Friday, February 10, 2012

Men or boys?

Before I start getting into this post, I want to thank those who have donated something for Rachel. I transferred the money to my brother today and he will get it to Rachel. Rachel also wants to thank you. She plans to use the money for some more modern maternity clothes. Also, thank you for the legal references. Rachel and my brother went to the Social Services offices and contacted the free legal aid office that someone had listed here or at freejinger. They were able to help answer her questions and draft a letter to Isaiah's family telling them that she plans to put the baby up for adoption and seeking Isaiah's confirmation(?) that the baby "can't be his" (even though we all know it is).

This brings me to my rant. I hope every ATI family reads this post and sees this lifestyle and "ministry" as the sham that it is. In this situation, we have an ADULT MALE (by law) acting like a child! A spoiled, pampered child who, because of fear from his parents or fear of being cast out of this "ministry", won't own up to his responsibilities. I have no doubt that Isaiah is scared. You know what? My sister is terrified and she can't hide this pregnancy as he can. She's living it while he goes about his merry way. Word on the street is that he's hurriedly began courting another young woman. I feel sorry for her. She'll never know that "the one God had for her" had someone else. Courtship can work, I suppose. But treating grown men and women like foolish children is ridiculous because it allows them to face the responsibility as children do ("let mommy and daddy fix this"). What crap!

I'm actually glad his family isn't owning this for one reason: Rachel deserves far better and so does her child! God forgive them- because I won't.

35 comments:

  1. Wow. Haven't been here in awhile. I'm sorry to hear about Rachel's hardships and I am praying for her and all the people helping her. Good will from down South, SS

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  2. I am a big advocate of the truth. You may not always like it, but it can be a person's biggest strength. DNA is a sort of truth. It tells us who we are in a very basic and fundamental way. DNA will always and forever mark your sister and Isaiah together in a bond that is passed down through that child and their bloodline. Your sister should hold her head high if she makes decisions based on what she thinks is best. In 20 years, this child may want to talk to her and Isaiah. Life is unpredictable and you never know what may happen. She can look that child in the eyes and tell them she made choices to give them the absolute best she could possibly provide. Whether that is adoption or raising the child herself, she did everything in her power to give them the best life she could. Think of all the havoc Isaiah is already creating in his world. He is a hypocrite, a liar, and sounds like he is entering into a courtship under shady pretenses at best. How would any wife of his feel in 20 years if an adult shows up at his door wanted to meet their father and that is the first the wife had ever heard of it? She would probably feel like her entire world was based on a lie. He is fundamentally denying his own flesh and blood which is crime that should haunt him to the end of his days. He is allowing your sister to bear sole burden of his actions which is a despicable and craven act. If he has a conscience, the guilt of this should be close to unbearable. If he doesn't really give a damn, he will always have to look over his shoulder for the rest of his life worried that his past will become his present. I grew up around enough churches to know that even if he denies all responsibility and on the surface people accept that, the whisper network of his community will forever taint his life with half cough *ahems* and knowing looks behind his back.

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  3. We recently discovered that my husband's parents concealed an adoption prior to their marriage. They are both deceased. I have a lot of anger about the situation. My in-laws don't have to deal with us, because they are gone, but I know that it caused them much pain. Isaiah should just get away from his hypocritical parents and be the man that he is, taking responsibility to at least support Rachel during her pregnancy. He has no right to lie to a potential spouse and is guaranteeing his future family much pain if he continues in this way. Ruth, have you considered publishing his full name to warn any potential spouses? I know that those at FJ would be happy to send any information onto potential spouses.

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  4. If Rachel chooses to out him, then I will support her. As always, I have to respect my siblings' privacy and safety.
    A part of me really, really wants to call him on his crap and make him accountable publicly. A part of me wants to keep that information private because it's a tumbling stack of dominoes- once people know who he is, my sister could be id'ed, or I could be id'ed and then our siblings would get the brunt of the backlash in the ATI crowd. Also, as someone told me in an e-mail, I have to be careful about publicly accusing him of impregnating my sister since there's always the small chance he's really not. I'm not calling my sister a liar!! I just wasn't there in the room with them when this conception happened. My brother, however, knows the family of the girl he's courting and is going to say something when the time is right.

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  5. I'm a longtime reader of your blog, but this is my first time posting. I just wanted to suggest, if it hasn't been brought up already, that Rachel look into prenatal/parenting classes at her local community center (or similar places). These can be a really great resource for first-time parents, and they're usually free or very cheap.

    Good luck to you and Rachel!

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  6. I certainly agree that the male in question ("Isaiah") is behaving in an irresponsible or unbecoming way, as you put it, Ruth, but I would hardly say that that reflects on the entire ATI ministry and lifestyle as a whole.

