I've had many, many e-mails asking me how I am doing. Thank you for your concern. I think with everything that is going on with Rachel, I haven't had much time to worry about my own problems (which seem insignificant when compared to hers). Mostly, I'm fine. I'm just tired. I go to school. Go check on Rachel. Go back to school or study. Go to work. Go to the grocery store or go make dinner w/Rachel and then go sleep. In some way, I feel like a husband. LOL I'm not complaining, though. I see what Rachel is going through and I'm even more set in my desire to not have children. I watched my mother go through several pregnancies but there was a certain detachment because I was a child and she was an adult. Now I'm adult and I'm watching another adult go through it and............it doesn't look like fun.
If I can make it to Spring Break (which is coming up soon), I'll be okay. Next term won't be so difficult academically.
Does your sister know what she's having? Yes! A girl. She's about 32 weeks.
Has Rachel chose a family? Not, yet. She's thinking about the couples that have been presented to her and she'll be meeting with two of them next week.
Have you talked to Harris at all? I see him around and we've had casual conversations. We don't hate each other.
She's cutting it close!!!!!! I call bullshit. She doesn't have a family and the baby could come any day? Yeah right!
ReplyDeleteOh, well, if that's the case, I'll hop on right down to the hospital where my friend is staying and tell her that her baby and the subsequent adoption weren't real/didn't count because she found the parents with a couple weeks to spare.
DeleteOr not, because I'm not an ass. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, whoever you are.
What a baseless, ignorant remark. My brother and his wife got the call to come adopt their baby boy on the day he was born. The mother set up the adoption from the hospital waiting room while she was in labor.
DeleteAny agency or adoption attorney will have a waitlist of families ready to adopt at a moment's notice. Even if the baby isn't adopted until after it's born, foster families care for them while adoptions are arranged. Last-minute changes of heart (in either direction) are common with such an emotional situation.
For shame.
I don't think it's the comment on not having a family picked out by 32 weeks that is the most ignorant part of this guy's statement.
DeleteThinking a pregnancy can end any day at 32 weeks is the most ignorant. A pregnancy is supposed to last 40 weeks. That's 8 more weeks to go. Not any day - 56 days, actually.
A baby born at 32 weeks is premature, and going to be spending some time in NICU.
What a serious idiot.
Lauren H.
She *is* "cutting it close", as you say. I think everyone realizes that she's cutting it close. But, rushing through this decision will serve no one's best interests. I trust my sister. She'll do what's best and choose who's best. The parents who are on her short list are all prepared to take the baby within the next six to ten weeks. Both of the families she's meeting next week understand the situation she's coming out of and the situation with the baby's biological father. Everyone's taking it one step at a time. How would panic or rushed decisions make this less "bullshit"? As for the baby coming "any day", let's hope not! She's not due until April 24th.
ReplyDeleteBut what is the situation with the baby's biological father? Has he consented to an adoption?
DeleteIf he's denying paternity, does he get a vote on what happens to the baby?
DeleteIs Issiah going to officially deny paternity or whatever so the adoption can go through? He probably needs to sign a legal document of some sort.
DeleteI LOVE how you say that you trust your sister.
DeleteConsidering that you have, as women, been so devalued throughout your lives, showing that you find Rachel of such value that you TRUST her, speaks volumes of how far YOU have come. And I hope that your trust in your sister, helps her spirit and soul rise up and feel valued.
Hi Ruth,
DeleteI wanted to add another question about Isaiah. I don't know any Quiverful/ATI families personally and, while I was also home schooled by a conservative Christian mother, my dad was actually a high school biology/anatomy and physiology teacher at one point (yes, even as a creationist :p), so we were all taught the scientific method, to always ask "how" and "why?", etc. From comments you've made in the past, I'm wondering how much trust Isaiah's family would put into a DNA test. When the results come back as positive, will he accept that he *is* the father of the baby? Will his parents? I'm not sure if that would be better or worse in the long run, but I have been mulling it over as I've caught up with your account of your sister's pregnancy.
