Rachel is home. The plan is to spend the next few days finalizing things and starting her support group and therapy. Ella is doing great. Thank you for the positive comments and support.
Glad all is well. I don't allow anonymous comments on my blog, either. No one ever anonymously posted anything helpful or kind. They only use anonymous commenting for cowardly personal attacks.
Did my comment get deleted or just not go through? If it got deleted, that's fine, but I thought I made some valid points. Just so you know, Ruth, I also was accused of lying about abuse and my personal experience in right wing religious/fundie setting and villified in the press, so I understand why you would choose to stay anonymous. (Which was also my point about why I chose to comment anonymously.)
Possibly my comment didn't go through. Is that the case?
For a moment there I panicked when I saw "home" and thought it meant Rachel was back with the sperm donor and your mother. *whew!* Glad that's not happening. If I were in her situation, I don't know that I would have been able to give a baby for adoption... that must have been so hard. But Rachel is a very brave person for doing what she did. I wish her (and you!) all the best :) :)
@ Jodi - Can't speak for Ruth, but it may have gotten caught in Blogspot's SPAM filter. I've had some very odd comments (in the sense that they were perfectly innocent, and I have no idea why they got tagged as spam) "hidden" that way on my own blog. It's particularly annoying because, unless you're watching the comment folders and/or email notifications closely, the blog owner won't even know that it happened.
Who knows. I commented as "trashy atheist" or anonymous before because I do prefer to be anonymous after my experiences, which was my main point. Having read through the other thread, I think the other anon can have all the doubts they want about the truth of Ruth's story, but there are a lot of reasons for her to stay anonymous. I have been called all kinds of things, and really wish I had not given my name to the press. I seriously doubt Ruth coming forward is going to bring down Gothard (unfortunately). If anon from the other thread really has concerns about the truth of her story, then he/she can just note donate and wait for it all to come out in the wash.
Yeah, I don't have any objection to people voicing doubts about Ruth's story. There are reasons to be doubtful, as Ruth herself admits. My only objection to that particular anon was his/her failure to stop at, "And having pointed out why I am doubtful, I will now assume that you are all big boys and girls who can make up their own minds."
Yep. That's me. So, not all anon comments make personal attacks. But it hurts to have people say you have to be lying about your (admittedly bizarre-sounding) story because you have a mental illness, or because you have a grudge against the person who abused you and/or people you cared about. Also, I have been told the devil is working through me to attack somebody who is on God's mission. So, I prefer to not risk blaming the victim and just not donate money. I find Ruth incredibly brave because it took me months to leave the place I was in. I could never have just left in the middle of the night.
Anybody who says there are not good reasons to remain anonymous has not been in that position. I know a girl who lost her job, so I think it was very hard on her, even though they were successful in shutting down operations of the fundie "treatment center" in her country. I had an extensive blog that I deleted when I had to start looking for a job because I have a family to take care of now.
I'm a birthmom and can not express how valuable the support and therapy is. I didn't start the recommended after placement therapy until I was having daily panic attacks because I wasn't willing to be sad about placing my son for adoption. Support is key because like any other loss she (and you) will grieve and grief is a sneaky emotion it will hit you when you least expect it and it goes hand in hand with guilt. Guilt that you are not grieving enough or correctly. There are a lot or good support sites on the web for now I would suggest she look for one that is birthmoms only not adoptive/adopting parents.
And grief is such an individual thing. Since my own baby died when he was 3 days old, my husband and I grieved very differently and at different times in different ways. It was so "liberating" to know that neither of us were doing it "wrong," we were just working it out how we needed to at any given moment.
Rachel, do make room in your life for grief. Even though beautiful Ella is very much alive and safe, you have experienced a devastating loss and you DESERVE to feel it....not because there is anything bad about how she came to be, but because you have earned the right to grieve, in your way, and you deserve to be able to do that however you need to. So, yes, move on with things as you are able, but understand that there will be times you NEED and DESERVE to mourn the loss of your first born.
I'm a birthmom and can not express how valuable the support and therapy is. I didn't start the recommended after placement therapy until I was having daily panic attacks because I wasn't willing to be sad about placing my son for adoption. Support is key because like any other loss she (and you) will grieve and grief is a sneaky emotion it will hit you when you least expect it and it goes hand in hand with guilt. Guilt that you are not grieving enough or correctly. There are a lot or good support sites on the web for now I would suggest she look for one that is birthmoms only not adoptive/adopting parents.
We are the parents of 3 with open adoptions. We absolutely love it. Placing a baby for adoption is hard, that's for sure. Our boys' birthmoms have said how much it helps to be up to date on what's going on with them (facebook, phone calls, texts, letters etc). In turn, our boys know their family of origin and know full well that if they have a question for their birthmoms, they just call. A child cannot have too many adults who love him.
I have just read your blog from beginning to end. I know there were periods where you only posted once a month or less but the change in you is soo apparent when you read them all back to back. You no longer write like a meek person. Hopefully Rachel will be able to see your long journey and have faith that she will be alright in the end too.
Rest, heal, and BTW, shutting off "anonymous" is a good thing....because we were just being lazy. 8-).
ReplyDeleteDitto here. Hugs from me. Sleep well and long tonight.
ReplyDeleteTake it day by day, you both earned rest.
ReplyDeleteYou're a trooper. BTW loved your rant at Anonymous on your last post. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteGlad all is well. I don't allow anonymous comments on my blog, either. No one ever anonymously posted anything helpful or kind. They only use anonymous commenting for cowardly personal attacks.