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    1. You're right, in a certain sense. We shouldn't deem an entire basket of apples "bad" because one of them goes rotten. However, if all of the apples in the basket are from the same tree or were grown on the same farm and picked at the same time; then, caution before taking a big bite is warranted.
      Are all ATI families bad? No. My apologies.
      However, there are some systemic problems inherrant in the mindset that ATI promotes. If Isaiah had been raised in a non-ATI family, he would likely be living on his own or in college. He would likely have not felt the need to hide the fact that he had sex to such an extent that it puts the shame and responsibility on my sister. If Isaiah and Rachel weren't both raised in ATI, then they probably could've started dating or hanging out without it being taboo because there was no official courtship blessing. If they weren't ATI, then the likelihood that one, or both, would've known enough about preventing pregnancy would've been higher.
      I'm not saying that they're not BOTH personally responsible for having sex. They are. They chose to do this. But, growing up as they did, the result of their choice to have sex was greatly impacted by the lack of sexual education and birth control. Simply saying: "Don't do it!" doesn't always work. And, because they're ATI, there's now this incredible stigma that my sister will never be able to shake. Because of ATI, my sister will be consider "used goods" and Isaiah will still enter into a courtship relationship with another girl and go merrily along with his life. The father of this other girl won't even think to ask Isaiah about a relationship with Rachel! And, Isaiah will be able to lie about it, if he chooses, because the taboo of it all will protect him from his own family revealing the pregnancy or the child.

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  7. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when your brother confronts Isaiah's family. Make sure to demand a DNA test. Since it sounds like he'd refuse to willingly comply, force the issue so it's a certainty. If Rachel chooses an open adoption, she will need to be careful about outing Isaiah if he remains in denial (and it sounds as if that's exactly the river he's living on these days).

    I am a product of a closed adoption, but unlike most, I have no interest in meeting my blood relatives (if they're even alive; my mother would be 74 and my father 78). My bio dad did the same thing Isaiah did to Rachel, but even worse, he was MARRIED at the time and back then, even adult women who got pregnant out of wedlock went off "to grandma's" for a few months. Although my mother had 3 years of college and a pretty decent job, she tried, but was unable to support me and finally gave me up when I was 6 months old.

    Stigmas can really suck, regardless of when an illicit pregnancy occurs. Just make sure Rachel is able to either meet the adoptive parents or go to an agency that has screened potential parents to the nth degree to ensure the baby goes to a loving home. They didn't screen back in the day and my adoptive parents would NEVER be selected now; they may have gone to church, but my mother was a raving drunk and was dead before her 50th birthday.

    Sending healing vibes to everyone, baby included. :)

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  8. Your sister will emerge from this a stronger person. Isaiah will spend the rest of his life knowing he's a coward and a liar. Although what your sister is going through is pure, raw, unmitigated hell, I'd still rather be her than him. Throwing some more $ in the donation box for her.

    Oh, and Darth Daddy? This? IS. YOUR. FAULT. You get to live with that, too.

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  9. Rachel, I send my love and support for your decision, whether or not you choose to move forward with adoption or not. I put a little something in the donation box...go do something frivolous for yourself.

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  10. It is time for you to stop..........................L....Y........I.......I.......N......G...........about ATI.
    Rachel needs to pray. You need prayers Ruth. I'm sorry you hate your family n community in GOD but do not make it a pity paty.
    FREE US FROM THE NAYSAYERS AT MY BLOG!

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    1. I read through your blog. I do find it amusing that you accuse someone of having lousy writing. I've seen second graders with better grammar than you. Let's just say, you aren't helping your cause.

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    2. But you see "Without Pity" (and an excellent name you have chosen for yourself, I might add), every time someone from ATI shows up her to criticize Ruth, they end up unwittingly confirming what she has said. (I assume it's unwitting, unless they really want out and are sending messages in code.) Every time! Her father, the man she was almost forced to marry, now you, project the coldness, desire for control, lack of education that Ruth has talked about. I don't recall one ATI person who has posted here who modeled love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness or self-control. Why would that be the case if Ruth is lying?

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    3. "It hurts my right to practice my religion cause people see what this ugly woman rights. "

      We nearly peed ourselves laughing.

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    4. If that's really DD, then I really feel sorry for Ruth's siblings who are still at home. However, I think that's either a parody. How would an ATI person know the origins of "Without Pity" if they're not allowed on the internet? I doubt DD even knows what's all about since Ruth hasn't been "Without Pity" for years, although the connection is how I first came to "know" her.

      I think it's a very poorly done parody. If it's real and that's actually a "friend of the family," I pity the foo because if that's a real representation of the SOTDRT education, that person is in for a long life of burger flippin'.

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    5. You just can't buy entertainment like this, people. I've been laughing for an hour and have forwarded this to my friends. Next up, posting it on facebook, so that everyone can see the agenda of this group.

      I can only hope this is a parody because if that is what homeschooling looks like, I'd rather be an apostate.

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    6. Really Ruth. No pity paties. When you figure out what that is, would you let us know? Rachel is very brave and lucky to have a caring, supportive sister. I know it's frustrating but it's going to all work out, it really will.

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    7. I also had the thought that it's a parody, but Poe's law is widely known for a reason ...
      Deb

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    8. LOLerballs. Pity Paties sound delicious. Unfortunately for you, The blog is hilarious not for the reasons you think. Try taking a CollegePlus remedial English course sometime.