Regardless, I hope that you are both doing well and that your niece is growing and enjoying her time in utero before meeting the world. :)
I'm the commentor above; my brother and his wife adopted a baby boy whose mother lied about the paternity. It turns out the father had NOT terminated his parental rights. What followed was a six-month nightmare, with the father's parents' pressuring him to claim the baby so they (the grandparents) could raise it themselves. This is a heartbreakingly common problem. Some adoptive families have had their children taken away months or years later due to consent issues.
DeleteClearing consent with Isaiah IS the best path to avoid future heartbreak. Social services and foster families will care for the baby (in someone's home) if there is no adoption lined up for the moment she's born.
ok for those who don't know this...when you choose to place your baby for adoption and the baby comes before a family is chosen, there is a thing called interim care. They are temporary homes for babies while a family is chosen.
DeleteAnd, for you information, I placed my baby for adoption 4 years ago...and the family was chosen 4 days before my baby was born. I actually went to the adoption agency 1.5 weeks before I went into labor with him.
Wow...that's a TROLL or a family member (probably both)!
ReplyDeleteBe careful Ruth, I worry about both of your saftey now that the "lid" is being blown on this cult!
Prayers and Hugs,
Sue
Gads, if she's 32 weeks that baby had better NOT come "any day"!!! Seems to me she's got plenty of time to decide and no, that sure isn't a decision to be rushed.
ReplyDeleteRuth, you're up to your eyeballs in emotional situations, and I am NOT suggesting you don't know your own mind. BUT (and you knew that was coming ;-), don't give a permanent "no" to the kid-thing yet. I don't blame you one iota for feeling the way that you do (who wouldn't???), but let yourself have some distance from all this, meaning you finish school, start your career/adult life, get your feet squarely under you. Save the huge life-altering decisions for then. You've got enough on your plate now. ;-)
Glad things are going well and VERY glad you and Harris are handling things like adults. BTW, you're not a husband. You aren't sitting on a couch with a beer watching basketball. ;-D (Apologies to the husbands on here; you know I'm kidding!!!)
Hi Ruth. I am glad to hear you are doing alright. You need to take care of yourself too! Make sure you rest and eat properly :).
ReplyDeleteYou and only you can decide if having children is right for you. Nothing wrong with not wanting them (I am child-free myself). I am glad your sister has you and isn't going through this alone. She has got to be scared poor thing.
For anyone who has even researched adoption, they would know that it's pretty common for the birth mother to pick a family close to the time of the birth. And you know what? Adoptive families sign into this process with the full understanding that they may get a call at the last second and need to hop on a plane to go get the baby. And the adoptive families happily do this for a chance to raise a child. So it's unnecessary to call bullshit on the timing. Rachel's got 2 more months or so, and that's plenty of time to choose a family.
ReplyDeleteYeah, anonymous troll is the asshole here. I had to evict my kid at 40 weeks. I'm guessing this person doesn't realize you aren't actually pregnant for 9 months, but nearly 10.
ReplyDeleteRE: Having kids. I've got a daughter who also does not want to have kids, and I fully support her as I don't believe having babies is the purpose of a woman's life. But, don't forget--and I'm sure you realize because of what your sister is doing--that you don't have to go through pregnancy to be a mom. You can adopt as well! (My daughter's objections run along the same lines as yours, and admittedly, pregnancy can be a trying experience, as can childbirth.)
@Anonymous the first on this thread: Why are you calling bullshit?
ReplyDeleteRachel probably didn't twig she was pregnant for quite a while. Ignorant though no fault of her own, you know? Then there was probably the terrfied sick period while she realised and didn't dare say. Then there were the weeks before it was obvious, when she probably had to hide it in plain sight. Then there was the 'OMG you're pregnant' accusatory period with the family. Then there was the having to get out period, living with brother's boss. Then there was the having to run yet again period. Why couldn't she be 32 weeks quite reasonably?
Friend of my older daughter's had glandular fever. (You call it mono in the USA, I think) About the same time she got pregnant. Didn't realise till 25 weeks. She was so ill anyway, it just got sidelined - the lack of menstruation was put down to the weight she'd lost. (The baby was very small.)
