I didn't mean to go dark for several days after my last post. I spent most of the weekend on the phone (thank goodness for phone cards!).
Rachel is reading here and at FreeJinger when she can. She's very appreciative of the prayers, thoughts, and advice that people have offered. This is a very scary time for her and every bit of positive advice helps. Thank you.
Although Rachel would make a wonderful mother and although she really wants this baby, I think she's leaning toward adoption and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's just concerned about what she'll be able to offer this little one and it's been something she's thought about since she found out she was pregnant. Between my brother and I, we're going to try and get her to see an attorney to see what we need to do to get Isaiah to either sign his rights away or outright deny paternity legally. The other option that's been discussed is having her move out here so that she can get some space. I just don't know how that will work, but it's a possibility. There seem to be more agencies in my area than hers. From what we're understanding, this would take care of her medical expenses and her worries about supporting the baby with little education and some things she needs to work through. Of course, if she changes her mind, I would understand and I say this to the blog because we'd like to hear it if you have adoption experience.
I think our first step needs to be getting Rachel healthy and ready for this. Thank you for your help.
Oh my goodness. I am so proud of you Rachel. Possibly choosing adoption can be a great option! My husband and I are foster parents with the intent to adopt. We love the two that we have right now. If you decide to come to Texas for any reason, our agency is Methodist Children's Home. They are great with birth parents. We're not Methodist but have felt so supported by our agency. I know I am coming at this from the other side being foster/adopt parents, but I do encourage you to continue looking into this option.
ReplyDeleteI just want to scoop you up and have you come live with us. I love you so much and am so proud of your tenacity. May you know the comfort and grace that my Jesus can bring. "You will keep in perfect PEACE him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the the Lord, The Lord, is the Rock eternal.(Isa 26:3,4) I know your view of God is so demanding and authoritarian, but know I am praying that you will know the sweet mercies and grace of Jesus. Love you and your sweet little one. I would love to help out in anyway. I know you have had many offers, but if you are in the East Texas area let me know. :)
Stephanie
I was adopted through Methodist Mission Home in San Antonio in 1969. Things were very different back then, but my parents had a great experience. I was even contacted by the home when I turned 20 because my birthmother wanted to find me. I ended up meeting both birthparents. Closed adoption was the norm when I was born, but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. It's up to the birthmother.
DeleteThe women live onsite, if they choose to, and all their needs are provided by the home. I don't know where your sister lives, but maybe you should check out that option. Sorry I'm replying as anonymous. Pressed for time and I will set up a proper account later. Best of luck to your sister!
HI,
ReplyDeleteI'm just a lurker on your blog but I was adopted as an infant as was my sister. If you have any questions from an adoptee please ask.
Robyn
I'm glad you are going to consult an attorney. Adoption laws vary widely from state to state. My husband was adopted because his biological mother was in no position to raise him. We don't know the full details, but we have been told she was in college and his father was much older. His adoptive mother had wanted a child for years and years. She was almost 40 when they adopted him. I sometimes still jokingly refer to him as 'the little prince' because he was well loved and cared for by his family. He was an only child and the center of his mother's world. She sent him to an Ivy league university (they were middle class) and he won a prestigious scholarship for graduate school. He is now a professor in the top department in the country for his field. My husband is very smart and funny but it was his birth mother's sacrifice to allow him to be raised by a family in a better position that put all of it in place.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any adoption stories or experience to add, but this sounds like a cautious, measured, sensible approach to the situation. I'm very glad that Rachel is willing to accept support from her siblings - given your (all three of your) family history, that can't be easy. And I'm tremendously pleased that Rachel is trying to do what is best not only for herself, but also for her (eventual) child. You'll all be in our thoughts.
ReplyDeleteRuth, I sent some money through your donate button, but didn't manage to attach a note - do please use it help Rachel as best you can. Admittedly, that isn't entirely a matter of charity - part of me also wants your father to know that someone like me is helping to take care of his "heritage and reward". That probably makes me a petty person, but I can live with that. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus would approve, regardless.
Hey Ruth -- I'm glad to hear from you. I have been thinking of you and Rachel and your mom -- it's such a difficult situation wrought with potential land mines. I think ti would be really interesting if you dad came on here to comment on it....
