS as a tool to "self harm"??? That's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI know my Gram (RIP) never allowed her brothers to see her undergarments (born in 1927), however in her home boys were responsible for their OWN "intimate laundry". My Aunt Eunice (her sister) turned 78 yesterday, and had me bring her incontinence pads into the bathroom, she wrapped them up in three plastic bags because she didn't want any "men" to see the words on the package. Never mind she lives ALONE and it's 2012. So some of the things you describe aren't exclusively QF, many of us "wolves" had grandparents who had the same values.
Also, who would you be allowed to wear bras if you needed them?! I would hing going braless would be immodest! All the jiggling.....not to mention painful!!!
"why wouldn't you be" not "who would you be". BAD iPhone typing!!!!!
DeleteI was wondering the same thing about bras. I would think that QF families would be worried about the thoughts young men might have if the girls were going commando.
DeleteI'm pretty sure that by "self-harming", Ruth means masturbating. But nobody in QF would have dared to utter that word if they could avoid it.
DeleteOh yes I got the "self harm" as code for "masturbation", but who would think BLANKETS would be a masturbation tool. It's a blanket...... I find that hilariously disturbing.
DeleteIt's not that they'd be a masturbation tool. It's that they would allow the kids to masturbate without being as easily discovered.
DeleteDuring Victorian times and part of the 20th century, it was believed curvy chair legs could 'defraud' so the women crocheted or knitted covers for them. Sheets being temptation for 'self-harm- is as ridiculous as Cabbage Patch Dolls being evil.
DeleteOh my!
ReplyDeleteI remember the vitamin drink...we tried to sell it for awhile. We weren't IFB, but were in a kind of fly-by-night fundie shepherding church at the time.
Of course, you silly IFBers could just solve the problem all together by going commando!
At first, I misread the last sentence as, "Just LIKE the ATI." Then I looked again: "brown, syrupy and cost a fortune: but, we all had to take it. Yuck!" Maybe I wasn't too far off.
ReplyDeleteMy family narrowly escaped falling deeply into Gothardism when my sister and I were in college. (We're the two oldest kids, there are six of us all together.) I'm just now learning what we escaped. I left a comment today with a little of my story and why I read blogs like this on Commandments of Men, under the post "The NEW New Reader's Guide to Commandments of Men." It's all the way at the bottom of the page. I don't know if I can link a specific comment, but I'll try:
http://thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com/2012/03/new-new-readers-guide-to-commandments.html?showComment=1335741031119#comment-c6023107841067320389
Part of me really really wants to laugh, but it's being stifled by the portion of me that has my jaw hitting the floor in horror.
ReplyDeleteRuth, in your opinion, is QF/ATI/etc. a way of life that can be sustained beyond your generation? I can't believe you and your other "rebellious" siblings are unique in that world, and that the rate of attrition won't continue to grow. But that's me as an outsider looking in.
I ask because it doesn't seem as though the majority of the people raising their families this way were raised that way themselves. So there's no precedent. There's simply an assumption that if they bring up their children in this manner, the children will automatically continue in this lifestyle. Obviously some of them do, but human nature being what it is, I just don't see how, long term, generation after generation is going to make the decision to stamp out every aspect of their individuality.
Did that make any sense?
I just typed in a long, thoughtful response that included a short history lesson in fundamentalism, but then google ate it. Grrrr.
DeleteLong story short, imho, few will escape without public exposure of what a sham fundamentalist Christianity really is. Fundamentalism has only been around since the early 1900s and is an American invention. My husband's father was a fundamentalist missionary. In the 50s, 60s, 70s the culture was changing rapidly and fundamentalist have done their best to resist. At that time, the only way to truly isolate and indoctrinate your children was to become a missionary. My husband and his siblings are MKs.
In the 70s, church schools sprang up to isolate the children of fundamentalists, but it wasn't until home schooling took off in the 80s that isolation was available to everyone, regardless of income or where a family lived. The religion is completely shame based. Shameful behavior is continually despised and reprimanded, personally and publicly through sermons, school books, devotions, etc. The Christian subculture came of age in the 90s, and now these children are never exposed to any other ways of life or ways of thinking. It is 100% fundamentalism all the time, everywhere they go, on the radio, on the tv (if they have one)- everywhere. Fundamentalist children are thus oriented to AVOID SHAME at all costs. It is literally beaten and brain washed into their psyches.