It's perfectly possible. Have a little charity, do, or if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Good luck and best wishes, Rachel and Ruth both. I have teenage daughters, 19 and 16. Love and hugs from this mother in England.
I get so angry when I think about how Rachel has been treated by her dad: according to Ruth, Rachel knows very little about a woman's biology. How can she have been expected to know/understand Isaiah's sin against her, or even what her body was telling her in the first weeks and months of pregnancy? And her dad blames Rachel? He's such a poor father, not at all providing the basic of education which Rachel needed from a loving father. Dad only loves himself, that's evident!
Delete"She doesn't have a family and the baby could come any day?"
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't need to choose a family yet. She can take as long as necessary, including waiting till after the birth. There's no shortage of people willing to adopt a healthy white infant, even one who's a few weeks old (not that I'm suggesting she should wait that long).
I'd be shocked if she had already selected a family. She is going to place a child in this family for life. It's a huge decision and one that has alot of factors involved. She has to be comfortable with them and they have to be comfortable with her. My husband was surrendered at birth and didn't go to his adoptive family until he was 3 months old (granted, this was 40 years ago). It is not uncommon to take your time. She is going to create a new family with her gift of a child. It will be the most permanent and lasting gift she will ever bestow onto her child. I think its important for her to make the choice in her own time.
ReplyDeleteI hope your sister has some good support for after the baby comes and is then gone. Women who surrender their babies, even completely willingly, suffer PTSD symptoms for years. It's incredibly traumatic to go through pregnancy and child birth and then not go home with a baby. A large part of the problem being that there are few resources for them and no one talks about it. The adoption world has little interest in them after they've done their part, beyond a pat on the back with a "you did a good thing", which is not surprisingly completely inefficient.
ReplyDeleteNot that she shouldn't do it, but she (and those around her) need to be aware of what's going to come up after.
Thank you for this reminder. People need to realize that adoption isn't the right choice for everyone and that it comes with its own host of problems and traumas and those need to be talked about. I feel the birth mother and her needs are forgotten about a lot of the time. (Not in this specific case, of course.) I hope Rachel will have the support and resources she needs if she experiences PTSD or anything of the sort.
Deletebasically you are a co-partner with ruth right now. just like her baby's father would be if he were in her life. or like her mom and dad would be if they were helping support her and the coming baby.
ReplyDeletemy coworker's daughter had a baby as a teen, and even though she was the grandmother techincially, my cowoker basically became a mom right along with her daughter, coping with sleeplessness, financial, emotional, healthcare, and everything.
having a baby, really does take two (or more), because it's so much work. and if the child's father isn't there, someone else in that mom's life can become her co-parent whether its a sister, parent, or best friend.
even though you may not get the parenting credit, you are an essential part of the family support system. many kudos to you for stepping up!
sorry ruth, i meant that you are a co partner with your sister...in the above comment.
ReplyDeleteAnon at 12:30pm on 29 February: I don't doubt that you're right that many birth mothers DO have PTSD, but many don't. My sister did not. I urge you to be careful. If Rachel is one of the ones who does not, the statement that "Women" do experience this could cause her needless guilt. She has so many other serious issues to deal with in her life after escaping the cult; it very well may be that her psyche prioritizes things and she has relatively little difficulty.
ReplyDeleteAlso a good point. It all boils down to letting Rachel and Ruth do what is best for them. They know better than anyone what they need--even if Rachel is only just starting to be able to make her own choices. Some women get PTSD, some feel completely fine, some fall in the middle somewhere. There is NO wrong reaction to pregnancy, whether it's keeping the baby, placing it for adoption, or choosing abortion. Everyone reacts differently, and that is totally fine!
DeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteGood to hear you doing okay and that you and Harris are polite to each other. It's always hard to see the ex for a while after a break up. As a childless person who told her mom at 16 there would be no kids for me, I support not having kids. But you are young. And when (if) you meet that guy who makes your toes curl, you might decide a little Ruth would make the world complete. The point is, you DON'T HAVE to have kids. It's up to you.
