I've seen my therapist twice this week and I'm feeling better. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am very angry. Growing up the way I did, that's not an easy admission. Anger was considered a "selfish emotion". Never let the sun go down on your wrath and all of that. That might be a wise instruction- if you have a way to confront your anger in a managable, productive manner. I don't have that and it was never appropriate for me to show my anger, so now I'm having to find ways to show it and deal with it.
My dad will never apologize to me. If he does, it will be icing on the cake, but I'm not going to expect it. That doesn't change that fact that I am owed an apology!
I'm angry about a whole list of things but chief among those things is:
1. My childhood being abbreviated to serve the family.
2. My feelings being trivialized.
3. My pleas being ignored.
4. My individualism being sacrificed for the "greater good".
5. My education being sub par.
6. My father not loving us as he should have.
What I do about this anger is still up in the air. For me, just acknowledging it publicly is a huge step.
How do you channel your anger? I'm open to ideas.
On NoLongerQuivering, someone asked about Lisa Welchel's version of the obedience game. LW, according to the poster, has written that she occasionally denies her children the permission to use the restroom. The commenter said, "Why would anyone do that?"
I can speak from experience. My parents did this, too. They claimed that it was about learning self control and denying your physical urges. The belief was that if you could withhold the urge to need a restroom, you could withhold the need to satiate other physical desires. I was told that it was part of purity training because, some day, we'd have to practice controlling our need to self-gratify sexually or have physical relations before marriage. It was also used to get us to do things under our parents command. We had a bathroom schedule. If you had to use the bathroom at other times, you were supposed to get express permission. Our parents were supposed to know everything we did, down to bathroom habits. Just in my house, we had timers in the bathroom. The door could never be locked and you couldn't spend more than two minutes in the bathrooom for urinating or defecating. Showers were five minutes and you had to have someone of the same sex in the room with you, sitting outside the shower, so that you weren't tempted to use that time for "unpure purposes". It didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time because I was usually helping a littler sister wash her hair or someone was getting themselves undressed for bathing while I was bathing. Now I see how crazy it was.