ReplyDeleteIf Rachel is thinking adoption, she might want to check out Lifetime Adoption (lifetime adoption.com) --it's a "match-making" service for birth moms and they deal specifically with Christian families and also facilitate maternity clothes, etc for birth mom.
Make sure Rachel takes time to decide for herself what she really wants to do. There is no rush to jump right into the adoption ring. There will always be prospective adoptive parents waiting to adopt her baby if that is the route she takes. She doesn't even need to make the decision now. She can figure it out once the baby is born if that is what she wants to do. It's hard to know *now* how she will feel once the little one arrives. Be very careful about who you trust in the adoption agency world. She should try to talk to other mothers who have placed a child for adoption.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of your sister during this difficult time. I am so sorry she is not being supported by your family. I hope no one is pushing her into adoption is the right choice to make. Because she could chose to parent, and it would be hard being a single mother but it can be done!
Obviously, only Rachel can "know" what's the right thing to do. But, considering the difficulties you've written about since you left, it sounds like a smart choice - things would have been even harder for you with a baby. If she does choose adoption, she could look into open adoption, which is becoming more common. Best of luck to both of you. You are strong women!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs and prayers for you and your sister! My little sister moved in with me during Christmas and it has had many joys and several challenges. But, it has been wonderful to be near each other.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about Rachel's situation - and a line from Psalm 27 came into my head. "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord is my strength." (That's how I remembered it, anyway.) Though your father has turned his back on you - God has not abandoned you. You can't ruin his plan for your life - he has a purpose for you and your baby. I wish I was in a position to send you some money - but I only have a part time job. But I send my prayers and my thoughts! You are loved!
Speak specifically to an attorney about grandparent rights in the state where she lived and is living now. In my state of Montana, Grandparents do have legal rights and they can be asserted to interrupt the adoption process and gain custody of the child to be put up for adoption. Your sister needs to arm herself with good information about that.
ReplyDeleteIn MOST states Grandparents Rights can ONLY be enacted if the grandparents in question can show that not having a relationship with them would harm the child, due to a longstanding relationship. Since the child in question is still a fetus, that would not apply to them.
DeleteI also looked up the laws in Montana re:Grandparents rights and what you said is not correct. http://grandparents.about.com/od/grandparentsrights/qt/Grandparent_Rights_in_Montana.htm
Hi Ruth and Rachel -- ditto what Montana Wildflower said about grandparent rights. The worst possible outcome is ATI freaks getting their hands on this precious little one. The pathetic little cowardly manchild who contributed sperm to her pregnancy needs to have his rights terminated, as well. In some states, if his rights aren't formally terminated, he could disrupt the adoption years later. An attorney is absolutely mandatory. Now, the good news? There are so many couples who want a white baby (I'm assuming that your sister and Isaiah are both white because I've never seen evidence of a non-white ATI family) that she will easily find prospective parents, and THEY will pay for the attorney. It won't cost her a cent. If she starts looking now, she can find prospective couples, ask them whatever she feels she needs to know, negotiate level of contact (most will at the least agree to pictures and a letter once a year), etc. If this is the decision she has made, she can definitely arrange for her child to have a much more comfortable, well-provided-for life than her child would have in an ATI family or being raised by her at this time, given her youth and lack of financial security. It is an unselfish decision, and I applaud her.
ReplyDeleteWhat I was told in Texas was that if you don't want the father to have paternal rights, don't put him on the birth certificate. That might be different or more complicated in other states, but it's worthwhile trying here.
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS NEVER THE RIGHT OPTION!!!! Not informing the bio father it a huge no-no it can lead to adoptions being overturned years later. ATI has enough muscle to cause all sorts of trouble if this isnt handled properly. Ellen Roseman of http://adoption-facilitator.org is a good place to start she has been helping birthmoms find families for 24+ years. The services are free to birthmoms. If nothing else she is a good first step to talk to she will be able to get Rachel calm and focused for which ever path she takes, adoption or parenting.
DeleteI should also mention I am adopted, a birthmom and I am now parenting. I used Ellen for my adoption. Its an open adoption and I am involved in my birthsons life. I often equate my involvement to a aunt who lives across the country I am there for the big important events and I send gifts that drive his mother nuts. Day after day I see the results of my choice in the amazing young man he is becoming.