Has Rachel made up a list of questions she might want to ask prospective parents? It might be hard to get in a room with strangers and remember the important things she'd like to know. I would suggest some open ended questions, so she can get a decent ideal of what the people are like. ("What kind of religious life do you have?" versus "I grew up in a batshit crazy fundie family and I want my daughter to wear pants, play sports, and not have someone pick her husband"). Personally, I would also ask silly questions like what is the best childhood memory you have of your family? I think things like that are revealing in a way. I always remember my grandmother buying a new loaf of bread so we could go feed ducks in the park. It might help break the ice and help her see past the nervous people who want to adopt her child.
She might want to think of things that are important to her and find a way to ask open ended questions. Just a suggestion. I wish you both the best.
32 weeks is not any day.
ReplyDeleteDoes Anonymous not know how long a pregnancy is? She's got another 8 weeks at least, so 2 months.
She has plenty of time to think about who she wants this baby to be raised by.
Lauren H.
Yes, she needs to take the time she needs. That first poster does sound like an ATI troll of some sort. If the baby did come now, she'd have to be in the hospital for awhile anyway, and most likely it will be at least 5 or 6 weeks or more anyway.
ReplyDeleteI was adopted, and my birth mother didn't even know she was pregnant until she was seven months along! My parents had applied for adoption long before I came along, but they were actually called and told to come down to meet me before they made a final decision. I spent the first two weeks of my life in foster care but apparently the whole thing happened as fast as my parents meeting me, deciding, and the papers being signed. I remember a story about my mom calling family members and asking what she should go get for a baby in a hurry, because she and my dad were prepared but not 100% prepared. They had a shower a few days later and got a lot of the things they needed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, at 32 weeks let's hope the baby doesn't come any day! Sheesh!
Hey, you and Rachel are dealing with a LOT right now. Infrequent blogging is totally okay.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as others have mentioned: a birth at 32 weeks is either a very lucky baby or will involve time in the NICU. Hopefully Rachel and the baby will stay good and healthy, and it will be at least eight weeks before things happen :)
I don't know WHAT to say! I stumbled across your blog today and read it from 2009 to present day. If your life were a novel, people would say your story was farfetched and unbelievable, yet here you are! I have to say how much I respect and admire you, which is really strange because I didn't know you existed 24 hours ago! Like you, I was raised by a bullying and scary father. He bore no resemblance to the smiley, helpful persona he assumed at church three times a week. I still struggle with the physical abuse I received by him. He died suddenly when I was a young woman, well over 20 years ago. I can say that I've truly never missed him. Because of his treatment of me, seeing God as a "father" grossed me out and I wanted no part of that relationship. I was a believer, mind you, but I couldn't even see God as Father until I was 36, because my relationship with my earthly father was so warped. You are remarkably grounded considering the madness you were surrounded by for so long. You commented on one of your posts about college taking so long. I see you as tenacious. You have said you aren't interested in having children. That's your decision of course. I would add, though, that in both my life and the lives of several of my dear friends who lived through abusive childhoods, you can turn around how children are reared in one generation. We've all done it - we survived the abuse and are in the process of raising kids who know they are deeply loved and valued. The thing I would tell you that you may need to hear most is that you are PRECIOUS to God. How I wish someone would've told me that years ago! He loves you. He's not chronically disgusted with you. The Bible says that he's loves us more than earthly parents. I would throw myself on a live grenade for my kids, yet He loves us more! All this to say, I'm excited to read what you do next. You are a true survivor :)
ReplyDeleteDitto on everything Rainbow said!!! God loves you and He's not a God of bondage and legalism and He doesn't ask blind obedience. You are great and I am cheering you on, along with everyone else here. and you are right - your dad is reaping seeds sown as he sees his children walk away from him one at a time.
DeleteWay to go Ruth and Rachel - I'm so glad you have eachother!
Whatever to the jerk who commented about cutting it close. Most potential birth parents do not make a final decision until close to delivery. This is a life altering decision, and Rachel as this baby's mother has every right to take as much time as she needs to make an adoption plan that is right for her and her baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep praying for you both in the days and weeks ahead, you are both going through so much right now.
