Happy Valentine's Day! Since y'all are the closest thing to friends I have, I wanted to send you best wishes for Valentine's Day.
A few questions and then a note about my sister.
May I ask a question, Ruth? Did you ever become very close with a sibling you helped to raise so that you felt the baby was your baby instead of your sibling?
Yes. That's, frankly, what kept me in my family as long as it did. My mom wasn't a hands-off mom, but the demands of ATI/Homeschooling and the demands of meeting my father's needs were so great that she just couldn't get around to meeting all of our emotional needs. As the oldest girl in the family, I did feel like I was tagged as a substitute mother. Rachel and Rani will always feel less like my sisters and more like my children. Rebekka and I were close enough in age that I didn't have to take on an emotional role in her early childhood. Rachel and Rani were handed off to me almost exclusively. That's also why I have such a deep-seeded need to protect the two of them.
How can we help?
Your emotional support is worth more than anything!
Any tips I have received since the first Rachel post has gone to Rachel. I have noticed that people here are saying they left something for me- thank you, but Rachel needs this so much more than I do. Please don't feel like you have to tip me.
How is Rachel? Did she decide on adoption?
Rachel is feeling well, physically. She had an anatomy scan on Thursday and found out that she's having a girl! My brother's boss went with her and said that it seemed like the ultrasound actually resolved Rachel in her decision to place for adoption. I spoke to Rachel later and she confirmed that. Rachel isn't choosing adoption because she has to (I know some people are concerned about that). She's, at this point, choosing adoption because she's seeing a bigger picture. Rachel is, emotionally, where I was several years ago. She's just left a place where she wasn't treated like an adult or expected to make any adult decisions. She's just left a headspace where she wasn't allowed to; choose her own clothes, go out of the house alone (EVER!), listen to a radio, watch a television, or do anything without asking my father for his authorization. While she could physically care for a child (change diapers, nurse, or whatever), she has very real concerns about meeting the emotional needs of a child when she's really needing care herself. She's wanting to grow up first and find someone to share her life with before having a family. She trusted someone she shouldn't have and, from what I hear, didn't realize what they were doing was what would get her pregnant (as far off as that sounds). She's trying to do the best she can for her and this baby.
We have managed to secure basic legal aide for her for free. This law office is working to find a lawyer specializing in open adoption for her. Rachel really does NOT want to go through an agency. She's spoke with several and everything near her has a large religious component. One even told her that she was a cultist and that they would ensure her baby was "raised in the light". As you might imagine, this scared the crap out of Rachel. She wants the baby to end up with a good family, with a strong support system, and no fundmentalist leanings of any sort. So there we are.
With a private adoption there are opportunities to place with parents who will help with the expenses during the pregnancy. I'll keep fingers and toes crossed that Rachel is able to find a couple who will do that for her WITHOUT bringing the crazy!
ReplyDeleteThere is not a doubt in my mind that your sister is going to have a good life. She's demonstrating strength that will carry her through anything and everything.
As for the tip jar, the funds I've put in are for you to use as you want. If you feel they all need to go to Rachel, then go for it. If you want to hold back a couple of bucks for a much needed and deserved jar of Nutella, more power to you. I trust your judgment. :-)
About the donations? What jennl777 just said.
ReplyDeleteI've said this before, but it sounds like Rachel is making sensible decisions based on honest self-assessment. So, Rachel? Go, you!
I'm amazed at the heads you two have on your shoulders, given your past. The maturity of you both astounds. All best for you, her, the baby and her future non-fundie, loving and encouraging family!
ReplyDeleteI wish Rachel all the best. It sounds like she's making a very loving, mature (though difficult) decision. Please be aware, however, that open adoption agreements aren't legally enforceable in most states. You can find more information on this topic at http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/cooperative.cfm , including a link to state-specific adoption laws (although the link says that Arkansas law does not address the enforceability of open adoptions).
ReplyDeleteNone of this is meant to dissuade Rachel from surrendering the baby. It's just that she deserves as much information as she is willing to have, so she can make a fully informed choice.