DeletePrayers to Rachael. Adoption is a very brave a difficult choice. Regardless of what her plans are please point her towards Catholic Social Services. They can help with counseling, healthcare, adoption if she wishes, parenting if she chooses. She does not have to be Catholic to recieve services either.
ReplyDeleteSo much love to you and your sister and brother. Praying for you all and sending positive thoughts and wishes.
ReplyDeleteRachel specifically, I just want you to know that you are loved, you are prized, and your worth does not lie in what anyone else thinks of you. You are of such intrinsic worth. You are not a failure, you are not evil, you are not rebellious or wayward. You are you, and you are precious.
I am praying for Rachel. I have 5 adopted children, and I have nothing but deep love for their birthmothers. Depending on the state she lives in, there could be a private attorney to work with especially if she knows of a family that would be interested. I have looked at Lifetime adoption before and at Catholic Services. There is also Bethany Christain. I would be happy to talk with her if she wants. We are in Indiana, and I know that we have Life Centers here that helps birthmoms too. Please feel free to send her my email. I would be happy to send my phone number in a private email. Rachel, you are loved!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Amanda
Coffee crew here...from the moment we read of Rachel's situation a few days ago...we all agreed on one thing...(possibly a first!)
ReplyDeleteIf you need funds to help cover an attorney...let us help.
not sure what I can say that hasn't been said, but...
ReplyDeleteI was adopted. Yay for adoptees! We're awesome.
I live in the Midwest and know several very good OB/Gyn's who will cover all pre-natal and birth costs for unwed mothers who choose adoption. Not trying to get you to move here, just saying that I am sure if there are many doctors here, you will certainly be able to find them anywhere you live. Also, most adoptive parents will cover the same costs, and more.
Certainly, if Rachel chooses adoption, you should not have to pay anything.
Also, you should document every single time the father has denied fathering the child: that will go a long way in giving up parental rights. It might even be enough to sever already.
Just some warm words for Rachel during this time - I don't know you and you don't know me, but adoption is a brave and wonderful thing to do for your baby if that is what you decide on. As other people have said, you don't need to rush into that decision if you don't want to. Children are precious treasures and there will always be people who will jump for the chance at being given the gift of an adoption. Also don't let any agency pressure you; this is YOUR choice, and adoptions can be open or closed or whatever in between you are comfortable with. You get to set those terms, not the agency! For now just focus on yourself and your pregnancy and staying stress free and healthy. May God bless you; I will keep praying for your health and peace (and baby too!)
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to Rachel and baby to be. Adoption is a very brave way to go, but I agree with the others about not rushing into a decision. There are many agencies that will provide health care to women who are considering adoption.
ReplyDeleteI would not rush into any one group that wants to funnel her to their adoptive services or to any one religiously run group. Take time to research various groups and talk to other birth mothers about their experience. I'm sure there are many online forums to try to find what agency is a good fit.
Also, remember that there are many many couples looking to adopt children. I would have very open ended questions for them ("how do you see your religious background influencing the baby's life" rather than "my parents were religious whack jobs, what are you going to do to screw this kid up?"). I know that many parents will try to figure out the "best" answer and maybe not the most honest answer.
I'm not the maternal type, so it's hard for me to understand letting a child go. I think it's generous of Rachel to want the best for her baby, even as she must be terrified of her life as it currently is.
Just don't rush into anything. You can always change your mind. It's a tough world out there, as most of us with jobs and support systems can tell you. But it can be done.
Hugs to both of you. Good thoughts to you in this time of need.
I am an adoptive mom. Please be SURE that your sister does have an attorney if she chooses to place her child for adoption. Her rights must be protected! And Rachel, know that you can change your mind at any point in the process (again, if you go that direction). I love my son more than life itself and am so grateful to his birth mom, but that was a very painful decision for her~one she will always have to live with.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I'm sorry your break from your family had to happen like this, as I know it is a very tough situation, but I am glad it did happen. I hope you continue to learn and grow, accept the love and help of Ruth and your other escaped sibs, and begin to see your true worth. Your father and mother abused you. That is the truth. What they did was WRONG and no matter how much you may think they did it from a place of love, it is still very, very wrong and you didn't deserve it. Please get some help with someone trained to help you recover. You deserve a wonderful life. God didn't want this for your family. Your father is a whackadoodle.
ReplyDeleteHolding you in the light...
