Can depression come in cycles? I think it must because I'm back in that dark place again. I have a nice guy. I'm making progress in school and with therapy, so I should be happy. Right? I should be. I have food in my belly and a place to live. I have friends (like you, readers).
Today, I started thinking about my dad's responses here and the things he's told my brothers about me. After I wrote Part 11, he went phone crazy and called each of my siblings, and I'm sure he questioned the siblings at home, to ask them about Martin. My dad was sure I was lying about the pantry incident. I guess he didn't get what he was bargaining for because my brother confirmed that Martin did inappropriate things with other kids he knew and my dad started accusing my brother of being 'poisoned' by my negativity. Now I'm poisonous?
A commenter said something like, "you probably picture your dad when you picture God" and she's right. I am having a hard time with my faith. I keep hoping that God has a purpose for the struggling people like me have experienced (and worse). That's really difficult to believe - that a god would punish people or make them suffer for His purposes. That depresses me. But I don't want to be one of those people who loses faith and belief because they're angry or confused. If I don't believe, I want to not believe based on better reasons than that.
I'm getting stressed about summer, too, and I know that's not helping. I'm going to miss Harris. I'm going to have to find a place to live, with roommates I guess. I neeed to find a job. I might nanny but I worry about how well I'll do with children.
I'm sorry for this post. It's mostly complaining. I hope you're all having a great day.