It sounds like Rachel has a good head on her shoulders, much like her sister :)
ReplyDeleteI can completely understand why/how she wouldn't know that what they were doing was baby-making. There were a few girls I knew growing up who thought that sex was making out naked lying down - nothing more. The only reason I really knew much different is because I became curious/terrified when I was 18 and decided to research (and that is NOT the way anyone should find out).
Love to you both.
OMG!! I thought that and I didnt grow up in a fundy environment! My mom was not just real specific about the logistics of sex. Too funny. I had to look up "intercourse" in a dictionary to find out what it was.
Delete-- MG
Rachel's maturity in the face of such a difficult situation is really inspiring.
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day to you Ruth!
ReplyDeleteRachel, you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart. You will go far in life. You're already more insightful and honest with yourself than a few adults I know, and that will help you make the right choices for yourself now that you're able. I hope you find a wonderful family for your baby, and that you find a path that makes you truly happy. Any parents should be proud to have a daughter like you-- don't believe anyone who tells you different.
ReplyDeleteDear Ruth, you and your sister sound so wise and amazing. I hope Rachel knows she is a good person and your father and mother fell down on the job, they're supposed to give her the tools to protect herself from good looking, sweet talking scoundrels. No offense but it sounds like they are self indulgent and not really capable of handling what they decided to take on, because apparently they're not succeeding in what they set out to do. Actually, again, no offense but it sounds like your father is exhibiting sociopathic behavior, he is incapable in accomplishing anything and coerces other people into doing all his work for him. I know someone like that, utterly lazy and always complained of problems, never lifted a finger while his wife took care of the kids and he just sat around, blaming everyone for his problems, holding grudges, dragging things out through the courts because he couldn't get his own way. Manipulative and leading an unexamined life. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, this disorder is fairly common and the problem is there is something physically missing from your father, and he probably is fully aware and has been spending his life covering up his secret. That's why he can't help you, he isn't capable of that because it's that part of people that makes them feel empathy, remorse, and love, either oxytocin or whatever it is that simply isn't there In your father. By leaving him, you're blowing his cover and he needs to blame you for that. I mean you don't know me and it may be none of my business but that's how it looks to me. Across all these miles and cultural divides and over the Intertubes, I do care about you and your sister and her daughter and I wish you all the very best.
ReplyDeleteYour sister sounds very wise. As a mother of 2 adopted children your sister I know will find a loving open family. Then Rachel can focus on healing and becoming the person she is meant to be.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I will pray that God will bring the people that are meant to raise your baby straight to your doorstep, shine a giant spotlight, and say "THIS IS IT!!" Never in a million years did I expect that, and it's exactly what happened. You can SOOO do this!
ReplyDeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for your sister!!
Do you have an email address that I can email you or could you email me? My email address is anaturalchildmomma@yahoo.com
Thank you.
Great big hugs to both of you. Rachel, I'm in awe of your strength and courage. You're in my prayers daily for healing for everything that you've been through.
ReplyDeleteAs a Mom by adoption I say "thank you" to your sister for her sacrifice. No clap-trap about choosing life--just THANK YOU for letting your baby be adopted. It's a tough choice, but Mom's like me go to our graves grateful for becoming mother's thru adoption. I am praying for her in the best way (not to return home or anything stupid like that)--for a safe, healthy pregnancy and safe birth of a healthy baby who will be EXTRA-loved by a caring birth mom and adoptive parents who may have waited years for this baby.
ReplyDeleteI just have a question - why do you spell your sister Rebekka's name so many different ways? Earlier, you would spell it Rebekkah. Other times, you shortened it, but instead of "Bekka" or "Bekkah", you used "Becca"?
ReplyDeletepossibly because it's not her sister's real name so she is just writing what comes to mind at the time? i don't blame her for not using real names
DeleteI just wanted to say that, if there hadn't been a lot of encyclopedia's in my home (my brother collected them) i would not have known anything at all about sex or reproduction either...i wouldn't have known what my period was and freaked out if i hadn't been at a friend's house when it happened and her mom taught me about it
ReplyDelete