Rachel, good on you for thinking this through and knowing that you have to take your own health and happiness into account. Doing what's best for a child is admirable and right, and it can mean many different things. Whichever path you choose, it'll be the right one for you because you're a smart person. And strong, too. You're capable of anything, and have real strength of character-- like your brother and sister. Very best wishes for you.
ReplyDeleteRuth and Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI'm an adoptive mom, and I have an open adoption with my son's birth family. Although you are working to make the best choice for you child, please, please, please don't think you're being selfish in considering your own feelings. There is so much help and support in the world no matter what you decide. If you choose to make an adoption plan for your baby, please do so with the help of a qualified therapist. Many adoption agencies do offer this, however I don't know if they can be considered unbiased (I'm skeptical on this), but there ARE therapists that have sliding scale fees. My son saw a therapist as an adult, through the county, for $15 a month, up to once a week. Empower yourself--this is the first decision you will make as a mother.
I will be saying a prayer for you, the family that supports you, and your unborn little one. I can't imagine the anguish you are going through right now, and in the midst of all of this, dealing with the pain of your father's abuse. You still do have a Heavenly Father who loves you, in my opinion. I hope you will be able to find that comfort as well.
I'm glad that you're united on this (with your brother) -- the more people on your side (both Ruth and Rachel), the better off you'll be.
ReplyDeleteRachel, just be sure that your ultimate decision regarding adoption is *your* decision (based on what is best for you and the baby). Do some research and find the best option possible. I don't know much about adoption, but if you want some involvement in the child's life, I think open adoption allows for that. Again, research is good. Ask for help as you need it, and realize that nobody should have to do this alone -- having siblings and other people help out is good, not a sign that you're a failure.
I wish I could help y'all out more. All I have to spare right now is good thoughts/prayers.
Ruth & Rachel, I have been reading this blog for a while now, but this is my first time to comment.
ReplyDeleteI released a baby for adoption when I was 17. It was the hardest thing I've EVER done in my life. But, I would definitely do it all over again. Actually, I live in Arkansas too and the legal/paternity stuff was pretty simple. The biological father signed a paper that went something like, "I'm not saying this is my kid, but if it is then I terminate all rights and consent to the adoption" We went privately through a lawyer, not an agency. I didn't even have to go to court.
My family was in a very conservative church at the time, not quite fundy, but close. So, I was mostly shunned by everyone there. When I was about 6 months along I went to live at a home for women planning on adoption. They helped a lot, medical care, counseling, even food stamps, finding adoptive families, etc. But the best thing was that I didn't constantly have to hear "when are you due?", " boy or girl?", "Name?", pretty painful questions if you don't want to explain the details of your situation to every stranger you meet.
Anyway, my son was born and adopted and i my heart was so broken I just don't think there is any pain like it. I don't think you can prepare for that kind of pain. It took several months of extreme grief before I could really function well again. I still think about him every day, I wonder if he'll ever want to see me, if I'll ever get to hug him, does he hate me? I'm actually fb friends with his mom, so I get to see pictures (he looks like me) he is with a good family. I'm married now and we have four daughters together. My husband knows of course and is very supportive if I want to talk about it, or cry about it, which is pretty rare, but does still happen.
Rachel, I highly recommend adoption, but you need to be aware that it will NOT be easy. Just having the thought about adoption proves that you have a good, strong, selfless character and you will need to be that way. Best wishes, and I would be happy to continue corresponding with you. Lisa B
Sorry I posted as anonymous. I couldn't remember my google password. Lisa B
DeleteHi ladies, de-lurking to say, briefly, that as a women who will never have children without thousands of dollars of interventions and medical procedures, thank you thank you thank you for considering adoption. Got a little teary just there. Best of luck to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteRachel, there are people out there that care so much for you and don't know you. The world outside of ATI is not easy, but it is full of good people who will have your back. I'm constantly amazed by the kindness I encounter...even living in a huge city!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to give my ancedote, as I'm an adoptee lite. It's not necessarily an easy road for the adopted child either. In my state, I was never able to access my original birth certificate, or any medical records related to that. I felt that even as an adult my state (as well as many states) continue to treat adoptees as children. I also experienced a lot of pain growing up wondering what I did wrong to be given up...I never did anything wrong, but the hole I had inside was significant. My family was not open to discussing my adoption, and it took many years of counseling to be able to get a handle on my feelings.