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    9. This RRW/OPity blog reads like one of the LOLcats used the computer when their owners were at church.

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    10. Oh, wow, that blog is absolutely hilarious. Could the "writer" (using the term VERY loosely here because, well, it's truly an Ode to Breathtakingly Bad Grammar and Spelling) possibly be Ruth's former ATI "fiancé"? The "style" is similar.

      Can I get my pity paty with cheese, please?

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    11. @ JTN hahahahahahahahahaha...hee hee

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  11. O hai Darth Daddy.

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  12. Lying. Let me tell you about lying in ATI. I was a pastor of a church heavily populated by ATI families and an ATI dad. The culture of ATI has depended on lying for many years. Women swore they never wore pants, but hid when visitors came because they “couldn’t wear skirts all the time.” Families claimed to have no television, but the children talked about the movies they watched. We dealt with abuse, incest, adultery and more, but very few people ever heard about it. Parents lied about the purity of their children before marriage. Lying was just part of the package.
    Did all ATI families lie? Of course not. But the legalist culture can’t allow people to see the truth. They must hold up an image for the world and for other ATI’ers to see. That image is served, even if the cost is truth. The lying was one of the primary things that opened my eyes to the truth of what was happening.
    I am not accusing the leaders of lying, although I remember one of the teachers admitting to making up stories to support his teachings.
    There are good people who love the Lord in ATI. Many of those good people see the truth eventually and leave. Some stay and try to help. But the attrition rate in ATI is high, partly because the burden of looking good and spiritual is too much.
    I am staying anonymous and you can understand why.

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  13. Darth or the man to whom Darth wanted to sell Ruth. In any case, another victim of the SOTDRT. For members a movement that avows a desire to change the culture in their image, ATI families often appear to put remarkably little effort into teaching their children to communicate their ideas in a persuasive manner.

    Deb

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  14. Ruth, Rachel, brother...You're all strong, intelligent, and very mature individuals. This situation sucks, without question, but in the long run you'll each be better off.

    Darth Daddy (because I know you're reading this, or someone's reporting it to you): This situation is the result of YOUR parenting techniques. Expecting obedience without question and shaming your daughters for being female is unhealthy. Neglecting to teach communication skills didn't help.

    But what do I know, I'm just a foolish, unmarried Old Maid (who has studied a reasonable amount of psychology).

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  15. If Razing Ruth without Pity, is an indication of the knowledge these people don't have, no wonder they don't leave. If I could not write a decent, basic sentence, the world would be an unbearable place.

    Keep them stupid so they won't leave. WOW.

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  16. Ruth and Rachel...stick together, move forward, and do not listen to Darth Daddy.

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  17. I think if Rachel opts for adoption she should not press the issue of who the father is until that adoption is final. Faced with proof that the child Rachel is carrying is their grandchild, I would expect Isaiah's parents to demand custody. And, clearly, this child deserves better than to be raised in an ATI family.

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  18. That whole "without pity" thing made me laugh too. I'm with the group who started the first spinoff from TWOP (Gosselins without pity) although I'm not involved in the blog now. Sooo funny. Because, most definitely, a true ATI'er should not know about that.

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  19. You know what intrigues me? The amount of criticism that shows up in the comments here which is designed to silence, shame, or otherwise suppress Ruth's voice.

    To pick a recent example: Ruth has a Donate button on this blog. This is incredibly common - most of the bloggers I know have something of the sort. And it wasn't Ruth's idea, either; as far as I can trace the matter, it was put up at the request of the readers. On any other blog, nobody would think anything of it. But here, I regularly see anonymous and semi-anonymous comments which are sharply critical of the Donate button. Why? (That's rhetorical, by the way.)

    The pattern of criticisms leveled against What Ruth has to say about herself, her life, and her experience with QF/ATI/Gothard is even more interesting - I suspect it could make for a fascinating, if somewhat short, Sociology paper - but that's more than I'm ready to go into here. There's definitely a reason why people keep saying that Ruth's detractors are unwittingly reinforcing her testimony, though.

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  20. May I ask a question, Ruth? Did you ever become very close with a sibling you helped to raise so that you felt the baby was your baby instead of your sibling?

    You are an inspiration to all people struggling in bondage. Do not let your current struggles make you feel like you should not have left QF/ATI. If you stayed, your struggles would have been worse. You'd be married to an a-hole and you'd be miserable and worse, you'd be trapped. Jesus Christ does not want us to live in bondage. QF/ATI is legalism and bondage. Christianity is not about perfection, it's about grace.

    Know that there are lots of people out here who applaud what you did and are cheering you on. Your life will turn out to be everything you want it to. You will find happiness.

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  21. Prayers for you and your siblings Ruth...how many now are "out" of the flock-three?? There will be more in the years to come. Be ready for them, you will all need each other!

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  22. Hugs for Ruth and Rachel. (((Hugs))).

    :)

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