This is why most of them will just follow the script given them, marry young and immediately have lots of children. This makes it impossible for a woman to leave a marriage, and impractical for a bread-winning father to take time to find his bliss and follow it. So, if a person IS going to escape, it has to happen while they are young, like Ruth and her sister managed to escape. A few couples grow in awareness together, like Permission to Live chronicles on her blog. But most just do as they were told.
For most, the shame is just too much to bear. I guess being pregnant, facing shame head on was the only option for Ruth's sister. That has turned out to be a huge blessing for her! For some, suicide is the only option once they are in a position where shame is unavoidable. For Cody Alexander, homicide seemed like a better plan: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/136234-friends-wife-murdered/
My husband is only facing the pain of his family system because I will leave him if he can't break free of the ensuing depression. The shame of being the first in his family to experience divorce must be avoided at all costs! He is in therapy and on meds, and still two years into this journey of healing he is just now dealing with the shame. He has such a deep sense of shame. It's very sad.
I on the other hand was sucked into fundamentalism as a young Christian in my early twenties. I swallowed it whole and thought I was so lucky to be marrying into such a godly family. Little did I know what I was really getting into. On the outside, they pretend to love God, love Jesus, love people, but it's all just words.
In reality, they love their sub-culture, because they are so conditioned to avoid shame that they have no other choice. They don't so much love it as live in great fear of being found out as less than perfect fundamentalists. This is why they are mobilized to hate anything the subculture calls shameful: if they were to be associated with that shame personally, well, that just must be avoided at all costs. Any person or belief shamed from the pulpit, they will hate with a passion. Better you, stranger, bear the burden of being shamed and hated, than me, unworthy sinner that I know myself to be in my heart of hearts.
I hope our country survives. Now I know why people call AFA, FRC, and FotF hate groups. They really are.
WOW. Thank you so much for your truly thoughtful response. This was an education in and of itself, and I'm afraid I only THOUGHT I was horrified before. What an awful way to live...
DeleteHas anyone seen this article by Jimmy Carter on why he was separating from the Southern Baptist Convention?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jul/12/jimmy-carter-womens-rights-equality
An excerpt:
"The truth is that male religious leaders have had - and still have - an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world. This is in clear violation not just of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights but also the teachings of Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, Moses and the prophets, Muhammad, and founders of other great religions - all of whom have called for proper and equitable treatment of all the children of God. It is time we had the courage to challenge these views."
What would he think of Quiverfull and ATI???
The brown syrupy stuff maybe Castor oil. It reminds me of the two moon shining ladies on the Waltons who called moonshine 'papa's tonic'.
ReplyDeleteThat would be the Baldwin Sisters. LOVED them.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPrhm3i3lIg
ReplyDeleteHey, just wondering if you'd heard anything about the formerly-QF couple who recently appeared on Jezebel: http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/2012/04/unwrapping-onion-introduction.html
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting story to be sure, and they sound much better off now. I don't know that you'd have anything in particular to say about it, but it did put QF/ATI back on some people's radar, so heads-up that maybe you'll be getting a flood of new readers.
have you (or anyone else knowledgeable about QF) read this
ReplyDeletehttp://www.amazon.com/Pajama-School-homeschool-graduate-ebook/dp/B004D9FF2W/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
It's written by a girl who supposedly grew up in a homeschooling family that followed ATI and was involved in various of Gothard's programs in a leadership role, but it's much more the "typical" homeeschool family (that is, the family was involved in homeschool co-ops and groups, attended a church outside the home, it sounds like the mother actually taught and parented their children, etc). I was almost wondering, while reading, if it was written as a sort of "Reverse propaganda" for Gothard. (I wouldn't suggest paying $10 for it-it was available free so there are likely to be a lot of people who can loan it-myself included)
Hoping you're both doing well, and that the "blog silence" just means you and Rachel are busy living your lives (work, classes, re-bonding) and haven't had so much internet time. Take care, Ruth & Rachel! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Ruth! Im a new reader. I actually stayed up really late last night pouring through your blog. I am from a former ATI family as well. I left our homechurch when I was 18 and I have never looked back! Even though I dont know you, I feel very proud of you for getting out and doing awesome things with your life! Hope you have a great day!
ReplyDelete