Everyone's experience is different, and that has been my life experience - but there are also people who feel quite differently from me as well. I would like to give one bit of advice though...for a lot of young single mothers adoption is a [b]permanent solution to a temporary problem[/b]. If you feel because you're poor and you only have a mediocre homeschool education means you won't be a good mother is not a reason to give up a child. There is help and support if you need it.
At the end of the day, you know what is best for yourself and I along with the other posters on here will support whatever decision you choose to make. You are brave, smart and you have a wonderful sister in Ruth. You will make it.
A few thoughts, as you're getting great insight from people with experience on all sides of this. Somewhere between 10% and 35% (I've read numbers all over the place) of married men are raising kids that aren't theirs biologically. They just don't know it. This was my situation as a child, one I didn't figure out until I was an adult. It is very common to not have one's full medical history, for a variety of reasons. One's great-grandparents, grandparents, and parents would all have to have full knowledge, honesty, and no secrets or skeletons for one to really have full knowledge. This is not as common as it should be. People lie and hide things. Just like with abortion, some women struggle terribly when they release a child for adoption and others don't. A friend of 12 years has given birth three times. All there were fathered by her husband. They released the second one because they were so poor at the time and both in failing health. Their son was adopted by a local family who had means, and he ended up needing a lot of expensive therapies (autism) that they never could have provided him. They see him and his parents about once a year, and their boys all know each other. They're not "friends" but more like neighbors or distant cousins. She had no emotional trouble or difficulty at all. She was simply relieved that she could worry about feeding just one child, and that her second son was being loved and provided for by people who treasured him. Their situation got much better, and they had and kept their third son. They do not regret the release; they created a family for a childless couple who have done a wonderful job being parents.
ReplyDeleteIt is perfectly reasonable for you, if you do decide to release your baby, to ask for letters and photos once a year, and to express your willingness to meet the child when they're old enough to understand, if the child wants it. It is also perfectly reasonable for you to ask the adoptive parents to pay for a therapist or counselor of your choosing for a specified period. Adoptive parents (in private adoptions) sometimes provide living expenses and almost always pay for prenatal care. If you decide to go the route of adoption, you can do it in a way that takes good care of yourself, too.
Dear Ruth and Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of new to this blog, though I've read through most, if not all, of your story. My heart is heavy for the hard life you've been made to endure at the hand of extreme legalism.
Since you asked for those with experience to comment, I want to share my story. I am mom to three by adoption. What a blessing to me! I could not love my children more. They made me mom and I am living a good life with them. But, I have come to share with others about the other side. If I knew then what I know now, I would think it better to equip their birth mom (in Haiti) with resources to be able to hold her family together--to support her--than to see the birth family separated. Though I am thoroughly blessed by my kids and adoption, I don't think it is the best answer in most cases. My children mourn and grieve because they feel rejected by their birth mom even though we purposely share (and often) that and why it was the most loving thing she could have done...and the hardest. Still, what my kids feel, is rejected. It doesn't help to hear that they did not have enough food or shelter. They were given away, and especially for my oldest daughter, they feel rejected.
I really do understand if you think adoption is the only way for you, Rachel. I really do believe that it is for love for your baby that you would consider it. I don't understand what it is like to be in your shoes. But I hold my grieving kids (when they let me) who very well do understand another side of it all.
Please do not be discouraged by my comment. I pray God shows you and Ruth, too, how much He truly loves you---and the freedom you have in Christ. I pray that He might overwhelm you with peace in this decision--and that He would bring people around you to support you should you think it best to keep the baby. And people around you to support should you think adoption is best. Adoption is beauty and pain. I live the beauty side (mom to three wonderful kids) and I also live the pain (mom to three who hurt for being separated from their birth family).
God bless you both, keep you and provide for your every need.
Love,
Kris
I agree (as an adoptive mother) that support to the birth mother and resources are the best option. The adoption triad is complex; each one is unique.
DeleteI'm married to an adoptee who has no interest in seeking out his birth mother. He does not have negative feelings about her, but rather feels that he has had a great life, with great parents, and does not feel anything is missing. On the other hand, he has also stated that he definitely notices the differences in his family, ie, how he is different. Despite that, I'm often noticing similarities between him and his mom, usually those things that he finds very irritating about his mom!