I know this has probably been mentioned before, but as a nurse I really want to say: PLEASE encourage Rachel to go to a birthing class. The whole experience will be much less traumatic for her if she knows what to expect. Pretty much all of our local hospitals have them, and her doctor's office should be able to give her a referral. You should go to the classes with her if you're going to be with Rachel when she delivers. She'll need someone who is calm and familiar if she starts freaking out.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything goes well in school and with Rachel. Good luck with the two couples this week!
May I suggest that Rachel not have the prospective adoptive parents in the room when she gives birth? It can be incredibly emotionally coercive and if she changes her mind she will probably be made to feel guilty to not hand over the baby. These tactics are well known to prospective adopters. She needs to make sure that this decision is all hers.
ReplyDeleteI am just sending you a note to say that i am thinking of you. I hope that you and Rachel are both well. You are both incredibly strong human beings.
ReplyDeleteI recommend this for a few reasons. First of all, they will set her up with immediate help getting employment or job training, and they will also refer her to technical training for positions in a number of fields (office, allied health, or respite care) while providing at least partial coverage of the fees involved. I don't know how it works in other states, but my Vocational Rehab counselor actually got me a voucher for a private driving instructor when I had a bad experience with the driver's ed. program at the local high school. They aren't kidding when they say it's necessary for employment - I now drive to and from babysitting jobs and my constant part-time position as a care attendant, where I also drive the little girl to many of her doctors' and physical therapy appointments.
ReplyDeleteThey will also help with school, in some cases. When I started taking community college courses, my college fund was $2,000 left to me by an older, deceased friend of my parents. This paid for roughly two full courses and books as well as providing a good portion of the tuition money for a third class. This, mind you, is in a state that is actually ranked 50th on a listing of "States who help students fund their education." Still, even with the reasonable price of my community college classes, I wouldn't have been able to pay for my third and fourth classes if Voc Rehab hadn't assisted me. (Far from being unwilling, my mom literally didn't have time to sit down and fill out a FAFSA with me between working full time and before a single parent. My dad's spotty employment history also made that an option I avoided.) I did pay the full price when I took English Composition II and had to retake Website Development, and I did pay for the two classes I'm taking this semester with a payment plan, but if my case hadn't been closed (a.k.a. I found continued employment) they would probably still be helping me. If your sister wanted to take a career-preparation focus with further education, they would probably pay at least half her tuition while she got an associate's degree in education, human services, office management, allied health, or several other degrees.
If she goes to school part-time, the community college tuition is usually doable even without aid - IF room and board is a given. She could try a situation like the summer you spent nannying (although I'm sure you would want to caution her and make sure she has a written agreement), or she could also try joining a homeshare. You can go to homeshare.org to learn more about what this is, but basically, many people have either reached an age where they can't maintain a house by themselves or have too much house and need help paying the bills. In some cases rent is required, but not always. Again, she would probably want to meet with a prospective housemate several times and seek free/cheap legal counsel about getting some sort of legal contract in place before moving, but it can often be a great idea for those who can't set up in apartments without struggling to break even. And if she doesn't want to be around a family unit where she would have to interact with a father/husband, there are single and elderly people who do this too. You won't know whether this is popular or available in your area until you look into it via something like Craigslist or homeshare.org, though. :)
Hope some of these ideas help. God bless you, your sister, and your niece.
I think the first half of my comment was lost. :( I'm sorry. The name of the resource I suggested is Vocational Rehabilitation - you may have an equivalent in your state.
DeleteThere's something called Job Corps that's similar, and I think they're just about everywhere. Some of them even have dorms, although whether or not Rachel would want to try that and be away from her family is her call.
DeleteHeehee! 32 weeks is "Anyday"? That's funny! I fairly recently had a baby (I say fairly cause he's 4 months old now) and went camping 4 hours from where I live with my midwife's blessings when I was 32 weeks along. That was Labor Day weekend and he wasn't born till November 7th (due on Halloween!).
ReplyDeleteSo she's got plenty of time still to find some adoptive parents! And believe me, that last month just craaaawls on by! If anything, looking at adoptive parents will keep her good and busy and might keep her mind off just how long it's taking for the baby to come out.