ReplyDeleteRest and recovery, as much as you can. And, as my Latin teacher used to say, Illegitimi non carborundum.
ReplyDeleteDid my comment get deleted or just not go through? If it got deleted, that's fine, but I thought I made some valid points. Just so you know, Ruth, I also was accused of lying about abuse and my personal experience in right wing religious/fundie setting and villified in the press, so I understand why you would choose to stay anonymous. (Which was also my point about why I chose to comment anonymously.)
ReplyDeletePossibly my comment didn't go through. Is that the case?
For a moment there I panicked when I saw "home" and thought it meant Rachel was back with the sperm donor and your mother. *whew!* Glad that's not happening. If I were in her situation, I don't know that I would have been able to give a baby for adoption... that must have been so hard. But Rachel is a very brave person for doing what she did. I wish her (and you!) all the best :) :)
ReplyDelete@ Jodi - Can't speak for Ruth, but it may have gotten caught in Blogspot's SPAM filter. I've had some very odd comments (in the sense that they were perfectly innocent, and I have no idea why they got tagged as spam) "hidden" that way on my own blog. It's particularly annoying because, unless you're watching the comment folders and/or email notifications closely, the blog owner won't even know that it happened.
ReplyDeleteWho knows. I commented as "trashy atheist" or anonymous before because I do prefer to be anonymous after my experiences, which was my main point. Having read through the other thread, I think the other anon can have all the doubts they want about the truth of Ruth's story, but there are a lot of reasons for her to stay anonymous. I have been called all kinds of things, and really wish I had not given my name to the press. I seriously doubt Ruth coming forward is going to bring down Gothard (unfortunately). If anon from the other thread really has concerns about the truth of her story, then he/she can just note donate and wait for it all to come out in the wash.
DeleteOh, hey, that's you? Cool.
DeleteYeah, I don't have any objection to people voicing doubts about Ruth's story. There are reasons to be doubtful, as Ruth herself admits. My only objection to that particular anon was his/her failure to stop at, "And having pointed out why I am doubtful, I will now assume that you are all big boys and girls who can make up their own minds."
But, yes: who knows?
Yep. That's me. So, not all anon comments make personal attacks. But it hurts to have people say you have to be lying about your (admittedly bizarre-sounding) story because you have a mental illness, or because you have a grudge against the person who abused you and/or people you cared about. Also, I have been told the devil is working through me to attack somebody who is on God's mission. So, I prefer to not risk blaming the victim and just not donate money. I find Ruth incredibly brave because it took me months to leave the place I was in. I could never have just left in the middle of the night.
DeleteAnybody who says there are not good reasons to remain anonymous has not been in that position. I know a girl who lost her job, so I think it was very hard on her, even though they were successful in shutting down operations of the fundie "treatment center" in her country. I had an extensive blog that I deleted when I had to start looking for a job because I have a family to take care of now.
Glad everyone is doing well.
ReplyDeleteHey Ruth and Rachel.
ReplyDeleteHugs and I'm sending you love and peace.
Take care,
Mary. :)
I'm a birthmom and can not express how valuable the support and therapy is. I didn't start the recommended after placement therapy until I was having daily panic attacks because I wasn't willing to be sad about placing my son for adoption. Support is key because like any other loss she (and you) will grieve and grief is a sneaky emotion it will hit you when you least expect it and it goes hand in hand with guilt. Guilt that you are not grieving enough or correctly. There are a lot or good support sites on the web for now I would suggest she look for one that is birthmoms only not adoptive/adopting parents.
ReplyDeleteVery helpful words.
DeleteAnd grief is such an individual thing. Since my own baby died when he was 3 days old, my husband and I grieved very differently and at different times in different ways. It was so "liberating" to know that neither of us were doing it "wrong," we were just working it out how we needed to at any given moment.
Rachel, do make room in your life for grief. Even though beautiful Ella is very much alive and safe, you have experienced a devastating loss and you DESERVE to feel it....not because there is anything bad about how she came to be, but because you have earned the right to grieve, in your way, and you deserve to be able to do that however you need to. So, yes, move on with things as you are able, but understand that there will be times you NEED and DESERVE to mourn the loss of your first born.
I'm a birthmom and can not express how valuable the support and therapy is. I didn't start the recommended after placement therapy until I was having daily panic attacks because I wasn't willing to be sad about placing my son for adoption. Support is key because like any other loss she (and you) will grieve and grief is a sneaky emotion it will hit you when you least expect it and it goes hand in hand with guilt. Guilt that you are not grieving enough or correctly. There are a lot or good support sites on the web for now I would suggest she look for one that is birthmoms only not adoptive/adopting parents.
ReplyDeleteWe are the parents of 3 with open adoptions. We absolutely love it. Placing a baby for adoption is hard, that's for sure. Our boys' birthmoms have said how much it helps to be up to date on what's going on with them (facebook, phone calls, texts, letters etc). In turn, our boys know their family of origin and know full well that if they have a question for their birthmoms, they just call. A child cannot have too many adults who love him.
ReplyDeleteAMEN!!!! That is so right on.
DeleteI have just read your blog from beginning to end. I know there were periods where you only posted once a month or less but the change in you is soo apparent when you read them all back to back. You no longer write like a meek person. Hopefully Rachel will be able to see your long journey and have faith that she will be alright in the end too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that things are going well for you and Rachel :)
ReplyDelete