Rachel and Ruth...just more thoughts as you work through this puzzle. Rachel, you already know that there are no easy answers, I do hope that you are feeling supported, no matter what decision you make.
A quick note because I didn't see that anyone else had posted this - in most states, low-income women are eligible for free prenatal care, including checkups, vitamins, everything, and sometimes for free or a lot of assistance with labor and delivery costs. I think the hotline # is 1-800-311-BABY to get state information. Rachel should also be eligible for WIC which would help with food and also healthcare referrals and other support services. She would be eligible for these programs whether or not she decides on adoption.
ReplyDeleteWow, as a mom of six children in fundamentalism (mostly) my heart is breaking about this situation. You see, recently our 21 yo unmarried daughter came to us and told us she is pregnant. Turns out the baby's father is very abusive. A wedding is not going to happen (although the fundy church recommended it)and my daughter is going to keep the baby. At the moment she told us, my whole world shifted. Everything I thought I would do or say, I instantly knew was wrong. I understood that I didn't have to impose any consequences--that is already taken care of. I didn't have to make any scenes about why this was wrong and not how she was taught--she already knew that. I just knew that my job was to be Jesus to her. I am committed to giving her everything that she needs to have a healthy baby. We will move to a bigger house so she can have more room. I will babysit, feed, take care of, and offer anything within my power that my daughter needs. Our extended family is rallying around and offering support. And this is quite astounding considering the ridiculous branch of fundamentalism we grew up in (BJU style). I am thankful for the teaching of the Holy Spirit in my life on this situation--because God knows I didn't learn this kind of sacrifice or response from my background. I am specifically praying for your mother, Ruth and Rachel. When perceived spirituality is based on performance and appearances, an impossible situation occurs. I'm not throwing my kids away because of things they do or don't do. Hope your parents will come around one day. Blessings to you both.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog following links from No Longer Quivering. I read your description of your sister's situation, and wanted to suggest she check out the stories at
ReplyDeletehttp://www.firstmotherforum.com/p/giving-up-your-baby.html or http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/ or
http://www.birthmothers.info/
ok I am a lurker, and I read your blog Ruth all the time: I had to come out on this and say as both an adoptee and birth mother,that while the road Rachel is leaning towards may sometimes be difficult it is a truly wonderful path and it is richly rewarding. I only post in here as anonymous because i dont have google acct. my name is Chris. T
ReplyDeleteI haven't read your other comments, and I don't intend to. I was another Fundie daughter who found herself pregnant. I was raped but that didn't stop me from experiencing the Fundie shame and being thrown out of my home as well. I toed the partyline and placed for adoption. I won't say it was the wrong decision per se. I will say I was so brainwashed that I never, ever truly made a choice. I simply did what was expected of me, and never trusted myself that I had what it would take to do otherwise. She and I have both suffered avoidable damage from that cowardly choice.
ReplyDeletePlease, encourage your sister to explore ALL of her options, especially choosing to mother this child, before she makes ANY decisions. Tell her to NOT contact an adoption agency until very late in the pregnancy or her child will simply become a commodity. Most of all, if she is seriously considering adoption, then she needs to get in touch with birthmombuds.com Coley and her best friend started the orgnization to find other birthmothers who didn't want to bash adoption but needed support from those of us who have been there and done that. If your sister proceeds with adoption, then she will need to reach out to others like myself and Coley and Laney who have walked this road. It will be the hardest thing she will ever do, far harder than parenting is. Birthmombuds has a mentoring program for women considering adoption, as well as a program for women after they place to offer one on one support from someone who has been there and can hold your hand. They don't judge the choices you make, they just walk the road beside you so that you are not alone.
Ruth, I am a new-ish reader, having stayed up almost all night for 3 days straight not long ago to read your blog from the beginning. I had to post now, because I am a birth mom. I have a very brief version of my story on my blog, but my daughter is almost 13 and I have a completely open adoption. The decision to give her life with the family that I chose for her continues to be the ABSOLUTE BEST decision I have made in my entire life. I am so proud of her. Anyway, my email address is listed on my blog, please feel free to have your sister email me, or email me yourself with any questions, advice, or just to chat about the situation. I am so happy to share anything I can to help, no matter what decision she decides to make. :) http://withfeathersandsequins.blogspot.com/2007/07/where-were-you-9-years-ago.html
ReplyDelete@Jo, I have to say that I'm a bit confused by what you call a "cowardly choice." Hopefully I've misunderstood your intent, having been there I completely understand what you mean by "doing what was expected of you," and perhaps the cowardice in your comment meant just allowing others to make your choice for you. No matter what their intent, I can't think of any choice more selfless than to invest your mind, soul, and BODY into a child that you don't have the full reward of raising, just to give that child what you know you cannot give. The last thing that any mother to be needs is to feel judged, or feel like choosing adoption would be cowardly. Having been there yourself, I'm sure you understand how that feels. It's not all sunshine and roses, by any means. But please remember that choosing abortion, parenting, or adoption all three have their own regrets, pain, and difficult days.
ReplyDeleteIt is cowardly to simply accept the Fundie paradigm that you cannot parent a child as a single mother and not genuinely explore any option other than adoption simply because that is been programmed into you as the "selfless" choice. Placing a child for adoption is NOT about making a selfless choice. It's about making the right choice for yourself and your child. However, the Fundie paradigm that Ruth and her sister have escaped says that there is NO choice....because no girl can possibly be a GOOD mother if she is single and not married. Therefore, it was cowardly of ME to have not fully explored any other options before I made my choice. Even if I had explored the other options, I might have arrived at the same choice I did 18 years ago. However, I was SOO conditioned from the Fundia paradigm to not truly consider anything but adoption that I honestly did not consider anything else.
ReplyDeleteKnowing where Ruth and Rachel have come from, I have to question if Rachel has honestly and truly considered her options when she has come to this decision so quickly. She is conditioned to view government assistance is evil. She is conditioned to believe she lacks the ability to generate income. She is conditioned to believe a FATHER is all that truly matters in any family. These falsehoods would interfer with her ability to explore the options that would allow her to see that parenting IS an option for her. Government programs exist to provide a hand UP. Single women obtain job skills ALL THE TIME and provide for their families. College can be done as a parent (I just graduated after going back in my 30s with 8 kids at home now). All of those things are things that Rachel is not very likely to have seen and considered so quickly. Having not seen and truly considered those angles 18 years ago was cowardly for ME.
And honestly, I despise the whole "selfless sacrifice" line of garbage that the adoption industry promotes. Whatever. Having a child and placing it should have NOTHING to do with whether you bless someone else, or appear as a saint (or a sinner). Every adoption begins with LOSS and GRIEF. I can say that wholeheartedly as both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. Every adoption must first begin with heartache and pain. Even a newborn recognizes and will mourn the loss of it's mother. A birthmother most definitely feels the lose of her infant, in an agony that the world will never recognize. Place a child for adoption because it is the best decision for that child and for yourself, but don't do it because it's selfless or sacrificial.
Giving up a child is hard, but it is a very selfless thing to do. I say selfless because it takes a lot of courage to recognize that you cannot care for your child.
DeleteLet's objectively look at Rachel's situation. Not only has she never lived on her own before, but the environment she has lived in was extremely controlling and designed to keep her dependent on others. She has an extremely limited education, and no job or any marketable skills. She's currently living off the kindness of her brother's boss. The only immediate family she has that is willing to support her emotionally probably cannot also support her physically. She has no concept of what normal parenting is. She is most likely extremely emotionally scarred by her experiences.
This is not a good situation to bring a child into, either for the child or for Rachel. Rachel is going to have to undergo a lot of healing and work to be able to support herself on her own. Many of us have been following Ruth for a few years now, and we've seen how much she's struggled and how much she has grown. Rachel is in many ways in a worse position - adding a child into the mix could be a road block into Rachel's recovery.
As for the child, it is not fair to bring a child into a situation one knows is completely untenable. It just isn't. Children need stability, and the truth is, Rachel's situation does not provide that.
Women can raise children on their own. But this isn't always the best option for every woman. Only Rachel can decide what she wants to do, but frankly I think her decision to go with adoption is the best, for both her and her child.
Lauren H.
I agree that accepting what is programmed instead of making your own choices is cowardly, however, it sounds like you still have some unresolved bitterness and regret from your own situation, Jo. The statement that "EVERY adoption begins with" is a very strong one...please don't try to speak for me or any other birth mother out there. I had my own difficulties, did my research, spent thousands of agonizing hours, and don't feel like I'm "blessing" anyone. I chose something for my daughter, but I got another shot at being a kid. I felt lucky. So please don't attempt to generalize statements about EVERY adoption. It seems that is the very mentality that is so hated among the Fundie movement, in which, by the way, I was raised just among the outer edges. And I agree, the best reason to choose adoption is because it is in the best interest of the CHILD. That's what being a mother is about, after all, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteOf course every adoption begins with a loss. In order for the child to legally become the ward of the new family, the first family must lose rights to that child and/or the child must lose his or her place in that first family.
ReplyDeleteIf you believe "loss" has a negative connotation, I can see why you would buck against recognizing that all adoptions start with it. Personally I use the term as one of simple math: in adoption, there MUST first be a loss.
Birthparents either die (a loss to the child) or they lose all legal rights to the child, either by court decree or voluntary surrender. In both instances I use the term "loss" as simple statement of fact: it is a reduction in the existing arrangement that is necessary for the adoption to come about.
My friend chose to surrender her daughter for adoption. She "lost" (willingly gave up) all legal rights to parent the baby, as one does in every adoption, open or closed. She has never expressed to me regret for her choice, and has more than once asserted it was the right one for herself and her daughter, but the loss of her right to parent that child is, nevertheless, fact.
My daughter "lost" her first mother to a fatal illness. Her first father was never known. Because she "lost" her mother and the chance to ever meet father, she was in a position to be adopted by me.
All adoption begins with loss.
I'd like to echo what everyone else said and please do your homework about adoption agencies. There are great ethical agencies out there but there are also agencies that will railroad, bully and belittle mothers to get that holy grail, the infant. In some adoptive circules there's a hierarchy of desired babies, and a white baby with a mom who isn't drinking, doing drugs or suffering from a major mentally illness is going to be a very hot commodity.
ReplyDeleteI would do a lot of resarch into agencies, see what first mothers/birth mothers have had to say about their experiences and go into the process knowing what your rights. (this is a good resource http://laws.adoption.com/statutes/state-adoption-laws.html). No matter what adoption plan a mother makes, she doesn't legally relinquish her child until after she signs the paperwork, and in every state there is some kind of revocation period where she can change her mind, if she so chose.
Agencies are not the only choice for adoptions. I know of a few place that take in moms with 'crisis' pregnancies (not the best term, but will do for now). One, called The City of Refuge, (located out West) is an in-house program that helps the moms to get their GED (if they don't have one), find employment and housing after baby is born, help the mom find an adoptive family if adoption is wanted (the adoptions are private adoptions), help with how to parent the child if keeping the baby is what is wanted. Everything is provided for the moms (food, clothing, medical care, etc). In short this place specifically helps the moms in all areas of their life. If you want more info on this place just contact me.
ReplyDeleteAnd I want to say, as an adoptive mom, that adoption is a wonderful gift for both the child and adoptive family. It is a painful choice, one that should not be made lightly, but can also be healing for the birthmom. My prayers go out to Rachel!
I guess I didn't share about our adoption experiences. Our first adoption was as foster parents. Birth parents' right were terminated by the state because of terrible, horrible abuse and neglect. This is an absolutely closed adoption as the biologicals are still very dangerous and violent and it is in the best interest of the children to have absolutely no contact.
ReplyDeleteOur next adoption was a private adoption just between the birthmom and ouselves (no agency involved). This is a semi-open adoption by mutual consent. Birthmom wants pictures and updates regularly but no physical contact. We don't even know who the birth father is. Our birthmom knows who he is but flatly refused to name him for the birth certificate or anything. (Apparently he is very bad, was abusive to her, didn't want the child anyway, and she didn't/doesn't want him involved with the child.) Because the birthfather was not named for this child, our attorney had to advertize in local papers about a pending termination of parental rights on "John Doe," putative father of (insert our child's name). After a set time, parental rights were terminated for the birth father. The birthmom of our child even named our child with our last name on the birth certificate. (Rachel, as the birthmom you are allowed to name the child - first, middle, and last name - whatever you want!) If our child's birthfather even saw the pending termination order in the local paper he probably wouldn't even have recognized our child as his because the last name was neither his nor birthmom's. (But, like I said, he didn't want the child anyway so it made no difference.) I just want to mention that as a possibility for Rachel (if she is reading this).